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Church callings before family


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On 6/12/2021 at 6:21 PM, Chum said:

My calling related regrets tended to be when I said yes. As in "Yes, I'll fraudulently sign blue cards."

Having had Council level access to mb programs, clinics etc run by lds troops, I can verify there was rampant advancement fraud in the area I am in. I should actually start a thread on that some day- lds scout rant lol. I’d say at least half the eagles “earned” in my stake for sure were total scams. The other half good to go. 

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On 6/12/2021 at 3:40 PM, IndyBelle said:

I'm new here, I'm not sure if this topic aligns with other topics here, because it's something about the church that I'm struggling with. I've been struggling with a few things, but this one is really eating at me today, so here I am. I'm in some LDS Facebook groups, but I didn't feel comfortable posting there. So hi! Teenage convert (13 years ago), married, 4 kids.

Okay.

Does anyone struggle with the church being so family-centered, and yet they ask one or both parents to leave their family duties to help with church activities/callings all the time? 
The whole four years my husband was in dental school, which is challenging enough for a young family, he was YM President. We went from 1-3 babies during the duration of his calling — that’s how long he was in it. And during that time he never missed an event. He was going to mutual every week and staying after for hours, doing Boy Scouts activities, camp outs once a month, sometimes week-long camp outs, going to church early, staying at church late, driving kids to church dances, chaperoning dances, dropping what he was doing to give someone a ride, the list goes on as many of you know. I look back on that time and think, wow. We were stretched so thin because of church during an already stressful time in our lives. And anytime I’d try to put my foot down and say, “No, not this time. I really need you helping me with the kids today.” He felt like he was letting everyone down by helping me, so he would choose the calling. It drove me nuts.
Fast forward to him now having a stake calling as YM secretary, and it’s youth conference this weekend. After already coming home late from work every day this week, and me having mental breakdowns and anxiety attacks (something new and scary for me to navigate. I recently had baby #4, and never felt like this before), he went straight from work to attend the conference yesterday and didn’t come home until after midnight, and was up this morning at 6 to go again and won’t be back until 6 tonight. He felt like he’d me letting them down if he helped me.
It’s just super hard for me to be literally crying out for help for years now, and our family comes second to church stuff.
Feelings of resentment are really stirring up, and I don’t want to feel that way towards the church. I know service is important. I know. But why is it so often prioritized over families?
Again, sorry if this is not in line with the purpose of this forum. 😳

First, welcome to the board. I'm guessing from what you said, you're probably somewhere around 28 to 33 years old, and now you have four kids and one is a newborn. Ok, that's a tuff situation to be in even with help from your husband, but you can get through this, plenty of couples do, so there is hope. 

     I'm going to take a different approach by telling you what the women in my life would do if I was slacking at home by spending too much time away and not helping out around the house. Maybe you'll get a few ideas by seeing how they handle situations by taking a No Nonsense approach 😁, and I mean they don't play around, trust me😂

    So I'm not going to sugar coat this, because my wife doesn't,  ready? First, you have four kids, sounds like very little help and now you're having anxiety and feeling resentment. So, take charge!  If your husband isn't listening, show him you're not playing around anymore. Hire someone to help you out, maybe someone from your ward, if not from your ward, then find someone else and tell him he's paying for it. I would suggest not even asking him, just hire them, if he complains, tell him it's cheaper than divorce. Then figure out how much time you need them for so you can take time for yourself. 

    If you need therapy, get therapy, hard to get a face to face appointment now so maybe it will be done online, but either way, make him pay for it.

    Have you made sure you're set for a future incase he passes away? Here's something else to think about. If you don't already pay the monthly bills, take them over, do them 100% yourself. My wife tells me exactly what is needed to run our base of operation (household) and I don't question it. She also makes sure the first bill payed is my life insurance policy 😂. If you don't have a policy incase your husband passes, get one, make sure you or he pays it, that will help wake him up a little bit. 

     I understand with four kids you probably don't even want to think about a job, 100% understood. But I'm throwing this out there so you can think about it. It takes 40 quarters to be eligible for Social Security benefits at retirement age. Talk to your husband and maybe come up with a plan so you can make sure you're working toward that. Just an idea, if you have some one you trust watching your kids, can you work in the dental office, I think it takes $1500 a quarter to count toward your 40 quarters. 

     Find someone who would possibly want to help you start a business. Who knows, there's always a chance if you're successful, your husband might quit and start working for you😁. Basically, what I've said today is make sure you take care of yourself first and foremost, don't wait on your husband, the women in my life don't wait on me, jeez, I can barely keep up as it is. If he has to come along by you dragging him at FIRST, then so be it. Sometimes us men need a lot of persuasion.  You got this!!!! 

     

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4 hours ago, AtlanticMike said:

First, welcome to the board. I'm guessing from what you said, you're probably somewhere around 28 to 33 years old, and now you have four kids and one is a newborn. Ok, that's a tuff situation to be in even with help from your husband, but you can get through this, plenty of couples do, so there is hope. 

