My Wife's Encounter with some Lovely Ex-Mormons

[Calm]

Honestly, I confess that the nursery is the one calling I aspire to. Maybe thats why I've never gotten it.

Volunteer for it.

[Deborah]

It kind of shocked me to hear that, as I hadn't really considered that. I knew some people look down on me, but I didn't realize that they would be so obvious in their disdain to my wife.

You're a baaad man, John W.

Seriously, I can't believe how crass people can be at times. But sometimes I wonder if people read more into others' comments than is intended. If they are truly showing their disdain they need to repent.

[Buckeye]

Volunteer for it.

That would entail "volunteering" to be released from my existing calling because the two would conflict. I won't do that.

[Deborah]

Honestly, I confess that the nursery is the one calling I aspire to. Maybe thats why I've never gotten it.

My favorite calling. Wish I was back!!

[Brenda]

I thrive on church. I sometimes even stay on for the meetings of the other ward that shares our building. Yes, we have our boring speakers, and monotonous teachers like all wards do. However, I can usually get something from each meeting. Above all, I need it. I can't do it alone!

I have learned that most of what I get depends more on me, than the speaker/teacher. Yes, we've all heard this a gazillion times, yet it's true. Do I come prepared as a class member? Do I read the material? I've even seen some people who don't enjoy the classes volunteer to teach, say in Primary where they always need help, to improve their church experience.

I've had some of the burdensome callings. They are a pain! Yet, someone's got to do it. Is it our job to do the Lord's work, or not? Is it something we can/should hire out? Being a mother and raising four kids was the biggest burden of all. Yet I wouldn't have handed that off to anyone else for anything. Where much is given, much is expected.

If our testimony is only built on obligation and going through the motions, then our kids will sense it. It will also likely affect them.

I'm trying to sympathize with the unhappy ones here, but I guess I just don't get it.

[Deborah]

So I am dealing with the following situation:

My wife believes the Church is true, but hates attending Church so much that she regularly tells me she "hates Sundays."

My wife would not attend Church except she feels compelled to because of her children.

As we talked, I had to muse out loud why anybody would go to Church when they hated it so much.

And so I thought I would muse out loud to you good folks on this board.

LOL! Been there done that. I used to dread Sundays, but loved going to the temple. My DIL would get up every Sunday morning grumpy and wishing it wasn't Sunday. I guess I'm in a good ward now, because truthfully the speakers and teachers are for the most part pretty good. SS is fun because the teacher is a crack-up. I used to keep going because of my children too. Being a single parent and getting 4 kidlets to church was not fun.

Perhaps it's a passing phase, and yes it can last for quite a while.

[jadams_4242]

Okay, I'm going to open up here with everybody.

Last night I had a long talk with my wife, who has been a Mormon since she was 14. She finds going to Church unbearable, and has long hated Sundays for that reason. She was inactive for a number of years, but in the past 6-months or so has resumed going to Church. (During the period she was inactive, I would take our young daughter with me to Church every week.)

I, too, find Church interminable, but nevertheless religiously attend the three-hour block out of a sense of duty, and only duty, as I haven't enjoyed going to Church for well over a decade now.

During our talk, my wife told me this experience:

Earlier that day, she had gone out to a bookstore and inadvertently locked the keys in the car. She called AAA, and while she was waiting for them to show, ran into an older couple that we know. A little background on this older couple--my wife has a dear friend who is very active in Church and has a family full of active and wonderful people. The older couple my wife ran into are the parents of my wife's friend, and they are wonderful people, too.

But a few years back, this older couple left the Mormon Church and have become active in an Evangelical Church.

They do not seem out to convert anybody, but rather were concerned that my wife might think poorly of them, as other Mormons have; and my wife assured them that she does not.

The older couple shared that when they were Mormons, they were miserable; they didn't like going to Church, and they felt so burdened because even though they were asked to do so much on behalf of the Mormon Church, they never felt good enough. Now they feel free and happy being away from the Mormon Church.

