"you Never Know"

[MorningStar]

https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2014-00-008-you-never-know?lang=eng

 

I tried to post this the other day, but lost the entire thing because of technical issues.  After I tried to post the link, it wouldn't work and the box wouldn't close.  See if the link works above.

 

Anyway, many of you have probably seen the video the church put out called "You Never Know" and it was brought up in our Relief Society last week.  The teacher was very upset about the backlash against the video since the church made the video.  She asked for our thoughts and I said I appreciated the message they were trying to send, but the delivery could have been a lot better.  I was expecting the moral to be, "Don't overextend yourself."  But it wasn't.  She said women complained, "How dare you tell me I need to add more to my plate!"  I didn't feel like that was the message.  This sister also feels like many Mormon women feel put out when they're asked to serve, unlike women in other churches.  That has not been my experience.

 

Basically, the mother has a chaotic day and rearranges things and takes on new things, which causes her to miss meeting her cousin at the airport, which she had been looking forward to a lot.  She lined up a babysitter and everything.  It's not clear where the husband is in the picture, but she is wearing a ring, so perhaps a business trip.

 

The day starts with her telling her daughter she is NOT going to make her anything else for breakfast.  The next moment she caves and the little girl is smirking and eating her cereal.  Maybe I am too detail oriented, but my thoughts were that the mom caved when she didn't need to.  Also, the girl is old enough to pour her own cereal.

 

They have a prayer, asking that they will be able to get done everything that they need to.  They're already in a rush and the son reminds her that his science fair project is due that morning.  Rather than saying, "Sorry, son.  You can't spring this on me at the last minute.", she helps him throw it together.  And of course, he wins the science fair.  So it's good that she bailed her son out because he won the science fair?  It looked like they just needed to glue the things on the board, but still.  I wouldn't have chosen as a mother to jump because my child forgot to finish their project.  In our school the science fair is optional for most kids, so that's just another detail that bugs me. 

 

She gets the kids to school, goes home with her toddler, and a woman shows up at her door asking if she can watch her daughter because she needs to go to the doctor.  She hesitates and asks if she has asked anyone else, but ends up telling her she'll do it.  She needs to do some things at home anyway.

 

Then her sister calls and asks her if she'll meet her at the park for lunch because she wants to talk about some work issues.  So she brings the kids and her sister is talking about quitting, but she says, "If you don't do it, who will?"  Ah ha!  This seems to be this woman's entire philosophy and why she can't stay no.  If someone asks her to do something, obviously no one else will, which is silly.  It's good to serve as much as we can, but we need to have a balance and there are lots of people willing to serve.

 

She is also called and asked to bring dinner to a family that just had a baby.  She could have said, "I have plans tonight.  How about I bring it tomorrow?"  No, she adds one more thing as if she is the only person in their entire ward who can bring the family dinner.

 

She's so frazzled by the end of the day, she forgets to turn on the oven.  After the cooking time has passed, she realizes it didn't cook and ends up turning the oven on, bringing it to the family late, and misses the date with her cousin.  The better option would have been to drop it off uncooked and told them to pop it in the oven for 30 minutes!  Ugh!  So what we're supposed to see is a woman who is doing so much good for people and that she's doing the Lord's work, but some of us are thinking, "Why are you saying yes to everything?!" 

 

The babysitter comes and right after she walks out the door, she comes back in and is very upset because her cousin texted to say she was boarding her plane.  Maybe next time.  She looks completely defeated, her kids start acting up, and she snaps at them, starts to cry, and says for them to go to bed.  Her son says what about prayer and he says it.  He thanks Heavenly Father that they were able to do everything He needed them to do and thanks him for winning the science fair.  It then shows clips of how she helped the people in need that day, which is touching.

 

I'm thinking, "OK, but how about you show a clip of her cousin crying at the airport?  Do her needs not matter?"  You can't just meet relatives by the gate these days anymore.  Her cousin would have to leave the secure area to wait for her and then go back through security again to be groped by TSA!  That's no small sacrifice in my book.  What a hassle!  Those security lines can get insanely long! 

