English Text Review

[amo]

Hi, a friend of mine asked me to review this short text for her. Not being fully qualified on the subject I hereby ask for your help. What do you think, is it well written ? Any corrections ?

 

"Always a passionate about pedagogy, particularly language teaching, Johnny Lingo, English and Italian senior instructor in the LA business community for over 20 years, mainly at the prestigious Hello School of languages, decided to launch Marco Polo Language Center. He did so in order to make available to a larger number of people his talent and vast knowledge in the field, as well as his numerous human qualities and his great motivational skills, all of which constitute an essential part in the process of learning and acquisition of a second language."

 

Thx.

[Calm]

43 minutes ago, amo said:

 

Having always been passionate about pedagogy---especially teaching language, Johnny Lingo decided to launch the Marco Polo Language Center.  He brings to his project over 20 years experience as the leading instructor of English and Italian language in the LA business community, primarily working at the prestigious Hello School of languages.  His goal is to make his talent and extensive knowledge of the field available to a larger number of people.  His numerous human qualities and his great motivational skills also contribute as essential supports to the acquisition of a second language.

Is there a reason why "Johnny Lingo" isn't working on this himself as it would appear to be his field of expertise (I am assuming "Johnny Lingo" isn't his real name; if it is, it is practically perfect for a language teacher.

Add-on:. Made two alterations, probably will make more.   "numerous human qualities" needs changing and it is still quite awkward, but will see if anyone else has ideas before I do any more.

Edited November 12, 2016 by Calm

[Calm]

Does "senior" mean longest teaching, most important, best, most popular, or another characteristic?

"Leading" will probably the best choice if I understand the comment correctly (

Edited November 12, 2016 by Calm

[Calm]

Is the school's name "Hello School of Languages" or "Hello School"? Whatever it actually is should be used without any additions.

If this is an announcement of the opening of the Marco Polo Language Center, the phrasing probably should be "Johnny Lingo has decided"

Edited November 12, 2016 by Calm

[ksfisher]

32 minutes ago, Calm said:

 

Add-on:. Made two alterations, probably will make more.   "numerous human qualities" needs changing and it is still quite awkward, but will see if anyone else has ideas before I do any more.

I would hope that the majority of us have "numerous human qualities." 

[amo]

2 hours ago, Calm said:

Is there a reason why "Johnny Lingo" isn't working on this himself as it would appear to be his field of expertise (I am assuming "Johnny Lingo" isn't his real name; if it is, it is practically perfect for a language teacher.

Add-on:. Made two alterations, probably will make more.   "numerous human qualities" needs changing and it is still quite awkward, but will see if anyone else has ideas before I do any more.

Thx, I knew there was room for improvement. Apparently, this is a translation and not the original, hence the style / wording...

[amo]

2 hours ago, Calm said:

Does "senior" mean longest teaching, most important, best, most popular, or another characteristic?

"Leading" will probably the best choice if I understand the comment correctly (

"senior" here was meant to mean "higher in rank or length of service",  "Being in a position, rank, or grade above others of the same set or class "

[amo]

4 minutes ago, amo said:

"senior" here was meant to mean "higher in rank or length of service",  "Being in a position, rank, or grade above others of the same set or class "

"leading" seems to be a good choice and  the sentence should read something more like : " He brings to his project over 20 years experience as the  a leading instructor of English and Italian language in the LA business community "

[amo]

" His numerous human qualities and his great motivational skills " could be changed to "His great motivational and strong interpersonal skills" ??

 

[The Nehor]

7 hours ago, amo said:

"Passionate about pedagogy and teaching language, Johnny Lingo decided to launch the Marco Polo Language Center. Johnny Lingo has been an English and Italian senior instructor in the LA business community for over 20 years, mainly at the prestigious Hello School of languages. He is seeking to share his knowledge and love of language and his enthusiasm contagious and helps facilitate the process of learning a second language."

I edit for a living but it is 3 in the morning here so no promises on how well it will sound in the morning.

I don't mean to be insulting but if he is teaching English business communication skills and this is a sample of his work.......his skills need work. That piece looked like it was shoved through a mediocre translation program.

[Calm]

The friend is a she.  Perhaps she is helping with an ad campaign?

corrections of Nehor'sdraft:

has been a leading English....language instructor...contagious enthusiasm to help facilitate the process...

First half Ithink I prefer my version, second half Nehor's works quite well to remove the awkward word choice and flow.

[amo]

3 hours ago, The Nehor said:

I edit for a living but it is 3 in the morning here so no promises on how well it will sound in the morning.

I don't mean to be insulting but if he is teaching English business communication skills and this is a sample of his work.......his skills need work. That piece looked like it was shoved through a mediocre translation program.

Thx, DNehor, and you're right, I had the same impression when I first read the text, but then again this not being my field...

