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Temporary Communication Channel For Maxwell Institute Operatives


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To all field agents:

The main Maxwell Institute XP-666 transmitter, which conveys messages from HQ to the electronic receivers implanted at the base of your skulls, has broken down, and it is not clear when it will be up and running again. (Agent ws has been liquidated for this offense.) Our reptilian shape-shifting masters do not expect another cargo arrival from Home Planet Mongo for at least several more weeks. Hence, no new parts will be available, and repairs can only begin when the parts have arrived. Under the circumstances, and consistent with our general policy of whispering very loudly in public, we at HQ have chosen to open this confidential channel of communications with you, to keep you informed regarding the latest party line as dictated by The Sublime "Mitchell," Dark and Sinister Lord of the Mopologetic Order.

-Agent dcp

Directive M958-2011: That bane of Our existence, that indefatigable sleuth known to Us as DS -- he who has already revealed the existence of The Packer Faction and The Oaks Faction; blown the cover off of the clandestine meeting between Agent do and Agent sg in Redding, California; and publicly mocked the slashing of Our budget from $822 million per year (or something in that vicinity) to a paltry $5 million -- has discovered the unfortunate schism that is dividing the Maxwell Institute staff. The hit team that We dispatched to the loathsome final symposium of the Bushman/Givens seminar on Thursday -- a seminar that We cunningly co-sponsored and hosted in Our building, so as to conceal Our attempt to destroy it until the very last day -- not only failed to wear matching pinstripe suits, fedoras, and sunglasses, as they had been instructed to do, but apparently even declined to sit together with legs crossed, regulation style, toward the left. DS, Our nemesis, has correctly discerned from this that there is a rift between Agent jg and others of Our devotees.

Accordingly, let the decree go forth unto all of Our agents that they are to display friendship and affection toward Agent jg. At Our direction, Agent dcp sat himself very near to Agent jg at a 5 PM Maxwell Institute dinner on Thursday evening, immediately following the disastrous revelation of factionalism that had occurred only two hours previously. But, thus far, this has not discredited DS's dastardly truthful perception, which he has published to the world. (The audience was presumably not large enough.) So, for now and until this order is rescinded, pretend to like Agent jg. Speak to him in public. Appear to be polite to him. We cannot afford to have any more truths about Our organization become public like this. For details about how to execute this and other policy directives, go to Agent jww, kneel before him as is customary, and kiss his ring.

Hear and obey.

"Mitchell"

DSLMO

.

Edited by Daniel Peterson
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To all field agents:

The main Maxwell Institute XP-666 transmitter, which conveys messages from HQ to the electronic receivers implanted at the base of your skulls, has broken down, and it is not clear when it will be up and running again. (Agent ws has been liquidated for this offense.) Our reptilian shape-shifting masters do not expect another cargo arrival from Home Planet Mongo for at least several more weeks. Hence, no new parts will be available, and repairs can only begin when the parts have arrived. Under the circumstances, and consistent with our general policy of whispering very loudly in public, we at HQ have chosen to open this confidential channel of communications with you, to keep you informed regarding the latest party line as dictated by The Sublime "Mitchell," Dark and Sinister Lord of the Mopologetic Order.

-Agent dcp

Directive M958-2011: That bane of Our existence, that indefatigable sleuth known to Us as DS -- he who has already revealed the existence of The Packer Faction and The Oaks Faction; blown the cover off of the clandestine meeting between Agent do and Agent sg in Redding, California; and publicly mocked the slashing of Our budget from $822 million per year (or something in that vicinity) to a paltry $5 million -- has discovered the unfortunate schism that is dividing the Maxwell Institute staff. The hit team that We dispatched to the loathsome final symposium of the Bushman/Givens seminar on Thursday -- a seminar that We cunningly co-sponsored and hosted in Our building, so as to conceal Our attempt to destroy it until the very last day -- not only failed to wear matching pinstripe suits, fedoras, and sunglasses, as they had been instructed to do, but apparently even declined to sit together with legs crossed, regulation style, toward the left. DS, Our nemesis, has correctly discerned from this that there is a rift between Agent jg and others of Our devotees.

Accordingly, let the decree go forth unto all of Our agents that they are to display friendship and affection toward Agent jg. At Our direction, Agent dcp sat himself very near to Agent jg at a 5 PM Maxwell Institute dinner on Thursday evening, immediately following the disastrous revelation of factionalism that had occurred only two hours previously. But, thus far, this has not discredited DS's dastardly truthful perception, which he has published to the world. (The audience was presumably not large enough.) So, for now and until this order is rescinded, pretend to like Agent jg. Speak to him in public. Appear to be polite to him. We cannot afford to have any more truths about Our organization become public like this. For details about how to execute this and other policy directives, go to Agent jww, kneel before him as is customary, and kiss his ring.

