Why do so many singles go inactive?

[thatjimguy]

I can only speculate, but I would think that sex plays a key part of it. I can only imagine a handful of people could actually be unmarried and deal with the lack of it. They give in and then give up. Imagine being 24-27, not married and thinking about the possibility that this is how you are going to live the rest of your life, battling sexual urges to what would seem to be forever.

[rockpond]

1 hour ago, Mystery Meat said:

As someone who has spent the last 10 years in YSA wards and is set to graduate (by age) shortly, I think I can share a few things. I actually think singles wards are a double edged sword, and ultimately do more harm than good (at least for those who turn 31 without getting married). I cannot count how many friends I have had who turn 31 and go inactive. Not because they don't have testimonies or don't love the church. But you feel like a failure and going BACK to the family ward as single adult feels awkward at best. Worse, many take one step into the Single Adult wards (age 31+) and if you are a girl you realize their are four of you for every one of them, and as one of my female friends has lamented, unless you are in the top 30% as far as looks go, you pretty much are completely ignored by members of the opposite sex.

If I were running the show I would have YSA's attend family wards (except for near universities where it would be a logistical nightmare). This way there isn't a distinction between YSAs and everyone else. You would have to have a more robust activity arm specifically for the YSA's in a given area. I also think it would have the added benefit of making church less of a social club for that period of a person's life (and less likely that a single person's social needs are not being met). I could go on and on about this, but I see very few downsides and whole lot of upsides.

The YSA's who have chosen to attend my ward rather than the local singles wards have made great contributions.  We'd love to have more of them.  

[rockpond]

35 minutes ago, thatjimguy said:

I can only speculate, but I would think that sex plays a key part of it. I can only imagine a handful of people could actually be unmarried and deal with the lack of it. They give in and then give up. Imagine being 24-27, not married and thinking about the possibility that this is how you are going to live the rest of your life, battling sexual urges to what would seem to be forever.

Probably the same reason every gay person I've known has gone inactive. 

[stemelbow]

After thinking about this and after having read Mystery Meat (I too spent 10 years in YSAs and left at 31, which was the year I got married) I wanted to clarify.  In terms of activity, home teaching, working together, fun, service, camaraderie, love, and devotion, I don't think I've seen a family ward work quite as well as some of the single's wards I've attended and been a member of.  I think it'd be a shame to do away with them on those grounds alone. 

Single people in family wards is a cute notion and works for some, but I don't see how it works for the majority. 

[Ahab]

What we need are more mes. Or a man like me for every young woman.

They would still go inactive in their singles ward, though, and then become active in a family ward, but that would be okay then.

 

[The Nehor]

3 hours ago, stemelbow said:

After thinking about this and after having read Mystery Meat (I too spent 10 years in YSAs and left at 31, which was the year I got married) I wanted to clarify.  In terms of activity, home teaching, working together, fun, service, camaraderie, love, and devotion, I don't think I've seen a family ward work quite as well as some of the single's wards I've attended and been a member of.  I think it'd be a shame to do away with them on those grounds alone. 

Single people in family wards is a cute notion and works for some, but I don't see how it works for the majority. 

YSA wards are fine. It is the 31 and up group that I found depressing.

[The Nehor]

2 hours ago, Ahab said:

What we need are more mes. Or a man like me for every young woman.

They would still go inactive in their singles ward, though, and then become active in a family ward, but that would be okay then.

 

Why would you want everyone else to go less-active to avoid you?

[Ahab]

Hardy harr harrrrr.

[GingerRed]

Well this topic hits home.

