Lesbian Twin Sister

[zelda]

My twin sister has been a lesbian for 23 years. In that time she has been in more realtionships than I can count. I have ALWAYS been there for her. She knows where I stand religiously and feels the need to push her Anti-Mormon views into most every conversation. When she ends each relationship, I have always been there to help her pick up the pieces. I am tired of the constant emotional drama that "being there for her" brings to me and my family. She is never there for me when I need it. She is always just too busy. I know what I have been taught. Seventy times Seven, and all that, but I really feel like a doormat. She has just started a new relationship and wants me to drop everything we are doing to go meet her. I am tired! I feel like I cannot go through all this again. If I ever say no, all heck breaks loose and all the Anti Mormon rants are horrible. 

[MorningStar]

I'm sorry.    It's hardest to make boundaries with close relatives.  Prayers for you.

[ERayR]

My twin sister has been a lesbian for 23 years. In that time she has been in more realtionships than I can count. I have ALWAYS been there for her. She knows where I stand religiously and feels the need to push her Anti-Mormon views into most every conversation. When she ends each relationship, I have always been there to help her pick up the pieces. I am tired of the constant emotional drama that "being there for her" brings to me and my family. She is never there for me when I need it. She is always just too busy. I know what I have been taught. Seventy times Seven, and all that, but I really feel like a doormat. She has just started a new relationship and wants me to drop everything we are doing to go meet her. I am tired! I feel like I cannot go through all this again. If I ever say no, all heck breaks loose and all the Anti Mormon rants are horrible. 

 

The forgive 70 X 7 directive does not mean you have to keep getting involved in her drama.  You can simply tell her you are not interested in associating with her current love interest or repeated attacks on your lifestyle choices.  Keep in mind that when you do this she will probably throw a tantrum and try to brow beat you back into submission and under her control.  Be prepared to have her sever relationship with you but remember that is her choice not yours.  Just think about all the peace you will have and extra time to enjoy it.

 

We are required to forgive not participate.  I can't believe you have taken this abuse for 23 years.

[teddyaware]

My twin sister has been a lesbian for 23 years. In that time she has been in more realtionships than I can count. I have ALWAYS been there for her. She knows where I stand religiously and feels the need to push her Anti-Mormon views into most every conversation. When she ends each relationship, I have always been there to help her pick up the pieces. I am tired of the constant emotional drama that "being there for her" brings to me and my family. She is never there for me when I need it. She is always just too busy. I know what I have been taught. Seventy times Seven, and all that, but I really feel like a doormat. She has just started a new relationship and wants me to drop everything we are doing to go meet her. I am tired! I feel like I cannot go through all this again. If I ever say no, all heck breaks loose and all the Anti Mormon rants are horrible.

There is wisdom in what ERayR says. Your sister sounds very manipulative and I know from personal experience that there is no way to have a healthy and truly loving relationship with a "hostage taking" manipulator. Manipulators are almost always guilty as sin in their own personal lives, yet they feel no shame nor remorse for their sins. Yet these same shameless people are experts at manipulating others to make them feel excessively guilty for their own sins. It's an uneven playing field that can by no means work in a healthy and productive way.

Edited August 14, 2014 by teddyaware

[The Nehor]

This is emotional abuse. You are under no obligation to do what she wants. If all hell breaks loose isolate yourself from her if she feels the need to rant and scream. There is only one reason your sister keeps doing what she is doing: it works and she gets what she wants. If you have trouble keeping an appropriate distance seek some professional help. Good luck.

[Mola Ram Suda Ram]

There is nothing that requires you to be a door mat. If a sibling is bothering me it is best to have it out and then do what you need to after that. I have found that of the friends I have had that were gay, they always had a double standard in what they expected and what they reciprocated. It was never the same. They really do want their cake and to eat it too. But I don't want to turn this thread into a discussion into that. Just that it might be time to make some ground rules and to change things.

