More Devastation Predicted on the Wasatch Front Front

[Bernard Gui]

     Newsflash from the Associated Depress...dateline Hurricane, Utah.....

     Mormon gadfly and erstwhile activist S. Heber Young is back in the news with predictions of eminent calamities about to devastate the Wasatch Front. Young, known for his spirited confrontations with Evangelical anti-Mormon ministries and militant Mormon feminists, now claims to have received revelations that a tsunami will engulf the Salt Lake and Utah valleys, covering downtown Salt Lake City and the BYU campus.
     "I'm not saying it will be tomorrow," Young wrote in his blog Latter-day Augury and Prognostication, "or even the day after tomorrow, but I am saying the Big One is gonna happen soon. Sooner than the Brethren will let on. And they should know! Maybe next week, maybe next year, but certainly before the next Osmond Family reunion at Thanksgiving Point."
     Young was catapulted into notoriety when he published a book detailing his near-death experience after being crushed by a massive John Deere beet lifter while thinning sugar beats at the Hurricane Stake welfare farm. In his vision, Young was shown future events that must happen before the Great Apocalypse, including the defection of ten Mormon General Authorities to the Bennie Hinn Miracle Crusade Ministries, the introduction of five dollar beers at LaVell Edwards Stadium, and the construction of premium celebrity cabanas in the LDS Conference Center. His prediction that a Mormon Apostle would stump for Bernie Sanders in the recent Utah primary elections unfortunately did not come to pass.
     In his most recent prophecy, Young warns that a volcanic eruption of dormant volcano Molly's Nipple on Antelope Island in the Great Salt Lake will send mountainous tsunamis down the lake, sweeping away neighborhoods, schools, factories, Chick-fil-As, chapels, temples, and the City Creek Center mall. Breaking through into Utah Valley, the waves will inundate Lehi, American Fark, Pleasant Grove, Orem, and Provo, and may even reach Spanish Fark. "I see water covering the BYU carillon tower and sweeping away the Creamery. Total and complete devastation."
     "This will be the lead story on Fox News," said Young in a news conference held at his cousin Dilworth Ratte's feed store in West Valley. "It will be a warning to Utahns to stop the multi-level marketing schemes. When will they learn? It will take something Big and Wet like this to bring them to their senses!"
    "Yeah, the Big One will be an awe-inspiring cataclysm," exclaims Young, "but it will seem like a dip in the irrigation ditch when the Really Really Really Giant Humongous Gargantuan Big One hits. But I'm not saying anything about that one. Except that it won't happen until BYU wins another NCAA national basketball championship."
     Mormon spokesman Lloyd Scott issued the following statement: "S. Heber Young does not speak for the Church. We have no current plans to replace Dave Rose." But several Internet sources claim the Church is stockpiling sand bags and shovels in meeting houses throughout the valleys. Local water sports stores are reporting record sales of inflatable lifeboats and water wings.

Edited April 25, 2016 by Bernard Gui

[Calm]

I have missed Brother Young.

[Stargazer]

The article wasn't dated April 1st, was it?

As for a dormant volcano on Antelope Island... is there such a thing there?  I tried to find evidence of such online, but no luck.  The closest volcanic feature in Utah is Black Rock Desert about a 100 miles south of the Great Salt Lake.

Edited April 26, 2016 by Stargazer

[Bernard Gui]

22 minutes ago, Stargazer said:

The article wasn't dated April 1st, was it?

As for a dormant volcano on Antelope Island... is there such a thing there?  I tried to find evidence of such online, but no luck.  The closest volcanic feature in Utah is Black Rock Desert about a 100 miles south of the Great Salt Lake.

Might have been dated then. S. Heber Young is a fig newton of my imagination. He comes around once in a while when things get really out of hand. Some say he is my alter-ego, but I don't give him that much credit.

[Bernard Gui]

3 hours ago, Calm said:

I have missed Brother Young.

I will repent.

[The Nehor]

I like him better then Julie Rowe.

If we pray hard enough will God spare the Chik-Fil-A's? I need my chicken biscuit in the morning.