I've been single all my life. After I joined the church at 21, I had a lot more opportunity to meet men,  I've dated a lot, sure. I've met some wonderful guys. Had some great experiences. Got close a few times to getting engaged. But either I ended the relationship or the guy did. But...that elusive eternal partner has been still out of my reach. Now I know part of the problem is, like someone mentioned here....is that I'm not in the " top 30%" in the looks department. I watched many of my much prettier friends get married. One thing I've noticed is the LDS men are far more picky'er then non members. I know, cause I've dated a few non member guys and I can see the difference. I have dated many different kinds of men....tall, short, thin, fat, bald, different ethnicities, guys with kids, without kids, divorced, widowed, never married, really handsome guys, not so handsome guys,  yadda, yadda yadda. But I have seen very few LDS guys be that open minded ..they all want only one kind of gal to date; Blonde,beautiful and big boobs. Guys over 35, seem even more choosy. Most of them are divorced, with kids. I was shocked in the past at how many times LDS guys get remarried....then re-single again. I've lost count how many couples I've seen meet at LDS singles activities for the 31+...get married... ( usually after dating less than 4-5 months, which is part of the problem I believe)...  then less than a year or two later...there they are...back at the singles dances again!  It's crazy!  This is why I think us Mormons are called 'peculiar people!' It's us ridiculous older singles! LOL. ( though I would call it pathetic, not peculiar!)  

Now because I'm a convert, I think I had the best of both worlds. I came from a background without any pressure to get married and have kids. I was encouraged to get an education. Which I did, I went to college and then went to Radiology Technician school. I've been in my profession for over 25 years now. I've always been very self-reliant and could take care of myself. I don't NEED to get married, but I would love to. I always thought Mormon guys wanted girls who were NOT needy,clingy, I-need-someone-to-take-care-of-me types. Had I had been a mother, I had always vowed to myself, if I had a daughter she would also be encouraged to get a career first before getting married and have a way to take care of herself, not sit around waiting for prince charming!  I would not teach her that her only worth is being a wife and mother...although of course they are important. Although nowadays I do see a change, and more and more young LDS women are going on missions and going to college than ever before. And delaying marriage. I don't see as many 19-year-old girls running off to get married so quickly. And this is a good thing. 

I don't know what the answer is. I go to a family ward. It's okay, I guess. Better than some I've been in. At least I'm not TOTALLY ignored. Although going to church and sitting alone year after year ,does get old. I have a calling as ward librarian . So I get to hide in the library a lot! HA!  I don't have to endure going to SS class or RS by myself with no one to talk to. And I have to admit, I got really good home teachers and visiting teachers. 

But I agree the Brethren do need to do something more to reach out to the singles. They've already are improving in that area a little through the years...more articles in the Ensign about single life, handbooks emphasizing lessons geared to everyone not just families...talks given by singles in Sacrament, etc. It's slow, but its coming around I think. Just gotta get everyone...Bishops, Stake Presidents , teachers, and such on the same page. 

 

RED

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Jeanne]

14 minutes ago, GingerRed said:

Well this topic hits home.

I've been single all my life. After I joined the church at 21, I had a lot more opportunity to meet men,  I've dated a lot, sure. I've met some wonderful guys. Had some great experiences. Got close a few times to getting engaged. But either I ended the relationship or the guy did. But...that elusive eternal partner has been still out of my reach. Now I know part of the problem is, like someone mentioned here....is that I'm not in the " top 30%" in the looks department. I watched many of my much prettier friends get married. One thing I've noticed is the LDS men are far more picky'er then non members. I know, cause I've dated a few non member guys and I can see the difference. I have dated many different kinds of men....tall, short, thin, fat, bald, different ethnicities, guys with kids, without kids, divorced, widowed, never married, really handsome guys, not so handsome guys,  yadda, yadda yadda. But I have seen very few LDS guys be that open minded ..they all want only one kind of gal to date; Blonde,beautiful and big boobs. Guys over 35, seem even more choosy. Most of them are divorced, with kids. I was shocked in the past at how many times LDS guys get remarried....then re-single again. I've lost count how many couples I've seen meet at LDS singles activities for the 31+...get married... ( usually after dating less than 4-5 months, which is part of the problem I believe)...  then less than a year or two later...there they are...back at the singles dances again!  It's crazy!  This is why I think us Mormons are called 'peculiar people!' It's us ridiculous older singles! LOL. ( though I would call it pathetic, not peculiar!)  

