Doctor Steuss

When I first encountered the “yes, all men” statement online, about 16 years ago (I think[?]), I admittedly made it all about me, rather than the people who have been conditioned through real-life experiences to have to live with that level of anxiety and threat assessment. Rather than trying to understand the world that most women experience, I felt the compulsion to push back, because if I wasn’t that type of person, and my dad isn’t, and my brothers aren’t, and so on… then obviously it isn’t “all men.” Now, I try to do my best in situations where I’m a “stranger” to lessen potential anxiety. I know I’m not a threat, but I also recognize that others don’t know that. Sometimes there's a level of hurt, when I find out someone thought I was mean, or racist, or violent, or a douchebag because of my appearance, but I also know what I look like to a lot of people and that there wasn't intentional malice in their subconscious real-time threat assessment of me. While I know that I’m not a predator, I also know that I am physically intimidating, and that men and women generally view me as potentially threatening if they don’t know me. I make modest adjustments to my behavior, when possible to help with that. I think one thing that may help in this conversation is simply remembering that women are people. They aren’t some mysterious “other,” or monolith. From that starting point, one need only put yourself into another person’s shoes. Not into a woman’s shoes… just another human being’s shoes. Some self-reporting data from college attending men indicates that as high as 60% of men have engaged in sexual harassment, coercion, intimidation, and assault. Those same self-reporting studies have found as many as 16% of men have committed legally-defined rape. The few behavioral studies generally put it at around 25% of men who have committed some form of sexual assault. Those are the high-end numbers (other self-reporting studies have found lower numbers), but the fact that this is self-reported data (at least with the first two -- the other is a bit more complicated) I think speaks volumes. Also, most of this is college aged men. Men that haven’t even lived a quarter of their lives, already self-reporting that high of a rate. If you’re in a room with 10 men, there’s a likelihood (at least from the available research) that at least 2 of them have sexually assaulted a woman. Potentially half of the men in that room have used coercion, intimidation, or refused to accept that “no” is a complete sentence, at some point in their lives. That’s difficult to fathom, unless you’ve been one of the people who have experienced it first-hand. I’m not sure what empathetic thought experiment can work best for every person. I know a lot of men have difficulty putting themselves into a frame of mind where the potential of being a victim of rape is tangible in any meaningful way. It can be just too much of a foreign concept. Perhaps thinking of it as, if half of men had a tendency to just punch other dudes in the special-no-no-place, would it have absolutely no impact on how you viewed the world? Say you were fortunate and had never been punched, but you had multiple friends who had… wouldn’t that change your worldview in some way? Would you in no way start assuming that ever man you encountered had that potential, and you had to wait and see if they didn’t (all the while, anxiously waiting for that statistical roll of the dice)? Anecdotally (and trigger warning), an ex of mine was once raped by a family friend. She had known him for 30 years. Their families regularly did things together, and the kids all referred to each other as cousins, and their relationships matched that familial label. For 30 years she had shared life experiences with this “cousin.” For 30 years he had hung out with her friends (I met him multiple times, and he always seemed like a great guy). For 30 years their families spent important moments together. Then, one day, she woke up with a knife to her throat, and he proceeded to rape her. Another friend of mine was serially raped by her two brothers for almost a decade. Her mom and others just assumed she was “slow” because she never spoke. The brothers both went on missions, and were seen as regular up-standing LDS boys (one is now dead, and the other is serving two consecutive prison sentences for rape). There aren’t always warning signs. There isn’t some blinking light of “I’m potentially going to rape you.” To the women who have experienced it, particularly from someone who had always been “safe” -- to those women, it is potentially “all men.” So, is it mildly inconvenient for me to alter how I conduct myself in public and private? Meh, not really. Maybe at first, trying to remember to do the little things, but now it’s second nature. Asking a woman that I’m on a date with, if it’s ok that I just put my arm around them, or asking at the end of a date if it’s ok if I kiss them on the cheek or if just a fist-bump would be more comfortable (providing the alternative yourself can always be helpful) -- it just becomes second nature. Being aware of my surroundings and how others perceive me is far less tedious than the hyper-awareness a lot of women have to bear. Gradually too, treating women like fully self-actualized individual people tends to make them see you the same way. Creates great opportunities for friendships, and to be the person they feel comfortable telling their traumas to. Of course, I know that we’re all built different. Some women can’t have male friends, because if there’s any level of attraction, there’s too much of an urge to jump bones. Similarly there are men that can’t too. Because (*drum roll*), just like men, women are people. Not sure if this adds anything of value, or if it's just everyone circling their respective wagons at this point, but hopefully it wasn't just a waste of bandwidth (and needlessly abusing the keyboard with my sausage fingers).

