What Happened To Love?

[LOSTONE]

The emotion and word love has been so over used and redefined so much that actual love doesn’t seem to exist anymore. Is this result of the wonders of the modern world we live in or just the normal, natural progression of things?

 

As an adult in my early 40’s, separated from my wife of many years and with a fragmented relationship with my young child, I wonder about this. About love. If it is real anymore? What happened to real love, if such a wonderful thing ever was alive to begin with?

 

I grew up in a non-loving household and family. Make no mistakes about my childhood. Love was not there in any real sense. It was a time of hate, anger, war, abuse, and love was just another tool available to use to survive it all daily. Growing up, love wasn’t there nor ever real.

 

As I became an adult and meant the woman that I so gave my heart to, I knew I had questions about if she really love me or just using me as so many before her had? I knew this woman was in a position of survival that she was unable to do on her own nor had anyone to help her with. There I was. This young man wanting to be with her. Have a life with her. Felt so strongly in giving to her as us and not just me. She knew this. It was obvious and she wasn’t stupid. Did she love me back or seen an opportunity to survive by using me to be there for her? Used love? I put those concerning questions aside so I could continue what I always wanted. Love. To be love and to love another. To have love build a life and someday, a family.

 

Years went by and the same childhood life I had survived came to rebirth in the life I had with this woman. Well into our marriage, I was reliving and surviving my childhood all over again. It was horrible, but I knew I loved this woman and was willing to keep trying to make things better with her. Between us, for us. Eventually we had a child. The moment I though that would finally bring about love between us and create the family I wanted. That was not to be I discovered. Not much changed for the better. The same life continued and love seem not to ever be apart of it or apart of us. Eventually, this woman left with our child in hand. I later had her tell me that she left me because she no longer had a use for me. ( As if all I was originally was a tool for her needs. ) A new war began. Separation, child custody, divorce. A war I never saw coming came like an instant hurricane on a sunny day. That eventually got settled to a manageable degree and now, I have a young child who, at times, expresses pure angry and hate towards me as her mother also does at times. Love? Where? Where has love ever been?

 

Now I am here at this point in my life. Alone without my wife, child, family, love. I can’t help but ask if love is real? If it ever has been real? And if it has, what in the blood hell happen to it?

 

Will I love again? Yes, I will. Because I know me and my heart. Will I ever be loved? Really loved and not used? At this point in my life, after everything, I say with such sadness that the answer in no. No, I will never be loved by another. Used, hurt, abandoned, yes... That I sure will be. Loved? No. No I will not be that as I see no evidence that love is there or ever will be there.

 

Any some wonder why I am so withdrawn from life. Why I am uncomfortable being so open to people in person? Why I am so negative in thought about society and people so much, so often. I do my best to hold onto believes of love being alive and real. To stay positive, but there are so many moments in life where I feel the results of society and people that I can’t hold perfectly. I become hurt and bitter and share negative opinions about people an society. Some need not to wonder, but to understand. I am not the only one. Many are like me including those who twist and use love as a tool of opportunity. Many survive without love ever touching them. Sad survival indeed.

 

So, what happened to love? Was love ever real and alive to begin with? If so, what happen to it? Where is it to be found now in a world of today like this we live in?

 

Written by: Christopher **** ~ July 11th, 2014

 

( P.S ~ I do believe that this is a faith related subject, just one I am not versed in enough to follow up on. )

[rpn]

You probably should know that feeling bewildered about what love is, is really common among those with troubled childhoods.   That is because God set up families with moms and dads so that children could learn what God is like through their righteous actions. 

 

Your ex wife may well also be unsure about what love is because she also didn't have parents who could show her what love did and said and acted.  Demanding that she have known, or criticizing because she is also wounded isn't realistic or helpful.

 

And you now have a child who needs you to be what you should be so she can see what love is because of how you live your life and interact with her.   You do that by showing up to each scheduled visitation.   By showing kindness.  By being forgiving and patient with her mother.   By skyping or facetiming her each day to blow her kisses and read goodnight, if you cannot be there in person.   It is by providing her structure, and letting her explore.   You can break the cycle if you choose so that your daughter will at least know what love is by showing her what God looks and acts like because you act as much like Him as you can.