Hear and obey.

"Mitchell"

DSLMO

.

I am experiencing Bourne like symptoms of headaches. Is this normal? I am concerned that my headaches may be from the breakdown of transmitters. Please confer about said problem. Perhaps other field agents are experiencing such head problems. I will follow friendship instructions closely and properly. I am waiting for more information about the transmitter problem. Also, please contact me by using the usual code found in the GAEL.

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To all field agents:

The main Maxwell Institute XP-666 transmitter, which conveys messages from HQ to the electronic receivers implanted at the base of your skulls, has broken down, and it is not clear when it will be up and running again. (Agent ws has been liquidated for this offense.) Our reptilian shape-shifting masters do not expect another cargo arrival from Home Planet Mongo for at least several more weeks. Hence, no new parts will be available, and repairs can only begin when the parts have arrived. Under the circumstances, and consistent with our general policy of whispering very loudly in public, we at HQ have chosen to open this confidential channel of communications with you, to keep you informed regarding the latest party line as dictated by The Sublime "Mitchell," Dark and Sinister Lord of the Mopologetic Order.

-Agent dcp

Directive M958-2011: That bane of Our existence, that indefatigable sleuth known to Us as DS -- he who has already revealed the existence of The Packer Faction and The Oaks Faction; blown the cover off of the clandestine meeting between Agent do and Agent sg in Redding, California; and publicly mocked the slashing of Our budget from $822 million per year (or something in that vicinity) to a paltry $5 million -- has discovered the unfortunate schism that is dividing the Maxwell Institute staff. The hit team that We dispatched to the loathsome final symposium of the Bushman/Givens seminar on Thursday -- a seminar that We cunningly co-sponsored and hosted in Our building, so as to conceal Our attempt to destroy it until the very last day -- not only failed to wear matching pinstripe suits, fedoras, and sunglasses, as they had been instructed to do, but apparently even declined to sit together with legs crossed, regulation style, toward the left. DS, Our nemesis, has correctly discerned from this that there is a rift between Agent jg and others of Our devotees.

Accordingly, let the decree go forth unto all of Our agents that they are to display friendship and affection toward Agent jg. At Our direction, Agent dcp sat himself very near to Agent jg at a 5 PM Maxwell Institute dinner on Thursday evening, immediately following the disastrous revelation of factionalism that had occurred only two hours previously. But, thus far, this has not discredited DS's dastardly truthful perception, which he has published to the world. (The audience was presumably not large enough.) So, for now and until this order is rescinded, pretend to like Agent jg. Speak to him in public. Appear to be polite to him. We cannot afford to have any more truths about Our organization become public like this. For details about how to execute this and other policy directives, go to Agent jww, kneel before him as is customary, and kiss his ring.

Hear and obey.

"Mitchell"

DSLMO

.

Hearing and Obedience, O Supreme High Enchilada (AKA "SHE who must be obeyed!")

Your fawning servant,

Supreme Oberfuher Burrito (AKA "SOB")

PS The dog is in the birdbath. Repeat: The dog is in the birdbath!

Edited by Bill Hamblin
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Hearing and Obedience, O Supreme High Enchilada (AKA "SHE who must be obeyed!")

Your fawning servant,

Supreme Oberfuher Burrito (AKA "SOB")

PS The dog is in the birdbath. Repeat: The dog is in the birdbath!

Are you Mitchell? If so, I received a message for you from agent X. Our leader wants you to continue logistical operations against the critics of the lds church by any means necessary but in a friendly and kind manner. Good luck.

PS: are you experiencing headaches?

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I know the Bilderburgers, the Carlyle Group, the Trilateral Commission, the Skull and Bones Society, and the Bush family are mixed up in all this somewhere, but I'll leave that for the Packer faction to deal with. I'm sure the SCMC has it all in hand.

By the way, I was the man on the grassy knoll...

Edited by Loran Blood
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I know the Bilderburgers, the Carlyle Group, the Trilateral Commission, the Skull and Bones Society, and the Bush family are mixed up in all this somewhere, but I'll leave that for the Packer faction to deal with. I'm sure the SCMC has it all in hand.

By the way, I was the man on the grassy knoll...

That would be the second gunman on the grassy knoll, yes? B:)

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Who is revealing our secrets to the opposition? We must ferret him (or her) out and deal with them according to The Protocols.

Heaven help us if The Protocols fall into the wrong hands. Are they safely hidden away in dp's office? They are cleverly disguised as the "Handbook of Instructions."

Edited by cdowis
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Who is revealing our secrets to the opposition? We must ferret him (or her) out and deal with them according to The Protocols.