[CA Steve]

On 4/25/2016 at 1:57 AM, Bernard Gui said:

 

     Mormon spokesman Lloyd Scott issued the following statement: "S. Heber Young does not speak for the Church. We have no current plans to replace Dave Rose."

Great line!

[flameburns623]

On 4/25/2016 at 3:57 AM, Bernard Gui said:

     Newsflash from the Associated Depress...dateline Hurricane, Utah.....

     Mormon gadfly and erstwhile activist S. Heber Young is back in the news with predictions of eminent calamities about to devastate the Wasatch Front. Young, known for his spirited confrontations with Evangelical anti-Mormon ministries and militant Mormon feminists, now claims to have received revelations that a tsunami will engulf the Salt Lake and Utah valleys, covering downtown Salt Lake City and the BYU campus.
     "I'm not saying it will be tomorrow," Young wrote in his blog Latter-day Augury and Prognostication, "or even the day after tomorrow, but I am saying the Big One is gonna happen soon. Sooner than the Brethren will let on. And they should know! Maybe next week, maybe next year, but certainly before the next Osmond Family reunion at Thanksgiving Point."
     Young was catapulted into notoriety when he published a book detailing his near-death experience after being crushed by a massive John Deere beet lifter while thinning sugar beats at the Hurricane Stake welfare farm. In his vision, Young was shown future events that must happen before the Great Apocalypse, including the defection of ten Mormon General Authorities to the Bennie Hinn Miracle Crusade Ministries, the introduction of five dollar beers at LaVell Edwards Stadium, and the construction of premium celebrity cabanas in the LDS Conference Center. His prediction that a Mormon Apostle would stump for Bernie Sanders in the recent Utah primary elections unfortunately did not come to pass.
     In his most recent prophecy, Young warns that a volcanic eruption of dormant volcano Molly's Nipple on Antelope Island in the Great Salt Lake will send mountainous tsunamis down the lake, sweeping away neighborhoods, schools, factories, Chick-fil-As, chapels, temples, and the City Creek Center mall. Breaking through into Utah Valley, the waves will inundate Lehi, American Fark, Pleasant Grove, Orem, and Provo, and may even reach Spanish Fark. "I see water covering the BYU carillon tower and sweeping away the Creamery. Total and complete devastation."
     "This will be the lead story on Fox News," said Young in a news conference held at his cousin Dilworth Ratte's feed store in West Valley. "It will be a warning to Utahns to stop the multi-level marketing schemes. When will they learn? It will take something Big and Wet like this to bring them to their senses!"
    "Yeah, the Big One will be an awe-inspiring cataclysm," exclaims Young, "but it will seem like a dip in the irrigation ditch when the Really Really Really Giant Humongous Gargantuan Big One hits. But I'm not saying anything about that one. Except that it won't happen until BYU wins another NCAA national basketball championship."
     Mormon spokesman Lloyd Scott issued the following statement: "S. Heber Young does not speak for the Church. We have no current plans to replace Dave Rose." But several Internet sources claim the Church is stockpiling sand bags and shovels in meeting houses throughout the valleys. Local water sports stores are reporting record sales of inflatable lifeboats and water wings.

Oh good. 

Maybe I will be allowed to be part of my company's Rapid Response Team. I've had experience in Louisiana twice now, as well as in Joplin MO.

Not that it's any fun working in places where there have been natural disasters. 

[Stargazer]

16 hours ago, Bernard Gui said:

Might have been dated then. S. Heber Young is a fig newton of my imagination. He comes around once in a while when things get really out of hand. Some say he is my alter-ego, but I don't give him that much credit.

Ah ha!  I stand enlightened then!  I wish I had such a florid fig newton!

[Calm]

 

Edited April 27, 2016 by Calm

[Calm]

 

May be duplicates, my ipad will bomb if I check.

Edited April 27, 2016 by Calm

[Calm]

 

[Bernard Gui]

13 hours ago, The Nehor said:

I like him better then Julie Rowe.

If we pray hard enough will God spare the Chik-Fil-A's? I need my chicken biscuit in the morning.

He and Ms Rowe are fourth cousins six times removed. Next time I see S. Heber I'll ask him to check with his sources on the Chik-Fil-A's. Maybe we can strike some sort of deal.