 

So the point was supposed to be that we never know just how much we help people.  "Sometimes, the most important things you do each day are never even on your “to-do” list. You might worry about the things you never get done, but President Gordon B. Hinckley reminds us, “You never know how much good you do.” OK, I love that message.  I would love a video that goes well with it.  One time I had to dump all of my plans to catch up with house work to help a friend who was penniless and needed a ride to take care of some very important things.  I was frustrated, but felt like it was more important to help her.

 

The woman doesn't say that she's going to the doctor to get the results of a very serious illness, but by the way she cries and leans on her husband for support, you know it must be cancer or something.  I felt happy that she chose to help her.  Unfortunately, the message comes across to a lot of people as, "Serve others even if it means sacrificing your own needs."  Also, it would have been a better example if she had been wanting to go to a regular girls' night and been disappointed about that.  I was yelling at the end, "She didn't get to see her cousin?!"  I have cousins I see maybe once every 5 years, so that would have been a huge deal to me. 

 

What do you think of the video?  I have had quite a few friends post it on FB because they love it and probably just as many comment on how it doesn't send the right message.

[saemo]

Well, everyone I know is over scheduled and over done. So we do what we can, some things we want don't get done. Stop stressing over what doesn't get done, is where I'm at. I think the message of, focus on what you do, do, is pretty good. Being there for your family, letting people know you care, that's all good. Don't beat yourself up over what doesn't get done is a healthy view on life.

[Robert F. Smith]

You may be missing the forest for the trees, Morning Star.

 

This is merely one well-crafted slice of modern life, and the mother could as well be a Methodist as a Mormon.  You point out the flaws, but our lives are filled with such flaws, and we really do often think that we are not really getting anything important done.  I frequently feel that the hurrier I go the behinder I get.  Major objectives seem to remain distant, despite herculean efforts, and the children can seem so bothersome that we forget how important they are -- and how observant.  Just like this woman, most parents are suckers for the whining of their children.  Unlike you, they cave instead of remaining resolute.  I frequently cave in similar ways, and so do many people I know, and their children grow up successful and well-behaved just the same.  As my wife says:  Children all grow up pretty much the same and all go through the same annoying phases.  She's right.

 

I was deeply impressed with this video and have recommended it to friends.  The point is that, when we think we are failures, and that daily routines are getting the better of us, we need to realize that we actually do a lot of good.  It's all about love, and patience.

[ERayR]

What I take away from this video was that of all the things she did that day it was the unplanned things that she did that had the most lasting value.  Those things she did because of promptings. 

[Bobbieaware]

https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2014-00-008-you-never-know?lang=eng

I tried to post this the other day, but lost the entire thing because of technical issues. After I tried to post the link, it wouldn't work and the box wouldn't close. See if the link works above.

Anyway, many of you have probably seen the video the church put out called "You Never Know" and it was brought up in our Relief Society last week. The teacher was very upset about the backlash against the video since the church made the video. She asked for our thoughts and I said I appreciated the message they were trying to send, but the delivery could have been a lot better. I was expecting the moral to be, "Don't overextend yourself." But it wasn't. She said women complained, "How dare you tell me I need to add more to my plate!" I didn't feel like that was the message. This sister also feels like many Mormon women feel put out when they're asked to serve, unlike women in other churches. That has not been my experience.

Basically, the mother has a chaotic day and rearranges things and takes on new things, which causes her to miss meeting her cousin at the airport, which she had been looking forward to a lot. She lined up a babysitter and everything. It's not clear where the husband is in the picture, but she is wearing a ring, so perhaps a business trip.

The day starts with her telling her daughter she is NOT going to make her anything else for breakfast. The next moment she caves and the little girl is smirking and eating her cereal. Maybe I am too detail oriented, but my thoughts were that the mom caved when she didn't need to. Also, the girl is old enough to pour her own cereal.

They have a prayer, asking that they will be able to get done everything that they need to. They're already in a rush and the son reminds her that his science fair project is due that morning. Rather than saying, "Sorry, son. You can't spring this on me at the last minute.", she helps him throw it together. And of course, he wins the science fair. So it's good that she bailed her son out because he won the science fair? It looked like they just needed to glue the things on the board, but still. I wouldn't have chosen as a mother to jump because my child forgot to finish their project. In our school the science fair is optional for most kids, so that's just another detail that bugs me.

She gets the kids to school, goes home with her toddler, and a woman shows up at her door asking if she can watch her daughter because she needs to go to the doctor. She hesitates and asks if she has asked anyone else, but ends up telling her she'll do it. She needs to do some things at home anyway.

