Reconnecting With Family

[Messenger]

Server Double Post -

Edited July 24, 2011 by Messenger

[Messenger]

I know this has been a topic of discussion with other people here on this board. But I thought I would bring it up again, this time for me. For some strange reason I've been thinking a lot about my ex-wife and kids. This probably came about because my son, who is 18, spend a week with me on his vacation a few months ago. They are inactive. And, to be honest, I could see that happening with my ex-wife, but it was difficult to see that in my son. Further, there is a family reunion coming up in August with relatives from my side of the family who are all non-members. Oddly enough, my son goes to those. Every time I go I feel I get the fifth degree from several relatives. They always try and make me feel bad by commenting on how their son has the kids, and they remind me that I should too. My ex-wife is not a bad person, and logically would find it difficult to ever get custody if my kids away from thier mother, especially when she is not a bad person. Plus the kids have an excellent support mechanism where they live with my parents, and my ex-wife parents helping out. There is nobody here in Idaho.

I guess my point in writing this is why part of me wants to go to my family reunion when all I do is get attacked from my Dad, Brother, Sister, and other relatives. Maybe I want to see my kids again, but man, thats a ton to deal with regarding my relatives. Part of me wants to convince them that I am not the evil person, dad, man, that they all claim I am. I care deeply about people in thier situations, and give a lot of time and work into helping others. Does a man sacrifice all he believes in to satisfy the requests of family? I know I dont, and wouldn't, but I wonder why they think that?

[rpn]

Can you deflect it with humor. Tell them you are coming but you aren't bad and your ex isn't bad and you are going to collect $5 bills from family members who feel compelled to comment on your business, and you are hoping that you will NOT have enough to buy a $5 present for the kiddos. Tell them at the end of the reunion, you'll divide the money you collect among those who resisted the temptation. Even invite them to email their questions/concerns before the reunion if they are just dying to but into your business (though you won't promise to answer). If you do ask for the $5 until you get paid from the first two people who bring it up, you aren't likely to have to try to collect it from anyone else, because everyone will get that you are "serious" about it.

[sweetpotatoh]

I know this has been a topic of discussion with other people here on this board. But I thought I would bring it up again, this time for me. For some strange reason I've been thinking a lot about my ex-wife and kids. This probably came about because my son, who is 18, spend a week with me on his vacation a few months ago. They are inactive. And, to be honest, I could see that happening with my ex-wife, but it was difficult to see that in my son. Further, there is a family reunion coming up in August with relatives from my side of the family who are all non-members. Oddly enough, my son goes to those. Every time I go I feel I get the fifth degree from several relatives. They always try and make me feel bad by commenting on how their son has the kids, and they remind me that I should too. My ex-wife is not a bad person, and logically would find it difficult to ever get custody if my kids away from thier mother, especially when she is not a bad person. Plus the kids have an excellent support mechanism where they live with my parents, and my ex-wife parents helping out. There is nobody here in Idaho.

I guess my point in writing this is why part of me wants to go to my family reunion when all I do is get attacked from my Dad, Brother, Sister, and other relatives. Maybe I want to see my kids again, but man, thats a ton to deal with regarding my relatives. Part of me wants to convince them that I am not the evil person, dad, man, that they all claim I am. I care deeply about people in thier situations, and give a lot of time and work into helping others. Does a man sacrifice all he believes in to satisfy the requests of family? I know I dont, and wouldn't, but I wonder why they think that?

Messenger. Sounds like a tough situation. I know that family can be hard to deal with if they are critical of the situation and aren't shy about sharing their feelings. I don't have any advice except to say that if you decide to go you may want to fast and/or attend the temple seeking blessings on how to best deal with the critical elements of your family while at the reunion.

From personal experience I have some critical members of my family and they can be hard to deal with. I have learned the best way to approach them is in a way that leaves me feeling good about how I handled the situation. This usually involves just keeping my mouth shut and apologizing. I also try to picture how Christ would handle the situation and keep that foremost in my mind. I also keep in mind that I have been critical before and that the best thing to do is just act with love and long suffering. Easier said then done.

[Messenger]

Thanks for the posts. In the past I've kept my mouth shut. But, when they call your religion polygamist, non-Christian, and give me grief about how much money we spend on temples, and a lot more, there's not much point spending hundreds of dollars, taking time off work and putting several thousand miles on my car to enjoy listening to that. They seem to love it when you walk away too. I will say it’s not just me though. There aren’t very many of my generation and younger that go anymore to them.

