Mess.

[Dario_M]

My live is such a mess at certain times. Spoiler allert, this is gonna be a cry topic again. I had a big argument with my bf in the middle of the night. And i was so angry at him that i decided that i left out of the door. I wanted to walk to the coast (like i often do.) But normaly i don't do that in the middle of the night, like i have done right now. It's a long walk, an hour. I reached the place. I hanged out there on the coast. In the dark. Watched the sea. With all the lights in the distaince. And i saw some boats where fishing. Listen to the sounds of the sea.

And now i'm waithing in a bustation for the bus. Here it's now 5:16 and the first bus that will arive here is on 6:30. So i need to wait a long while. I don't have the energie to walk all the way back to home.

Luckely there's nobody here. I'm all alone. I'm so desperate. I just don't know what to do anymore. I just really hate my life.

I just pray to God that something is gonna change in life because i can't go on like this. My bf is changing a bit and he doesn't wanna have effection from me on the moment. But that's how he always have been. We also had an period  that we splif up for 1 and a halt year. At that time i was in Portugal. Now i'm back here in the Netherlands and in the biggining he acted so sweet the first half year i've been here with him. But slowely he is changing in his same ways. 

Need to cry. 😭😓😞

Edited October 8, 2024 by Dario_M

[Tacenda]

17 minutes ago, Dario_M said:

My live is such a mess at certain times. Spoiler allert, this is gonna be a cry topic again. I had a big argument with my bf in the middle of the night. And i was so angry at him that i decided that i left out of the door. I wanted to walk to the coast (like i often do.) But normaly i don't do that in the middle of the night, like i have done right now. It's a long walk, an hour. I reached the place. I hanged out there on the coast. In the dark. Watched the sea. With all the lights in the distaince. And i saw some boats where fishing. Listen to the sounds of the sea.

And now i'm waithing in a bustation for the bus. Here it's now 5:16 and the first bus that will arive here is on 6:30. So i need to wait a long while. I don't have the energie to walk all the way back to home.

Luckely there's nobody here. I'm all alone. I'm so desperate. I just don't know what to do anymore. I just really hate my life.

I just pray to God that something is gonna change in life because i can't go on like this. My bf is changing a bit and he doesn't wanna have effection from me on the moment. But that's how he always have been. We also had an period  that we splif up for 1 and a halt year. At that time i was in Portugal. Now i'm back here in the Netherlands and in the biggining he acted so sweet the first half year i've been here with him. But slowely he is changing in his same ways. 

Need to cry. 😭😓😞

Let the tears flow if that helps, or the ocean soothe...hopefully it did. While you're waiting for the bus, just remember this will pass. My my mom would say..this too shall pass. And I believe it is a saying that means tomorrow is another day or a year or a week. But above everything there is a future that could hold many wonderful things along with some not so wonderful things, such is life.

I hope it's just a lover's spat and things will be back to normal soon with your bf. If not, I'm sure you'll find another love partner and hopefully you don't lose hope. And for sure, reach out to members in the ward too. And glad you reached out here on this board. We may all be internet friends, but still friends.

[Dario_M]

19 minutes ago, Tacenda said:

Let the tears flow if that helps, or the ocean soothe...hopefully it did.

Yes it did. It was acually kinda beautiful with all those red lights far in the distance. And the boats i saw. I think they where fishing. 

19 minutes ago, Tacenda said:

While you're waiting for the bus, just remember this will pass.

Yeah. I only need to wait a half our for the bus now. Time fly's. 😌

19 minutes ago, Tacenda said:

My my mom would say..this too shall pass. And I believe it is a saying that means tomorrow is another day or a year or a week. But above everything there is a future that could hold many wonderful things along with some not so wonderful things, such is life.

I'm waithing for the wonderfull things to come. I don't wanna lose hope. Because that's the only thing i got now. Hope.

19 minutes ago, Tacenda said:

I hope it's just a lover's spat and things will be back to normal soon with your bf.

Normaly he's so sweet. I just can not understand why he can change so much. And why he doesn't wanna talk with me about it. 

19 minutes ago, Tacenda said:

If not, I'm sure you'll find another love partner and hopefully you don't lose hope. And for sure, reach out to members in the ward too. And glad you reached out here on this board. We may all be internet friends, but still friends.