Then her sister calls and asks her if she'll meet her at the park for lunch because she wants to talk about some work issues. So she brings the kids and her sister is talking about quitting, but she says, "If you don't do it, who will?" Ah ha! This seems to be this woman's entire philosophy and why she can't stay no. If someone asks her to do something, obviously no one else will, which is silly. It's good to serve as much as we can, but we need to have a balance and there are lots of people willing to serve.

She is also called and asked to bring dinner to a family that just had a baby. She could have said, "I have plans tonight. How about I bring it tomorrow?" No, she adds one more thing as if she is the only person in their entire ward who can bring the family dinner.

She's so frazzled by the end of the day, she forgets to turn on the oven. After the cooking time has passed, she realizes it didn't cook and ends up turning the oven on, bringing it to the family late, and misses the date with her cousin. The better option would have been to drop it off uncooked and told them to pop it in the oven for 30 minutes! Ugh! So what we're supposed to see is a woman who is doing so much good for people and that she's doing the Lord's work, but some of us are thinking, "Why are you saying yes to everything?!"

The babysitter comes and right after she walks out the door, she comes back in and is very upset because her cousin texted to say she was boarding her plane. Maybe next time. She looks completely defeated, her kids start acting up, and she snaps at them, starts to cry, and says for them to go to bed. Her son says what about prayer and he says it. He thanks Heavenly Father that they were able to do everything He needed them to do and thanks him for winning the science fair. It then shows clips of how she helped the people in need that day, which is touching.

I'm thinking, "OK, but how about you show a clip of her cousin crying at the airport? Do her needs not matter?" You can't just meet relatives by the gate these days anymore. Her cousin would have to leave the secure area to wait for her and then go back through security again to be groped by TSA! That's no small sacrifice in my book. What a hassle! Those security lines can get insanely long!

So the point was supposed to be that we never know just how much we help people. "Sometimes, the most important things you do each day are never even on your “to-do” list. You might worry about the things you never get done, but President Gordon B. Hinckley reminds us, “You never know how much good you do.” OK, I love that message. I would love a video that goes well with it. One time I had to dump all of my plans to catch up with house work to help a friend who was penniless and needed a ride to take care of some very important things. I was frustrated, but felt like it was more important to help her.

The woman doesn't say that she's going to the doctor to get the results of a very serious illness, but by the way she cries and leans on her husband for support, you know it must be cancer or something. I felt happy that she chose to help her. Unfortunately, the message comes across to a lot of people as, "Serve others even if it means sacrificing your own needs." Also, it would have been a better example if she had been wanting to go to a regular girls' night and b

een disappointed about that. I was yelling at the end, "She didn't get to see her cousin?!" I have cousins I see maybe once every 5 years, so that would have been a huge deal to me.

What do you think of the video? I have had quite a few friends post it on FB because they love it and probably just as many comment on how it doesn't send the right message.

The video deliberately depicts scenes of imperfect and frustrating family life (e.g. quarreling siblings while mom focuses on her media device, a smirking daughter who wins a battle of wills with mom, a procrastinating son who needs mom's help with a late homework assignment, a disappointed stood-up sister, etc) in order to show us that in spite of these less than perfect situations and outcomes, of the sort over which we frequently beat ourselves up, sincere believers often do much mores good than they realize they do. You missed the main point of the video, which is that in spite of the many troubling imperfections of everyday life we still do much good. Edited December 19, 2014 by Bobbieaware

[pogi]

Very well said Robert!

 

MorningStar, I laughed at some of the points you make because I totally agree that she was a total sucker!  Things could have been done much better.  The point however is that we are not perfect, we make mistakes, we cave, we clutter our lives with too much needless distractions etc., but the point is that she IS imperfect and that is OK!  Do not think that you are a failure because you are not perfect!  Take heart in knowing that our best is enough, and as imperfect as our best is, it will positively affect our families and associates.

[MorningStar]

I agree that her unplanned things had lasting value, but it didn't seem like she felt like a failure but was disappointed that choosing unplanned things resulted in her standing up her cousin.  It seemed like the message ended up being, "It's OK that she stood up her cousin because she did what was important."  Uhhhhh ....... seeing your cousin is important. 