Mostly the public criticism comes from my Aunt Jennie. She is from England, and from a wealthy family. She immigrated to America when she found a husband, my uncle. She will often try to discuss personal matters in a public forum at the reunion. But she loves poking me about my religion. I’ve never liked debate, especially with family at a family reunion. To me, it’s supposed to be about people seeing each other again. When I have responded to her comments in a positive way, she gets huffy, and attacks harder. It really sets a negative tone and everyone moves to another campsite or walks away. That’s not fun at all.

I may write her a letter explaining how I feel and put it in the most positive light I can. It would be nice for someone in my family to actually try to get to know me before condemning me. Come to think of it, this is exactly why I don’t have anything to do with my family. I realize that ADHD people are probably a bit more sensitive to criticism than others, and I certainly have my share of that. And no doubt, that’s probably one huge reason why I struggle so much with this.

On the bright side, I have a lot to be thankful for. And I keep counting those blessing all the time to remind myself just how blessed I am. I’m sure there was a reason why I was born into this family; perhaps I need to focus on that instead.

After thinking about it some more, I think I will send a newsletter about myself to a few select members of my family that have not been negative about me. That seems to be the answer to this problem. Thanks everyone for helping me figure this out.

Edited July 25, 2011 by Messenger

[katherine the great]

I guess I don't understand why you have to attend a family reunion in order to see your own children. I'd skip it and just see the kids at a different time and place.

[CARPE DIEM]

Messenger, I would go as everyone's friend and not as family! Try it, don't discuss anything other than who is having a good time, get envolved with everyone else and their life and keep yours out of the visit! Enjoy! CD

[Messenger]

I guess I don't understand why you have to attend a family reunion in order to see your own children.

I dont have to, and I do see them. I just had my son out for a long visit. But I suppose its never enough is it?

[Messenger]

Messenger, I would go as everyone's friend and not as family! Try it, don't discuss anything other than who is having a good time, get envolved with everyone else and their life and keep yours out of the visit! Enjoy! CD

Thats a nice dream. ..... Thinking I am everyone's friend, when you are in fact everyone's enemy. Perhaps if I didnt have these memories, I could actually feel like that, for a short time anyways.

[Messenger]

Still thinking about this - How could I not with ADHD! LOL

My thoughts this morning are how paradoxical the term "Family Reunion" is at least in my family. We all meet once a year and separate even further!

But I suppose there could be an opportunity to be an example to others. Maybe, just trying to have fun, and not allowing the serious nature of our beliefs get in the way of being together. It is difficult, my son whom I blessed and gave his name when he was a baby, just last visit asked me to leave the church and come back with him, so that I could be accepted again. My response was, "Accepted by who? ... those that dont believe the things I know to be true?" "Would that be a good decision?" He thought about it for a while. In the end, my son acknowleged our differences. In my mind, its a start. I'm trying to figure out any benefit this family reunion may have to those that dont even come close to the connection my son and I have. Perhaps its just giving them the opportunity to choose a different way of thinking, but it seems like an impossible task.

Edited July 26, 2011 by Messenger

[katherine the great]

I dont have to, and I do see them. I just had my son out for a long visit. But I suppose its never enough is it?

Maybe I misread your post. It sounded like you only really wanted to go in order to see your children. If that's the case, there are many other ways to see them without having to endure cruel insults from extended family.

[Jeff K.]

I am the only member in my family. I don't feel any compuction about going or not going. I enjoy the company when I am there, but I will be honest, family reunions have never been a big thing for me. I think the hardest part is about being apart from children. A divorce does a great deal to break the emotional and loving bond we have with our wives. But our children, that is an entirely different thing, and I can see how such a thing as a reunion makes it incredibly hard on us as fathers.

I offer no suggestion other than endure to the end. If you feel the family reunions are important, find some of the "key" communicators, get on their good side, and explain the pain you feel. I think this will do much to quell the issue. If you have no confidence in anyone in your family to see and help you, then perhaps not going might be an option.

[Messenger]

Well, I found out I have no vacation time left .... so that makes that decision simple.

[Messenger]

Maybe I misread your post. It sounded like you only really wanted to go in order to see your children. If that's the case, there are many other ways to see them without having to endure cruel insults from extended family.

They are about 1200 miles a way, so everything has to be planned well in advance. In the past, my ex has made it difficult on the kids for agreeing to visit. So, I do see them as often as I can, but its never enough. The only reason my son wants to visit is because I pay for the round trip flight (to appease my ex) and the fact that he is 18 and wants to know more about me (a bit of a rebel - and mom has less control now that he is 18). My daughter and I have conversations on the phone, but to be honest, is mired in the family politics which makes it impossible for me to actually spend any time at all with her, even though I have every legal right. This is something that a lot of people have a hard time understanding unless you have been divorced. And I know hatemail will now be posted on this forum about this. I will put in a request to close the post so I dont have to read it.

[Skylla]

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Mormon Dialogue & Discussion Board Staff