My son has decided he does not want to attend Church anymore - how do I build our relationship without this?

[CV75]

2 hours ago, Bernard Gui said:

This is probably where we are not communicating. My experience with the “how to” may not be the same as yours.

I would say that when family members no longer share a common testimony or spiritual identity (or trust in the Lord in the same way, or not at all), the relationship can continue when the parties can find meaningfulness in any remaining or newly found shared interests. These relationships may not be as happy as they once were, but they can be happy enough. We cannot drive others' interests or restore what was lost, but we can "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." (Proverbs 3:5-6) People can stop believing that, but those who retain that belief do feel better in their relationships because they have actively acknowledged the Lord as part of these relationships.

Edited January 20, 2023 by CV75

[Bernard Gui]

2 hours ago, CV75 said:

I would say that when family members no longer share a common testimony or spiritual identity (or trust in the Lord in the same way, or not at all), the relationship can continue when the parties can find meaningfulness in any remaining or newly found shared interests. These relationships may not be as happy as they once were, but they can be happy enough. We cannot drive others' interests or restore what was lost, but we can "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." (Proverbs 3:5-6) People can stop believing that, but those who retain that belief do feel better in their relationships because they have actively acknowledged the Lord as part of these relationships.

Yes. This is true. Thanks.

There are times and circumstances when  shared interests and beliefs are suspended or even cut off, being replaced by darker materials. When that trust fails, we give the burden to the Lord and trust that all will be according to his beneficent will. That is the path to peace. 

[manol]

22 hours ago, Bernard Gui said:

I’ve met many people in these situations. It was never easy for any of them, yours truly included.

I actively believe that all things will work together for our good (and for the good of all involved), and that all wounds will be healed.

I posted previously in this thread about a particularly bad day when I was ten years old, and what I later did about it, in general terms.

In more recent years, I have two adult children who each want nothing to do with anyone else in the family (and the rest of the family wants nothing to do with them)... except for me.  They each made choices outside of my normal comfort zone, and I made the choice from the outset to perceive from a non-judgmental point of view, and to love without reservation [edit: easier said than done!].  As a result they and I have never been estranged.  I love them and they love me as much as (if not more than) when they were little kids. 

In case anyone is interested, this non-judgmental point of view is described here in less than two minutes: 

https://youtu.be/qQG7DFB_E0k?t=2458

 

22 hours ago, Bernard Gui said:

This is probably where we are not communicating. My experience with the “how to” may not be the same as yours.

And imo that's okay.  Thank you for having this conversation with me. 

I think the hardest tests are sent to the more advanced students, and the most critical cases are entrusted to the greatest healers.  I think there is a reason you have been sent harder tests and more critical cases than me.  The worth of souls is great.  I respect you and your faith.   

Edited January 20, 2023 by manol

[MustardSeed]

10 hours ago, manol said:

I actively believe that all things will work together for our good (and for the good of all involved), and that all wounds will be healed.

I posted previously in this thread about a particularly bad day when I was ten years old, and what I later did about it, in general terms.

In more recent years, I have two adult children who each want nothing to do with anyone else in the family (and the rest of the family wants nothing to do with them)... except for me.  They each made choices outside of my normal comfort zone, and I made the choice from the outset to perceive from a non-judgmental point of view, and to love without reservation.  As a result they and I have never been estranged.  I love them and they love me as much as (if not more than) when they were little kids. 

 

Beautiful.  
I imagine in life, one of the hardest things to contend with it would be children who are addicts, specifically to substances. That is beyond the scope of my experience and when I talk about love, love alone cannot save a child or a relationship where drugs are involved. My heart goes out to any parent dealing with such things.

that said, I love your example of your own children.  When my kids were young I watched two specific women in my ward who had a really close relationships with their children. I patterned after them as my own children grew and I could see that my plans for my life and my children’s life for being thwarted by reality.  I had not been raised in a communicative home. I was safe, I was loved, but I perceived that that love was conditional. Both of my sons called me last night to talk about some really special things going on in their lives, and feel I owe my relationship with my boys to tues two women I watched years ago.  They never used the term “wayward”, they never cried at the pulpit about lost kids, they just spoke proudly of each of their kids and adored them openly regardless.  No fear.  

I imagine you are also inspiring as a parent to someone like me. 

[Bernard Gui]

16 hours ago, manol said:

I actively believe that all things will work together for our good (and for the good of all involved), and that all wounds will be healed.

I posted previously in this thread about a particularly bad day when I was ten years old, and what I later did about it, in general terms.

In more recent years, I have two adult children who each want nothing to do with anyone else in the family (and the rest of the family wants nothing to do with them)... except for me.  They each made choices outside of my normal comfort zone, and I made the choice from the outset to perceive from a non-judgmental point of view, and to love without reservation [edit: easier said than done!].  As a result they and I have never been estranged.  I love them and they love me as much as (if not more than) when they were little kids. 

In case anyone is interested, this non-judgmental point of view is described here in less than two minutes: 

https://youtu.be/qQG7DFB_E0k?t=2458

 

And imo that's okay.  Thank you for having this conversation with me. 

I think the hardest tests are sent to the more advanced students, and the most critical cases are entrusted to the greatest healers.  I think there is a reason you have been sent harder tests and more critical cases than me.  The worth of souls is great.  I respect you and your faith.   [IGUALMENTE]

Thank you. I’m in agreement. Our situations with kids appear to be somewhat similar. This is why I said earlier that we decided to treat our sons like we would treat any other non-members…respectfully, interested, courteous, friendly, concerned, non-judgmental, etc.,…instead of as ”apostates.” 

Good video. My hope is that before I close down I can learn to see others as God sees them.

Things will surely work out thanks to the Atonement. Best wishes.

Edited January 20, 2023 by Bernard Gui