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Need Help, Having A Mormon "Roast" Tonight


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We have some friends who are leaving our ward after having bee there a long time. Early 30's age and we are having a roast. I have printed off several pages of standard Roast jokes but need so good LDS one liners to mix in with it. Everyone will be LDS there.

So please ..... Help a brother from another mother out

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We have some friends who are leaving our ward after having bee there a long time. Early 30's age and we are having a roast. I have printed off several pages of standard Roast jokes but need so good LDS one liners to mix in with it. Everyone will be LDS there.

So please ..... Help a brother from another mother out

There is a book called "You know you're a Mormon when"...really funny stuff.

For example, "if every car you own is in the Church parking lot on Sunday, you might be a Mormon".

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errrr .... they moved me!!!! it was bound to happen.... so far very little help.... cmon guys and gals... come to my rescue

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Jeff Foxworthy did a whole spiel in "You might be a Mormom if" jokes... you may be able to find them online...

I glanced through ""Best Loved Humor of the LDS People" to see if I could find some short one-liners or jokes...

Here's a few you could adapt since they are fairly young...

When John and Jane were dating and John got nerve enough to finally ask Jane to marry him, he presented her with an engagement ring. Thrilled, Jane ran up to Amy and said, I'm engaged! showing Amy her ring. How nice, Amy said, I'm glad to see you're marrying a thrifty man.

Then there's the first time John wanted to ask Jane out on a date. He approached her, hands cupped and told her, "If you can guess what I have in my hands, I'll take you out tonight."

Jane replied, "An elephant!"

"Nope, but that's close enough... I'll pick you up at 7:30."

One night John and his companion were doing their home teaching. At one home they could hear activity inside but no one would answer the door even though they knocked repeatedly. Finally John took out a piece of paper and wrote, Revelation 3:20... "Behold I stand at the door and knock: If any man hear my voice and open the door, I will come to him." Then he put the paper in the door.

The next Sunday, the member returned the piece of paper to John... below John's message was written "Genesis 3:10, I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself."

We all know John as a likeable fellow... but when he was in college instead of being mentioned in Who's Who, he was listed in Who's He..

Jane was teaching primary one Sunday and she asked Bobby, a young sports enthusiast.. "Who defeated the Nephites?" Bobby thought a moment then answered, "I dunno, if they don't play the Forty-Niners, I don't keep track of them."

GG

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Try these:

http://findingcj.blogspot.com/2009/01/you-might-be-mormon-if.html

http://forum.woodenboat.com/showthread.php?59456-Jeff-Foxworthy-on-Mormons

http://www.jokes4us.com/religiousjokes/mormonjokes.html -some of these are kind of pejorative, but others are pretty good.

And my favorite one: "Mitt Romney is so Mormon, when he moves into the White House, he will call the Elders quorum"

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There is tuns of material online. here are some:

What kind of car did Lehi drive? A honda because they all went with one accord.

Bishop Murphy walks into a ward in Provo, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to the Celestial Kingdom?"

The man said, "I do bishop."

The Bishop said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the Bishop asked the second man, "Do you want to go to the Celestial Kingdom?"

"Certainly, bishop," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the Bishop.

Then Bishop Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to the Celestial Kingdom?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't sir."

The Bishop said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to the Celestial Kingdom?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

----

Last Sunday an old fellow had a heart attack and died during a high council meeting. The paramedics removed 6 limp bodies before they found him.

-----

A catholic priest, a Baptist minister and a mormon bishop were all bragging that their congregants thought they were god. To prove it, they each took their partners to visit members of their flock. They first visited a member of the catholic parish who answered the door and said ‘why, hello father’. The Baptist and the mormon mocked him when the old lady did not revere him as deity. Next they went to a member of the Baptist church who answered the door and said ‘why hello pastor’. The priest and bishop both laughed him to scorn and off they went to a mormon household. An unshaven topless man opened the door with a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other and exclaimed ‘OH MY G…..’

Q: How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?

A: If it's Relief Society, it takes four.

One to fix refreshments,

One to bring the tablecloth,

One to design the centerpiece,

And one to screw in the light bulb.

If it's the Bishopric, forget it,

They don’t do light bulbs.

They call a Priesthood Executive Council

And delegate it to the Elders.

If it's the Elders, it takes four.

Three that don’t show up, and

One to change the bulb.

If it's the High Priests, it takes four.

Two to push the wheel chairs,

One to handle the oxygen tank,

And one to screw in the light bulb.

If it's the Home Teachers, it only takes two,

But you have to wait until the end of the month.

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