 

If you have never had cognitive behavioral therapy, and  you cannot afford to do i now, consider doing it online (they are trying to determine whether it is as effective online as it is in person).   https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

 

You have the power to change your world and your daughter's world.   And probably to serve others to.   It is in the serving and giving that most of us learn that love doesn't come from expectations for others.   It comes from accepting others where they are at, and simply being whatever our own resources will allow that is good and kind and patient and helpful, and friendly to them.

 

Tall order when we are hurting.   But it is always in losing our lives in service that we find them.

[thesometimesaint]

We learn two things from our parents. How to act as family, or how not to act as a family.

[Garden Girl]

 

And you now have a child who needs you to be what you should be so she can see what love is because of how you live your life and interact with her.   You do that by showing up to each scheduled visitation.   By showing kindness.  By being forgiving and patient with her mother.   By skyping or facetiming her each day to blow her kisses and read goodnight, if you cannot be there in person.   It is by providing her structure, and letting her explore.   You can break the cycle if you choose so that your daughter will at least know what love is by showing her what God looks and acts like because you act as much like Him as you can.

 

 

Hello Lostone...

You absolutely break my heart... I want to add my voice to rpn's and encourage you... the greatest gift you can ever give to your daughter would be for you to show her what a loving father, and man, you can be so that she will know what to look for when she is grown and in the world. 

There are so many women who are looking for a loving man to make a part of their life... to share the things you seek... do not give up.  I know you aren't LDS, but a lot of what I would normally say is within that range... like, be someone who lives the gospel... seek to draw closer to the Savior and develop a prayerful heart... attend a Church and enter into good, wholesome activities.  Develop interests and hobbies... take a class where you would meet people of similar interests... volunteer in organizations that interest you... i.e., library, animal shelter, soup kitchen... in other words enter into activities that open you up to meeting other people, particularly women who would share your values.  Believe me, countless women would give their eye teeth for a good man... one who they could love and who would love and be true to them.

Do not discount the divorced woman, or the one with children... and certainly don't overlook the woman who is not as physically attractive.  Look past the exterior into the individual...

I encourage you not to give up, because I know there are so many women who would appreciate you for who you are, not for what you can do for them.

Be of good heart...

 

from the beach... GG

 

edit to add:  chuckle... if I were 30 years younger, I might have a different suggestion   

[saemo]

You probably should know that feeling bewildered about what love is, is really common among those with troubled childhoods.   That is because God set up families with moms and dads so that children could learn what God is like through their righteous actions. 

 

Your ex wife may well also be unsure about what love is because she also didn't have parents who could show her what love did and said and acted.  Demanding that she have known, or criticizing because she is also wounded isn't realistic or helpful.

 

And you now have a child who needs you to be what you should be so she can see what love is because of how you live your life and interact with her.   You do that by showing up to each scheduled visitation.   By showing kindness.  By being forgiving and patient with her mother.   By skyping or facetiming her each day to blow her kisses and read goodnight, if you cannot be there in person.   It is by providing her structure, and letting her explore.   You can break the cycle if you choose so that your daughter will at least know what love is by showing her what God looks and acts like because you act as much like Him as you can.

 

If you have never had cognitive behavioral therapy, and  you cannot afford to do i now, consider doing it online (they are trying to determine whether it is as effective online as it is in person).   https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

 

You have the power to change your world and your daughter's world.   And probably to serve others to.   It is in the serving and giving that most of us learn that love doesn't come from expectations for others.   It comes from accepting others where they are at, and simply being whatever our own resources will allow that is good and kind and patient and helpful, and friendly to them.

 

Tall order when we are hurting.   But it is always in losing our lives in service that we find them.

Ahhh, the mythical Love. :-)

 

I once had a friend tell me I had made myself immune to love....it was their opinion that is why I was an atheist. I thought about that for a long time, and agreed and disagreed, both at the same time.

 

I'm no longer atheist, but along the way, someone said to me "God is Love". Which sounds wonderful, doesn't it? That perfect, mythical Love. Honestly, I think it is the only place it is found, is in God. As St. Paul says (paraphrasing), We don't know how to love as we aught.

 

That doesn't mean our imperfect love is a non-existent love. It is still love. 

 

1 Corinthians 13:4-7New International Version (NIV)

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 

So, be love yourself, especially to yourself and to your daughter. "Love thy neighbor, as thyself."  So, love your self, with patience, kindness, etc. (See above.) Love those that hurt you, including your family and ex. Doesn't mean you have to be friends, but loving them with all their faults and non-loving ways, is all you can do.