[ERayR]

I agree that her unplanned things had lasting value, but it didn't seem like she felt like a failure but was disappointed that choosing unplanned things resulted in her standing up her cousin.  It seemed like the message ended up being, "It's OK that she stood up her cousin because she did what was important."  Uhhhhh ....... seeing your cousin is important. 

 

Sometimes we just have to choose between important things and with imperfect knowledge to base our choice on.

[pogi]

I have to say, hearing President Hinckley's voice at the end chocked me up...I miss that man terribly!  Listen to his words.  That is the message of this video.

[Calm]

It does bug me somewhat in that in some of the situations it feels like she is reacting on autopilot rather than really thinking about it, taking the path of least resistance almost as much as wanting to help others.  I didn't make it all the way through, got interrupted myself, lol.

 

Her spending all that time on taking her child's picture…what was that for, I am curious.  

[Calm]

I agree that her unplanned things had lasting value, but it didn't seem like she felt like a failure but was disappointed that choosing unplanned things resulted in her standing up her cousin.  It seemed like the message ended up being, "It's OK that she stood up her cousin because she did what was important."  Uhhhhh ....... seeing your cousin is important. 

My response at the dinner time was "why not order pizza for her family and the other one?"

 

And why isn't the babysitter there as she was about to leave the first time.  That seemed like a major plot hole to me that threw things off.

 

And sitting with the kids rather than going into her bedroom for a good cry and the kids being oblivious felt off to me which didn't help me feel sympathy for her.  As a kid if my mom was falling apart in front of me, I would have responded even probably at the age of the youngest given how I've seen most little kids pay attention to their moms if they are upset.  Given her involvement in their lives, that they didn't say anything or just go up to hug her seems very strange, made to make her look all alone and stuff…but her interaction with her kids would not have created that sort of situation, there is a payoff for being loving to others unless the other is a sociopath.  They respond when they see you need love as well.

 

We talk a lot about how opposition gets in our way when we are trying to accomplish good things.  If she had taken a bit more time to think things out rather than just reacting as it appears she was doing, maybe she would have been able to accomplish being with her cousin.  What if her cousin needed to make that contact with her that day?  What if that was a prompting as much as anything else?

 

In one way it was good to portray it that way because it shows we never know if we missed important stuff for what may not have been as important or if it was the reverse.  We don't even know that here though there is the implication that Lord wanted her to help like she did rather than go see her cousin.

 

But there was just enough stuff off in the way they told the story, including what appeared like to me her not really thinking about what she was doing but just being reactive including in talking to her sister instead of engaging, that just didn't do anything for me.  Good for her that she is very kind and trying hard and she should feel good about what she does.  Maybe though taking more thought and less sense of hopping from one thing to the next would help her feel even better about she was doing and allow her to do the stuff that rejuvenates herself as well.

 

Obviously I am treating it at a much deeper level than it is meant to be taken and that isn't necessary.  Like the Homefront commercials, it is supposed to be a few minutes to help people feel good about themselves and what they are doing, not a major movie production.  But some of us don't react to things that way and I am one of them and it looks like Morningstar is another one.  I don't think it means we are wrong, we just learn different lessons from these kinds of things…as along as we actually learn something positive, does it matter really why for something like this that hurts no one if we nitpick it?

Edited December 19, 2014 by calmoriah

[MorningStar]

Yes, I love Pres. Hinckley's message!  The video just didn't go with it for me.  I know a lot of women felt the same.  One woman commented in RS, "Is self-care not important?"  She felt the same - she spent the whole day doing things for other people and then didn't get to do the one thing she was looking forward to.

[MorningStar]

Why doesn't the quote button work for me anymore?!

[MorningStar]

Yes, Cal.  Pizza was a good solution or just bringing it over to them to bake. We had several people do that after our daughter was born just recently.

[ERayR]

Yes, I love Pres. Hinckley's message!  The video just didn't go with it for me.  I know a lot of women felt the same.  One woman commented in RS, "Is self-care not important?"  She felt the same - she spent the whole day doing things for other people and then didn't get to do the one thing she was looking forward to.

 

My lifetime as father of a large family.  For all these many years I have wanted a Harley motorcycle and still haven't got one and now it is too late.  However, looking back I can't find anything I would change that would allow me to have gotten my Harley.

