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Puns for Educated Minds


Pahoran

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1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of maths disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was fined for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Regards,

Pahoran

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A little know fact about Thomas Edison was that he was a true philanthropist. As evidenced in the following story.

One day, Edison decided to go on vacation out west and see what the real west was like. He happened upon an Indian reservation and saw the abject poverty they were living in. He decided to do a great deed of charity and he installed a light in main outhouse so the Indians wouldn't run over cacti and step on lizards in the middle of the night. By doing this great deed of charity, Thomas Edison became the first white man in history to wire a head for reservation.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, I'm here all week and four times on Saturday.

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1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of maths disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was fined for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Regards,

Pahoran

numers 9 and 11 are going on the sig line!

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I LOVE puns! infact I started a Mormons who love Puns group on Facebook!

I used to be a tap dancer until I fell into the sink

When I was in LA I saw a sign on the lawn of a rehab centre that said, "Keep off the Grass"

My Resume

An orange juice plant where first I worked

Was where I first got canned.

They said I could concentrate

and called me very bland.

My next job was a lumberjack.

I found I couldn't hack it.

So soon the boss gave me the axe

And told me I could pack it.

A tailor then I tried to be,

But wasn't suited for it.

I saw it was a sew-sew job.

It seams I did abhor it.

A muffler factory was next.

I felt it was costing

A lack of sleep that made me weep.

The job was too exhausting.

I tried to be a deli chef,

A job that got me flustered,

For any way I sliced it there,

I couldn't cut the mustard.

Pool maintenance was next for me.

I thought it entertaining.

But soon I had to quit because

The work was just too draining.

I tried a big shoe factory,

But there I couldn't win.

Although I put my sole in it,

I just did not fit in.

I tried to be a teacher, but

As things would come to pass,

I didn't get the job because

I hadn't any class.

So now I am a poet, and

I guess it is my curse.

Of all the jobs that I have tried,

I've gone from bad to verse.

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When I first heard about the Winter Olympic sport of Skeleton I thought, "Where did they dig this sport up?" But it turns out that this was a bone afide Olympic sport nearly a half a century ago (54 years to be exact...that is a bit of tibia for you).

I just watched the event, and saw the competitor who won the Cold Medal in by a marrow margin (just fractures of a second!). One of the commentators said that there is a world cup circuit for Skeleton but their winnings are small compared to other sports so they are pretty much doing this all pro bone-o.

For those of you who think that skeleton is easy you have been seriously miSLED. It takes a lot of skull to do this spine-tingling sport. Unlike the things that you strap on your feet and then ischeum down the hill, you have to lay on your tummy as you sled down the run. I think I would femur comfortable knowing that I had a soft cushion of snow to land in rather than the bone-crunchingly hard ice of the skeleton run. If you don't take the curves just right it can coccyx several seconds on your time. I think Skeleton is going to turn out to be a hip new sport. They probably won't get as much ribbing as the lugers do.

I hope you found this piece humerus.

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Love puns.

I told two yesterday.

The first one.

My wife and I were driving to see her brother. He is a CPA and helps us with taxes. On the way we passed a hotel. The hotel was called "The Knights Inn" and it's a dump.

I say to my wife, "Do you know why Sir Lancelot preferred that inn?"

She says, "Cause he was a Knight."

I say, "No, it was because he loved their nightly rates."

the other one.

My BIL, the CPA, well his name is Mark. He just got new Ford truck. It's pretty slick.

I said to Mark, "I bet you get a lot of offers on that truck from bank robbers."

He looks at my funny then says, "Why?"

I say, "Cause their always looking for an unmarked vehicle."

Those are my original cheesy puns. Don't worry guys, I'll be in town all knight.

edit add- <inserts drum roll> titaboom..pish

Edited by Mudcat
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very phunning, I don't get the whiskey maker one though.

You know... he loved her still... her still... like for making booze.

GG

Sorry, just noticed LDS Guy already explained this.

BTW Thanks Pahoran for the chuckles.

Edited by Garden Girl
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There was this Irish Potato who was the king and an Idaho Potato, who was queen, and they had a little princess potato who was a very sweet potato, whose name was May or yam spelt backwards. One day, May decided she neede to go out and find herself a husband. The king potato wished her the best of luck and told her quite firmly that her husband had to be of royal stock, that nothing else would be acceptable.

Time goes by and eventually May returns with the exciting news that she had found the man/potato that she dearly love and he loved her also.

"Oh daddy, he is the most wonderful man. He loves me and I love him and I just have to marry him or I'll never be happy again."

"Well May, who is he?"

"Oh daddy dearest, you know him, his name is Bill O'Reilly."

"Oh May, May, May, you can't marry him. I forbid it."

"Whay daddy?"

"May, he not of royal blood, he's just a common tater."

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There was this Irish Potato who was the king and an Idaho Potato, who was queen, and they had a little princess potato who was a very sweet potato, whose name was May or yam spelt backwards. One day, May decided she neede to go out and find herself a husband. The king potato wished her the best of luck and told her quite firmly that her husband had to be of royal stock, that nothing else would be acceptable.

Time goes by and eventually May returns with the exciting news that she had found the man/potato that she dearly love and he loved her also.

"Oh daddy, he is the most wonderful man. He loves me and I love him and I just have to marry him or I'll never be happy again."

"Well May, who is he?"

"Oh daddy dearest, you know him, his name is Bill O'Reilly."

"Oh May, May, May, you can't marry him. I forbid it."

"Whay daddy?"

"May, he not of royal blood, he's just a common tater."

:P

Edited by Ron Beron
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Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it "the herd shot round the world".

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close.

Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

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