Single Ladies - Please Lift A Finger

[thesometimesaint]

A man chases a women until she catches him.

[katherine the great]

With all the emphasis on the last conference about there being way too many unmarried people out there, it would seem that most of the talks center on the men not stepping up. I have to say that many of us single, and yes, a menace to the 'married' society, have stepped up many many many many times. I propose that since marriage is a shared responsibility, and all men and women must 'prepare' for the future, I would hope that future talk among the LDS would include instructions for women as well. From my perspective, being a returned missionary, a college graduate, and certainly successful in my career, I have found the 'ladies' that are my age and not married.... are wanting. They seem to want the men to spend their life pining for them or die miserably. Further, I can say from personal experience, that a mere temple marriage to a good LDS lady, does not translate into celestial eternal life or even happiness. In my opinion, there should be more balance in the pre-marriage rituals in order to have long lasting, sustainable balance in the post marriage relationship. Further, I would be happy to give up my truck, “with the big wheels” for a minivan if the ladies would at least try to lift a finger once in a while without making horrible complaining noises. When I got divorced my best investment was one of those new quiet dishwashers. Don’t get me wrong, I love the ladies, but shared responsibility, not resistibility is an eternal principle. After all, what are they waiting for?

I think people should just get married when they are good and ready. Whether they are 20 or 40 or even older. I suppose it must be a problem or our leaders wouldn't talk about it so much, but when we get married should be a personal decision IMO and it should be when we are ready and we find the right person.

[Duncan]

I think people should just get married when they are good and ready. Whether they are 20 or 40 or even older. I suppose it must be a problem or our leaders wouldn't talk about it so much, but when we get married should be a personal decision IMO and it should be when we are ready and we find the right person.

i think it shouldn't be a problem for leaders, and should be a person's problem, leaders can help but lots get far too involved in people's lives, like 1 Peter 4:15, the verse I used when talking about HT, "a busybody in other's men's matters" I don't think it is wise to push marriage or convince other people about feelinsg. I say all this because I had a YSA Bishop who shoved people together and the results were yeah high numbers of marriages but disaster with failed marriages, totally inactive spouses or couples and tons and otns of heartache. I look back and now and just shake my head about that whole scene.

[Maidservant]

I hope lots of people read your post and take it to heart. Although we joke about who does the dishes, who brings home the bacon, and how the towels are folded, in the end we must compromise for a solution to getting things done and being happy in our relationship. When we love and care about our spouse, we learn to drop what we are doing and help with what they are doing, especially when they are over-burdened. In return, the help should be noticed and thanked. So whatever our divided responsibilities are in our marriage we must realize that the rules that govern those responsibilities are love and kindness. When we stop caring for our spouse, and our spouse stops caring for us, and the only thing left is the perceived burden of our responsibilities of marriage, the future of that marriage is in jeopardy. Our actions, I repeat OUR ACTIONS, speak volumes of the nature of our relationship with our spouse. Our inactions will render the relationship dead. This is true with something as simple as doing dishes, and certainly also true with other sacred marital responsibilities. How we demonstrate our love to our spouse is just as important as the act itself. When we love someone, we take care of them, and yes, they take care of us.

Wonderful words.

A man chases a women until she catches him.

He he.

[Messenger]

i think it shouldn't be a problem for leaders, and should be a person's problem, leaders can help but lots get far too involved in people's lives, like 1 Peter 4:15, the verse I used when talking about HT, "a busybody in other's men's matters" I don't think it is wise to push marriage or convince other people about feelinsg. I say all this because I had a YSA Bishop who shoved people together and the results were yeah high numbers of marriages but disaster with failed marriages, totally inactive spouses or couples and tons and otns of heartache. I look back and now and just shake my head about that whole scene.

Duncan,

I agree. I think it’s important for us to understand what exactly the message is from the General Authorities and how the singles apply it in their own circumstances. I certainly remember a time in the 80's when it seemed that a lot of older church members were saying, "All you have to do is find a good member of the church and get married .... Love will grow later" I don’t know where that came from, but that was the message. Certainly it’s possible to have that kind of luck. After all, people are lucky all the time.

The problem is that getting married just to get married is not the answer. Certainly I like the message from Elder Oaks, "The best way to avoid divorce from an unfaithful, abusive, or unsupportive spouse is to avoid marriage to such a person. If you wish to marry well, inquire well." I think there is probably a lot more work involved than a lot of younger singles realize. Perhaps, there is a larger percentage of younger singles that have all the emphasis on the physical aspect of a spouse, and nothing else. But at the same time, it would seem many of the older singles put too much emphasis on things that don’t matter and have a huge laundry list of perfection that simply is never attainable. The core elements of a successful marriage must at least be:

1) Faithfull

2) Supportive

3) Not Abusive

4) Physically Attractive

5) Church Member

5) Temple Worthy

Some people might add a few more depending on their own experience. Does anybody else have any opinions about what the core list of qualifying attributes should be for a potential marriage?

[GingerRed]

Hello Messenger

I hear ya! We older singles get a bad rep. I, too, have been searching, I go to singles activities which I enjoy....I am signed up with two LDS dating sites...I've been in serious relationships with several guys, but it never turned to marriage. I am torn between throwing in the towel and still trying to hang on to some unattainable glimmer of hope!

To add to your list...

Good Communication...without that, ANY relationship would fail.

Trust

Unselfishness

Faithful....as in no way Jose would you ever stray!

Committed to making it work

...and Love...you left out love. I don't mean the fairy-tale kind...I mean REAL Love! Loving your spouse with all their faults and their little annoying habits and cherishing them above all others!

