How long?

[Bill “Papa” Lee]

Last Friday, I woke again in a hospital. What made this different, I woke of defibrillator pads on my chest, and back ribs. I am back at home, also thankful to be alive, but wondering how long must my wife endure these difficulties. I am of course (once again) on complete bed rest, and it all began (without us knowing) with dangerously high fevers, due to have both the flu and pneumonia. Too often I avoid telling my wife I am sick, because I had had three lifetimes of hospitalizations. This of brings on other problems when, due to Sarcoidosis, an auto amuse disease (a disease in the “Lupus Family”), which causes the body to attack the body.  Of course, to me total bed rest seems like a prison sentence at times, all I can do, is watch TV, or type treads, ask and answer questions, most of the time read. I read much almost daily, usually Scriptures, Historical books, articles, etc. You would think it would improve my writing skills on this website, or any other, but not so. Unless I am writing poetry, short stories, a few of which have been published. One such story is due to come out in a book about, The City of Atlanta, a subject I know very well. In fact, years ago, I wrote a poem about the City of Atlanta, which to this day  hangs in the office of the Mayor. About two years ago, I posted it in a website for people who have lived in Atlanta all, or most of their lives. I have received 1,000’s if comments, 10,000’s of likes, last time I looked in, a year or two ago.
 

The reality, for those like myself who are disabled to a large degree, suffering from severe diabetes, and the before mentioned disease, places like this allow me to communicate with others beyond my home. Or on very difficult days, to communicate beyond my own bed that is made specifically for my comfort. It is clear, I am not a favorite of most, but I do have my favorites. To a large degree other than the few Sunday’s, I am able to attend, this is a type of Ward to me, even a type of extended friends or family, having lost so many in the past year. What truly keeps me grounded is the fact, that Church or not, all of my family come for Sunday Dinner. This means all eighteen of them, my wife, my children and spouses, and all nine grandchildren, it is loud, and it is wonderful. However, I now cannot miss the worry in their faces, no matter how hard they try to conceal it from me. As always, I get hugs all around, as their Daddy and Papa is big on hugs, just like my wife, and certainly bigger on, I Love You’s”. But, now the hugs are getting longer, tighter, with eyes filled with worry. At this point, if my wife calls any of our children after 8:30PM, their reply (instead of hello) “Is Dad alright”? I hate causing them such worry, and such concern. The older grandchildren are picking up on this, all but the on her mission (still waiting for a VISA to Peru. I want her to keep focused, and unafraid. 
 

Again, God bless you every one…wait that’s Tiny Tim

 

Love ya, Papa 
 

Enough about this, just writing to you guys in thanks. I am thankful this website is still here, I am also thankful for you being here. God bless you all, or as we say in the South, “Ya’ll”. ❤️

[Calm]

45 minutes ago, Bill “Papa” Lee said:

but wondering how long must my wife endure these difficulties. I am of course (once again) on complete bed rest, and it all began (without us knowing) with dangerously high fevers, due to have both the flu and pneumonia. Too often I avoid telling my wife I am sick, because I had had three lifetimes of hospitalizations.

Help her out by telling her rather than making the mistake of being stoic.  You will avoid the hospital more and make things easier for your wife.  You might have been able to protect her in the past by doing this, but nowadays, to be blunt, you can only protect her by telling her accurately how you feel.  I know it’s overcoming the habit of a lifetime, but if you truly want to spare her pain, tell her when you feel off, sick, lightheaded, wheezy, whatever.  That is the loving thing to do now.

And if you feel bad about it, feel that it puts a downer on the day, balance it out by making your good days a big deal, tell her when you feel better than usual.

My husband does the same thing, which is why you are getting this lecture.  I hate that he does this and it causes me more pain than if he was honest about it.  Instead I don’t trust him in this area and have to constantly be pushing him to tell me how he feels.  Also I get to wonder if he does this because he feels my openness about my health is a burden.  Which makes me doubt myself and hate my own issues.  Maybe your wife doesn’t have health issues, but she would like to share about other difficulties in her life and she doesn’t because your behaviour has communicated to her you don’t want to deal  with unpleasant things or some other reason that makes her worry that she needs to protect you or whatever.

It sucks when my husband tries to protect me when I have asked him not to.  It is treating me as a child who doesn’t know what is best for myself.  If your wife has asked you to be more open about how you are feeling, you are being selfish not to share.  You are prioritizing your feelings of pride in being able to protect her over her need to know how to help you stay out of dangerous situations. 
 

Sorry, if this feels offensive, but my dad was like this, my husband and my son and it is wrong.  It creates more worry than it saves.  If you love your wife, protect her by telling her how you really feel.

Edited November 17, 2023 by Calm

[Bill “Papa” Lee]

2 hours ago, Calm said:

Help her out by telling her rather than making the mistake of being stoic.  You will avoid the hospital more and make things easier for your wife.  You might have been able to protect her in the past by doing this, but nowadays, to be blunt, you can only protect her by telling her accurately how you feel.  I know it’s overcoming the habit of a lifetime, but if you truly want to spare her pain, tell her when you feel off, sick, lightheaded, wheezy, whatever.  That is the loving thing to do now.