Heaven help us if The Protocols fall into the wrong hands. Are they safely hidden away in dp's office? They are cleverly disguised as the "Handbook of Instructions."

Just as long as nobody finds out that you can decode them by reading every ninth letter....

Regards,

Pahoran

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To all field agents:

The main Maxwell Institute XP-666 transmitter, which conveys messages from HQ to the electronic receivers implanted at the base of your skulls, has broken down, and it is not clear when it will be up and running again. (Agent ws has been liquidated for this offense.) Our reptilian shape-shifting masters do not expect another cargo arrival from Home Planet Mongo for at least several more weeks. Hence, no new parts will be available, and repairs can only begin when the parts have arrived. Under the circumstances, and consistent with our general policy of whispering very loudly in public, we at HQ have chosen to open this confidential channel of communications with you, to keep you informed regarding the latest party line as dictated by The Sublime "Mitchell," Dark and Sinister Lord of the Mopologetic Order.

-Agent dcp

Directive M958-2011: That bane of Our existence, that indefatigable sleuth known to Us as DS -- he who has already revealed the existence of The Packer Faction and The Oaks Faction; blown the cover off of the clandestine meeting between Agent do and Agent sg in Redding, California; and publicly mocked the slashing of Our budget from $822 million per year (or something in that vicinity) to a paltry $5 million -- has discovered the unfortunate schism that is dividing the Maxwell Institute staff. The hit team that We dispatched to the loathsome final symposium of the Bushman/Givens seminar on Thursday -- a seminar that We cunningly co-sponsored and hosted in Our building, so as to conceal Our attempt to destroy it until the very last day -- not only failed to wear matching pinstripe suits, fedoras, and sunglasses, as they had been instructed to do, but apparently even declined to sit together with legs crossed, regulation style, toward the left. DS, Our nemesis, has correctly discerned from this that there is a rift between Agent jg and others of Our devotees.

Accordingly, let the decree go forth unto all of Our agents that they are to display friendship and affection toward Agent jg. At Our direction, Agent dcp sat himself very near to Agent jg at a 5 PM Maxwell Institute dinner on Thursday evening, immediately following the disastrous revelation of factionalism that had occurred only two hours previously. But, thus far, this has not discredited DS's dastardly truthful perception, which he has published to the world. (The audience was presumably not large enough.) So, for now and until this order is rescinded, pretend to like Agent jg. Speak to him in public. Appear to be polite to him. We cannot afford to have any more truths about Our organization become public like this. For details about how to execute this and other policy directives, go to Agent jww, kneel before him as is customary, and kiss his ring.

Hear and obey.

"Mitchell"

DSLMO

.

Sometimes things are comical because they, to some degree, reflect reality.

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Sometimes things are comical because they, to some degree, reflect reality.
Sometimes things are comical because they, to some degree, reflect reality.
Sometimes things are comical because they, to some degree, reflect reality.

While at other times, things become even more comical when it becomes apparent how deluded people have to be to suppose they might have even the most distant connection with reality in any possible universe.

Regards,

Pahoran

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Achtung, all Maxwell Institute field operatives!

It is my sad duty to inform you that there is someone out there pretending to be The Sublime "Mitchell," Dark and Sinister Lord of the Mopologetic Order, and sending out messages as if "Mitchell" were actually speaking. (Notice, though, how this cunning miscreant avoids directly claiming to be "Mitchell," DSLMO: "I appear to be the mysterious Mitchell," he says.) Here, transcribed below, is one of those messages, which has been intercepted here at headquarters.

Agent dcp

The discussion of the symposium on "The Cultural History of the Gold Plates" by the students of the Mormon Scholars Foundation, that took place on the BYU campus last Thursday, has reached absurd proportions, both on this list and on the links posted here. Since I was present for the entire symposium, I guess I have the responsibility to set the record straight. I appear to be the mysterious "Mitchell" who sat near Louis Midgley and Matthew Roper according to the report. That's the least of the inaccuracies in the report that apparently started all the discussion. It is true that we sat together much of the day, and that we are associated with the Maxwell Foundation. It is not true that we sat there finding fault with the speakers. The fact is that the day was filled with interesting and informative papers, including the one by Mike Reed. And the idea suggested that we were there trying to be disruptive is nonsense. After all, it was the Maxwell Institute that sponsored the event on the BYU campus and even provided the place for the seminar to meet in its office space during the Summer, as it did last year also. We were interested in the success of the symposium, and have reason to believe it was successful. I believe the critics were there hoping for drama, so they tried to report it that way. Very misleading.