Messenger....you make me wish I was a little younger and lived closer to ya, I'd be honored to make your acquaintance

Red

Edited May 4, 2011 by GingerRed

[Messenger]

Hello Messenger

I hear ya! We older singles get a bad rep. I, too, have been searching, I go to singles activities which I enjoy....I am signed up with two LDS dating sites...I've been in serious relationships with several guys, but it never turned to marriage. I am torn between throwing in the towel and still trying to hang on to some unattainable glimmer of hope!

To add to your list...

Good Communication...without that, ANY relationship would fail.

Trust

Unselfishness

Faithful....as in no way Jose would you ever stray!

Committed to making it work

...and Love...you left out love. I don't mean the fairy-tale kind...I mean REAL Love! Loving your spouse with all their faults and their little annoying habits and cherishing them above all others!

Messenger....you make me wish I was a little younger and lived closer to ya, I'd be honored to make your acquaintance

Red

Red,

Thanks for your input; Absolutely faithful is a good one. The last gal I dated was for about 4 months or so. We would go to Baseball games and about 3-4 times during the date, she would stare at some guy, then get up, and go chat with him for about 15-20 minutes! A month later I was done after a few more problems.

Updated List

1 Faithfull

2 Supportive

3 Not Abusive

4 Physically Attractive

5 Church Member

6 Temple Worthy

7 REAL love

8 Unselfish

9 Committed

Edited May 5, 2011 by Messenger

[Calm]

This reminds me of a study one of my fellow psych students did for a research class. He was looking for any common denominators for what guys looked for in their future spouses (he was single...perhaps he was wondering about the topic himself, lol) at BYU. The only significant (statistically speaking) commonality was the woman had to shave her legs.......

[Messenger]

This reminds me of a study one of my fellow psych students did for a research class. He was looking for any common denominators for what guys looked for in their future spouses (he was single...perhaps he was wondering about the topic himself, lol) at BYU. The only significant (statistically speaking) commonality was the woman had to shave her legs.......

These were from Freshman right?

[Calm]

These were from Freshman right?

Sadly to say, probably not. Likely he stood in some convenient spot on campus and just asked guys as they walked by to help with his study.

[One Clear Voice]

I think people should just get married when they are good and ready. Whether they are 20 or 40 or even older. I suppose it must be a problem or our leaders wouldn't talk about it so much, but when we get married should be a personal decision IMO and it should be when we are ready and we find the right person.

I agree, Steve and Marie did it and then did it again 28 years later! I think they were good and ready both times.

[Duncan]

Duncan,

I agree. I think it’s important for us to understand what exactly the message is from the General Authorities and how the singles apply it in their own circumstances. I certainly remember a time in the 80's when it seemed that a lot of older church members were saying, "All you have to do is find a good member of the church and get married .... Love will grow later" I don’t know where that came from, but that was the message. Certainly it’s possible to have that kind of luck. After all, people are lucky all the time.

The problem is that getting married just to get married is not the answer. Certainly I like the message from Elder Oaks, "The best way to avoid divorce from an unfaithful, abusive, or unsupportive spouse is to avoid marriage to such a person. If you wish to marry well, inquire well." I think there is probably a lot more work involved than a lot of younger singles realize. Perhaps, there is a larger percentage of younger singles that have all the emphasis on the physical aspect of a spouse, and nothing else. But at the same time, it would seem many of the older singles put too much emphasis on things that don’t matter and have a huge laundry list of perfection that simply is never attainable. The core elements of a successful marriage must at least be:

1) Faithfull

2) Supportive

3) Not Abusive

4) Physically Attractive

5) Church Member

5) Temple Worthy

Some people might add a few more depending on their own experience. Does anybody else have any opinions about what the core list of qualifying attributes should be for a potential marriage?

My list is

1) active,Temple serving. Preferably served a mission. At the very least had their testimony challenged

2) nice, sweet, compatible, understanding ( I am divorced with a son)

3) open minded-I would like to talk doctrine, history, ideally with someone who knows what they are talking about or is interested enough to challenge me

4) smart, good with cash

5) funny, sense of humour, I don't want to be around someone who has a personality of a pancake and like me happy go lucky

6) Cute! yet I know that beauty fades but stupid lasts forever

Edited May 11, 2011 by Duncan

[Messenger]

I put a little poem together for all the guys struggling to figure out how to take the first step. I actually used a similar poem several years ago when asking a gal out and it worked then. I think poems should be customized for the individual, so feel free to used some artistic license. Christy, thanks for inspiring me to write this for you, years ago.

----------------

Hello (insert her name here), I’ve had something on my mind. So, I thought I’d say it in this simple little rhyme.

I think you are a really good person and pretty, and I’m not sure that you would want to even go out with me.

But, my friends say I’ve got to get out more and see the sights, which doesn’t include going to all the 45+ singles activity nights!

To tell you the truth, deep down inside I know living for myself without a family, is just a lie.

You know it’s not easy at age over 43; everyone is so concerned about trust & security including me.

I like my life, and I could settle for just good friends. But that voice inside thinks this is ludicrous and maybe a bit insane.

So, every time I think about going out on a dinner date I think of you, and that thought won’t go away.

So, you can put me out of my misery, and just say no. Then the thought won’t come to me anymore.

But if you would like to have dinner and talk to someone, On subjects better conversed with more than just one.

Then say yes, I promise it will be a blessing and I’ll be good! If nothing else, we can just have some fine food. Thinking of you.

Edited May 14, 2011 by Messenger