Damien the Leper Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Excerpt from The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World; Stage 3: Cultivating Authenticity; Chapter 14: Skills for Living an Authentic Life, pp. 177-79. Dr. Alan Downs.Contentment over approvalSkill: Choose those investments in life that contribute to your sense of feeling contentment, rather than those investments of your time and energy that promise to earn you the acceptance or approval of others.Background: Since we were young boys, most of us were heavily focused on winning the acceptance of others to compensate for that inner feeling of being unacceptable, perhaps even unlovable. As men, we can continue this pattern by choosing careers, partners, and friends based on what we imagine will make us more acceptable to others rather than those things that are intrinsically rewarding to us. Putting the effects of shame behind you and getting your life back on track to authenticity demands that you examine all of your emotional investments for their "intrinsic" value to bring you contentment versus their "extrinsic" value to bring you acceptance and the approval of others. Only those that increase and support your contentment will ultimately bring you joy and fulfillment; all others will drain you of energy and time that could be spent doing something that brings a far more meaningful return.Jim is an artist who makes a decent living selling his paintings in local galleries. He's not getting rich, by any stretch, but he pays his bills and loves the fact that this time is his own and he doesn't have to report to a boss. On several occasions, he has had the opportunity to take other jobs, particularly in the field of graphic and website design. These jobs pay better than what he can make from his art but would require that he work on projects that are assigned as opposed to working on his own art. He's often been tempted to take a job so he could have money to do some of the extras, like take a great vacation, fix up his house, or drive a nice car.It's not that there's anything innately wrong with Jim taking a job, and at some point it might even be wise. However, the right job for Jim has to offer him the ability to express his artistic talents in a way that brings him contentment rather than just a paycheck. While the latter might make him feel more accepted and successful, in the long run it's likely to make him unhappy and dissatisfied with his life.The most important thing to remember about this skill is that contentment is created when your behavior is consistent with your values. When you act in ways that are consistent with the core of who you are, even when your actions aren't approved by others, you increase your overall contentment. Happiness, success, money, relationships, and even the approval of others will come and go in your life, but what is ultimately satisfying is feeling content--regardless of these more transitory highs and lows. Making the decision to act according to your core values rather than what brings approval from others makes you more content in life.______________________________________________________________________________I chose to share this excerpt because since reading it more than a week ago for the first time, I have had to go back and re-read it every day since. It is constantly on my mind. I find that this advice highly rings true for me because for such a long time I believed that my happiness was dependent upon the acceptance and validation of others, especially family and religious institutions. Such an assertion on my part was in fact an outright lie. To make things worse, I deluded myself into believing that validation was in some way synonymous with love. Again, an outright lie.
Mark Beesley Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 What is this, the Mormon Dialogue & Discussion . . . Oh, and & Occasional Psychology Today Discussion Board?
Damien the Leper Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 Is this a disguised plea for validation? Of course not.
Damien the Leper Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 What is this, the Mormon Dialogue & Discussion . . . Oh, and & Occasional Psychology Today Discussion Board?This isn't the first time that psychology has been brought up on the board nor is it the first that didn't exclusively have to do with Mormonism. If you don't care for the subject matter, you're welcome to post on another thread as opposed to obvious whining.
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