We are friends. You guys have been so kind to me.

I really love my boyfriend. We know each other for 10 years now. We have been through a lot. And allthough we had a split up and i went to Portugal. I missed him all the time. 

[Calm]

1 hour ago, Dario_M said:

Normaly he's so sweet. I just can not understand why he can change so much. And why he doesn't wanna talk with me about it. 

Maybe he’s afraid of you rejecting him if you find out what he’s really like. A lot of people feel that way even if there’s no reason to. My husband surprised me after we had been married for 25 years with a fear he was always afraid I would divorce him even though in all of years of our marriage I had never mentioned divorce or anything even hinting of leaving him, it was just a conversation he had with himself in his head he couldn’t break out of.   Most of him didn’t feel that way, but it was stuck in a corner of his mind and when he was tired or insecure it would pop out and make things worse. 
 

Sometimes people set up the very things they fear like pushing people away because they don’t want to get hurt when their loved one stops loving them. 
 

Maybe if you can think about helping him feel safe when this happens, you won’t get so worried yourself and maybe he will eventually feel safe enough to open up about what he is feeling in that moment. It can take time though as sometimes people find the fear so painful they push the thought of it away and pretend even to themselves it doesn’t exist (which is why it took over 20 years for my husband to tell me he felt that way, most of the time he probably would have insisted that fear didn’t exist I am guessing if I had asked him about it; would have had to have known it existed first, of course).

Has your boyfriend talked to you much about his early years?

Edited October 8, 2024 by Calm

[Dario_M]

23 minutes ago, Calm said:

Maybe he’s afraid of you rejecting him if you find out what he’s really like. A lot of people feel that way even if there’s no reason to.

Yeah that can be very well true. But as long as he doesn't wanna talk about it with me there's nothing a can do for him other then get angry or frustrated at him from time to time. He is super closed.

23 minutes ago, Calm said:

My husband surprised me after we had been married for 25 years with a fear he was always afraid I would divorce him even though in all of years of our marriage I had never mentioned divorce or anything even hinting of leaving him, it was just a conversation he had with himself in his head he couldn’t break out of.   Most of him didn’t feel that way, but it was stuck in a corner of his mind and when he was tired or insecure it would pop out and make things worse. 

Why didn't he talked about his fears with you then? It's so frustrating if men hold their emotions in and don't wanna say anything about it. But as his partner you just feel that something is off. And if you can't get through him that's just super frustrating right?

23 minutes ago, Calm said:

Sometimes people set up the very things they fear like pushing people away because they don’t want to get hurt when their loved one stops loving them. 

 

I understand that. But when it's meant to happen that there is no chemistry left between. There isn't anything anyone can do about that. Also not the husband in question. 

23 minutes ago, Calm said:

Maybe if you can think about helping him feel safe when this happens, you won’t get so worried yourself and maybe he will eventually feel safe enough to open up about what he is feeling in that moment.

 

I can try that. Sometimes i have a bad temper as well. I'm not always that nice to him. 

23 minutes ago, Calm said:

It can take time though as sometimes people find the fear so painful they push the thought of it away and pretend even to themselves it doesn’t exist

But you know what it is. As his partner you just feel like something is not right. 

23 minutes ago, Calm said:

(which is why it took over 20 years for my husband to tell me he felt that way, most of the time he probably would have insisted that fear didn’t exist I am guessing if I had asked him about it; would have had to have known it existed first, of course).

Has your boyfriend talked to you much about his early years?

Yes he did. After i pulled it out from him. And his stories are kinda interesting. Btw.  Did you know that ge kept peed in his bed till the age of 30?

And he still sucks his thumb like a baby. But only when i'm around. Not with strangers. And it's weird because if you would look at him you wouldn't expect that kind of behavoir from him. He looks like a big macho. So strange right? 

He worked as a train mechanic and his work was really tough. Unfortunately he got fired.

