The challenge of young adults at home

[Calm]

9 minutes ago, MorningStar said:

I've been in therapy for a while now to deal with all sorts of teenager issues. 

I couldn’t remember. You probably should talk plans over with therapist first to ensure it works for you because you second guessing yourself or backing down would likely make things worse for you. Also make it something without a lot of moving parts, so to speak to avoid arguments over ‘I thought you meant this’ or ‘this teeny tiny detail here isn’t fair and so it invalidates everything else you are asking me to do’.

Simple and to the point. 

[Jeanne]

Quote

If I fall....let me fall...the person I will become will catch me.

Morningstar, two years ago this month...I had my son pick up my daughter as I told her she was no longer welcome in my home.  She was in her late thirties!  Difficult??  Very.  But I had done everything I could possibly do.  It got to where I could not believe her anymore.  I slept on a love seat in my living room getting up at 3 to work at Walmart while she had my bedroom upstairs.  It was fraught with lack of trust and belief and failed  promises. Bt guess what??  "You are no longer welcome in my home" turned her into a fighting adult full of compassion and love for others.

I could write a book, but no time for that now...she has a kidney disease and her brother and I support her home, utilities and her family of 2 cats.  She turned 41 yesterday and docs are still trying to do  a second biopsy to find out what to do next.  Our little threesome has never been closer as she has seen what unconditional love really is.  She can't work yet..or walk far...but it was so wonderful to have a Christmas card this year that said: Love, Andee.

The push to out her two years ago...turned out to be where she found her strengths,  her reasessment on her own life and goals was all she had left and she did it and feels better for doing it...instead of hiding...and lies..she found it is really easier to be who she is in an honest way.

Wishing you the strength for some tough love..but this love has endure in and out of the religion.

Love to you and all who have been through this.  I need prayers for Andee...I have my daughter back and don't want to lose her!

[MorningStar]

3 hours ago, Calm said:

He is probably sick of being home as well. 

Apparently not sick enough! 😠 What really ticks me off is he knows how upset and sick I have been the majority of the year. I have an autoimmune disease and stress is a huge trigger for me.  I begged him to do the right thing and I've been enjoying remission, but having to threaten him with homelessness is setting things off again. The thought that I might actually have to push him out into the cold and he doesn't have a car or anything. I'm trying to trust that he won't let it go that far. 

[MorningStar]

1 hour ago, Jeanne said:

Morningstar, two years ago this month...I had my son pick up my daughter as I told her she was no longer welcome in my home.  She was in her late thirties!  Difficult??  Very.  But I had done everything I could possibly do.  It got to where I could not believe her anymore.  I slept on a love seat in my living room getting up at 3 to work at Walmart while she had my bedroom upstairs.  It was fraught with lack of trust and belief and failed  promises. Bt guess what??  "You are no longer welcome in my home" turned her into a fighting adult full of compassion and love for others.

I could write a book, but no time for that now...she has a kidney disease and her brother and I support her home, utilities and her family of 2 cats.  She turned 41 yesterday and docs are still trying to do  a second biopsy to find out what to do next.  Our little threesome has never been closer as she has seen what unconditional love really is.  She can't work yet..or walk far...but it was so wonderful to have a Christmas card this year that said: Love, Andee.

The push to out her two years ago...turned out to be where she found her strengths,  her reasessment on her own life and goals was all she had left and she did it and feels better for doing it...instead of hiding...and lies..she found it is really easier to be who she is in an honest way.

Wishing you the strength for some tough love..but this love has endure in and out of the religion.

Love to you and all who have been through this.  I need prayers for Andee...I have my daughter back and don't want to lose her!

I'll pray for her. Thank you for sharing. Whether my son is in the church or not, his decision to sit around all day on his phone is intolerable. He paid for his own phone and for the plan a year in advance, so I don't feel like there's anything we can do about that except tell him to leave. It's enraging for my husband and I to work so hard and see him sitting around doing nothing 99% of the time. And both of my parents are basically dying and I'm trying to take care of them on top of our 5 children. I'm so burnt out. Months ago I cried myself to sleep when I realized I couldn't handle my piano student load anymore. We desperately need the money, but I was beyond exhausted and my flare-up was so bad, it hurt to drink water. I would cry in front of my family while trying to drink it and I worried I was dying and had something new. I was panicking thinking that maybe I had colon or liver cancer and that I had waited too long. No, just an extra bad flare-up. I was such a mess, I knew I would have no follow-through with our son and now that I've enjoyed months of being better, I am ready. Although I'm starting to get sick again and have no appetite half the day. 

I look forward to the day when he thanks us and apologizes. And when his kids pulls this crap, I will laugh at him.  