 

And last, those who have been abused attract abusers, so be prudent, but not cynical.

[Guest]

Hello Lostone...

You absolutely break my heart... I want to add my voice to rpn's and encourage you... the greatest gift you can ever give to your daughter would be for you to show her what a loving father, and man, you can be so that she will know what to look for when she is grown and in the world.

There are so many women who are looking for a loving man to make a part of their life... to share the things you seek... do not give up. I know you aren't LDS, but a lot of what I would normally say is within that range... like, be someone who lives the gospel... seek to draw closer to the Savior and develop a prayerful heart... attend a Church and enter into good, wholesome activities. Develop interests and hobbies... take a class where you would meet people of similar interests... volunteer in organizations that interest you... i.e., library, animal shelter, soup kitchen... in other words enter into activities that open you up to meeting other people, particularly women who would share your values. Believe me, countless women would give their eye teeth for a good man... one who they could love and who would love and be true to them.

Do not discount the divorced woman, or the one with children... and certainly don't overlook the woman who is not as physically attractive. Look past the exterior into the individual...

I encourage you not to give up, because I know there are so many women who would appreciate you for who you are, not for what you can do for them.

Be of good heart...

from the beach... GG

edit to add: chuckle... if I were 30 years younger, I might have a different suggestion

Using GG's post to echo her words. I am a Husband, Father and Papa, blessed and burden with the soul of a poet. So here it is...

There is only Love!

Your children need you, now and forever. I have held many titles in my life lived through highs and painful lows, other than Christ, it is love of family that has sustained me. You will never regret doing what is right for your children, Never! The other day, my 28 year,old daughter was upset about needing her parents help...I told her to look at me, and then told her that I would walk through Hell for her! When I speak of Love, I am not talking about how others love me but how I love.

Be of good cheer, do what is right and rejoice.

Edit to ad: It is not our responsibility to be loved...but to love.

Edited July 12, 2014 by Pa Pa

[ERayR]

The emotion and word love has been so over used and redefined so much that actual love doesn’t seem to exist anymore. Is this result of the wonders of the modern world we live in or just the normal, natural progression of things?

 

As an adult in my early 40’s, separated from my wife of many years and with a fragmented relationship with my young child, I wonder about this. About love. If it is real anymore? What happened to real love, if such a wonderful thing ever was alive to begin with?

 

 

It is there its just that we all learned to become self absorbed and taught that trait to our children.

Edited July 12, 2014 by ERayR

[LOSTONE]

Wow!!! I have read every reply to this post and I am so blown away at the different views I got. All are very insightful and thought provoking. If there is to be a lesson taught and a lesson learned, the replies I got here is to be that one. I am so rethinking my prospective of love and my role in the matter itself. Thank you everyone. These replies really got me stop in my tracks to think. Huge plus and positive. What I needed. God bless all and thanks again. ~ Lostone :D

[77623091143]

In the hearts of man ( and woman ) it was never there. Lust hidden under the mask of what man calls love. Man seems to be incapable of love. Man and woman both.

[altersteve]

In the hearts of man ( and woman ) it was never there. Lust hidden under the mask of what man calls love. Man seems to be incapable of love. Man and woman both.

Then why does Jesus tell us time and time again to love one another? Why would he tell us to do something we're incapable of doing?

[thesometimesaint]

Love is the easy part. Actually liking someone is much more difficult. A friend is the person who knows all about you, and likes you anyway.

[ERayR]

In the hearts of man ( and woman ) it was never there. Lust hidden under the mask of what man calls love. Man seems to be incapable of love. Man and woman both.

 

My but you have a pessimistic view.

[Kenngo1969]

In the hearts of man ( and woman ) it was never there. Lust hidden under the mask of what man calls love. Man seems to be incapable of love. Man and woman both.

Through Christ, almost anyone is capable of love.

[VideoGameJunkie]

I love my Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ, and my parents and brother. I have yet to find my spouse, but I know I will love her and our future children dearly.

[LOSTONE]

I am not sure if people are really capable of actual true love. I think society and time both have twisted the real meaning of love into so many different, incorrect definitions that people may not actually understand what actual love is and thus, unable to feel or give it. At least from all those I have experienced seem to be this way other than my child, but a child is more innocent and less tainted by the world. Anyways, I give up on love. I don’t think it is real in our society and people really are able to feel / give it when it ( love ) is so misunderstood. We live in a fallen world perhaps because true love can not longer survive or rise anymore.

