LOSTONE Posted November 25, 2014 Posted November 25, 2014 I have been assisting my aging mom in her daily life for a while now. She has dealt with several health issues and some are very much still on going. Out of all her kids, I am the only one who has forgiven her for the drunken violent childhood she put us through so I am the only one who dares to help her now a days. I am also the youngest and the only one who is adopted. Anyways. My mom was sober for a hand full of years and yet her personality did not improve much. Always has been the first one to see all the negative possibilities in everything and create so much unjustifiable drama. Turn a positive 4 into a negative 12 every time. Now she has returned to drinking and that really just amps the crap up and brings back a lot of the childhood we all had to survive. This is all bad enough, but it just got even worst. ( Of course it would. It is life, right?! )This past Friday, mom was given a really negative diagnose over what we all thought was a simple issue she was having. It was unexpected and harsh. Saturday, mom got drunk of her butt and became very verbally hostile to me. Just me. Insulting and rude as all sin could be. The one person who is trying to be there for her, me, is the one person who is getting royally dumped on. Never the less, I took her crap and chose not to turn my back on her. Come Sunday, after I got done with my church things, I talked to mom. I made it clear to her that as much as I love her, I will not have this drunken crap put onto me all over again. I will not relive my childhood with her, especially sense I am the only one who is will to help her. My love is strong, but has limits to how much abuse it will allow me to take. I will not do this drunken crap again. If it happens, I’m out for good and she will have to find someone else to help her. She seem to understand and was apologetic. We will see what she does. I prefer for her to go talk to someone, but she flat out refuses and has every excuse in the world to refuse. I can’t make her legally so I can only do so much. Yesterday was Monday. Her doctor called us back in days earlier than planned. The blood work from Friday came back showing ( confirming ) the diagnoses already given. No additional tests or opinions need to be given. Mom is a healthy time bomb that can go off without warning at anytime. It’s the reality of her healthy.Mom has other health issues that complicate things and need to be continue to care for. Mom has been given additional medication to help her, but the medications are not a cure. More of a comfort and slight better odds of prevention. No actual cure is possible. So everyday with mom is medications, situations, so on and on and with some attitude I must deal with. Mom’s end will come and it will not be peaceful or fast. It’s a reality of life that sucks, but can not be modified.I am burnt out. I am so burnt out and have zero help or support. I will not turn my back on mom, but if she does that drunk thing again on me, I will make necessary adjustments for my own personal health. Please... Any thoughts?
Tacenda Posted November 25, 2014 Posted November 25, 2014 My first thought was, she dumps on you because you're the only one who she thinks will love her if she does. Sort of when we treat the outside world really well and our loved ones like crap. It's like we have to be on our best behaviour for everyone else, and can let off steam because of holding back, on those we know will be faithful. Not very fair at all. But it's the only thing I can think of and or she may be holding back something bad that happened in her childhood, probably why she turns to alcohol. Or she just wants to see who'll love her despite her nastiness, or she just hates herself so much she doesn't have the ability to love anyone. It may be that you will have to let her fall hard and not enable her, scare her a bit. I'm not much help, but you are truly a son who follows the commandment to honor their parents. 1
Kenngo1969 Posted November 26, 2014 Posted November 26, 2014 It's a tough situation, LostOne. I can't say I know what you're going through. You don't say whether she lives with you or whether you live with her. If it's the former, personally, I would tell her (and this is easy for me to say, I know), "No booze, no drinking under my roof. I'll be happy to come pick you up [if that's true], but you're neither drinking nor having any booze under my roof." There's a fine line between helping and enabling; I don't pretend to know where it is, but I would pray for guidance to know how to handle the situation. I wonder if you could convince her to do something less formal than full-on counseling, such as AA. I wish you well.
Kenngo1969 Posted November 26, 2014 Posted November 26, 2014 My first thought was, she dumps on you because you're the only one who she thinks will love her if she does. Sort of when we treat the outside world really well and our loved ones like crap. ...This is actually very insightful. Lots of truth there.