[Tacenda]

3 hours ago, Jeanne said:

Morningstar, two years ago this month...I had my son pick up my daughter as I told her she was no longer welcome in my home.  She was in her late thirties!  Difficult??  Very.  But I had done everything I could possibly do.  It got to where I could not believe her anymore.  I slept on a love seat in my living room getting up at 3 to work at Walmart while she had my bedroom upstairs.  It was fraught with lack of trust and belief and failed  promises. Bt guess what??  "You are no longer welcome in my home" turned her into a fighting adult full of compassion and love for others.

I could write a book, but no time for that now...she has a kidney disease and her brother and I support her home, utilities and her family of 2 cats.  She turned 41 yesterday and docs are still trying to do  a second biopsy to find out what to do next.  Our little threesome has never been closer as she has seen what unconditional love really is.  She can't work yet..or walk far...but it was so wonderful to have a Christmas card this year that said: Love, Andee.

The push to out her two years ago...turned out to be where she found her strengths,  her reasessment on her own life and goals was all she had left and she did it and feels better for doing it...instead of hiding...and lies..she found it is really easier to be who she is in an honest way.

Wishing you the strength for some tough love..but this love has endure in and out of the religion.

Love to you and all who have been through this.  I need prayers for Andee...I have my daughter back and don't want to lose her!

I'm sorry for what you've been through, so glad that things are better Jeanne, that is just no fair that she is suffering with an illness, one thing after another right?  Does she need a kidney? Hope she gets the help she needs medically, sounds like she's getting the rest from all of you! That is such a cute name, Andee, love it! 

 

[Tacenda]

1 hour ago, MorningStar said:

Apparently not sick enough! 😠 What really ticks me off is he knows how upset and sick I have been the majority of the year. I have an autoimmune disease and stress is a huge trigger for me.  I begged him to do the right thing and I've been enjoying remission, but having to threaten him with homelessness is setting things off again. The thought that I might actually have to push him out into the cold and he doesn't have a car or anything. I'm trying to trust that he won't let it go that far. 

MorningStar, are you being supported by your husband or others in your family/extended family?

I'm sorry I shared so much about my kids growing up, don't think it helped much. I see what a tough situation you're in. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. ETA: Just read your response to Jeanne, looks like you have such a hard situation if you're taking care of elderly parents, I know how that is. I wonder if there is any way for you to just leave with a friend or sister for a couple of nights, for your sanity and maybe so your son will see the error of his ways? But I do wonder if he's feeling worthless and guilty for causing so much trouble? And maybe he will wake up? You didn't mention his age. My son is 22 yrs. old, like I mentioned. And has no plans at all for his future, so I'm learning a lot by reading posts here. 

Edited January 10, 2020 by Tacenda

[Calm]

2 hours ago, MorningStar said:

Apparently not sick enough! 😠 What really ticks me off is he knows how upset and sick I have been the majority of the year. I have an autoimmune disease and stress is a huge trigger for me.  I begged him to do the right thing and I've been enjoying remission, but having to threaten him with homelessness is setting things off again. The thought that I might actually have to push him out into the cold and he doesn't have a car or anything. I'm trying to trust that he won't let it go that far. 

Fear of the unknown makes us accept way too many things we hate, both as parent and as child. I hope he can get past his fears when he realizes there are no options left. Too often when depressed, having a choice freezes you rather than helps you to feel liberated. Sometimes life is better in crisis mode just to get out of a rut. 
 

He needs to learn he can take care of himself, to trust himself. That can be a hard thing to do if he is thinking of himself as a failure because his life plan crashed. But staying at home without being responsible just digs that deeper. 
 

I may be in the middle of a depression cycle (hey, it’s January), but so glad I am not depressed and a teenager.  

[poptart]

On 1/8/2020 at 9:35 AM, The Nehor said:

I briefly moved back in with my parents for about a year when I was 25 when I took a year off of college to work a full time job (the job was better for my resume than the degree and I got the degree later) and I was out of town 3 weeks out of 4 traveling. I offered to pay rent but was refused. It turned out to be good because I am the oldest and I got to know my younger siblings still better in that time.

It was still weird and a bit of a relief to move out again once I finished the job and went back to school.

I am with the tough love crowd in your case though but definitely also with those who suggest you not make it about the younger children to them. They do not need the guilt that their brother getting kicked out was for their benefit. If something bad happens that guilt could be tragic. It would be akin to kids believing they are responsible for a divorce.

A few days living out of a car can be life changing. I have a cousin who was mooching off his brother. His brother’s wife packed the guys stuff one day, gave him a little money, and gave it to him when he came home one night and said good luck. It has a happy ending and he and his brother and his wife have a good relationship and he thanked her later for giving him the kick he needed in a loving, positive, but firm way.

Good luck.

I dunno, my father despised me and was a violent fiend, I turned out to be the poster boy of mental health and wellness.