[rpn]

I suspect if I'd been through what you have, I'd have a hard time knowing what love is too.   But I think we actually don't have to know what love is, to give love to others.  We simply have to live with he empathy, compassion, sympathy, forgiveness, and loving high expectations that our Savior does with us.    Then our lives will be rich whether or not we ever think we know love or not, no matter how often we are disappointed in what others do with or to us.

[katherine the great]

This is one of my favorite dialogues about love (from the 90's tv show ER.)  Mark's dad was a cold man and not the kind of "loving" father he wished for.  He complains to his best friend Doug (who had been severely neglected as a child)  This is the dialogue (slightly edited for profanity):

(Mark: You didn't miss much not having your dad around when you were growing up. Believe me. Doug: That's kind of a crappy thing to say, isn't it? Mark: It wasn't my idea to come down here. Doug: Don't stay. Mark: Don't worry, I won't. Doug: I'm confused. Your father's still alive, right? He's still with your mother? Mark: Oh, so that's your criteria for a good father? Longevity? Doug: Did he smack you around a lot? Used to smack your mom around? Mark: Oh, poor Doug. Doug: Wait. Poor Doug? Your father, did he come into your room in the middle of the night and throw up on your bed and pass out? Did he do that? Did he leave you in a hallway in Atlantic City while he $crewed some hat check girl, Mark? Did he do that? Did he do that, Mark?! Your father was there for you every night, you and your mother, and that's love. And whether it's the way you want it or not! It's love, Mark. You grew up in Ozzie and Harriet-land. Get your head out of your @$$! )   I'm not sure why, but those words have always stayed with me.  Maybe because it was the first time I'd ever seen a character connect love to action and not to emotion.  Doug saw the action's of Mark's father providing for Mark and his mother year after year as "love", even though he was not a warm, affectionate person.  In the sense of love being a verb, that IS love!  Although Doug's father was a charming and fun man who said, "I love you" frequently and probably felt love in his heart for his son, he didn't take care of him responsibly, and Doug sees that as a lack of love (which it is.)  I think love is a complicated concept and we use the single word to express too many different things.  We probably need separate words for separate types of love.  Many of us definitely need to improve in the "love as a verb" definition.  

[Yirgacheffe]

 

This is one of my favorite dialogues about love (from the 90's tv show ER.)  Mark's dad was a cold man and not the kind of "loving" father he wished for.  He complains to his best friend Doug (who had been severely neglected as a child)  This is the dialogue (slightly edited for profanity):

(Mark: You didn't miss much not having your dad around when you were growing up. Believe me. Doug: That's kind of a crappy thing to say, isn't it? Mark: It wasn't my idea to come down here. Doug: Don't stay. Mark: Don't worry, I won't. Doug: I'm confused. Your father's still alive, right? He's still with your mother? Mark: Oh, so that's your criteria for a good father? Longevity? Doug: Did he smack you around a lot? Used to smack your mom around? Mark: Oh, poor Doug. Doug: Wait. Poor Doug? Your father, did he come into your room in the middle of the night and throw up on your bed and pass out? Did he do that? Did he leave you in a hallway in Atlantic City while he $crewed some hat check girl, Mark? Did he do that? Did he do that, Mark?! Your father was there for you every night, you and your mother, and that's love. And whether it's the way you want it or not! It's love, Mark. You grew up in Ozzie and Harriet-land. Get your head out of your @$$! )   I'm not sure why, but those words have always stayed with me.  Maybe because it was the first time I'd ever seen a character connect love to action and not to emotion.  Doug saw the action's of Mark's father providing for Mark and his mother year after year as "love", even though he was not a warm, affectionate person.  In the sense of love being a verb, that IS love!  Although Doug's father was a charming and fun man who said, "I love you" frequently and probably felt love in his heart for his son, he didn't take care of him responsibly, and Doug sees that as a lack of love (which it is.)  I think love is a complicated concept and we use the single word to express too many different things.  We probably need separate words for separate types of love.  Many of us definitely need to improve in the "love as a verb" definition.  

 

Paraphrasing something my mom said once that made an impression on me, love is something you decide to make part of your character and then you do it.