Ga's Top Ten Ways To Eat A Reese's

[Severian]

Her Amun: "Despite this thread being stupid, one can still draw significant parallels to the shape of the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and the route taken by the Nephites in reaching Hill Cumorah #2. Furthermore, isn't it interesting that linguistically, the word Reese's adds up to the equivalent of Nahom when you use the I-Ching during the Year of the Rabbit?"

[Severian]

This is too good not to share. It is from Blixa at MD.

Nibley: A Reese's is the same shape as the Shield of Achilles. How can all this be mere coincidence? 1 Anaximander of Miletus says that the Infinite (apeiron-absolute) is the source of all things; for out of it all things arise, and into it all things are dissolved---a striking parallel to the human digestion process when eating a peanut butter cup or any other comestible. 2 Zuckermann remarks, â??The difficulty is not only that stories of human phylogeny can never be more than a series of probabilities largely based on guesswork. We also have to consider the fact that speculation clouds almost every single stage in the treatment of the physical evidence itself...we have all the ingredients necessary to produce endless speculation and controversy.â? 3 Thus, while one can never determine the exact method Joseph Smith may have used to consume his Reeses, we can discount the wild speculations and controversy of so-called scientists and their guesses.

Furthermore, no subject has been more intensively studied over a greater number of years than that of primitive Semitic poetry, and nowhere could one find a more perfect illustration of the points that are now agreed upon as to temple rituals associated with the Reeses-as-sacrament. 4 According to the record of St. Nilus, the ancient Arabs used to consume their primitive patties of peanut butter and carob after having refreshed and washed themselves in some fountain of running water discovered in the course of a long journeying. 5

Ibn Qutayba, in a famous work on Arabic poetry, quoted a great desert poet, Abu Sakhr, as saying that nothing on earth brings verses so readily to mind as the eating of a combination of locusts and honey---which is merely an Arabic transliteration of "chocolate" and "butter of peanut." 6 Thomas recounts how his Arabs upon reaching the Umm al-Hait hailed "The Cup" with a song in praise of the "creamy yet solid composition" whose bounty filled the belly of the believer. In the most stirring episode of Saint-Exupery's Wind, Sand, and Stars, the Arab chiefs who view the wonders of Paris with stolid indifference burst into cries of devout rapture at the sight of a Reeses display located conveniently next to the cash register at the corner bodega. 7.

You scholars have spoken; why don't you do the honest thing and admit that you don't know a blessed thing about the history of ritual mixing of ingredients, that you haven't made even a superficial study of them either to examine the categories to which they belong or the peculiarities of the individual flavors? You can never say, and I will keep repeating everlastingly, that the final reports are in and we have heard from all the gourmands. The thing is full of surprises. 8

1. Pratt, John P., "Uranus Testifies of Christ," Meridian Magazine (14 Apr 2004). Note that Pluto is not considered to be in the set of time keeping planet.

2. Oaks, "Obsolescence and Displacement," 27 Jan. 1977, p. 6, BYUA; Truman Madsen, "The Joy of Learning," Outstanding Lectures (Provo, Utah: ASBYU Academics Office, 1979), p. 89; A.H. Bowher, "Quality and Quantity in Higher Education," Journal of the American Statistical Association, March 1965, pp. 1-15; Barron's Profiles of American Colleges, An In-Depth Study: Brigham Young University (Woodbury, New York: Barron's Educational Series, Inc., 1969), pp. 1-2; James Cass and Max Birnbaum, Comparative Guide to American Colleges for Students, Parents, and Counselors, (New York: Harper and Row, 1981), pp. 95-96; Edward B. Fiske, Selective Guide to Colleges (New York: Times Books, 1982), p. 45; Jack Gourman, The Gourman Report: A Rating of Undergraduate Programs in American and International Universities (Los Angeles: National Education Standards, Inc., 1980).

3. Truman G. Madsen, ed., Nibley on the Timely and the Timeless (Salt Lake City: BYU Religious Studies Center, 1978), pp. 268-69.

4. ibid.

5. This is the traditional interpretation, that the Hebrew year from the autumn of AD 27 to AD 28 was the first year of the cycle. There has been a scholarly disagreement on the subject because there is some evidence that the following year might have been the sabbath at the time of Christ. Recent evidence from Blosser has tipped the scales to favor the traditional view. See Finegan, Jack, Handbook of Biblical Chronology (Peabody, Mass.: 1998), pp. 116-122.