Now because I'm a convert, I think I had the best of both worlds. I came from a background without any pressure to get married and have kids. I was encouraged to get an education. Which I did, I went to college and then went to Radiology Technician school. I've been in my profession for over 25 years now. I've always been very self-reliant and could take care of myself. I don't NEED to get married, but I would love to. I always thought Mormon guys wanted girls who were NOT needy,clingy, I-need-someone-to-take-care-of-me types. Had I had been a mother, I had always vowed to myself, if I had a daughter she would also be encouraged to get a career first before getting married and have a way to take care of herself, not sit around waiting for prince charming!  I would not teach her that her only worth is being a wife and mother...although of course they are important. Although nowadays I do see a change, and more and more young LDS women are going on missions and going to college than ever before. And delaying marriage. I don't see as many 19-year-old girls running off to get married so quickly. And this is a good thing. 

I don't know what the answer is. I go to a family ward. It's okay, I guess. Better than some I've been in. At least I'm not TOTALLY ignored. Although going to church and sitting alone year after year ,does get old. I have a calling as ward librarian . So I get to hide in the library a lot! HA!  I don't have to endure going to SS class or RS by myself with no one to talk to. And I have to admit, I got really good home teachers and visiting teachers. 

But I agree the Brethren do need to do something more to reach out to the singles. They've already are improving in that area a little through the years...more articles in the Ensign about single life, handbooks emphasizing lessons geared to everyone not just families...talks given by singles in Sacrament, etc. It's slow, but its coming around I think. Just gotta get everyone...Bishops, Stake Presidents , teachers, and such on the same page. 

 

RED

 

 

 

 

 

 

Amen! 

[strappinglad]

I watched a somewhat controversial video about the growth of Muslim influence in Brussels, Belgium. Currently ,Muslims form a significant percentage of the cities population. Within a decade they will form over 25%. In the video , the journalist interviewed an outspoken advocate for the establishment of Sharia law in Belgium. He was quite certain it would come soon because of the ability and desire of Muslim women and men to marry and have many children . The FERTILE shall inherit the earth. The Muslim leader said that unless the European men started having 4 wives and lots of children ,the Muslims would take over. He didn't see Europeans stepping up . Now such views may be racist or narrowly held , but they are at least  logical . 

 I would be curious to know if Muslims are having the same difficulty holding their youth to the faith. I know one cannot generalize as there are several competing factions within Islam , but it seems that the general attitude about where women should fit in society is close to what European / American attitudes were a hundred years ago. 

As for the OP, I have little to add. The early day church eventually came up with nunneries and monasteries. Let's hope for other solutions. 

[Avatar4321]

4 hours ago, GingerRed said:

Well this topic hits home.

I've been single all my life. After I joined the church at 21, I had a lot more opportunity to meet men,  I've dated a lot, sure. I've met some wonderful guys. Had some great experiences. Got close a few times to getting engaged. But either I ended the relationship or the guy did. But...that elusive eternal partner has been still out of my reach. Now I know part of the problem is, like someone mentioned here....is that I'm not in the " top 30%" in the looks department. I watched many of my much prettier friends get married. One thing I've noticed is the LDS men are far more picky'er then non members. I know, cause I've dated a few non member guys and I can see the difference. I have dated many different kinds of men....tall, short, thin, fat, bald, different ethnicities, guys with kids, without kids, divorced, widowed, never married, really handsome guys, not so handsome guys,  yadda, yadda yadda. But I have seen very few LDS guys be that open minded ..they all want only one kind of gal to date; Blonde,beautiful and big boobs. Guys over 35, seem even more choosy. Most of them are divorced, with kids. I was shocked in the past at how many times LDS guys get remarried....then re-single again. I've lost count how many couples I've seen meet at LDS singles activities for the 31+...get married... ( usually after dating less than 4-5 months, which is part of the problem I believe)...  then less than a year or two later...there they are...back at the singles dances again!  It's crazy!  This is why I think us Mormons are called 'peculiar people!' It's us ridiculous older singles! LOL. ( though I would call it pathetic, not peculiar!)  