The older lady put both her hands on my wife's shoulders and pressed down. Then she lifted them suddenly and said, "You feel that difference? That's how I felt after I left the Mormon Church. A big weight was lifted! Just like that!"

Now they attend a local Evangelical Church and everybody is happy there, and they have friends and enjoy participating in the worship services.

My wife said she agreed with them; that she also hates going to the Mormon Church, where basically nobody seems happy to be there, and everybody seems to be laboring under a huge burden. And she knows for sure that she is not happy there.

(There is more to this story, but I think I will leave it there for now and see if there is any interest, because nothing kills a thread like an overly long OP.)

All the Best!

--Consiglieri

Well maybe it would be a good idea for u and yer wife to quit for awhile and go to another church, things would defintely be much easier. it will be then yu can be able to appreciate what the true spirit brings into our lives with many blessings, both temporal and spiritual. Sometimes we get in a "complacent" mode and forget the wonderfull truths, a change of scene might be just what yu need to compare.

[Daniel Peterson]

Jesus said in Mathew 11:28 ""Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest "

The true church removes burdens from people's shoulders and gives people rest.

And so it does. That has been my experience. Abundantly

But if you think that the meaning of "rest" in the true Church is sitting back, feeling satisfied with yourself and turning ecclesiastical matters over to a paid professional, I invite you to consider the long lives of satisfied leisure led by the early Christian disciples. Hanging upside down on a cross, I suppose, removes lots of burdens.

[Sargon]

Okay, I'm going to open up here with everybody.

Last night I had a long talk with my wife, who has been a Mormon since she was 14. She finds going to Church unbearable, and has long hated Sundays for that reason. She was inactive for a number of years, but in the past 6-months or so has resumed going to Church. (During the period she was inactive, I would take our young daughter with me to Church every week.)

I, too, find Church interminable, but nevertheless religiously attend the three-hour block out of a sense of duty, and only duty, as I haven't enjoyed going to Church for well over a decade now.

During our talk, my wife told me this experience:

Earlier that day, she had gone out to a bookstore and inadvertently locked the keys in the car. She called AAA, and while she was waiting for them to show, ran into an older couple that we know. A little background on this older couple--my wife has a dear friend who is very active in Church and has a family full of active and wonderful people. The older couple my wife ran into are the parents of my wife's friend, and they are wonderful people, too.

But a few years back, this older couple left the Mormon Church and have become active in an Evangelical Church.

They do not seem out to convert anybody, but rather were concerned that my wife might think poorly of them, as other Mormons have; and my wife assured them that she does not.

The older couple shared that when they were Mormons, they were miserable; they didn't like going to Church, and they felt so burdened because even though they were asked to do so much on behalf of the Mormon Church, they never felt good enough. Now they feel free and happy being away from the Mormon Church.

The older lady put both her hands on my wife's shoulders and pressed down. Then she lifted them suddenly and said, "You feel that difference? That's how I felt after I left the Mormon Church. A big weight was lifted! Just like that!"

Now they attend a local Evangelical Church and everybody is happy there, and they have friends and enjoy participating in the worship services.

My wife said she agreed with them; that she also hates going to the Mormon Church, where basically nobody seems happy to be there, and everybody seems to be laboring under a huge burden. And she knows for sure that she is not happy there.

(There is more to this story, but I think I will leave it there for now and see if there is any interest, because nothing kills a thread like an overly long OP.)

All the Best!

--Consiglieri

A little over a year ago Elder Holland visited my stake. We met in a sports arena at the local university. Elder Holland likened the Church to a boat, and I will never forget when he was yelling quite loudly, with lots of passion, "Don't you ever get off the boat! Stay in the boat!".

[Jeff K.]

If your wife is unhappy, and doesn't want to be happy, then maybe her kingdom lies elsewhere. Apparently its all about her.

[Bardman]

Consiglieri,

Hate is a strong word. However, in my experience, you are a person who chooses his words carefully.

If you both hate going to church, stop going. See what difference it makes in your life. If you are truly happy away from the church, then perhaps you don't belong there. There is only one way to find out. Perhaps you and your wife will discover that your testimonies are not what you thought they were. Perhaps the opposite will be true, and you will remember what it was you gained from your church attendance.