6. "Self-Portrait: An Intellectual Autobiography by Hugh W. Nibley," BYU Today, Aug. 1978, p. 11.

7. Wilkinson, Introduction, Latter-day Saint Standards at Brigham Young University (Committee on Standards, 1957), p. 2.

8. Reese's Peanut Butter Cup label.

[William James]

I don't know who originally wrote this, but this is where I found it:

http://www.anyboard.net/soc/religion/chris...osts/52793.html

TOP TEN WAYS General Authorities Eat Reese's Peanut Butter Cups

10. Paul H. Dunn: "I remember back in WWII that I ate a Reese's Peanut

Butter Cup. Back then, they were big enough to live on for a week.

Being the only soldier to have survived the battle in my brigade, I

really didn't know if I could eat it or not, but I remember my fallen

buddy's words as he died in my arms: "Paul, if you just take one bite at

a time you can tackle anything." So I took that giant cup and, breaking

it with the bat Babe Ruth gave me after I struck him out with two outs

in the bottom of the ninth in the seventh game of the World Series,

proceeded to wolf down the tiny morsels."

9. David B. Haight: "Imagine 70 years ago on a rough road between

Idaho and Logan. There were no Circle K's, no 7-11's. You had to bring

your Peanut Butter Cups with you. Ruby and I split one for the first

time in 1937.

8. Dallin H. Oaks: "The Reese's Peanut Butter Cup challenges us to

consume. From the beginning there have been three steps in eating a

Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. First, remove the wrapper. This is best

done quickly, by turning the cup over, grasping the outer fold and

pulling away from the bottom. Second..."

7. Joseph B. Wirthlin: "When I was young I would sprint to the corner

store, buy a Reese's and run my hand through my hair before taking it

down in one bite. These days I don't sprint, and I have no hair, but the

peanut butter cup remains."

6. Richard G. Scott: "If you have not eaten a Reese's Peanut Butter

Cup, I plead with you. Eat one now. Enjoy the chocolate, the peanut

butter. Do not delay. If you have thought, "That's not for me", I

plead with you to reconsider. Of all foods I treasure, this one was the

first."

5. M. Russell Ballard: "The time has come when members of the church

need to reach out to our friends and share a cup, a peanut butter cup.

It is not enough to raise a chocolate bar, it must now have peanut

butter."

4. Thomas S. Monson: "I remember I ate my first Reese's Peanut Butter

Cup when I was a tender lad of eight. My mother came up to me, and with

a loving twinkle in her eye, asked, 'Tommy, are you eating a Reese's?'

And I would invariably smile up to her, 'Yes, Yes, I am.'

'But Tommy, did you know that Sister Jensen next door hasn't eaten a

Reese's Cup in years?' My young mind thought upon the plight of my

neighbor. Tears were shed. Hearts were gladdened. A cup was shared."

3. Boyd K. Packer: "In all my years, I have always eaten my Reese's

Peanut Butter Cups the same way - the established way we have been

instructed to eat them. There is a far greater evil in this world -

those who believe they can eat their cups in a way unconventional to the

time-honored manner. We must be true and faithful and eat our Reese's

Peanut Butter Cups in the customary and recognized approach as it has

been established."

2. Neal A. Maxwell: "I intentionally initiate the delicious design of

deglutition of the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup by nibbling a negligible

nit of the culinary creamy cavalcade. It is exclusively through small

entities that the great things are fabricated."

AND THE #1 WAY

1. J. Golden Kimball: "Hell, Heber, I'll eat a Reese's Peanut Butter

Cup any damned way I want!"

Extremely clever and funny. I could envision just about each of these general authorities saying these things with their particular voices. It was one of those moments when I laughed out loud by myself, which is somewhat rare. I usually only laugh in the company of others.

[Tsuzuki]

"All chocolate is independent in that sphere in which God has placed it, to act for itself, as all peanut butter also; otherwise there is no existence."

- D&C 93:30

"The glory of God is Reese's, or, in other words, peanut butter and chocolate.

Peanut butter and chocolate forsake that evil one."

- D&C 93:36-37

[ed2276]

Moses 1 :

33 And Reese's Peanut Butter Cups without number have I created; and I also created them for mine own purpose; and by the Son I created them, which is mine Only Begotten.

34 And the first man of all men have I called Adam, which is many.

35 But only an account of this earth, and the Reese's thereof, give I unto you. For behold, there are many cups that have passed away by the word of my power. And there are many that now stand, and innumerable are they unto man; but all candies are numbered unto me, for they are mine Reese's and I know them.