[Sleeper Cell]

16 hours ago, amo said:

"Always a passionate about pedagogy, particularly language teaching, Johnny Lingo, English and Italian senior instructor in the LA business community for over 20 years, mainly at the prestigious Hello School of languages, decided to launch Marco Polo Language Center. He did so in order to make available to a larger number of people his talent and vast knowledge in the field, as well as his numerous human qualities and his great motivational skills, all of which constitute an essential part in the process of learning and acquisition of a second language."

 As a second draft:

"Always passionate about teaching languages, Johnny Lingo is launching the Marco Polo Language Center. With over 20 years experience as one of the leading instructors of the English and Italian languages in the LA business community -- primarily at the prestigious Hello School of Languages -- his goal is to make his talent and extensive knowledge available to a larger number of people.  His great motivational skills and other personal qualities provide essential support to those desiring to learn a second language."

I suggest that he read Mark Twain’s critiques of James Fennimore Cooper  (e.g., “Cooper’s Literary Offences.”)

[Guest]

21 hours ago, Calm said:

Is there a reason why "Johnny Lingo" isn't working on this himself as it would appear to be his field of expertise (I am assuming "Johnny Lingo" isn't his real name; if it is, it is practically perfect for a language teacher.

Add-on:. Made two alterations, probably will make more.   "numerous human qualities" needs changing and it is still quite awkward, but will see if anyone else has ideas before I do any more.

The real question is how many cows the paragraph is worth?  

[amo]

Well, so far we have :

The original text :

"Always a passionate about pedagogy, particularly language teaching, Johnny Lingo, English and Italian senior instructor in the LA business community for over 20 years, mainly at the prestigious Hello School of languages, decided to launch Marco Polo Language Center. He did so in order to make available to a larger number of people his talent and vast knowledge in the field, as well as his numerous human qualities and his great motivational skills, all of which constitute an essential part in the process of learning and acquisition of a second language."

 

I know now that :

1- It's a translation (Italian / French ?? not sure...)

2- This is not an announcement of the opening of the Marco Polo Language Center. It's rather meant to highlight Johnny Lingo's talent,etc., and the reason behind his decision 

3- Johnny Lingo isn't the author of the text

 

Options posted :

1- Calm's

"Having always been passionate about pedagogy---especially teaching language, Johnny Lingo decided to launch the Marco Polo Language Center.  He brings to his project over 20 years experience as the leading instructor of English and Italian language in the LA business community, primarily working at the prestigious Hello School of languages.  His goal is to make his talent and extensive knowledge of the field available to a larger number of people.  His numerous human qualities and his great motivational skills also contribute as essential supports to the acquisition of a second language. "

2-The Nehor's

" Passionate about pedagogy and teaching language, Johnny Lingo decided to launch the Marco Polo Language Center. Johnny Lingo has been an English and Italian senior instructor in the LA business community for over 20 years, mainly at the prestigious Hello School of languages. He is seeking to share his knowledge and love of language and his enthusiasm contagious and helps facilitate the process of learning a second language."

3- Sleeper Cell's

"Always passionate about teaching languages, Johnny Lingo is launching the Marco Polo Language Center. With over 20 years experience as one of the leading instructors of the English and Italian languages in the LA business community -- primarily at the prestigious Hello School of Languages -- his goal is to make his talent and extensive knowledge available to a larger number of people.  His great motivational skills and other personal qualities provide essential support to those desiring to learn a second language."

 

[amo]

Well, how's this one as option #4 :

"With over 20 years' experience and one of the leading English and Italian language instructors in the LA business community -- primarily at the prestigious Hello School of languages, Johnny Lingo launched the Marco Polo Language Center. He did so with the intent of making his talent and extensive knowledge of the field available to a larger number of people. Having always been passionate about pedagogy and especially teaching language, Johnny Lingo has developed throughout his career strong interpersonal qualities and great motivational skills, all essential supports to those desiring to learn a new language."

Any comments ??

 

[Calm]

Sounds good to me.

 Though not sure whether it should be as is or "and as one of the..." in the first sentence.

Edited November 14, 2016 by Calm

[Calm]

A lot depends on the overall context, how much other information is being shared, etc.. Depending on that, I might shift the launching bit to a later sentence so the paragraph is obviously centered on the man and not the Center, but with just the info given, it works fine.

A possible change might be to link the launch part with the second sentence and instead just have the first sentence about his experience and standing...perhaps "With over 20 years of...., Johnny Lingo has become one of the leading....He launched the MPLC for the purpose of ....."

Edited November 14, 2016 by Calm

[amo]

3 hours ago, Calm said:

Sounds good to me.

 Though not sure whether it should be as is or "and as one of the..." in the first sentence.

Had the same doubt...