Your concerns for your children are admirable, but I believe you're putting the cart before the horse. It is up to you to determine the path your life will take, then pass on your knowledge and experience to those who come after. It is your right to run your life as you see fit, even at the risk of your children not understanding or accepting your choices. With time, they will come to understand that each of us does the best he can with the gifts he has. We make our choices based on our knowledge and experience, and the responsibility is ours alone.

Clearly something is wrong. I see three options available to you:

1) Do nothing. Continue as you are and hope that things become better on their own.

2) Change your outlook. Find a new sense of purpose in your church attendance.

3) Explore the possiblitiy that the church is not for you.

All my best, to you and yours.

[Daniel Peterson]

The Church is for everybody. It's true, whether we like it or not.

Moroni came to Joseph Smith even if sacrament meeting is boring, just as the law of gravity holds even if you don't think it's particularly cool.

[Brenda]

The Church is for everybody. It's true, whether we like it or not.

Moroni came to Joseph Smith even if sacrament meeting is boring, just as the law of gravity holds even if you don't think it's particularly cool.

Bravo.

[Calm]

That would entail "volunteering" to be released from my existing calling because the two would conflict. I won't do that.

Good man, but you still might want to mention that when your term in this calling is at an end (or mention this when you see signs that it may be coming to the end of your tenure), you'd love to a chance to serve in the nursery. If you don't, the chances are they will have another calling in mind already when they release you and you just may be a person they would never think to consider for the nursery.

[Calm]

Hanging upside down on a cross, I suppose, removes lots of burdens.

Okay, my visual on that one was quite interesting. I think I'll be chuckling all day off of it.

[mledbetter]

You watch this "Pa Pa" guy...I know him, bad seed.

That's why we get along. :-)

[mledbetter]

Honestly, I confess that the nursery is the one calling I aspire to. Maybe thats why I've never gotten it.

Whatever! That's the toughest calling in the ward, and if you are magnifying it, you still have to teach lessons. Teaching children that age is more about entertainment than education. Good luck!

[Calm]

If you both hate going to church, stop going. See what difference it makes in your life. If you are truly happy away from the church, then perhaps you don't belong there. There is only one way to find out.

I would add this one suggestion if this is the choice that someone makes and that is to set up prior to stopping a definite time period where you are not attending and then include a significant amount of time when you are attending again before making any final break, don't just rely on what you experience in the time off and think that comparing it to the past is sufficient. You need to be consciously observing what is going on in your life and you won't likely have the same insights/measures to compare to now prior to the break that you will after the break.

It is extremly easy to relax into the not attending lifestyle, there are many positive things you can fill your life with and if life at Church has been high on the negative side of things prior to the break, it is also extremely easy to discount the more hidden (to you at this time) positive aspects. In my experience, coming back to Church after a prolonged absence with fresh eyes helps me appreciate the little things more and in the long term I've actually found that the little things are what have made the Church most meaningful in my life and from what I've seen where I've been able to contribute to others and that includes doing little things myself for others that I wouldn't have thought of in the past.

[Brenda]

I wouldn't dare to stop attending church. I don't trust my own weaknesses. I'd too easily convince myself that I am fine w/o it. Satan would see his opportunity, and take it.

We don't attend church to be entertained. Elder Oaks said recently, that if we enjoyed a talk in church, then we didn't understand it.

[SilverKnight]

Consig-

I too have a testimony of the church I hate attending.

I find the 3-hour block, combined with my mandatory-attendance calling, simply excruciating. I loathe nearly every boring, tedious, awful minute spent there. I leave church physically and mentally exhausted after forcibly extracting myself from my peaceful relaxing weekend and sitting through such torture. I bitterly ruminate over the loss of half my weekend, half of all weekends, for the rest of my life.

