Family Doesn't approve

[Wants2know]

Hello all, I have a situation I'm not really sure how to manage. I'll try to condense to the reader's digest version. Essentially this is the deal:

About 6 weeks ago, I had a serious medical issue - a stroke. It was very scary and one of those life altering things where you say to yourself, what do i want and what am I going to do about it? So, I've made plans to move my business closer to home to be more available to my family and decrease some of my stress. I also made a decision to be baptized, and set a date to be married in early summer. About a week ago, my sister asked if she could come visit, and of course I said yes. I did tell her that the missionaries would be here that evening for dinner as well, just to give her a heads up - and also asked her to keep some of her inciteful opinions to herself, but invited her to ask questions. Last night, she and I talked, and she told me how offended she was that I didn't include her in the decision for a wedding date (which after this conversation with her may be a very, very small ceremony!), and then she went on to tell me that she was concerned for me and my interest in this church as it was so "far different" from anything we grew up with. I've tried to explain what I love, what speaks to me.... but she basically insists that I'm brainwashed and the years I spent in a bad marriage which she didn't approve of are proof that I have poor judgement. The conversation grew into something very ugly, and really angered me. Essentially I told her that my religion was none of her business, and that what she should really be concerned about is whether or not I'm happy (which I truly am). She says she wants me to "explain" to her, but everytime I say something, it's countered by something she has learned on the internet "Do you know this.... do you really believe this...." ? I don't know what to do. I ended the conversation telling her I could not "do this" at the moment, and told her I loved her and never meant to offend her and we would continue this conversation at another time. Thoughts? I'm very upset about it......... W2K.

[Messenger]

W2K,

I would say simply make the decision based on the information you are getting from Heavenly Father. But I will also tell you that as a convert (I joined when I was 15, and am now 45) the family pretty much looks at me the same way since I joined. Their views haven

[Wants2know]

W2K,

I would say simply make the decision based on the information you are getting from Heavenly Father. But I will also tell you that as a convert (I joined when I was 15, and am now 45) the family pretty much looks at me the same way since I joined. Their views haven

[Messenger]

W2K,

Also just a passing thought ... When I was growing up I used the excuse, "The family is the most important thing" several times to exuse myself from church and be at the family bar-b-que. While the family is important, never let a non-member family pull you away from your church activities and responsibilities. While I honor my dad in many ways, I dont follow him, nor do I let him pull me away from my beliefs. Someday, there will be a time when he may start asking questions. And he knows I will be happy to answer them. Let you spiritual success and the peace in your life be an example to them.

[bluebell]

Well, congrats on your upcoming baptism. It's too bad that the news is causing issues with your family-that is never an easy thing.

I agree that there comes a time when we just have to live our own lives, regardless of what our family thinks, but that doesn't mean it's not hard and won't give us pause. Most of us grow up trusting our family's judgement so when they disagree with us, it can make us question our own decisions. Like Messenger said though, in times when things get confusing or painful, we have to lean on what our Heavenly Father has told us. If our faith in Him is our anchor, we'll always make be alright.

I would suggest being as kind as possible with your family, and as understanding as possible, while sticking with your decision. Sometimes i think people just want to their feelings to be acknowledged and understood before they can let something go (and sometimes people don't want to let something go regardless). It's hard to do that when something we love or truly believe in is under what we see as an attack, but letting your sister get everything off her chest now and listening to her, might help her to move on after she's had her say.

Plus, if we can manage not to give in to our anger (which is SO hard in those kinds of situations), the Spirit can be there with us to help us share our feelings and revelations concerning the gospel. That can never hurt.

You'll be in my prayers as you face this first hurdle for your new faith.

[urroner]

In some discussions I'm involved with that start to get a little heated, if I can stay a little cool, I remind that other person of the Golden Rule and ask that person if they wanted me to treat them that way they are treating me. Sometimes it's they who say that to me. Usually the answer is "no, I wouldn't like that."

I have an ex who use to question and challenge every decision I use to make. I had to remind her over and over again that yes we have children and that we should discuss them, but if she is simply going to challenge me on everything I do and yet refuse to listen to anything I have to say, that I wasn't going to discuss anything with her.

If I said something that she didn't agree with and I refused to back down from my position, than the discussion simply ended because "I refused to make the necessary changes to improve my life and better myself." Finally I said that I wasn't going to discuss our children with her simply because a discussion usually involved a minimum of two different people communicating with each other. I said that she could tell me what she thought I could do to improve, but I probably wouldn't respond to what she said because it would be fruitless.