[Calm]

Sometimes we just have to choose between important things and with imperfect knowledge to base our choice on.

Perhaps MS's problem is the same as my own and that it didn't feel like a choice, but just something she let happen without really thinking about it.

[Calm]

Why doesn't the quote button work for me anymore?!

Because you are condemning the Church.  

[Calm]

Yes, I love Pres. Hinckley's message!  The video just didn't go with it for me.  I know a lot of women felt the same.  One woman commented in RS, "Is self-care not important?"  She felt the same - she spent the whole day doing things for other people and then didn't get to do the one thing she was looking forward to.

Who was the picture of the kid for though?  That seemed like a fun project she just wanted to do for herself.

[Calm]

Yes, Cal.  Pizza was a good solution or just bringing it over to them to bake. We had several people do that after our daughter was born just recently.

I once brought over a bottle of good quality spaghetti sauce, french bread, one of those ready to eat salads and uncooked noodles and lots of napkins in a nice basket.  It was a matter of adding a few things to shopping and considering how I wasn't managing to cook my own family dinner at the time, it was what I could do.  I made sure it was okay when they asked me to provide dinner.  The leader said it sounded like a good compromise.  It was for a family that had to spend a lot of time at the hospital with their kid so it was more about not having time to shop than cook.

 

We have done pizza at other times, usually with an apology that it wasn't more personalized.  It has always been appreciated though and no one has said we were jerks for doing it.  They either got that we were juggling our own issues or were kind enough not to tell us we weren't doing it with the right spirit.  

[ERayR]

Perhaps MS's problem is the same as my own and that it didn't feel like a choice, but just something she let happen without really thinking about it.

 

Life is sometimes like that, spur of the moment decisions that we make through inspiration (hopefully we are in tune).

[saemo]

It does bug me somewhat in that in some of the situations it feels like she is reacting on autopilot rather than really thinking about it, taking the path of least resistance almost as much as wanting to help others.  I didn't make it all the way through, got interrupted myself, lol.

 

Her spending all that time on taking her child's picture…what was that for, I am curious.  

Looked like Facebooking to me. Looked like her FB social network was into posting kid pics because first thing she did when she woke up was look at family/friends pics on FB.

Edited December 19, 2014 by saemo

[Calm]

Life is sometimes like that, spur of the moment decisions that we make through inspiration (hopefully we are in tune).

 

 

I agree, but it looked like her entire day operated on a go with the flow, respond to what is in my face right now without figuring out how to make it work with other stuff and that bothers me because it looked like her habitual way of responding to life…which is not imo what living by the Spirit and following promptings means to me.

[Calm]

Looked like Facebooking to me. Looked like her FB social network was into posting kid pics because first thing she did when she woke up was look at family/friends pics on FB.

Thanks...

 

Those two things contributed to me feeling like she was rather thoughtless and acting on a 'what is yelling loudest' basis rather than thinking about implications of how she was doing things or being open to the Spirit.  I think it might have helped a lot if those were altered in some way…maybe she checked her face book while waiting for oatmeal to cook for example…and they showed her interacting with her own daughter but the other kid she was babysitting more or less disappeared as far as her paying attention to her.  I would have felt better if she was taking pictures of both of the little girls, I think, rather than focusing so much on her own I was wondering what happened to the other one….off drinking water out of the toilet perhaps.  

Edited December 19, 2014 by calmoriah

[MorningStar]

Eray, you don't regret not getting the Harley, but wouldn't you regret standing up a relative you rarely get to see and making them get groped by TSA an extra time for nothing?! 

 

Also, let's discuss our teacher's comment that Mormon women don't serve as willingly as women in other churches.  I have no idea what she's talking about or else she thinks women should say yes to all good things they're asked to do. Sometimes people ask just because they're asking, not because they felt inspired to ask you in particular.  Sometimes I ask people for help and then they give me some fantastic ideas as to who to call or who would know some great people to call. 

[ERayR]

I agree, but it looked like her entire day operated on a go with the flow, respond to what is in my face right now without figuring out how to make it work with other stuff and that bothers me because it looked like her habitual way of responding to life…which is not imo what living by the Spirit and following promptings means to me.

 

I hope the video was not meant to portray her entire life.   She had her to do list and was normally organized but this was just one of those days.