I'm feeling lonely and i can't sleep

[Dario_M]

Hey how's everyone doing here. I couldn't sleep for several hours so i decided to go for a walk. It's super dark still. So now i'm sitting on a wet chair somewhere in the park. 

I'm not gonna lie. I feel so alone. I've never felt so alone in all my life. Since my parents decided to cut off al contact with me i've left broken. I can't injoy any day. My partner does his best to chear me up but with little succes. I dream every night about my parents. Question myself or i see them ever again in my life. I've also no friends. In the ward here the people are kinda keep their distance so it's hard for me to fit in. I know from nemesis that i may not talk about suice on the board. But slowly questioning myself hoe long i can ....keep up.

My eyes and ears are damaged because of the medicine they gave me in Portugal after i got released from the IC. I can't see anthing without a glasses anymore. And even then it's still not how it should be. I also don't hear so much anymore, headache, and i'm dizzy aften. In Portugal they forced me to get those nasty injections. They where antipshicotics. After that i could hardly speak for 2 weeks and it looked like i had suffer from a stroke. 

I'm not Portugal luckely anymore

The only person i have is my partner now. 

Edited September 7 by Dario_M

[3DOP]

9 minutes ago, Dario_M said:

Hey how's everyone doing here. I couldn't sleep for several hours so i decided to go for a walk. It's super dark still. So now i'm sitting on a wet chair somewhere in the park. 

I'm not gonna lie. I feel so alone. I've never felt so alone in all my life. Since my parents decided to cut off al contact with me i've left broken. I can't injoy any day. My partner does his best to chear me up but with little succes. I dream every night about my parents. Question myself or i see them ever again in my life. I've also no friends. In the ward here the people are kinda keep their distance so it's hard for me to fit in. I know from nemesis that i may not talk about suice on the board. But slowly questioning myself hoe long i can ....keep up.

My eyes and ears are damaged because of the medicine they gave me in Portugal after i got released from the IC. I can't see anthing without a glasses anymore. And even then it's still not how it should be. I also don't hear so much anymore, headache, and i'm dizzy aften. In Portugal they forced me to get those nasty injections. After that i could hardly speak for 2 weeks and it looked like i had a stroke. 

I'm not Portugal luckely

The only person i have is my partner now. 

Hi Dario.

Far away in miles, far away in religion, and ideologies, but I hope near you in spirit. I am sorry you are hurting. I wish you very well. All the best. I believe in prayer very much. So I pray for you. Pray that God would see you through this darkness Dario. The sun comes up in the morning, the most sure thing in our lives (it always has so far for all of us). It is only a symbol of a reality of our good Creator bringing light into our hearts, and mind every day. Every day. Every hour, every moment. Even in the darkness. May God bless you, Dario.  

[Dario_M]

Edit mistake

Edited September 7 by Dario_M

[Dario_M]

38 minutes ago, 3DOP said:

Hi Dario.

Far away in miles, far away in religion, and ideologies, but I hope near you in spirit. I am sorry you are hurting. I wish you very well. All the best. I believe in prayer very much. So I pray for you. Pray that God would see you through this darkness Dario. The sun comes up in the morning, the most sure thing in our lives (it always has so far for all of us). It is only a symbol of a reality of our good Creator bringing light into our hearts, and mind every day. Every day. Every hour, every moment. Even in the darkness. May God bless you, Dario.  

Thank you for your prayers. 🩵 And you're right it finaly gets light on here this morning.💫

Edited September 7 by Dario_M

[Dario_M]

It's getting a bit lighter now if i look at the sky. 

But yeah...i feel sorry for my partner that he needs to deal with this. 

Years ago bevore i went to Portugal and diceded that i wanted to end my relationship with him. He was completaly devestated. Cried a lot. He begged me to stay but i left him. And went straight to Portugal. When i went back i saw how much pain he had. I still feel super guilty about that. That i left him. Knowing how much pain he must have suffered from that. And how much he must've missed me in all the time i was away.

I'm not such a good human i realize.

Edited September 7 by Dario_M

[Okrahomer]

2 minutes ago, Dario_M said:

I'm not such a good human i realiz

I beg to differ, Brother Dario! I know from your posting style that you are a good human.  You are a child of God — He loves you, and we love you too.  