I'm glad you were able to overcome your apprehension, and hopefully with time you'll be able to find the root cause that makes you see yourself as a potential rapist, and help find coping strategies where it isn't a potential roadblock to helping people. Best case scenario, you'll be able to reach a point where you no longer view yourself as a potential rapist.

Free will is so integral to Mormonism's ethos, that theologically there were people ("spirits") who were in the presence of God, experiencing His full Glory firsthand, who were still able to make a free will choice to rebel against Him. Even the posthumous rights are believed to be able to be accepted or rejected by the person they are performed on behalf of. Making the government (or anyone, for that matter) force compliance to the "one true religion" negates a core foundational belief of Mormonism. In fact, forced acceptance of the Gospel was Satan's plan within the Mormon mythos. At least that's this agnostic heathen's perspective.

Somewhat related to the topic of surgeries to alter one's body. The American Journal of Surgery published a systematic review about a year ago. For breast augmentation, the regret ranged from 5-9%. For body contouring, the regret rate was as high as 33%. Prostatectomy regret rate was about 30%, and bariatric surgery was almost 20%. They even noted the regret rates for non-surgical life decisions, like having children (7%), and getting a tattoo (16%). One that I looked up recently (due to some funk I am dealing with) was the regret rate for surgery for degenerative conditions of the spine. About 6% of people regret surgery. Note that with a lot of these surgeries there's no going back from. Once the surgery is done, you are stuck for life with it. Yet, there aren't scores of internet warriors poo-pooing people's personal decisions to get bariatric surgery, or prostatectomies, or spinal fusions, demanding government intervention. The regret rate for gender-affirmation surgery (from the systematic review in AJS)? A whopping 1%

Hi Rory, my dear old friend. I hope you and your loved ones are well. From a Christian perspective (or more specifically, your tradition and knowledge) -- Given Christ's teaching(s) regarding those who are born eunuchs, do you think it possible that infertility isn't necessarily a defect, but a way in which God sets aside those chosen for higher purposes and eternal inheritance? Just musing. Big Squeezy-Hugs, Stu

Anecdotal, but my nephew just got home about 6 weeks ago from a stateside Spanish speaking mission (SC Charleston). His final few months, the branch was struggling quite a bit because so many people were afraid to leave home to go to Church. He also said tracting because an effort of complete futility because no one was going to open their door to a pair of 6-foot plus blonde dudes in suits. One man he taught was deported a few weeks after he was baptized.

I judge them the exact same way. To me, it's a moral constant that men shouldn't have sex with children. It was wrong in the past. It is wrong right now. It will be wrong in the future. I see no reason why we should shun away from applying our moral judgements on the past. There's no reason anyone should make excuses for chattel slavery, the Holocaust, sex trafficking of children, and the myriad of other things that people in the past felt morally justified in doing, just because they didn't live right now. My brain isn't superior to people who lived before me (if anything, it's a few rungs down), so there's no reason I should feel like every single person in the past had hobbled moral reasoning. We can and should try to understand why and how their place in history and society caused their reasoning to become twisted in a way to make vile and abhorrent things seem acceptable (both to understand their worldview and to prevent us from adopting their reasoning[s]), but we shouldn't withhold judgement.

If the judgment is that men shouldn't marry children, I'm totally ok with being morally abominable.

Hi Calm, Prior to my wedding, I probably would have bristled at the impersonal nature of cash as a wedding gift, but after my wedding, the cash was appreciated so much and totally changed my mind. We were able to apportion some to the little things we needed as a couple with a little rapscallion, and we were also able to use some of it to make our honeymoon so much more memorable. Instead of it being meticulously planned out financially (like it was initially), we were able to pepper in a few additional fun things, like an impromptu night at the Grand America in Salt Lake, and a fancy dinner (I had capers for the very first time). I have lifetime memories that I otherwise never could have dreamed of because of those little cash wedding gifts. There are a few physical gifts, that even in separation/divorce are still deeply treasured and meaningful, but the memories (and reduced stress with getting some additional furniture items, and appliances) from those cash gifts are absolutely invaluable to me.