We got divorced about 13 years ago and things have improved over the years. She has since realized that since I have ADHD, as our youngest son does, that I understand him a lot better than she probably ever will. She will now let me get my two bits into a discussion though she usually ignores most of it. At least she isn't telling me that I'm wrong even before I open my mouth.

When it comes to your sister, you need to ask her if she wants to be a part of your life or not and then lay out some rules. I really hate making ultimatums, but sometimes they have to be made. "Either you do X or else Y will happen."

Poor judgement or not, it's your life and you are willing to abide the consequences.

I've seen too many parents try to force their grown children to do certain things that the children don't want to do and the parents, when it came to the grandchildren, end up on the outside looking in.

I Cor. 13:4-5

4Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,

5Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;

Heb. 13:16

16But to do good and to communicate forget not: for with such sacrifices God is well pleased.

When one wants to communicate, one must be willing to make sacrifices. Does your sister want to communicate with you and if so, what sacrifices are she willing to make? What sacrifices are you willing to make for her?

A great conference talk where Elder Marvin J. Ashton, before he was the President of the Church, used this scripture in a talk that really affected me when I heard him give it. And yes, I am that old.

Family Communications

Some weeks ago a bewildered father asked,

[Messenger]

A great conference talk where Elder Marvin J. Ashton, before he was the President of the Church, used this scripture in a talk that really affected me when I heard him give it. And yes, I am that old.

I dont believe that Marvin J. Ashton was ever president of the church - FYI

[thesometimesaint]

Wants2know:

Congratulations of your upcoming baptism and marriage. May the Lord bless you in both.

Now down to the Nitty-gritty. Do what you know is right. Your sister may never come around to agreeing with your beliefs. But love her anyway, and communicate that love often. My own parents were opposed to me joining the Church and getting married. But time and Grandchildren helped mellow the situation.

[bluebell]

I dont believe that Marvin J. Ashton was ever president of the church - FYI

You're right, he wasn't. Maybe Urroner meant something else?

[BookofMormonLuvr]

"I appreciate your concern for me. I love you too. Did you see "Dancing with the Stars last night?"

Make something like that your standard answer when she brings up religion.

[urroner]

I dont believe that Marvin J. Ashton was ever president of the church - FYI

I was thinking of Howard W. Hunter. Severe brain infarction.

[emeliza]

I am sorry to hear about the stroke and the problems with your sister.

I know that my friends and family who had concerns about my joining the church came around when they saw that I was becoming a better person and that I knew what I was getting into or at least understood my religion. I hope that happens for you. Either way, I wasn't given too hard a time by the vast majority. Some still don't like my religion, but they don't tell me that, we just choose to not talk about it.

Congratulations on the upcoming wedding and baptism. Those are happy things and talk about double commitment.

[krose]

I have been on both sides of this situation, both as the person leaving the family religion, and as the parent of a son who 'converted' against my wishes (for a girl).

From my perspective, the most important thing is to try to avoid contentious confrontations if at all possible. That's really hard if you are the target of the confrontation, but if you can get past it without burning any bridges, that will be extremely valuable.

If your family is like mine, you will find that things will never really be the same again, even if relations are cordially maintained throughout. We're always just a bit on guard around each other, with a slight distance that was not there before, even after 30 years. Based on that, I won't say that things will ever get back to normal for your family, but I think they can get close to it.

It just takes time, and a commitment to staying connected as much as possible.

[bookofmormontruth]

Hello all, I have a situation I'm not really sure how to manage. I'll try to condense to the reader's digest version. Essentially this is the deal:

