Spouse Cheated And Ptsd

[gumby]

I am not sure that this is a place to share the problems I am having with a spouse suffering from PTSD that has caused her to cheat on me, drink, smoke and go to bars. I am looking for a place to discuss this. All of this started I found out about it. We set up counseling and after coming out of counseling she realized it must be her. She had a major panic attack and I sent a time for to see a trauma counselor. We found out that she has PTSD and that this is why she is acting like this. She is going to the bar only once a week now and I pick her up. She has cheated on me prior to finding out about PTSD and it is all making sense now. We have been married for 20 years. She acted out like 6 years ago but we had no idea it was from PTSD. I guess I am struggling because of the cheating and that she is still going to the bar once a week. She wears her ring and tells people she is married. She just like to play pool and drink. I am having a hard to supporting her but I am. If this post gets deleted I will understand. We have 3 girls, 16, 14 and 9 and they do not know about this. Only that mom was hurt when she was younger and that we are getting help. I am going to go see a therapist tomorrow to learn how to cope. I am just not sure if this is all worth it. I love her but not sure if it is worth the pain. Thanks. and Sorry for this post.

[thesometimesaint]

I am sorry. Only you can determine for yourself if it is worth the pain. It is good you are going to counseling to help you cope. I would suggest family counseling. The 16 year old and the 14 year old are old enough to be included if you and the therapist agree. The 9 year old is questionable but only you know if she is mature enough to handle the responsibility.

[Kevin Christensen]

Hi Gumby,

One of the books I recommend to people I work with as part of my current church calling (Addiction Recovery Rep)

includes this kind of advice for dealing with trauma:

Find initial support immediately

Re-establish safety

Practice good self care

Create boundaries between yourself and the trauma

Counter dissociation

Begin emotional processing and grieving

Use grieving and processing methods to help heal. (consider EMDR)

Develop personal empowerment

Develop healthy communication skills

Develop healthy conflict management skills

Reframe yourself as survivor rather than victim

Consider forgiveness

Find positive life purpose

The book is Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Barbara Steffans and Marsha Means. Have you considered that due to her behavior, you

also may be experience Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? EMDR is a treatment that helps a person process memories so that they do

not return the full emotional impact of the traumatizing event. They can be just memories, rather than a re-experiencing cascade

and surge of cortisol.

I notice that all of the behaviors that she is involved in that you report involve addictive substances. Addiction recovery,

as well as treatment for trauma might be worth a look. In recovery circles, a common euphamism for acting out is "medicating,"

that is, a method of dealing with pain, unfortunately in a way that does not heal the damage behind the pain, but only treats the

symptom of the moment.

Best,

Kevin Christensen

Canonsburgh, PA

[Calm]

Probably not the best place given that anyone can respond and I never think it is a good idea to share family problems where other family members, including the one being discussed, can read it and figure out given the details or even the style of writing that it is their family being discussed.

 

Perhaps though we can help you find a better place to share.  There are communities of support out there of all types.

 

Are you LDS?  Is that why you chose this forum?

Edited May 22, 2015 by calmoriah

[Traela]

If you have an Addiction Recovery group in your stake, it would be helpful for both of you to go. I'm sure many of the people there turn to addictions because of trauma.

[Garden Girl]

 

Are you LDS?  Is that why you chose this forum?

 

That was going to be my question too... if so, most wards have a person like Kevin Christensen (above) that are able to help people with these types of problems, and put them in the right direction to other resources if necessary... 

 

GG

[Storm Rider]

A cheating spouse can be extremely difficult to deal with for most people.  There is such a deep sense of betrayal that it is a challenge to re-engage in the relationship and have trust.  Your dear wife's situation is different; there is a serious mental/emotional problem that has seriously impacted her ability to choose properly; to choose in a manner in keeping with her true self.  To some degree it could be argued that the choices she made were not of her own volition, but due to her illness.  

 

PTSD evolves into a bigger problem the longer it goes untreated.  individuals are at times capable of self-treatment, but few are skilled enough to heal themselves without professional help.  Gumby, now may be a good time to put aside the feelings of trust as your understanding of her condition broadens.  She has to seek help and you both need to determine what lifestyle you want to have as a couple.  If one person is stepping out to a bar once a week alone/with friends, this only increases the probability that the couple are not growing closer together.  The separateness of activities strengthens the longer it goes on.  

 

I hope you and your family have a time of healing and decision making about how you want to live your lives and then support one another in the joint decision.