What To Do When Loved Ones Leave the Church

[cherryTreez]

On 6/24/2019 at 2:53 AM, california boy said:

Why in the world would you not include them in celebrating a baptism, a mission call etc?  Seriously, I really want to know because my family did the same thing to me.  I was never invited to hear a mission talk, or attend a baptism of a niece or nephew or a blessing of a new born child.  I could never understand this kind of thinking.  I still can't.  THIS really reinforces the message that if you are not in the Church, you are no longer a member of the family.  You made your choice, now you have to live with the consequences.  You call this compassion?  What do you do that is compassionate?  Call them up and say, I feel really bad you can't participate in your nephew's farewell address?  But you made the choice to leave.  We haven't changed, you have.  Save your prayers.  Save your outpouring of love.  If the person is invited and encouraged to attend, they won't feel sadness for not being able to participate.  They should be allowed to participate.  We get that temple sealing are off limits.  But blessings? Baptisms?  Mission Calls?

In our case with my brother, he mocks everything. He makes fun of the nieces and nephews for going on missions. He says it's brainwashing to have kids get baptized.  He make everything horrible. If he could show up and be civil, I would have invited him to more things.  Thankfully, I live states away from him and don't have to deal with him anymore. 

He hates that the rest of us all live the gospel. Misery loves company and he wants the family all on his level.  

[california boy]

8 minutes ago, Stargazer said:

I hear what you're saying, but I have evidence in my raising of them that they were still listening to me about certain things well after they were 12.

The other thing is that they are each their own person.  How it goes with one is not how it goes with another.

That much is certain!

Yes.  If one is to be successful in such an attempt, then one must wait for teaching moments -- and even then it's a crapshoot.  So to speak. 

Which is actually comforting.  It's not up to me.

Your observation and belief seems well grounded, and I would only quibble over specifics, not generalities.  One specific quibble is that, in some cases there may be a window of opportunity where an "intervention" might succeed. Or there may never be such.

I don't want to be misunderstood.  I am not saying that children can't change after 12 years old.  I am just saying that trying to start instilling fundamental core beliefs after 12 is extremely difficult imo.  Certainly continuing to guide those core beliefs as a parent is still very important.  In my view however, getting the child to come to the right conclusion on their own as much as possible should be the goal.  I grew up with parents that said no to everything.  I knew from experience that you can't control your children no matter how much you think you can.  The choices they make have to be their choices.  A parents responsibility to to show the possible positive and negative outcomes of those choices.  My kids heard more than once "When you pick up a stick, you also pick up the other end of that stick."  Meaning that the choices you make always lead somewhere.  They have to decide if where those choices lead is how they want to live their lives.  

[Stargazer]

3 hours ago, california boy said:

I don't want to be misunderstood.  I am not saying that children can't change after 12 years old.  I am just saying that trying to start instilling fundamental core beliefs after 12 is extremely difficult imo.  Certainly continuing to guide those core beliefs as a parent is still very important.  In my view however, getting the child to come to the right conclusion on their own as much as possible should be the goal.  I grew up with parents that said no to everything.  I knew from experience that you can't control your children no matter how much you think you can.  The choices they make have to be their choices.  A parents responsibility to to show the possible positive and negative outcomes of those choices.  My kids heard more than once "When you pick up a stick, you also pick up the other end of that stick."  Meaning that the choices you make always lead somewhere.  They have to decide if where those choices lead is how they want to live their lives.  

I agree.  I like your stick analogy, too.

[bsjkki]

What to do when loved ones leave the church?

That is the question in the op, correct?

The truth is we love those that leave. We should not banish nor disinvite. 

The truth is also that as mothers and fathers, we cry. We cry a lot.

We struggle with not feeling personally rejected.

Sometimes we end up picking up the pieces of very shattered lives.

 

 

[Tacenda]

Was glad to hear what Elder Snow says in this interview. He mentioned that many members didn't know about JS's polygamy, most only knew of the Utah polygamy with BY. It made me feel validated since for so many years discussing on this board many made me feel pretty stupid for not knowing that Joseph Smith lived it the way he did. Pretty much shows that the church tried to keep it under wraps, or leaders at the time did. He also mentions how he wishes that in the Gospel Topic Essay on polygamy, he wishes they hadn't described Helen Mar Kimball's age at the time was just shy of 15 years old, lol!

 

[The Nehor]

In regards to the original question of how to deal with family members who leave I wonder why we do not turn to the scriptures for counsel. The commandment is clear and explicit:

6 If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers;
7 Namely, of the gods of the people which are round about you, nigh unto thee, or far off from thee, from the one end of the earth even unto the other end of the earth;
8 Thou shalt not consent unto him, nor hearken unto him; neither shall thine eye pity him, neither shalt thou spare, neither shalt thou conceal him:
9 But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people.

10 And thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die; because he hath sought to thrust thee away from the Lord thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt, from the house of bondage.

 

I hope we can end the discussion there.