So why do I endure this torment? Because once in awhile, perhaps 1% of the time, the rays of eternity break through the tedium and blast my stone heart with something I really can't describe, and I must marvel at this exhilarating, breathtaking cosmology that resonates with believability: a marvelously elegant and beautiful doctrine of eternal families and the most glorious destiny for humanity - for my family, my wife, and my little ones sitting bored next to me on the right, 2nd from rear, chapel pew.

-------

My advice: Suggest your wife 'take a break' from church. Then attend sacrament meeting (and sac meeting only) with your wife wife when she feels like it, perhaps on a testimony sunday or primary program sunday. If she has a recommend and is comfortable with the temple, skip church on sunday (or a few sundays) to do something leisurely, then go to the temple during the week. Perhaps the peaceful illumination and divine proximity of the temple may help.

[Bardman]

I would add this one suggestion if this is the choice that someone makes and that is to set up prior to stopping a definite time period where you are not attending and then include a significant amount of time when you are attending again before making any final break, don't just rely on what you experience in the time off and think that comparing it to the past is sufficient. You need to be consciously observing what is going on in your life and you won't likely have the same insights/measures to compare to now prior to the break that you will after the break.

It is extremly easy to relax into the not attending lifestyle, there are many positive things you can fill your life with and if life at Church has been high on the negative side of things prior to the break, it is also extremely easy to discount the more hidden (to you at this time) positive aspects. In my experience, coming back to Church after a prolonged absence with fresh eyes helps me appreciate the little things more and in the long term I've actually found that the little things are what have made the Church most meaningful in my life and from what I've seen where I've been able to contribute to others and that includes doing little things myself for others that I wouldn't have thought of in the past.

I appreciate your addendum to my suggestion. It has definite merit. I wish I'd thought of it.

[dblagent007]

The Church is for everybody. It's true, whether we like it or not.

Moroni came to Joseph Smith even if sacrament meeting is boring, just as the law of gravity holds even if you don't think it's particularly cool.

It would be really nice to believe with that kind of certainty. I still believe, but with much less certainty than I used to.

[JLFuller]

I had lunch a while back with my bishop. He had only been in office for a few weeks so I asked him what if anything, was different. Was there anything he noticed that had changed in him. He said he felt a sense of love and compassion for the members that he never felt before. I had noticed that something was different about him too. He had been our home teacher a few years before and I always liked him. But now there was a special draw that in a way was what I would describe as Christ-like.

After lunch we each went back to our own offices and I forgot about it. But every now and then this recollection just kind of pops back up kind of like a reminder that my bishop is a resource I should take advantage of. I bring this up because spending a few minutes with him was refreshing. It is one of those little things we pay too little attention to but afterwards, upon reflection, are quite meaningful. You might want to consider buying your bishop lunch and just having a talk.

[Buckeye]

Whatever! That's the toughest calling in the ward, and if you are magnifying it, you still have to teach lessons. Teaching children that age is more about entertainment than education. Good luck!

Wow. I haven't had a "whatever" thrown at me for some time. Very classy.

I never said I thought nursery easy. I know its quite the opposite, as I have four kids of my own - ages 2 to 8. And while there is more entertainment than you'll find in HPG, I find that doesn't conflict with education. Kids that age can't help but be educated because they're seeing everything for the first time.

[consiglieri]

Elder Oaks said recently, that if we enjoyed a talk in church, then we didn't understand it.

Would that explain why Elder Oaks' talks are so eminently "understandable"?

Seriously, I just got back from court and skimmed all the wonderful comments.

Thanks so much for your thoughts and concerns.

I really appreciate them.

You know, if all you people were in my ward, I think that would make a HUGE difference!

Any way we could establish the first virtual LDS Ward? Bisho-p Peterson?

The sacrament might be a problem, but nothing we couldn't overcome, I'm sure.

All the Best!

--Consiglieri

P.S. I hate to spill the beans, but I just discovered a feature on this board that, when you type "Bisho-p Peterson," it changes the "Bishop" into "Daniel."

That's why I had to put a dash between the "o" and the "p."

Here! Look! I am going to type "Bisho-p Peterson" below and see what happens.

"Daniel Peterson."

Viola!

I wonder what that's about?