The happening which has been described as "fireworks" was nothing of the kind. It stemmed from a perfectly elementary question from John Gee. To understand his question and concern it needs to be pointed out that at the beginning of Mike Reed's paper, as I understood him, he made known his reliance on finding examples of mention of ancient use of metal plates in Joseph Smith's day in some secondary sources, specifically the work of Metcalfe and of Dan Vogel "Indian Origins and the Book of Mormon." I assume John Gee would have gained the same impression. This led him to ask Reed if he had checked the accuracy of his quotes from "Indian Origins" since it appeared to be his understanding that that work is marred by unknowing use of some material from Hofmann's forgeries. I took his question as trying to be helpful to Reed, since if he were to publish the paper he would want to be sure there were no inaccuracies in his secondary sources. Unfortunately, Reed apparently could not hear the question, although that is odd because I had no trouble hearing it and I was far across the room from Gee. This caused Gee to repeat the question, more than once, raising his voice each time to be heard. I think the informant interpreted that as shouting at Gee, but that was not the intention I am sure. Reed never did answer Gee's plain question.

Matthew Roper also raised a question. Reed's paper leaves the impression (I think) that it was common knowledge in Joseph Smith's day that ancient people wrote on metal plates. Roper was cautioning about that generalization, because Mormon missionaries reported being challenged that ancient people did not write on such plates. (Indeed the Church has always heard that challenge, even today). Time prevented him from developing his question. I assumed he was trying to be helpful, since any publication of the paper ought to have that broader perspective.

Roper and Gee were reported to have left in shame or something of the sort. The fact is that they both had a formal dinner to attend, needed extra time to get through the campus crowded with Education Week patrons and congested parking, and go home to get their wives for the dinner at 5pm elsewhere in town. I am sure they would like to have stayed to hear the last papers, especially Rachel Gostenhofer's remarkable paper.

After the symposium I asked Mike Reed about his sources. The fact is he relied heavily on computer searching for his sources, not so much the secondary books he mentioned when he delivered the paper. He should make that clear in any publication of his paper.

My own concern as I have thought about Mike's paper since the symposium, is that in any publication it should have some more general background explanation. I fear it would be used by some, in the same old hackneyed way by those who like to claim that Joseph Smith got all his ideas from sources in the environment, and not ever by revelation. To me this is a phoney argument, and is made regardless of how remote and improbable it is that Joseph ever saw the sources. I don't believe Joseph Smith had access to Google--even Barney Google. They never show direct borrowings. Joseph could have thought about Gold Plates from Exodus 28:36 alone. What does that prove? From my perspective, the answer to similarities in the environment is "who cares." I tried to make this point a while back in the introductory essay I wrote for Vol. 16, No. 2 of the FARMS Review (an issue by the way to which Mike Reed contributed a perceptive book review). I put it this way:

"Many have thought they could judge Joseph Smith's work by comparing his revelations or teachings with ideas found in the environment, and when they find similar ideas, think that is the source of them rather than revelation. This is a mistaken assumption, for it is not necessarily so. It is interesting to find such correspondences, but even if everything had its counterpart somewhere in the environment, that still would not prevent God from revealing things to Joseph, calling him to a work, giving him authority and direction, and helping him discern what in the environment is sound and what is not. This simple truth seems to have escaped many anti-Mormon writers."

For the context see the complete essay:

http://maxwellinstitute.byu.edu/publications/review/?vol=16&num=1&id=521

Enough. Sorry for the long post.

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Obviously no one actually associated with the MI would be able to even appear to be that courteous.

And apologizing for the long post demonstrates the absolute nature of the forgery.

Edited by calmoriah
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Achtung, all Maxwell Institute field operatives!

It is my sad duty to inform you that there is someone out there pretending to be The Sublime "Mitchell," Dark and Sinister Lord of the Mopologetic Order, and sending out messages as if "Mitchell" were actually speaking. (Notice, though, how this cunning miscreant avoids directly claiming to be "Mitchell," DSLMO: "I appear to be the mysterious Mitchell," he says.) Here, transcribed below, is one of those messages, which has been intercepted here at headquarters.

Agent dcp

You realise, Dan, that Pseudo-Mitchell's account of events cannot possibly be right. If it were right, then that would mean that Hyrum Page, aka Kishkumen and Xander, aka Kevin Graham, who are the recognised World Authorities on All Things Mormon were wrong about something that happened at a meeting they did not attend.

Which, as I say, cannot possibly be right. As everyone knows, those two scholars are the very embodiment of academic impartiality and scholarly objectivity. They would simply never accept an unsupported second-hand account simply because it appealed to their partisan prejudices.

Would they?

Regards,

Pahoran

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You're absolutely correct. And, anyway, how could anyone on that side of the ideological fence possibly be wrong about the nuances and tone of an event from which he was many hundreds, even thousands, of miles distant, or mistaken in pronouncing "excellent" a paper that he hadn't read? Unthinkable. And hideously immoral even to suggest.

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