Calm Posted November 26, 2014 Posted November 26, 2014 (edited) "The one person who is trying to be there for her, me, is the one person who is getting royally dumped on." I agree with Tacenda, she feels safest with you so you get the dump. I have a couple of family members who are just horrid to the people who are there with them 24/7, in one case he pretty much just ignores her, in the other she is verbally abusive saying things like "the world hates you" to her children. In both cases, outside of the family, they are seen as extremely caring and charismatic people, who are very engaging and dependable people to be around. In the first case, it is understandable as it was the way he was raised in his culture of the time (women were there to serve the guy and didn't really get involved in his life and he is old enough and has medical issues of his own that it is important to focus on what he was like 20 years ago to remember why he is really a good guy at his core and loves her still dearly; in the second case, no one can figure out where it came from as it is completely different from others in the family and so extreme and there is no excuse that is known (though there might be some chemical imbalance). People like this court the ones that don't love them or have tight relationships with them and mistreat the ones that do and will be there. It is a sad statement about how some manipulate and the range can be very minor and understandable to the extreme you are going through. I hope you find the strength to deal with it so that looking back, you will have no regrets and know that you did the best you could…and hopefully your mother will shape up for the time she has left, but unfortunately it doesn't happen that often in my opinion contrary to the stories on TV where people turn their lives around, suddenly valuing everything they have when they realize they are about to lose it. Edited November 26, 2014 by calmoriah
seriously honestly Posted November 26, 2014 Posted November 26, 2014 So far, we all agree with Tacenda--we have a tendency to love the hurt the people we love. We also have a tendency to sabotage things when we feel threatened. So as much as she loves you, a small part of her might just be trying to push you away as a coping mechanism. However, by no means, none whatsoever, is it your fault or something to beat yourself up over if you reach that point where you have to step back. You can't help her if you've been run ragged and you can't allow the abuse to continue. Have you talked to your siblings about being there for you? Not for your mom, but just for you? They may not be able to forgive your mother, but if your relationship with them is in good standing, it might be helpful if ask one of them to be there for you so you can break down, or vent, or hash out your childhood. Heck, even just having one of them willing to go on a run with you so you can burn some steam--you wouldn't even have to talk each other. Sometimes it's nice just knowing that they're there next to you. 1
sheilauk Posted November 26, 2014 Posted November 26, 2014 Al Anon is a support group for families of those who are alcohol dependent. You could try to find a local group to attend to find support there. Your mom doesn't need to go. I also agree with Tacenda that your mom is dumping on you because she needs to unload on someone who won't leave. 1
Stargazer Posted November 29, 2014 Posted November 29, 2014 This is actually very insightful. Lots of truth there. That's what I thought, too.
readstoomuch Posted November 29, 2014 Posted November 29, 2014 You have to set up boundaries. "I can support you if you aren't drunk. I will help you if you help yourself. I want you to start with doing _________." Them if she doesn't do something you asks, then you have to enforce that boundary. Enforcing the boundary is hard, but usually helps both parties. Your mom is being a sort of emotional vampire.
Calm Posted November 29, 2014 Posted November 29, 2014 Your post reminds me of a book I'd recommend:http://www.amazon.com/How-Hug-Porcupine-Difficult-Personalities/dp/1891114344
rpn Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 Most communities have respite care for caregivers. This allows them to get away from their caregiver duties every few weeks for a couple of days and sometimes once a week for a couple of hours. If you are saying your mother has a terminal illness and is expected to die within six months, she is also eligible for hospice, which can be really supportive and helpful. Some wards are willing to provide an hour a week service of members for that respite --- check with your priesthood leadership. I can see someone who as used alcohol to self-medicate all her life falling off the wagon upon receipt of a bad medical diagnosis. I'm thinking that you simple leave and check into a hotel (or maybe see if your HTer has a spare room for a couple of days if she ever comes home drunk again). Also you should talk in her sane moments about giving you durable medical power of attorney, and completingthe five wishes document. http://www.agingwithdignity.org/five-wishes.php%C2'> Be sure to suggest she go to a twelve step program ---- she is highly likely to need help dealing with the dx. (BTW, if your mother is on social security disability and needs help, she may be able to hire you for a small stipend to help out, which may help you afford to help her.)
Calm Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 Lost One is not LDS, but I have known nonmormon churches who have the same type of community services, so I would check. Sometimes they aren't organized and just respond to a need that appears, other churches....especially if they are larger...tend to be more organized.
LOSTONE Posted December 6, 2014 Author Posted December 6, 2014 My ex will be here by next week and stay as long as she wants. We will be working together to organized my mother’s personal matters, get a solid game plane in places, and let our daughter spend time with my mom. It will be busy and emotional alot. I am grateful I don’t have to do this alone and that my ex is strong enough as a person and in heart to do this.
ERayR Posted December 6, 2014 Posted December 6, 2014 My ex will be here by next week and stay as long as she wants. We will be working together to organized my mother’s personal matters, get a solid game plane in places, and let our daughter spend time with my mom. It will be busy and emotional alot. I am grateful I don’t have to do this alone and that my ex is strong enough as a person and in heart to do this. I don't know if this has been mentioned but you should check into Hospice care. I know they were a big help in my wife's terminal illness. If your mother is eligible for medicare it will be covered by medicare.
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