[California]

This is too good not to share. It is from Blixa at MD.

Priceless!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Paul Ray]

In the beginning (of the beginning) God created chocolate and peanut butter.

And the peanut butter was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the peanuts.

And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the peanuts,

And God said: Let there be Reese's, and there was Reese's.

And God saw the Reese's, that it was good: and God divided the Reese's from the darkness.

- Genesis 1:1-4 (before corrupt scribes removed the mention of Reese's)

[Tsuzuki]

"Even so peanut butter, if it hath not chocolate, is dead, being alone.

Yea, a man may say, Thou hast peanut butter, and I have chocolate: shew me thy peanut butter without thy chocolate, and I will shew thee my peanut butter in my chocolate."

- James 2:17-18

[ed2276]

D&C 130

18 Whatever number of Reese's we attain unto in this life, it will rise with us in the resurrection.

19 And if a person gains more chocolate and peanut butter in this life through his diligence and obedience than another, he will have so many more Reese's Peanut Butter Cups in the world to come.

"Even so peanut butter, if it hath not chocolate, is dead, being alone.

Yea, a man may say, Thou hast peanut butter, and I have chocolate: shew me thy peanut butter without thy chocolate, and I will shew thee my peanut butter in my chocolate."

- James 2:17-18

[Tsuzuki]

I'm hungry.

[Dan Vogel]

LOL @ Bill Keller and Sandra Tanner.

Dan Vogel: Joseph Smith didn't really have any Reese's. He may have made a makeshift deception out of tomato paste. The witnesses then experienced a group hallucination in which they thought they were eating Reese's, but they really didn't. David Whitmer later said he ate the Reese's with his spiritual mouth, not with his physical mouth.

Bill McKeever: I am not anti-Reese's. I actually love Reese's-eaters very much, which is why I want them to stop their destructive habit. I'd hate to see them have to go to fat camp for all eternity.

Don't forget! No one has found the factory where these alleged Reeses were supposedly made.

[cjcampbell]

2 Nephi 29:3-5,6,10

3 And because my words shall hiss forthâ??many of the Gentiles shall say: A Peanut Butter Cup! A Peanut Butter Cup! We have got a Peanut Butter Cup, and there cannot be any more Peanut Butter Cup.

4 But thus saith the Lord God: O fools, they shall have a Peanut Butter Cup; and it shall proceed forth from Reeses, mine ancient covenant candy manufacturer. And what thank they Reeses for the Peanut Butter Cup which they receive from them? Yea, what do the Gentiles mean? Do they remember the travails, and the labors, and the pains of Reeses and Hershey, and their diligence unto me, in bringing forth chocolate and peanut butter unto the Gentiles?

â?¢ â?¢ â?¢

6 Thou fool, that shall say: A Peanut Butter Cup, we have got a Peanut Butter Cup, and we need no more Peanut Butter Cups. Have ye obtained a Peanut Butter Cup save it were by Reeses?

â?¢ â?¢ â?¢

10 Wherefore, because that ye have a Peanut Butter Cup ye need not suppose that it contains all my peanut butter; neither need ye suppose that it contains all my chocolate; neither need ye suppose that I have not caused more to be delivered unto you.

[Chris Smith]

Don't forget! No one has found the factory where these alleged Reeses were supposedly made.

That's OK. Joseph Smith only said that his candies "purported" to be Reese's, so if they were really brussell sprouts then he wasn't technically wrong.

2 Nephi 29:3-5,6,10

10 Wherefore, because that ye have a Peanut Butter Cup ye need not suppose that it contains all my peanut butter; neither need ye suppose that it contains all my chocolate; neither need ye suppose that I have not caused more to be delivered unto you.

The Lord can deliver all the Reese's he wants to my house. I have an open candy... er, I mean canon.

[Pahoran]

16. Pahoran: "Your chocolate shell doesn't hide your peanut butter filling. It's not nice to pretend to be one thing but then be another. See that you don't do it again!"

Nice try, but you need more disdain. Try it like this:

"So you come parading in here, all smarmy and chocolatey, but as soon as we scratch the surface, what do we find? Yet another lump of peanut butter masquerading as an oh-so-sincere piece of chocolate that has 'just a couple of little questions.' Do you have any idea how often we have seen your ilk around here?

"It didn't work. Go back and ask your PB buddies for more tips on how to impersonate a chocolate."

Regards,

Pahoran

[maklelan]

Don't forget! No one has found the factory where these alleged Reeses were supposedly made.