[Jeanne]

15 hours ago, MorningStar said:

I'll pray for her. Thank you for sharing. Whether my son is in the church or not, his decision to sit around all day on his phone is intolerable. He paid for his own phone and for the plan a year in advance, so I don't feel like there's anything we can do about that except tell him to leave. It's enraging for my husband and I to work so hard and see him sitting around doing nothing 99% of the time. And both of my parents are basically dying and I'm trying to take care of them on top of our 5 children. I'm so burnt out. Months ago I cried myself to sleep when I realized I couldn't handle my piano student load anymore. We desperately need the money, but I was beyond exhausted and my flare-up was so bad, it hurt to drink water. I would cry in front of my family while trying to drink it and I worried I was dying and had something new. I was panicking thinking that maybe I had colon or liver cancer and that I had waited too long. No, just an extra bad flare-up. I was such a mess, I knew I would have no follow-through with our son and now that I've enjoyed months of being better, I am ready. Although I'm starting to get sick again and have no appetite half the day. 

I look forward to the day when he thanks us and apologizes. And when his kids pulls this crap, I will laugh at him.  

My prayers to you, too.  You have your hands full and going all directions. Follow you guts and instincts...you are a good mom who has a right to make choices for those in your home.  Keep us posted and I hope you get feeling better.  Kind of worried more about you than anything else you have mentioned..God Bless You!

[MorningStar]

46 minutes ago, Jeanne said:

My prayers to you, too.  You have your hands full and going all directions. Follow you guts and instincts...you are a good mom who has a right to make choices for those in your home.  Keep us posted and I hope you get feeling better.  Kind of worried more about you than anything else you have mentioned..God Bless You!

Thank you. ❤️ I'll be OK. 

[MorningStar]

14 hours ago, Tacenda said:

MorningStar, are you being supported by your husband or others in your family/extended family?

I'm sorry I shared so much about my kids growing up, don't think it helped much. I see what a tough situation you're in. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. ETA: Just read your response to Jeanne, looks like you have such a hard situation if you're taking care of elderly parents, I know how that is. I wonder if there is any way for you to just leave with a friend or sister for a couple of nights, for your sanity and maybe so your son will see the error of his ways? But I do wonder if he's feeling worthless and guilty for causing so much trouble? And maybe he will wake up? You didn't mention his age. My son is 22 yrs. old, like I mentioned. And has no plans at all for his future, so I'm learning a lot by reading posts here. 

I'm glad you shared about your kids. I wasn't able to heart your comment. My husband is on board, but I'm always the one who follows through and it's frustrating. He'll say, "Our son needs to do ____" and I feel like he's waiting for me to talk to him about it. So I say, "OK, when do you want to sit down and talk to him about it?" "Tonight after the kids go to bed, I guess." The kids go to bed and he doesn't initiate the conversation, of course. Our son knows it basically falls on me because apparently my husband is a softie. I'm continuing to do things and with our son while reminding him of when his move-out date is and offering to drive him to various businesses to hand in applications. Still teaching him to drive. Our younger son has his license, but not him. I'll feel relieved when he finally gets that so he has more job possibilities. Oh, and he's 20. He was one of the older seniors in school because he's a Sept. baby. He's basically a good kid. I think he's scared and that's fine, but suck it up son! I did! I did horrible jobs and between jobs I went 3 days without eating because I didn't want to mooch off of my parents. 

[poptart]

8 minutes ago, MorningStar said:

I'm glad you shared about your kids. I wasn't able to heart your comment. My husband is on board, but I'm always the one who follows through and it's frustrating. He'll say, "Our son needs to do ____" and I feel like he's waiting for me to talk to him about it. So I say, "OK, when do you want to sit down and talk to him about it?" "Tonight after the kids go to bed, I guess." The kids go to bed and he doesn't initiate the conversation, of course. Our son knows it basically falls on me because apparently my husband is a softie. I'm continuing to do things and with our son while reminding him of when his move-out date is and offering to drive him to various businesses to hand in applications. Still teaching him to drive. Our younger son has his license, but not him. I'll feel relieved when he finally gets that so he has more job possibilities. Oh, and he's 20. He was one of the older seniors in school because he's a Sept. baby. He's basically a good kid. I think he's scared and that's fine, but suck it up son! I did! I did horrible jobs and between jobs I went 3 days without eating because I didn't want to mooch off of my parents. 

How do you and your husband put up with that?  If I had pulled a fraction of the stuff your son does i'd have been thrown out well before it ever escalated that far.  From the sounds of it he's kinda disrespectful too, if I had done that i'd have been smacked across the face hard.

[Kenngo1969]

On 1/9/2020 at 3:11 PM, MorningStar said:

I've been in therapy for a while now to deal with all sorts of teenager issues. 

How come it never works when we try to make our kids crazy, but it always works when they try to make us crazy?