[Dario_M]

5 minutes ago, Okrahomer said:

I beg to differ, Brother Dario! I know from your posting style that you are a good human.  You are a child of God — He loves you, and we love you too.  

Thank you.🩵 for saying that. Makes me wanna cry a bit though. I love you guys too. 🫂

I'm happy that i've walked to this park. It's not dark anymore now. And it looks kinda beaufiful. 

Edited September 7 by Dario_M

[Pyreaux]

How are the ears? Can you still hear music well? Maybe find the right kind of sleep music?

I've also found a song about sleeping.

 

Edited September 7 by Pyreaux

[Dario_M]

39 minutes ago, Pyreaux said:

How are the ears? Can you still hear music well? Maybe find the right kind of sleep music?

Aaawh you're to kind. Yes i still can hear music. Thank you so much for the video i'm going to digg in those video's right now. 🩵

39 minutes ago, Pyreaux said:

I've also found a song about sleeping.

Nice. That's really nice. It's just horible if you can't sleep you know. Thank you so much. 

39 minutes ago, Pyreaux said:

 

 

Edited September 7 by Dario_M

[Tacenda]

Dario, many of us have those feelings often. And I think over and over that if people like us just hold on till the next day, often the days get better. Hope you find happiness in the days ahead, but everyone has the bad days, so you're definitely not alone. I'm glad you can reach out here. Even though we all aren't in person, we are real and care. 

[Dario_M]

8 minutes ago, Tacenda said:

Dario, many of us have those feelings often. And I think over and over that if people like us just hold on till the next day, often the days get better. Hope you find happiness in the days ahead, but everyone has the bad days, so you're definitely not alone. I'm glad you can reach out here. Even though we all aren't in person, we are real and care. 

Thank you so much dear Tacenda. I know that you are 1 of those people who really care. I really wanna be happy. I really to. It's just .....thinks are differend now after the whole sh*itshow you know. 

[Tacenda]

2 minutes ago, Dario_M said:

Thank you so much dear Tacenda. I know that you are 1 of those people who really care. I really wanna be happy. I really to. It's just .....thinks are differend now after the whole sh*itshow you know. 

Yes, I have been through some of those, haha. 

[Dario_M]

2 hours ago, Tacenda said:

Yes, I have been through some of those, haha. 

Poor you. Isn't life not just...tough...you find? to tough in my opinion. I don't know how long i can take all of this. I cry everyday when i wake up and wish that i have never been born. 

Edited September 7 by Dario_M

[Calm]

1 hour ago, Dario_M said:

Poor you. Isn't life not just...tough.l..you find? to tough in my opinion. I don't know how long i can taks all of this. I cry everyday when i wake up and wish that i have never been born. 

You mentioned, iirc, that you are waiting for an appointment with a mental health specialist?  Is my memory correct and if so, how long do you have to wait?

Do they have help lines you can call just to talk/connect to someone who is willing to listen?  I know sometimes it is easier to talk about feelings with those we don’t know because we aren’t worried it will burden them because they are aware they can’t do anything for us besides listen.

[Dario_M]

7 minutes ago, Calm said:

You mentioned, iirc, that you are waiting for an appointment with a mental health specialist?  Is my memory correct and if so, how long do you have to wait?

Beverwijk is a small town with not so good healtcare and everything is full on the moment. I'm on a waiting list.

Btw sorry for all the spell mistakes. I've eddit the mistakes out of my post

7 minutes ago, Calm said:

Do they have help lines you can call just to talk/connect to someone who is willing to listen?

I'm lucky that i have my bf. I talk with him a lot. It's not only all the mess between my parents that bothers me. It's also the things i have done to my bf (don't wanna get into all of that) and i know that i have hurt him in the past. I feel so guilty about that it just eats me up. I cry and cry and cry so much about it. Wishing that i had done things differently. I feel ASHAMED. And to be honest i'm .....i just can't take it on this moment. Today i feel the guilt. My partner always wanted to help me and all i did was trapping on him, on his soul. Everything that happend to me in Portugal all the bad things where a curse and a punisment. And in a way i deserved it. 

7 minutes ago, Calm said:

 I know sometimes it is easier to talk about feelings with those we don’t know because we aren’t worried it will burden them because they are aware they can’t do anything for us besides listen.

