Jump to content

Inactive Husband


momof6

Recommended Posts

Hi, I am new to the board and just looking for some insight. My husband and I have been together almost 4 years. We have a very rocky relationship. We are in counseling right now trying to make it work, I am skeptical. Although we have in the past lived very actively in the church, for the duration of our relationship, we have been incactive. We have one child together and are expecting our second this summer. I am ready to be active again, seeking temple blessings and want to be active for my kids again. He, however is not. I dont know that I want to continue this marriage if he does not want the same things as me. Do you think it is wrong to ask for a divorce if he is not going to be active?

Link to comment

I was in this situation about ten years ago, except I wasn't inactive but my now ex was and within a year or so IIRC of us getting sealed in the Temple. I guess my answer is it all depends. Is he supportive of your coming to Church? if he is and is a nice companion to you then stick with it but if he isn't supportive of you at all then you need to decide what is best and remember you and your children are living with the consquences, not me, not the Bishop, not a marriage counsellor. Just my 2 now defunct Canadian Pennies

Link to comment

In the context of speaking with ward and stake leaders, they are not to counsel divorce as an option in almost all cases. Perhaps you've found that out already which is why you are asking here. However, this is not a Church venue....... ;)

Do you love your husband? Do you think he will support you and your children's desire to be active even when he is not or will he be an active influence on them against the Church? Are you ready to raise your children on your own with the possibility of few or no prospects for remarriage?

It is a tough question as the statistics show it is unlikely for a child raised in an inactive family to be active and believing later in life yet an active wife and children could one day be the means of salvation for an inactive husband.

I would say it all boils down to does he respect your beliefs even though he may not hold them himself or will he be a stumbling block for you in that area and try to hold you back? Does he claim that the Church takes too much time away from your relationship?

We have several older middle-aged women in our ward who would be active in a heartbeat but their husbands (members but inactive) jealously guard them from being active and holding callings. Their children of course have fallen by the wayside in spiritual terms because of their fathers as this has gone on for years in these households.

One of them was able to be the organist in our ward and all she did was come to sacrament meeting, play the organ, and go home. After about a year of this, her husband accused her of putting the Church before their marriage because of that measly 1+ hour of Sunday time which she could have spent with him. Personally, I consider that abusive and I am a man.

If it looks like it'll turn out like that, I would seek a new life (easy for me to say) if the gospel is as important to you as I think it is. However, given the difficultly of single parenting and how difficult it is to find a good man who will take you with your children, I can understand why you might risk the life these other women have.

Hopefully it's not like that at all and you can work things out.

Link to comment

My opinion is worth what you paid for it, but I married a nonmember so I would say on the face of it, no....at least not until you have established and stabilized your desired lifestyle. It is not ideal, of course, but if he will support you in what you do (as you will support him) there shouldn't be conflict. Activity in the church can change over lifetimes, I don't think that is a dependable reason for divorce when children are involved....unless he is going to defy you and your choices. A woman I know had a husband who became quite anti and began drinking wine at dinner and encouraging the kids to taste and stuff like that. They worked it out eventually. But it would be the hostility and disrespect that is the problem not the lack of activity.

Link to comment

Hi, I am new to the board and just looking for some insight. My husband and I have been together almost 4 years. We have a very rocky relationship. We are in counseling right now trying to make it work, I am skeptical. Although we have in the past lived very actively in the church, for the duration of our relationship, we have been incactive. We have one child together and are expecting our second this summer. I am ready to be active again, seeking temple blessings and want to be active for my kids again. He, however is not. I dont know that I want to continue this marriage if he does not want the same things as me. Do you think it is wrong to ask for a divorce if he is not going to be active?

You have some hard choices before you. But my one bit of advice is to never use Church inactivity as a stick to threaten divorce.

Link to comment

If it looks like it'll turn out like that, I would seek a new life (easy for me to say) if the gospel is as important to you as I think it is. However, given the difficultly of single parenting and how difficult it is to find a good man who will take you with your children, I can understand why you might risk the life these other women have.

I would be careful in presenting life as an either or choice for women. Single parenting is hard. Double parenting is hard. Life is hard. Not all women make choices based on what is "easy" and have rich fulfilling lives. And there is something a little icky in talking to a woman about what man will take her.

Link to comment

I think one of the key factors is what your relationship is like with your husband... is it built on love and mutual respect. Will he support you in your decision to be active even though he will not be. This is where IMO you need to sit down with your husband, take him by the hands, and tell him sincerely how you would like to be active, and have your chlldren active, with his support even if he chooses not to be. Tell him how you appreciate him and want his support in this.

Then start to live the gospel, in word and deed... let it be reflected in how you treat him, in the spirit you bring to the home. Sincerely show him love and respect. Do this first before you make any decisions... A couple of my ward sisters were in similar situations and eventually, wonder of wonders, their husbands reactivated... I would never have guessed the husbands had ever been inactive.

I married non-LDS and spent many years in inactivity. Through the years I'd receive promptings to return to Church... finally after watching Gen Conf in 1995, I told my husband I really felt the need to return and he was supportive of my decision. Though he chose not to share my faith, he supported me in my callings and activity... that was very important. He passed away suddenly three years later... we are now sealed...

GG

Link to comment

There are only two reasons that justify divorce --- abuse and adultery (and some couples work through adultery). You are in a hard place, but discarding your own covenants because of another's unbelief is inconsistent with agency --- that ooh so important element of Heavenly Father's plan. There is a website called faceseast.org that helps people figure out how to stay married to a non-believing spouse. Two things: focus on the values you still share; and don't get marriage issues mixed up with church issues.

Link to comment

You will not miss out on eternal blessings if your heart and soul are seeking the Lord to the best of your ability, even if that ability is currently limited by others so that you can't enjoy the product of having those eternal blessings right now. Don't let fear of that convince you to leave what may be where you need to be in the here and now. If you leave, I agree with rpn, it needs to be for something very much different than his current set of beliefs not being the same as yours.

Of course the only person who really has the advice you need is the Lord and I would suggest seeking his opinion on your marriage and what you should be doing every night and morning....as all of us should be doing even if we have the most perfect marriage (as if that were possible, lol, which is why we all need to ask the Lord's advice constantly).

Link to comment
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...