About 6 weeks ago, I had a serious medical issue - a stroke. It was very scary and one of those life altering things where you say to yourself, what do i want and what am I going to do about it? So, I've made plans to move my business closer to home to be more available to my family and decrease some of my stress. I also made a decision to be baptized, and set a date to be married in early summer. About a week ago, my sister asked if she could come visit, and of course I said yes. I did tell her that the missionaries would be here that evening for dinner as well, just to give her a heads up - and also asked her to keep some of her inciteful opinions to herself, but invited her to ask questions. Last night, she and I talked, and she told me how offended she was that I didn't include her in the decision for a wedding date (which after this conversation with her may be a very, very small ceremony!), and then she went on to tell me that she was concerned for me and my interest in this church as it was so "far different" from anything we grew up with. I've tried to explain what I love, what speaks to me.... but she basically insists that I'm brainwashed and the years I spent in a bad marriage which she didn't approve of are proof that I have poor judgement. The conversation grew into something very ugly, and really angered me. Essentially I told her that my religion was none of her business, and that what she should really be concerned about is whether or not I'm happy (which I truly am). She says she wants me to "explain" to her, but everytime I say something, it's countered by something she has learned on the internet "Do you know this.... do you really believe this...." ? I don't know what to do. I ended the conversation telling her I could not "do this" at the moment, and told her I loved her and never meant to offend her and we would continue this conversation at another time. Thoughts? I'm very upset about it......... W2K.

Thanks for sharing and congratulations on the upcoming baptism and wedding!

Bottom line is your happiness and health. In the least, your sister should understand this. She doesn't have to agree with all of your decisions, but she should be considerate that any unneeded stress and contention is not conducive to your health especially after a stroke.

[jadams_4242]

Hello all, I have a situation I'm not really sure how to manage. I'll try to condense to the reader's digest version. Essentially this is the deal:

About 6 weeks ago, I had a serious medical issue - a stroke. It was very scary and one of those life altering things where you say to yourself, what do i want and what am I going to do about it? So, I've made plans to move my business closer to home to be more available to my family and decrease some of my stress. I also made a decision to be baptized, and set a date to be married in early summer. About a week ago, my sister asked if she could come visit, and of course I said yes. I did tell her that the missionaries would be here that evening for dinner as well, just to give her a heads up - and also asked her to keep some of her inciteful opinions to herself, but invited her to ask questions. Last night, she and I talked, and she told me how offended she was that I didn't include her in the decision for a wedding date (which after this conversation with her may be a very, very small ceremony!), and then she went on to tell me that she was concerned for me and my interest in this church as it was so "far different" from anything we grew up with. I've tried to explain what I love, what speaks to me.... but she basically insists that I'm brainwashed and the years I spent in a bad marriage which she didn't approve of are proof that I have poor judgement. The conversation grew into something very ugly, and really angered me. Essentially I told her that my religion was none of her business, and that what she should really be concerned about is whether or not I'm happy (which I truly am). She says she wants me to "explain" to her, but everytime I say something, it's countered by something she has learned on the internet "Do you know this.... do you really believe this...." ? I don't know what to do. I ended the conversation telling her I could not "do this" at the moment, and told her I loved her and never meant to offend her and we would continue this conversation at another time. Thoughts? I'm very upset about it......... W2K.

The influence and comfort of the Holy ghost will help you in all things to do what is correct in family relationships,, and everything else, the more worthy you make yourself the more power you will receive to be able to know the right things yu must do and say to help the loved ones in your life.. it is true..and if what i just said is correct;; What else matters, u will be blessed beyond anything you have ever known; so will your family relationships. the advesary is doing all he can do to stress u now.. dont give in! keep with the lords gentle but sure admonitions...

[blueadept]

I pray that your health will continue to improve. Since I've known your spiritual journey for a while, I'm sure your family doesn't appreciate that this isn't a rash decision on your part. Unfortunately moving closer to family for business needs and converting in the same time frame, you may not get the family support you're hoping for and guarantee you're not likely to get in the near future which is very unfortunate for you. I know many LDS converts that are ready to explain their choices to their families who have been waiting decades to do so but have yet been given the chance. There was one friend of mine whose family was all very devout Catholic. It took 15 years before I could tell the family eventually were very accepting of her decision and realized she married a very good LDS man. I hope your family is more understanding than what I've witnessed. Time does heal in most cases.

I wish you the best.

Your geographical location of living in Maine is probably not a plus for you unless there is a LDS presence I'm not aware of. You're in my prayers for understanding with your family.

Edited March 31, 2011 by blueadept

[Deborah]

I was 14 when I was baptized and faced a lot of heat. But if you stick with what you believe eventually others will see the good fruits of your choice and even if they don't embrace it themselves (which my family did) they will eventually be more accepting, or just plan give up trying to convince you of your error.