     I'm going to take a different approach by telling you what the women in my life would do if I was slacking at home by spending too much time away and not helping out around the house. Maybe you'll get a few ideas by seeing how they handle situations by taking a No Nonsense approach 😁, and I mean they don't play around, trust me😂

    So I'm not going to sugar coat this, because my wife doesn't,  ready? First, you have four kids, sounds like very little help and now you're having anxiety and feeling resentment. So, take charge!  If your husband isn't listening, show him you're not playing around anymore. Hire someone to help you out, maybe someone from your ward, if not from your ward, then find someone else and tell him he's paying for it. I would suggest not even asking him, just hire them, if he complains, tell him it's cheaper than divorce. Then figure out how much time you need them for so you can take time for yourself. 

    If you need therapy, get therapy, hard to get a face to face appointment now so maybe it will be done online, but either way, make him pay for it.

    Have you made sure you're set for a future incase he passes away? Here's something else to think about. If you don't already pay the monthly bills, take them over, do them 100% yourself. My wife tells me exactly what is needed to run our base of operation (household) and I don't question it. She also makes sure the first bill payed is my life insurance policy 😂. If you don't have a policy incase your husband passes, get one, make sure you or he pays it, that will help wake him up a little bit. 

     I understand with four kids you probably don't even want to think about a job, 100% understood. But I'm throwing this out there so you can think about it. It takes 40 quarters to be eligible for Social Security benefits at retirement age. Talk to your husband and maybe come up with a plan so you can make sure you're working toward that. Just an idea, if you have some one you trust watching your kids, can you work in the dental office, I think it takes $1500 a quarter to count toward your 40 quarters. 

     Find someone who would possibly want to help you start a business. Who knows, there's always a chance if you're successful, your husband might quit and start working for you😁. Basically, what I've said today is make sure you take care of yourself first and foremost, don't wait on your husband, the women in my life don't wait on me, jeez, I can barely keep up as it is. If he has to come along by you dragging him at FIRST, then so be it. Sometimes us men need a lot of persuasion.  You got this!!!! 

     

Another good post!

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On 6/12/2021 at 2:40 PM, IndyBelle said:

Does anyone struggle with the church being so family-centered, and yet they ask one or both parents to leave their family duties to help with church activities/callings all the time? 

When I received my most recent calling (bishopric), our stake president invited both my wife and I to visit before extending the calling.

One of the things he touched on specifically was the need to prioritize family.

And he went on to tell my wife explicitly that, should I ever get busy and start to forget that duty, she should remind me of the conversation we were having right then.

The Lord does expect us to serve him, and to sacrifice our time to do so, but not at the expense of our families.

 

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40 minutes ago, Amulek said:

When I received my most recent calling (bishopric), our stake president invited both my wife and I to visit before extending the calling.

One of the things he touched on specifically was the need to prioritize family.

And he went on to tell my wife explicitly that, should I ever get busy and start to forget that duty, she should remind me of the conversation we were having right then.

The Lord does expect us to serve him, and to sacrifice our time to do so, but not at the expense of our families.

 

Wonderful!!

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Negative Nelly here, welcome to the board. 

My brother in law has been in bishoprics and has been in the high council a couple of times, is a current a high councilman, is that how you say it? He is hardly there when our families get together on Sundays. My niece is visiting from California with her family and my sister and I want to have a get together with as many as can come, it's our other sister's daughter. Well, while eating out to dinner with my sister and this brother in law we were talking about the get together and planning it. My brother in law spoke up and said he may not make it since it's on a Sunday. Well it's going to be on the 4th of July in the evening for crying out loud, what on earth could keep him from attending! Family first, my butt. 

Edited by Tacenda
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4 hours ago, Tacenda said:

Negative Nelly here, welcome to the board. 

My brother in law has been in bishoprics and has been in the high council a couple of times, is a current a high councilman, is that how you say it? He is hardly there when our families get together on Sundays. My niece is visiting from California with her family and my sister and I want to have a get together with as many as can come, it's our other sister's daughter. Well, while eating out to dinner with my sister and this brother in law we were talking about the get together and planning it. My brother in law spoke up and said he may not make it since it's on a Sunday. Well it's going to be on the 4th of July in the evening for crying out loud, what on earth could keep him from attending! Family first, my butt. 

I think it’s his problem. No way to blame this on a calling. We are supposed to set our own boundaries and the 4th being booked with church just sounds like an excuse not to attend. 
 

Families have to learn boundaries with work/church/kids activities. I think some people think being busy enhances their ‘worth.’ It’s an ego boost. 

 

 

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6 hours ago, katherine the great said:

This thread is giving me PTSD. Hang in there IndyBelle. There’s a lot of great advice in here and most of us ladies have been in your shoes at one point or other. 

My mom had a couple month long melt downs over all the crap that comes with a high power and time intensive calling for the hubby. Made her life a total mess in terms of essentially raising a family by herself. Don’t forget about the kids either. It sucks that the church nearly always won out for attention over the kids. Sunday’s that were holidays were the only ones my dad was ever home for or even in attendance at our home ward for that matter. 

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6 hours ago, bsjkki said:

I think it’s his problem. No way to blame this on a calling. We are supposed to set our own boundaries and the 4th being booked with church just sounds like an excuse not to attend. 
 

Families have to learn boundaries with work/church/kids activities. I think some people think being busy enhances their ‘worth.’ It’s an ego boost. 

 

 

Yes, it's his fault totally, not blaming the callings.

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