Polygamy Is Not The Issue. The Devil Is In The Details

[Calm]

It makes no sense at all.

I have been in both positions where I believe I can feel God communicating to me, on occasion very clearly (a few times with words, though in one case it was just a very firm "No!") and where I felt no sensations I matched to the Spirit for 3 years due I believe to a medication I was taking (given that the lack started shortly after I started taking it and disappeared shortly after I stopped).  I believe I was able to substitute my own spiritual connection by learning to perceive others' behaviours that seemed to me to be promptings pushing me towards certains actions that then proved spiritually beneficial among other things.  I do believe one can lack ability to feel the Spirit through no fault of their own…certainly I was taking the drug because I wanted to protect my husband and children from what I thought was chronic depression for me (it was sleep deprivation…fast forward three years, Spirit is back and my disorder has skipped a couple of decades of slow development…sigh…so I get the questions why if God is loving does he allow us to be so screwed over by us trying to do what is right by him and others…what God would allow that for his faithful?).

 

My psychology/science training leads me to accept that this shut off/turn on again is evidence that the spiritual experience is just the brain doing what it will because of the chemicals that bathe it, but reasoning also tells me how else if the Lord going to communicated to a being that is very physical save through a physical mechanism…and thus false readings may be prompted by the trigger of the mechanism that the Spirit uses as part of communication…all speculation of course, but I see it as leaving enough room for  a choice and I choose faith because of the results of what happens when I've followed those promptings.

 

The most recent spiritual communication I believe I've had is nothign spectactular, it is just so out of the way I experience life I don't understand how I could have achieved that state without someone else drawing me to it.  It was after learning on Monday of my dad's condition from the doctor.  I had not been upset once I saw him unconcious rather than writhing in pain, moaning for help, just highly focused on ensuring he was cared for and so was Mom the way they wanted to be.  I had spent the previous day caring for Mom and attempting to clean up after the rather extravagant state his bedroom and bath were left in from his illness, working hard to disinfect and hopefully save his new and very comfortable purchases so he would have a bedroom to come home to as well as creating a safe space for Mom to stay in (as it was, Mom didn't get sick---hopefully will not---but a paramedic friend, myself and my sister have gotten such so whatever it was it is brutal).  I had slept only a few hours the night before and had spent about half my time on the phone or computer with friends and family ensuring they would be able to visit if they wanted to.  My body ached and muscles felt like they would snap.  However, as I walked out of the hospital and sat in my son's car and we drove up to Mom's, I got the most incredible sense of the muscles just settling into the right place, not quite relaxation, but something close…and let me tell you nothing gives me that feeling and hasn't for decades due to my movement disorder.  It wasn't the sense of peace I got at the time of learning through the Spirit of my daughter's diabetes, it was more of a sense of rightness.  The message to me was I had done what I needed to do, that the next step was for me to simply be a facilitator for others to make connections and since that time I have only been anxious for one small moment when I was unsure about a brother's reaction, that he might resist Dad's wishes and I thought I might have to fight for him…that moment of doubt was useless though.  I have never seen my family in such well oiled agreement…we never agree, we all have our own ideas and all are very committed to them and just love the debate so family reunions tend to be conflict oriented unfortunately (we are also all pretty sincere about trying to help others, we just think we know best ).

 

I am a worrier, I am a planner, I am someone who needs to replay over and over decisions and such and examine where I might have gone wrong and what I can do in this case.  I am also a perfectionist though I've worn that habit down.  I feel absolutely no need to do any of those things in regards to what is happening to Dad, I do what is asked of me and then step back and rest (since the typical Christmas gift of nasty bug has not only visited us once this last month, but three times….stress is there on the body, just not my heart).  Anyone who knows me knows this state of zen is impossible, not only because of how I think, but because my movement disorder mocks physical symptoms of anxiety and so there is always a sense of anxiety even on the best of days.

 

I was able to not only be there with Mom on his second day, on his next and last day, though I had spent the night before in the worst gastrointestinal state I had ever been and I don't know if there had been a gun at hand I wouldn't have used it  (I certainly understood why Dad was acting the way he was), I woke up in no pain, no muscles feeling wrenched from heaving, no punched gut feeling, just a mild sense of nice tiredness and when it came time I was able to join the family at the hospital for a meeting with the doctor who then informed us of what had gone wrong with his body and what options he had.  Next day it was if that day between had never happened, I could hardly breath due to the pain in my ribs, my head was throbbing etc.  There may be a GI bug out there that acts that way, one day on like hell, one day off just normal and one day back climbing out of hell, but I have never experienced one.

 

So I have no explanation for either my physical state or my emotional and mental one, I just know that his death is a natural part of his life and there is no need to mourn.  Perhaps it is all psychosomatic, it is certainly one answer.  However somehow I managed to get the same type of tender mercies when my daughter was diagnosed with diabetes and suddenly I switched from being a mom who knew it was my job to push my children to be all they could be because of the huge potential in both (they do have brains like me and much more talent than I do) to a mom who was willing to let them decide for themselves what was important without the least worry that perhaps it was laziness and selfishness that caused them to reject certain opportunities rather than just a wisdom about what was truly important in the long run.  And there are other moments that have opened doors in my mind and heart for me that I had no clue existed, giving me control over myself, understanding and a real joy in a life that is rather limited in others' eyes and yet seems quite boundless to me because of those about me are obviously infinite beings I am so going to enjoy being with in the eternities.