Do you have any idea what kind of number i can call then? 113 was only for the US right? But even if it's also for Europe and i can call that number too. How can i tell a stranger all my messy laundry??😞

[Dario_M]

I'm going to bed.

[Calm]

I can’t read these, hopefully they are the info you need:

https://findahelpline.com/countries/nl/topics/suicidal-thoughts
 

Have you talked to your partner about your guilt?  I know it is impossible to just dump it as our brains don’t work that way, but consider he probably would prefer that you were happier now and more able to share a good life with him in the here and now than allowing the past to haunt you.  Maybe if you could look at letting go of the guilt as a gift to him so you and he can heal?

But I get mistakes of the past eating you up and not being able to truly forgive yourself.   I have some big regrets. 

[Dario_M]

4 hours ago, Calm said:

I can’t read these, hopefully they are the info you need:

https://findahelpline.com/countries/nl/topics/suicidal-thoughts
 

Have you talked to your partner about your guilt?  I know it is impossible to just dump it as our brains don’t work that way, but consider he probably would prefer that you were happier now and more able to share a good life with him in the here and now than allowing the past to haunt you.  Maybe if you could look at letting go of the guilt as a gift to him so you and he can heal?

But I get mistakes of the past eating you up and not being able to truly forgive yourself.   I have some big regrets. 

Thank for the link? I think i'm going to use it. I saw that i can also chat with somebody. Chatting is easier then calling somebody. 

But yeah i also regret the things i did in the past. My partner has forgivin me. That's a blessing. Because if he didn't i would be completaly alone in the world. 

Edited September 8 by Dario_M

[Calm]

21 minutes ago, Dario_M said:

Chatting is easier then calling somebody. 

People who have autism often prefer writing to talking, they find it easier to find the words.

[Calm]

22 minutes ago, Dario_M said:

But yeah i also regret the things i did in the past. My partner has forgivin me. That's a blessing. Because if he didn't i would be completaly alone in the world. 

Then hopefully you can accept he knows you well enough to know you are worth forgiving and forgive yourself.

[Dario_M]

26 minutes ago, Calm said:

People who have autism often prefer writing to talking, they find it easier to find the words.

Yeah it's easier for me to write it down then to actually talking to somebody on the phone. 

[Calm]

4 hours ago, Dario_M said:

Yeah it's easier for me to write it down then to actually talking to somebody on the phone. 

I take notes on what I want to say and what I expect, so I will register when something isn’t done that needs to get done and then I take notes while talking.  I have a notebook for conversations I need to be productive and to remember that I keep the notes on the conversations in with who I call, why (main purpose), date and time…it’s divided by topic so it’s easy to find the call I want to check.

[Dario_M]

1 hour ago, Calm said:

I take notes on what I want to say and what I expect, so I will register when something isn’t done that needs to get done and then I take notes while talking.  I have a notebook for conversations I need to be productive and to remember that I keep the notes on the conversations in with who I call, why (main purpose), date and time…it’s divided by topic so it’s easy to find the call I want to check.

That's so practical of you Calm. 😌 Dutch people are also quite practical in their ways, a bit like you are. I think you would click perfect with Dutch people hahaha. 😋

But yeah... i'm going to click on your link and i'm going to try the chat function. 

Edited September 8 by Dario_M

[Tacenda]

On 9/7/2024 at 1:51 PM, Dario_M said:

Poor you. Isn't life just...tough...you find? to tough in my opinion. I don't know how long i can take all of this. I cry everyday when i wake up and wish that i have never been born. 

Have you ever watched "It's a Wonderful Life"? Go watch it, if you're able. It's an old black and white Christmas movie. You'll see if you watch how we all don't realize what we do for the world, until you see what would happen if you hadn't been born. I'm sure you're in the camp of goodness like the character in the movie. 

[Dario_M]

7 hours ago, Tacenda said:

Have you ever watched "It's a Wonderful Life"? Go watch it, if you're able. It's an old black and white Christmas movie. You'll see if you watch how we all don't realize what we do for the world, until you see what would happen if you hadn't been born. I'm sure you're in the camp of goodness like the character in the movie. 

Thank you Tacenda. That's nice of you to say. 🩵