[Guest]

My twin sister has been a lesbian for 23 years. In that time she has been in more realtionships than I can count. I have ALWAYS been there for her. She knows where I stand religiously and feels the need to push her Anti-Mormon views into most every conversation. When she ends each relationship, I have always been there to help her pick up the pieces. I am tired of the constant emotional drama that "being there for her" brings to me and my family. She is never there for me when I need it. She is always just too busy. I know what I have been taught. Seventy times Seven, and all that, but I really feel like a doormat. She has just started a new relationship and wants me to drop everything we are doing to go meet her. I am tired! I feel like I cannot go through all this again. If I ever say no, all heck breaks loose and all the Anti Mormon rants are horrible.

You have the right not to be abused and after 23 relationships you have done your part in meeting the previous 22, as far as anti-Mormon rants reminded her that you have met all these people that she held dear, before each breakup, so she should be liberal minded about what you hold dear. You have the right not to be brought low by her prejudice and scorn. She only goes into her anti-Mormon rants because you listen...in the future; hang up the phone! Or explain to her this is done. However if she can be civil. Met with her privately as often as circumstances allow to show her you love her without condition.

I have a gay child and would walk through hell for her. After 8 years in a relationship that ended, it took her two week to find another. Thankfully she does not attack the Church and attends if I ask her too. So stop being a doormat, which form you post she seems to be treating you like and stand your ground. You deserve better.

[thesometimesaint]

My twin sister has been a lesbian for 23 years. In that time she has been in more realtionships than I can count. I have ALWAYS been there for her. She knows where I stand religiously and feels the need to push her Anti-Mormon views into most every conversation. When she ends each relationship, I have always been there to help her pick up the pieces. I am tired of the constant emotional drama that "being there for her" brings to me and my family. She is never there for me when I need it. She is always just too busy. I know what I have been taught. Seventy times Seven, and all that, but I really feel like a doormat. She has just started a new relationship and wants me to drop everything we are doing to go meet her. I am tired! I feel like I cannot go through all this again. If I ever say no, all heck breaks loose and all the Anti Mormon rants are horrible. 

 

Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is not associate with someone who treats us like an emotional doormat.

[Tacenda]

I taught a lesson on bullying today in school. I seriously think your sister is bullying you. She's making you feel powerless. Tell her you won't stand for it. And if she starts to put down you or the church, try the tactics mentioned in what to do if bullied. 1. Tell someone 2. Ignore, agree or bring humor into it, make a joke etc. IOW, take the power back.

My brother has addiction problems and out of all my siblings I get sucked into his sickness. I finally told him I would hang up after he calls while drunk etc. He's been in and out of jail and currently homeless but did get a job out of town and living in a motorhome with a co- worker. But enough about me, I just relate to it being a sibling. My brother and a few sisters are done with him, the one sister thinks he's a psychopath, but I don't. Anyway, I hope you can find someone to talk to about her. Just know that her behaviour is hurting you. Tell her that, and ask what she will do in order for you to stay in her life. She's exhibiting narcissistic behaviour, where it's all about her. Ask if she ever thinks how she's treating you and your beliefs, and how it's so damaging to your well being. I think she probably feels unloved and tests your love for her, any way I'm sorry you've suffered so much.

I hope you can figure a way out of this, good luck to you!

[Calm]

I had to draw the line when a relative was being abusive to their child and I told the child we would help her is she needed it whatever. We didn't want her to run away to be on her own, a very real possibility. I knew if that got back to the parent, all hell would break loose. And it did.

After attempting to explain that surely ensuring the physical welfare of the child was most important even if threats of running away were manipulation (wonder where the kid picked that up, I can so see how the sins of the parents literally curse the generations that follow) I hung up after enduring screaming and legal threats for way too long. Haven't talked to that relative since. I feel very bad that the situation is what it is. We spent years rescuing, trying to help and so has everyone else in the family. Weren't perfect so made some minor mistakes, but nothing that deserved the level of abuse poured upon our heads.

The quiet is very nice, even liberating. I did what I could and turned the rest of it over to the Lord. You can't control other people, force them to be happy by doing everything just right, etc. It won't be the end of the world if she distances herself from you even if it brings you sorrow knowing she is suffering but refusing to be comforted. It is really all we can do...our best and then leave it in the hands of the Lord for whom all things are possible.