 

Anyway, this is a long way of explaining why to me it makes great sense…not perfect, it would certainly have been more sensible I thought for me not to get ill, but there are hints now that this may be of great benefit in the long run as well which is another big shock to me as I have long ago given up trying to get God to tell me why I am sick and not getting healed when I want the energy and abilities to help others as I demonstrated quite well before my disorder took over my life as well as needing that energy to continue to grow in my own faith experience by being able to go learn in the temple, attend among those who I gather strength from in faith, help my family become more the celestial version we desire than the not so celestial one we are now.

 

But it is a unique experience and I have no way of convincing someone who does not have their own such distinctive events that it does make sense any more than I have been very successful at teaching some of my students in the past the higher math that I could solve by just looking at the question without doing much of the work  because I could see where it went without having to travel all the way there (just up to a certain point, I am not one of those human computers…it was logic problems for one thing, not calculations).  When I taught the math, I had to relearn my way of thinking so I would take it step by step.  I don't know how to do that with the Spirit though as I believe it is God that does the skipping for me, not my own brain and he isn't telling me if I am being allowed to skip some steps others have to take, if I have some extra ones that ensure I know on occasion at least when I am encountering him or if every person's experience with the Spirit and the Father and Son will be unique because they are unique and full of so much complexity that no one path can work for more than one person.

 

I wish I had a more concrete answer for others.  It is very concrete for me, as concrete as solving math problems or talking to my neighbor…more so because the level of certainty is never so high with another mortal no matter who they are.  It is not a common experience, but one that happens enough I cannot ignore it.  I accept it may be all imagination, but I must react to it in the same way as when my husband expresses love and concern to me, with trust and love returned.  To do otherwise is to refuse to live as I believe I must, not because of the teachings of the Church but some inner core that may have come from my upbringing but if so, has long since surpassed it.

 

PS:  please, no need for anyone to express sympathy for my father's death.  I feel nothing but joy for him.  I do not understand this but it is this way.  I believe it is because I need all my energy to care for Mom and either God or Dad is telling me that is what they want from me now.  At times I feel like laughing because of the happiness that I believe he is being able to experience that had been taken from him due to health.  Perhaps in time if Mom or another family member begins to struggle with the loss and sorrow rather than a peaceful sadness comes for them, my own view may change, but so far Mom seems to feel the same acceptance that this is the path for him and not be troubled by it and others are quickly adjusting to the shock and looking forward to Monday as a way to send Dad off right. 

 

The Atonement is a great blessing to believe in.  It will be a wonderful moment when the world realizes it is the truth they have been searching for after all and that God has been patient in waiting for them to get to where they need to see it.  I am certain at that time I will be getting hit over the head with things they see as obvious that I've missed so I don't feel particularly special because I believe I have this knowledge.  It may even be I am one of the weak ones that could not survive significant doubt in fact and those who question and stuggle are the strong ones.  I've seen enough good people struggle to be sure that is the case for at least some of them.

Edited December 26, 2014 by calmoriah

[Teancum]

calmoriah

Thank you for sharing.

[Calm]

It is nice to have a place to process all of this.     I hope my certainty on at least this small bit of my life isn't totally annoying, but I would be less than honest if I didn't include it.

 

And of course that cynical part of me that has been with me as long as I remember (it tells the best jokes, btw, so there is no way I want to get rid of it) is reminding me I could be just really good at putting one over myself so maybe that saves me from being too terribly condescending/patronizing.

Edited December 26, 2014 by calmoriah

[VideoGameJunkie]

Cal, thank you for sharing your story. I always love your input on these boards.

[pogi]

It is nice to have a place to process all of this.  

 

That is a lot to process!  Cal, your dad was blessed to have you as a daughter, and I am really happy to hear that your family was able to come together in agreement and unity in his end of life care, that makes all the difference in the world!  Your mother is blessed to have such a wonderful caregiver and your daughter such a compassionate mother.  I know how impersonal internet boards can be, but I sincerely say that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family (you may not want my condolences, but please accept my prayers).  I hope you start feeling better soon and that things can slow down a bit for you to give you the physical and emotional space needed to process all of these major life changes.

Edited December 26, 2014 by pogi

[Calm]

I will take all the prayers I can get and then some.  

[thesometimesaint]

So we go along like robots. No emotions, always happy never knowing real joy when comparing it to sorrow. Don't know if I like that kind of heaven.

 

 

In our earthly lives there is nearly constant sorrow punctuated by moments of pure joy. In the next life it is near constant joy punctuated by moments of pure sorrow.

[pogi]

In our earthly lives there is nearly constant sorrow...

 

Que the Soggy Bottom Boys -

 

 

While I love the song, I personally am not a man of constant sorrow.  It is not our plight nor the desire of God for us to be in constant sorrow.  I personally cringe when I hear this in Sunday School, it seems to be a fairly popular thought among Mormons for reasons I do not fully understand.

Edited December 26, 2014 by pogi