Now because I'm a convert, I think I had the best of both worlds. I came from a background without any pressure to get married and have kids. I was encouraged to get an education. Which I did, I went to college and then went to Radiology Technician school. I've been in my profession for over 25 years now. I've always been very self-reliant and could take care of myself. I don't NEED to get married, but I would love to. I always thought Mormon guys wanted girls who were NOT needy,clingy, I-need-someone-to-take-care-of-me types. Had I had been a mother, I had always vowed to myself, if I had a daughter she would also be encouraged to get a career first before getting married and have a way to take care of herself, not sit around waiting for prince charming!  I would not teach her that her only worth is being a wife and mother...although of course they are important. Although nowadays I do see a change, and more and more young LDS women are going on missions and going to college than ever before. And delaying marriage. I don't see as many 19-year-old girls running off to get married so quickly. And this is a good thing. 

I don't know what the answer is. I go to a family ward. It's okay, I guess. Better than some I've been in. At least I'm not TOTALLY ignored. Although going to church and sitting alone year after year ,does get old. I have a calling as ward librarian . So I get to hide in the library a lot! HA!  I don't have to endure going to SS class or RS by myself with no one to talk to. And I have to admit, I got really good home teachers and visiting teachers. 

But I agree the Brethren do need to do something more to reach out to the singles. They've already are improving in that area a little through the years...more articles in the Ensign about single life, handbooks emphasizing lessons geared to everyone not just families...talks given by singles in Sacrament, etc. It's slow, but its coming around I think. Just gotta get everyone...Bishops, Stake Presidents , teachers, and such on the same page. 

 

RED

 

 

 

 

 

 

Blonde, beautiful, and big boobs?

We aren't all that shallow. I've dated girls of all shapes and sizes. Finally tricked my wife into marrying me. Going red head was the best :-) 

[Antoni]

11 hours ago, rockpond said:

The YSA's who have chosen to attend my ward rather than the local singles wards have made great contributions.  We'd love to have more of them.  

Amen to that! We have several in our ward and one has commented to me how they prefer being in a family ward. There are YSA activities arranged on a Stake Level throughout the year for those that wish to go.

 

[TheSkepticChristian]

because they don't have a beautiful lds girlfriend. 

[Gray]

The taboo against interfaith marriage has to be a big reason. There are a lot of women who will end up single for life if they don't marry outside the church. But marrying outside the church is a huge taboo.

[Mystery Meat]

I really don't think there are good fixes, or if there are I don't know any. I kind of got really lucky with my current GF (while she is blonde, and very pretty, she does not have "big boobs"), but looking back at my previous dating tendencies, I don't think I was overly shallow. I do look around at some of the YSA men I know and I think there is a lot of pickiness; picky to the point of absurdity (I still maintain there is nothing wrong with a man being attracted to attractive women and not attracted to women who don't put in a lot of effort; by the way the same thing goes the other way around as well). 

I think there are a lot of cultural problems. I know a lot of LDS guys who stopped coming because they felt like they were constantly told how crappy they are (and we are) and even more who keep coming but now believe it is true, and are therefore too scared to ask out any of the LDS women in their wards because they feel perpetually unworthy (and if never having looked at porn is the standard for worthiness, no less than 90% fall short).  

On the other hand, and I say this as a big gamer, a lot of guys seem content to coast by life, doing nothing more than playing CoD or Fallout 4 or Destiny, etc (probably in part because they believe they suck, and we tell them they suck all the time, in part because they play video games).

Men can be very shallow it is true, but women can be very judgmental. I don't know how to solve it.

[rockpond]

46 minutes ago, Mystery Meat said:

I really don't think there are good fixes, or if there are I don't know any. I kind of got really lucky with my current GF (while she is blonde, and very pretty, she does not have "big boobs"), but looking back at my previous dating tendencies, I don't think I was overly shallow. I do look around at some of the YSA men I know and I think there is a lot of pickiness; picky to the point of absurdity (I still maintain there is nothing wrong with a man being attracted to attractive women and not attracted to women who don't put in a lot of effort; by the way the same thing goes the other way around as well). 