[MorningStar]

Oh, that is so hard. My mom was also ridiculed by one of her sisters for joining the church and she just refused to discuss the subject after that. Years later she said her children would never spend the night at our house because we might try to convert them. *sigh* Many years later and now I am cracking up because she is a major Glenn Beck fan. What the heck?! She was asking me all sorts of advice about emergency preparedness and I showed her the church's site provident living. She was very receptive.

Go figure. Just live a good life and maybe your sister will see the positive changes in you and realize it was a good decision for you. Prayers for you and I hope your health will be much better. Was this a full stroke or a mini stroke? My aunt has lupus and one of her main symptoms has been strokes. Another friend has it and has suffered mini strokes. Take care of yourself and I hope your wedding will be as stress free as possible. Congratulations!

[rpn]

If I were your sister and knew you had just had a stroke and now you were making hasty plans to join a church and get married, I'd have some concern too. My suggestion is that you not get defensive. Tell her you are grateful that she cares, and ask her specifically to list everything in writing that she wants to be sure you know before you are baptized. Tell her you will agree to read her entire list that arrives in your email before [whatever number of days that you need before the baptism] if she will agree to read too books "Mormonism for Dummies" and "What Do Mormons Believe" by Rex E. Lee, so she can understand more about what you really believe as opposed to what slander and misunderstandings can be found online. And tell her that after you are baptized you expect her to respect your agency to make the choices that you believe are best for you, and to avoid criticizing your faith. Tell her you are going to work to be as Christlike as you can become, which you hope is her intended destination too. And then just live your life with as much compassion and glass half full and optimism and joy that you can.

Congratulations. What does your fiancee think about your sudden decisions?

[Garden Girl]

Hello W2K...

As you know, I'm so sorry for your stroke and pray you will be able to have medication and treatment to help prevent another.

You can't imagine how happy I am about your upcoming wedding and baptism. The only thing I don't agree with what rpn suggested above, is having your sister write down everything she wants to be sure you know before you are baptized. If she's getting her information from websites other than Church websites, you can be sure most of the information will be slanted, sensationalized, etc. If it were me, I'd express my appreciation for her concern, and then refer her to lds.org and other official LDS sites for accurate information about what we believe. I would not allow her to drag out all the inaccuracies and misrepresentations that she finds on the internet. That's not fair to you, and actually causes her unnecessary concern. You know the effort you have put in to studying and learning from the missionaries and others... and you know that you are content and happy. It may reach the point where you will have to tell your sister and other family members that until she/they really look at what we DO believe, you can't have a meaningful conversation.

Edit to Add: Good morning W2K... This has been on my mind. First, General Conference is this weekend. Is it televised in your area? Sometimes it is carried on public interest channels, and would be wonderful for them to see... or, if your area carries it, can you make a copy for your sister?

Also, I think one of the best things you could do is send her a copy of the Gospel Principles manual that we use in Rel Soc/Priesthood. Tell her that these are the principles and doctrines of the Church and ask that she read it, then you'll be happy to answer questions. Also, do you subscribe to the Ensign? If not, maybe you can get ahold of a few issues from friends that you can give to her.

All good wishes... GG

Edited April 1, 2011 by Garden Girl

[oats]

Pray to be able to show your love for her.

I have not been in your situation before but my impression is that any difficulty and work placed into the decision to be baptized and married may be dwarfed by the effort it takes to achieve a new sort of equilibrium in the relationship with your sister and family. Seems like you're the one who is more prepared to heal any rift so the burden to foster patience and love may fall heavier on your shoulders. I hope for you it turns out the best but if for some reason she can't come to terms with your decision, despite your patience and love, at least you have the benefit of having followed your conscience.

Congratulations on the decisions and best wishes for health.

[kev_stevens67]

I

[Wants2know]

RPN: This decision is really not sudden at all. I've been investigating the church for about 2 years now, and my sister has been well aware of this for about one year. My fiance is a member, and grew up in the church. He is very happy, or so he tells me, with his current involvement in the church, and feels good about it - we were joking today about how we've helped to "save" one another.

GG: As always.... good to hear your thoughts. I actually received an email from my sister yesterday with an apology. It seems that she thinks she can't come to the wedding, she doesn't understand that it's not a temple wedding. Which just proves she's getting her information from the wrong sources. She may be interested in some general conference talks, I think I'll watch first and see if I hear one that might suit her. I like the idea of the gospel principles manual for her.

[emeliza]

Oh, how lovely. I can understand if you sister was already upset over the idea of missing your wedding. I am glad either way that she apologized.