Church Dance Chaperone Turned Dance Instructor

[MorningStar]

Hypothetically speaking, let’s say a 40 something year old man volunteers to chaperone a church dance and instead of chaperoning, he dances with teenage girls because he’s teaching them how to swing dance. 
 

Do you consider this a red flag?

[Calm]

6 hours ago, MorningStar said:

Hypothetically speaking, let’s say a 40 something year old man volunteers to chaperone a church dance and instead of chaperoning, he dances with teenage girls because he’s teaching them how to swing dance. 
 

Do you consider this a red flag?

Depends on the rest of the story. Is he involving the young men and perhaps other adults as well or just focusing on the girls?  I can see someone passionate about or good at dance wanting to share their joy in it, but that would be applied to all, not just the girls. 

Also were there a lot of girls just standing around doing nothing?  He may have had pity on the wall flowers, trying to make coming to the dance a worthwhile experience for them. 

Is he married or single, is his wife there as well, does he have daughters he has taught?

Edited June 17, 2024 by Calm

[MustardSeed]

8 hours ago, MorningStar said:

Hypothetically speaking, let’s say a 40 something year old man volunteers to chaperone a church dance and instead of chaperoning, he dances with teenage girls because he’s teaching them how to swing dance. 
 

Do you consider this a red flag?

Not necessarily. 

I’m sure if it becomes a problem you will be able to take action. 

Edited June 17, 2024 by MustardSeed

[MorningStar]

3 hours ago, Calm said:

Depends on the rest of the story. Is he involving the young men and perhaps other adults as well or just focusing on the girls?  I can see someone passionate about or good at dance wanting to share their joy in it, but that would be applied to all, not just the girls. 

Also were there a lot of girls just standing around doing nothing?  He may have had pity on the wall flowers, trying to make coming to the dance a worthwhile experience for them. 

Is he married or single, is his wife there as well, does he have daughters he has taught?

Just focusing on the girls. This was for our daughter’s youth conference and the visiting church leader was making the boys ask the girls to dance, so no problem with wall flowers.

The man’s son creeps my daughter out and she said, “Now I know why he’s creepy. His dad is creepy.” 

My daughter and her friend were so uncomfortable, they were chaperoning the chaperone and they refused to leave until he left. He was offering rides afterwards and one teenage girl got in the car with him and his son. 

My daughter was so bothered, she texted me while I was out and asked when I was coming home. She then told my friend who was just called to the stake YW presidency and she wasn’t happy to hear about his behavior and said she would talk to the stake about it. My daughter also said that when swing dance was taught at FSY, two adults demonstrated with each other and they did not dance with kids. 

Yes, this man is married with kids. I don’t know if his wife was there, but if she was, creeps will do things in plain sight.

I think more than anything, the Spirit was telling my daughter that something’s wrong. 

[MorningStar]

1 hour ago, MustardSeed said:

Not necessarily. 

I’m sure if it becomes a problem you will be able to take action. 

Thank you! I will definitely be talking to friends in his ward. Never met him.

[Pyreaux]

I assume he's married. These are Youth, not Young Adults? He's not a trained dance instructor? Teaching by just showing? Excluding males, naturally males dance with females. Is he teaching any and every willing girl? Is he imposing himself upon them or certain ones?

It sounds like in the least he's passionate about Swing and seized an opportunity to do it or share it, or at worst, the calling is boring and he's participating in all the youth activities intended for youth only, when maybe he shouldn't. Nothing too scandalous.

Edited: 6 mins late to see you answered my questions. Do the creepy vibes come from him and his son's appearance, is he unattractive?

Edited June 17, 2024 by Pyreaux

[Calm]

26 minutes ago, MorningStar said:

Just focusing on the girls. This was for our daughter’s youth conference and the visiting church leader was making the boys ask the girls to dance, so no problem with wall flowers.

The man’s son creeps my daughter out and she said, “Now I know why he’s creepy. His dad is creepy.” 

My daughter and her friend were so uncomfortable, they were chaperoning the chaperone and they refused to leave until he left. He was offering rides afterwards and one teenage girl got in the car with him and his son. 

My daughter was so bothered, she texted me while I was out and asked when I was coming home. She then told my friend who was just called to the stake YW presidency and she wasn’t happy to hear about his behavior and said she would talk to the stake about it. My daughter also said that when swing dance was taught at FSY, two adults demonstrated with each other and they did not dance with kids. 

Yes, this man is married with kids. I don’t know if his wife was there, but if she was, creeps will do things in plain sight.