Is it possible that it was really frothy chocolate mousse instead of peanut butter inside the cup? We all know that much peanut butter would weigh too much to carry around for several miles in a sack. Plus the witnesses never actually saw the peanut butter. It was under the chocolate the whole time, they just "saw" it with their spiritual eyes. And where is the peanut butter today? Joseph Smith ate it? Oh, how convenient.

[Chris Smith]

Is it possible that it was really frothy chocolate mousse instead of peanut butter inside the cup? We all know that much peanut butter would weigh too much to carry around for several miles in a sack. Plus the witnesses never actually saw the peanut butter. It was under the chocolate the whole time, they just "saw" it with their spiritual eyes. And where is the peanut butter today? Joseph Smith ate it? Oh, how convenient.

lol

[Maidservant]

I'm laughing so hard I can't breathe!! Yippee, I was hoping somebody would do a Nibley! (With footnotes!)

Primary children during singing time: "Teach me, teach me, to eat peanut butter cups right!"

For the Strength of the Youth: Make the decision now which candy bar you are going to eat. That commitment you make right now as to how you will eat a Reese's peanut butter cup is going to affect the rest of your life. Surround yourself with the best kinds of candy.

Halestorm: "Reese's Peanut Butter Cup: The Best Two Seconds" (Starring Kirby Heybourne . . .)

[Severian]

Has anyone considered the possibility of a limited distribution model for the peanut butter cup? Wait, sorry... we only need to use that if someone tries to trace that last batch of chocolate.

Okay, here is the real stuff: There was not only one, but two different peanut butter cup repositories. One in Upstate New York and another at an indeterminate location.

[Thinking]

Nice try...

Thanks.

...but you need more disdain.

I'll work on it.

[Tsuzuki]

Don't forget! No one has found the factory where these alleged Reeses were supposedly made.

Someone snuck into the temple factory and took this footage.

[Doctor Steuss]

Chaos: You just got peanut butter in my chocolate. Three day suspension. ~mods

[consiglieri]

A certain poster who used to work at a certain chicken establishment converses with Consiglieri about Reeseâ??s:

Consiglieri: If you read the ingredients on the label you will see that it contains both chocolate and peanut butter.

Certain Poster: There is not peanut butter in Reeseâ??s. You need to read the label more slowly. Hereâ??s a statement from the SBC that explains it. Visit my website for more. I love you!

Brilliant!

The only thing I can add would be this concluding thought from your "certain poster":

Certain Poster: "I have to run, now. I'm late for work at the Hershey's plant. "

*Certain Poster never posts again on this thread, but starts three more in its stead.*

All the Best!

--Consiglieri

[selek]

You people are irreverent, impertinent, and disrespectful.

It's an honor <sniff>, to know you.

And the all important, most coveted, fourth .

[jumbo]

Tsuzuki: "Even so peanut butter, if it hath not chocolate, is dead, being alone.

Yea, a man may say, Thou hast peanut butter, and I have chocolate: shew me thy peanut butter without thy chocolate, and I will shew thee my peanut butter in my chocolate."

- James 2:17-18

Hahaha, this is so funny and yet true

I should do some .

23 And I did read many kinds of Reese's unto them which were eaten in the books of Moses; but that I might more fully persuade them to believe in the greatness of Reese's I did read unto them the Reese's which was eaten by the prophet Isaiah; for I did liken all Reese's unto us, that it might be for our profit and hunger.

- 1 Nephi 19:23

28 O that cunning plan of the evil one! O the vainness, and the frailties, and the foolishness of men! When they are hungered they think they are wise, and they hearken not unto the goodness of Reese's, for they set it aside, supposing they know of themselves, wherefore, their wisdom is foolishness and it profiteth them not. And they shall parish

29 But to be hungry is good if they hearken unto the Reese's.

- 2 Nephi 9:28-29

21 And now as I said concerning Reese's-Reese's is not to have a perfect knowledge of peanut butter, therefore if ye have Reese's ye hope for peanut butter which is not seen which is true.

- Alma 32:21

[buraianto]

Moses 1

38 And as one chocolate shall pass away, and the peanut butter thereof even so shall another come; and there is no end to my works, neither to my Reeses.

...

41 And in a day when the children of men shall esteem my peanut butter as naught and take much of it from the chocolate which thou shalt eat, behold, I will raise up another like unto Reeses; and it shall be eaten again among the children of men—among as many as shall believe.