I think there are a lot of cultural problems. I know a lot of LDS guys who stopped coming because they felt like they were constantly told how crappy they are (and we are) and even more who keep coming but now believe it is true, and are therefore too scared to ask out any of the LDS women in their wards because they feel perpetually unworthy (and if never having looked at porn is the standard for worthiness, no less than 90% fall short).  

On the other hand, and I say this as a big gamer, a lot of guys seem content to coast by life, doing nothing more than playing CoD or Fallout 4 or Destiny, etc (probably in part because they believe they suck, and we tell them they suck all the time, in part because they play video games).

Men can be very shallow it is true, but women can be very judgmental. I don't know how to solve it.

Fascinating insight.

[Mystery Meat]

12 minutes ago, rockpond said:

Fascinating insight.

Rep point for that.

[rockpond]

2 minutes ago, Mystery Meat said:

Rep point for that.

Likewise.

[Avatar4321]

5 hours ago, Mystery Meat said:

I really don't think there are good fixes, or if there are I don't know any. I kind of got really lucky with my current GF (while she is blonde, and very pretty, she does not have "big boobs"), but looking back at my previous dating tendencies, I don't think I was overly shallow. I do look around at some of the YSA men I know and I think there is a lot of pickiness; picky to the point of absurdity (I still maintain there is nothing wrong with a man being attracted to attractive women and not attracted to women who don't put in a lot of effort; by the way the same thing goes the other way around as well). 

I think there are a lot of cultural problems. I know a lot of LDS guys who stopped coming because they felt like they were constantly told how crappy they are (and we are) and even more who keep coming but now believe it is true, and are therefore too scared to ask out any of the LDS women in their wards because they feel perpetually unworthy (and if never having looked at porn is the standard for worthiness, no less than 90% fall short).  

On the other hand, and I say this as a big gamer, a lot of guys seem content to coast by life, doing nothing more than playing CoD or Fallout 4 or Destiny, etc (probably in part because they believe they suck, and we tell them they suck all the time, in part because they play video games).

Men can be very shallow it is true, but women can be very judgmental. I don't know how to solve it.

good insight. I was going to ask a girl out once and then she stated there was no marriage material in the area. I was just like what am I? What are my awesome friends? Needless to say I didn't ask.

but I think if the guys stopped gaming all the time and manned up there would be more dates

[strappinglad]

If men don't have a good reason to " man up " , few will. 

[Avatar4321]

25 minutes ago, strappinglad said:

If men don't have a good reason to " man up " , few will. 

if being free and happy isn't enough of a reason what is?

[GingerRed]

22 hours ago, Gray said:

The taboo against interfaith marriage has to be a big reason. There are a lot of women who will end up single for life if they don't marry outside the church. But marrying outside the church is a huge taboo.

I wouldn't say that is that much of a big reason. It's not really a 'huge taboo'...its discouraged, yes, but not forced down your throat.   I have dated non members before. But the big thing about dating non members is trying to find one thats at least got some moral values same as yours!  Do you know how hard it is to find a non member guy who does't think having sex without marriage isn't the norm? And guess what happens when they find out I won't sleep with them unless we're married?...it's buh-BYE! Or finding a guy who doesn't drink, smoke or into drugs?  I'm not saying there isn't  LDS guys out there who do those things too ( knowing full well they shouldn't...thats worse than the non member guy who hasn't been brought up that way)  

Sure, there are many good decent moral men out there who aren't LDS...its just hard finding one!  And many of them don't want to date an LDS gal, cause they think our religious beliefs are too weird or different. So that narrows down the non member dating list as well. So marrying out side the church isn't as easy an option as you think!

Besides that....the religious differences can cause a lot of contention. I know a few LDS gals who married non LDS husbands who never joined the church and its WAY hard on them! They are still active and even if the spouse is okay with the activity level of their wives and is supportive, its still tough. I look at it this way....I'm ALREADY going to church alone, do callings alone, church activities alone, etc....why would I want a spouse I can't share all that with??  Not to mention not having him in the eternities with you! I guess if one WANTS  the "til death to you part" relationship, go for it.  Me, I want the whole package  

 

RED