I think more than anything, the Spirit was telling my daughter that something’s wrong. 

If your daughter was bothered, that is a red flag for sure.

[MustardSeed]

Here’s my opinion, for whatever that’s worth!

I would be careful about conversations with other people about this without more solid evidence that he’s doing something or has intention to do something wrong. You can totally destroy somebody’s life- I have seen it happen.

What does make sense under the circumstances with the limited information you have is to let your daughter know that she can always listen to her instincts. Even if her thoughts are simply intrusive, and not accurate (meaning, that the person actually has no ill intent) if she’s uncomfortable, she should stay away. End of story. That philosophy will serve her well in life. 
That said, prudence in stirring concern for others is wise.

[rpn]

I do not.   But I recognize it as someone who loves dancing and wants everyone to learn to dance because we are losing the skill that turns arguments into discussions in the kitchens of homes, and sometimes laughter.       If I were in charge, I would be concerned if he didn't come with his wife and I'd hope she'd do the same with the young men.    Invite couples to teach a dance in the first 10 minutes of the activity and/or the first of the last hour.   And consider how you can make sure that every girl is asked at least twice by someone to dance.   

[rpn]

3 hours ago, MorningStar said:

He was offering rides afterwards and one teenage girl got in the car with him and his son. 

Now this, I would report him to the Bishop (who has authority to decide whether or not he needs to say or do something for or with any of the actors).   And I'd suggest that the YW's leader reteach her that there always must be two deep adults for any teen to get in that car with any adult and always having called their parent to tell them so and so is bringing them home and they are leaving now.

If I'd been an adult I would have approached that vehicle and reminded the adult no adult can be with a teen without two deep adults, and invite the girl to get out of the car unless she called her parent and got permission to leave with Bro so and so and son.

Edited June 17, 2024 by rpn

[MorningStar]

5 hours ago, MustardSeed said:

Here’s my opinion, for whatever that’s worth!

I would be careful about conversations with other people about this without more solid evidence that he’s doing something or has intention to do something wrong. You can totally destroy somebody’s life- I have seen it happen.

What does make sense under the circumstances with the limited information you have is to let your daughter know that she can always listen to her instincts. Even if her thoughts are simply intrusive, and not accurate (meaning, that the person actually has no ill intent) if she’s uncomfortable, she should stay away. End of story. That philosophy will serve her well in life. 
That said, prudence in stirring concern for others is wise.

I'll be careful. She told my friend because she's in the stake YW presidency and maybe there have been other complaints. This is the first time my daughter has ever called something out like this and it's really weighing on her. Watching her friends dance with this man made her feel like, "Can't you all see what he's doing?" I'll be volunteering to chaperone at the next one for sure so I can observe myself. 

[Stargazer]

First of all, this man's actions as described seem creepy. But I feel that offense can sometimes be solely in the eye of the beholder.

A man I know volunteered to assist at a youth baptism for the first time in his life. In the event, he noticed that a couple of the girls had not changed into white baptismal clothing, and innocently and conversationally asked if the temple had run out of suitable clothing. What he didn't know was that the two girls were in that time of the month, and he being a father exclusively of boys, it had never occurred to him the problem inherent in the juxtapositions. Later, he was aghast that the mother of one of the girls had raised his innocent question as a possible "creep" situation. He vowed never to ever volunteer at a youth baptism ever again. 

[MorningStar]

23 hours ago, Stargazer said:

First of all, this man's actions as described seem creepy. But I feel that offense can sometimes be solely in the eye of the beholder.

A man I know volunteered to assist at a youth baptism for the first time in his life. In the event, he noticed that a couple of the girls had not changed into white baptismal clothing, and innocently and conversationally asked if the temple had run out of suitable clothing. What he didn't know was that the two girls were in that time of the month, and he being a father exclusively of boys, it had never occurred to him the problem inherent in the juxtapositions. Later, he was aghast that the mother of one of the girls had raised his innocent question as a possible "creep" situation. He vowed never to ever volunteer at a youth baptism ever again. 

Sad! His question was totally innocent as he was clearly clueless about girl stuff. The girls were probably already embarrassed about it being obvious they were on their periods. 

If a grown man were to dance with my daughter, it would have to be with my permission in advance for an approved activity. Not some random chaperone deciding he's going to dance with my daughter instead of watching the kids like he's supposed to. I can never forget that predators will look for every opportunity to get close to kids. Not that every man who gets close to kids is a predator. Not saying that at all. I can't wait to live in a world where we can trust everyone.