This is not to use God as an excuse to not getting involved, of course. Follow the Spirit, just don't let your emotion and need to help overcome his voice.

Edited August 14, 2014 by calmoriah

[rpn]

First read this.  http://blogs.villagevoice.com/music/2014/08/ask_andrew_wk_right_wing_dad.php

 

But then make a chart showing each relationship and how you have shown up and tried to make each partner part of the family, but that after the ______ one you just aren't going to any more.  Tell her this has nothing to do with faith and everything to do with investing emotionally in relationships that she tosses away, which is confusing to people who love her.   Maybe get her some of the ettiquette advice that says that you don't have to send a wedding gift  except to the first wedding.   Tell her that you are happy for her, but she needs to quit expecting you to emotionally invest in relationships before she does enough to have them stick around. 

 

At the same time, write the new person a note and welcome them, and tell them if they are still around in a year (your time may vary), you hope to get to know them.

[Calm]

The note might be seen as trying to sabatoge the relationship by the sister...I wouldn't phrase it that way if you are going to write one, maybe that getting to know the family is better left for later in a relationship as it adds complications not needed in new ones.

[rpn]

calmorah's correct that my wording suggestion was bad.  And I'm thinking it might also be better if you ahead one more time but tell her this is the last time, and how you will handle things in the future.  Then it will be her choice, more than she might think it to be today.

[Kevin Christensen]

My twin sister has been a lesbian for 23 years. In that time she has been in more realtionships than I can count. I have ALWAYS been there for her. She knows where I stand religiously and feels the need to push her Anti-Mormon views into most every conversation. When she ends each relationship, I have always been there to help her pick up the pieces. I am tired of the constant emotional drama that "being there for her" brings to me and my family. She is never there for me when I need it. She is always just too busy. I know what I have been taught. Seventy times Seven, and all that, but I really feel like a doormat. She has just started a new relationship and wants me to drop everything we are doing to go meet her. I am tired! I feel like I cannot go through all this again. If I ever say no, all heck breaks loose and all the Anti Mormon rants are horrible. 

I'd recommend reading Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Marsha Means and Barbara Steffans.  Just because a person is a lesbian does not mean they are not also sex addicted. And while a sister is not a spouse, the stresses in the relationship have some kinship. And the book discusses both codependence and trauma reactions.   I have a feeling that the insights and toolset in the book might be helpful to you.

 

Best,

 

Kevin Christensen

Bethel Park, PA

[Daniel2]

I'm sorry for the challenges you're experiencing. Family and faith are two of the most deeply-held relations we can experience. When they conflict, it isn't easy, and neither is being taken advantage of, manipulated, or bullied.

I would recommend getting in touch and working directly with a therapist in real life, instead of relying on mostly anonymous posters on an Internet site that don't know the full story. Such a therapist will likely help you review and take inventory of how you're feeling, the events leading up to now, and help you make objective and healthy decisions best for yourself and your sister.

Edited August 21, 2014 by Daniel2

[EllenMaksoud]

My twin sister has been a lesbian for 23 years. In that time she has been in more realtionships than I can count. I have ALWAYS been there for her. She knows where I stand religiously and feels the need to push her Anti-Mormon views into most every conversation. When she ends each relationship, I have always been there to help her pick up the pieces. I am tired of the constant emotional drama that "being there for her" brings to me and my family. She is never there for me when I need it. She is always just too busy. I know what I have been taught. Seventy times Seven, and all that, but I really feel like a doormat. She has just started a new relationship and wants me to drop everything we are doing to go meet her. I am tired! I feel like I cannot go through all this again. If I ever say no, all heck breaks loose and all the Anti Mormon rants are horrible. 

I just recently began to exclude people from my life that hurt me. This includes my son, and several other authors that are extremely disrespectful of my own religious views. I have drawn back from the church also until I get more peace about what to do. Stupidly, it took me two recent trips to a place where I was locked in to finally realize that I do have the freedom and responsibility to not be beat up. To do anything else is fundamentally Masochistic.