[Pyreaux]

One thing I'd wonder if the changes are sudden but repeating a pattern or even a cycle, could be Bipolar disorder, a condition characterized by cycles of mania/hypomania and major depression. Extreme mood swings that include emotional highs (Manic) and lows (Depression) and the two often alternate generally. Mania involves an elevated and labile mood associated with disinhibition and expansiveness, heightened feelings of creativity, energy, and happiness, and may even commit impulsive and even dangerous acts. Major depression includes depressive mood, loss of pleasure, sleep and eating disorders, a lot of agitation. Bipolar disorder usually cycles between those two distinct phases. If left untreated, a mania episode can last from a few days to several months, while depression may appear soon after, or may not appear for weeks or months.

[Pyreaux]

 

[Dario_M]

7 minutes ago, Pyreaux said:

One thing I'd wonder if the changes are sudden but repeating a pattern or even a cycle, could be Bipolar disorder, a condition characterized by cycles of mania/hypomania and major depression. Extreme mood swings that include emotional highs (Manic) and lows (Depression) and the two often alternate generally. Mania involves an elevated and labile mood associated with disinhibition and expansiveness, heightened feelings of creativity, energy, and happiness, and may even commit impulsive and even dangerous acts. Major depression includes depressive mood, loss of pleasure, sleep and eating disorders, a lot of agitation. Bipolar disorder usually cycles between those two distinct phases. If left untreated, a mania episode can last from a few days to several months, while depression may appear soon after, or may not appear for weeks or months.

How do you know all about this. And do you really think i have all of those disorders?

 

Edited October 8, 2024 by Dario_M

[Dario_M]

2 minutes ago, Pyreaux said:

 

🤣

Later on if i have more time i will watch the whole video! 📽🎬

Edited October 8, 2024 by Dario_M

[Pyreaux]

18 hours ago, Dario_M said:

How do you know all about this. And do you really think i have all of those disorders?

 

No, I was thinking your boyfriend had bipolar disorder symptoms. You'd have to judge that, maybe it's not his fault, if it's a mental issue. You I assumed have depression and anxiety, but perhaps you simply had your reasons to be. You seem rather sunny, life might actually be bad if it brings you down.

Edited October 9, 2024 by Pyreaux

[Dario_M]

Btw he just woke up right now. He's acting kinda strange. 

Oh lord please help me.😭🙏 I'm confused. If my bf and i will split up again for the second time i would be entirely on my own. 

Edited October 8, 2024 by Dario_M

[Dario_M]

44 minutes ago, Pyreaux said:

No, I was thinking your boyfriend had bipolar disorder symptoms. You'd have judge, maybe it's not his fault if its a mental issue. You I assumed have depression and anxiety, but perhaps you simply had your reasons to be. You seem rather sunny, life might actually be bad if it brings you down.

I don't really know what kind of problems he have to be honest. But he is definitely not normal. But he was a train mechanic for over 30 years. At that time he needed to get allong with all kind of colleagues. Machos, his boss, office employees. All kinds of people And he managed that quite well. He has social skills you know. But unfortunately he doesn't always wanna use them. 😭

[Dario_M]

Btw, thank you all for your quick responses. I appreciate that a lot. 🩵 God bless you all. 💫

[Calm]

3 hours ago, Dario_M said:

But unfortunately he doesn't always wanna use them.

That might mean he feels safe with you. 

[Dario_M]

28 minutes ago, Calm said:

That might mean he feels safe with you. 

Yeah. We have allready made it up. ❤️💙💛

His eye hurt. He has an infection. 

[Tacenda]

Just saw this photo on Facebook @Dario_M! Is this possible or real, I'm amazed and want to live there, haha. 

Edited October 14, 2024 by Tacenda

[Dario_M]

10 hours ago, Tacenda said:

Just saw this photo on Facebook @Dario_M! Is this possible or real, I'm amazed and want to live there, haha. 

Omg that looks nice indeed. I have no idea where this is though. But this looks absolutely real. The Netherlands is full of places like this. But i hava no clue where this is exactly. 

I myself live really close to the coast though. In Beverwijk. You can look it up on google maps if you're curious. Beverwijk is not that beautiful. Espcially the center (where i live😪). But sometimes i walk to a big cemetery on the west side of the city, Duinrust. It's beautiful there totaly differend then the center. And there's also a park around it. And on other days i just walk all the way up to the coast Wijk Aan Zee. And there it is also really nice. 🌊

Edited October 15, 2024 by Dario_M