And if you feel bad about it, feel that it puts a downer on the day, balance it out by making your good days a big deal, tell her when you feel better than usual.

My husband does the same thing, which is why you are getting this lecture.  I hate that he does this and it causes me more pain than if he was honest about it.  Instead I don’t trust him in this area and have to constantly be pushing him to tell me how he feels.  Also I get to wonder if he does this because he feels my openness about my health is a burden.  Which makes me doubt myself and hate my own issues.  Maybe your wife doesn’t have health issues, but she would like to share about other difficulties in her life and she doesn’t because your behaviour has communicated to her you don’t want to deal  with unpleasant things or some other reason that makes her worry that she needs to protect you or whatever.

It sucks when my husband tries to protect me when I have asked him not to.  It is treating me as a child who doesn’t know what is best for myself.  If your wife has asked you to be more open about how you are feeling, you are being selfish not to share.  You are prioritizing your feelings of pride in being able to protect her over her need to know how to help you stay out of dangerous situations. 
 

Sorry, if this feels offensive, but my dad was like this, my husband and my son and it is wrong.  It creates more worry than it saves.  If you love your wife, protect her by telling her how you really feel.

Thank, certainly something I need to hear, and advice I need to listen to, a lot. The sad thing is, that after a hospital stay, when I start getting better, or stronger, or both. I typically turn back to that man, one who feels the needs only to just punch his way out of any circumstance, or one that sees complaining as a sign weakness. You know, the things other men do, but not you (meaning me) you. I spent 8 years active duty in the Army, 2 years in the reserves, doing various dangerous work. The for Twenty-three years as a Police Officer, many days very much more dangerous. Both  jobs that give us confidence that, not only can not only see trouble coming, but defeat when it arises! 
 

Prior to May 21, 2012, I was a retired Policer Officer, City of Atlanta (with a pension), I taught Electrical Theory & Mathematics, 2-4 at night each week, for 25 years, at Chattahoochee Technical College. All of this while working a full time job, where I was very well paid job, helping design and Inspect, one of the largest projects of its kind, in the Southeast. 
 

Due to my various close calls, I listed a week or two ago, I just never expected to live into my 60’s. I worked, and worked myself almost to death. Forget the number of times I have been shot at, the many aircraft crashes, and emergency landings, but here I am. I don’t want to leave my wife alone when I die. My hope is that whenever it comes, she will be there to see me, and grieve the loss. 

[Calm]

50 minutes ago, Bill “Papa” Lee said:

I typically turn back to that man, one who feels the needs only to just punch his way out of any circumstance, or one that sees complaining as a sign weakness. You know, the things other men do

I do know and that is why it is so understandable when it happens.  But it is so very counterproductive, especially for your wife in this situation.  If you are ever tempted not to say anything, imagine how your wife feels when she has found you unconscious on the ground and ask yourself would she feel worse than that if you were open now.  If you conclude the worse is finding you unconscious (you would be right), then grit your teeth and complain like a real smart man does.

[Bill “Papa” Lee]

14 hours ago, Calm said:

I do know and that is why it is so understandable when it happens.  But it is so very counterproductive, especially for your wife in this situation.  If you are ever tempted not to say anything, imagine how your wife feels when she has found you unconscious on the ground and ask yourself would she feel worse than that if you were open now.  If you conclude the worse is finding you unconscious (you would be right), then grit your teeth and complain like a real smart man does.

Again, so very true. You are a wise sage, and this is important for all men. Sadly, for most men we see our function as fixers. If something breaks we fix it, not to mention the fact that most are used to giving aide and helping others, while being moved by charity. However, we are awful at accepting charity from anyone else. Just this morning, members of my Elder’s Quorum, which includes my three sons, arrived to tackle my rather large yard. In addition, they hauled of at lot of clutter from my back yard, from remodeling projects. Despite my bed rest, I felt compelled to go outside, to see it I could help, or profusely telling others “Thank You”. My sons kept telling, “Dad, go back to your bed, you can barely walk”. This until my oldest son, threatened to carry me back inside. Again, it is so hard to be on the receiving end of “Charity, the pure love of Christ”. After a lifetime of being the giver, or the many of the go to brothers in the Quorum. 
 

I know the things I must endure, is one of the ways that the Lord teaches us humility, patience, and willing to accept help. But, I seem to be a slow learner. As for what I tell my wife, that message has been received. I can’t see the hurt anymore, when I wake up in a hospital, as she is crying tears of joy, when I wake. Or tears of fear and panic, by being blindsided with sudden collapses, or uncertain diagnosis. Now, I were a device on my arm, so that every time I check my blood sugar (with my phone), it sends my numbers to her phone. Also, after last time, she has me on camera 24/7, while I am sitting up, while I am sleeping, and when I go into the kitchen, etc. it has taken time to get used to it, but soon I will forget that the cameras are always watching. I now have a loop recording device, that monitors my heart, and sends signals to a device by my bed. This way my doctor, or the company can monitor my heart 24/7. My goal now, is to give my wife all the information she needs, so that hopefully I will have her and my family by my side in my final days. Be it soon, or until my body can no longer hold my soul. My wife is a CNA, which means can care for me very well. I just need to let her care for me as she is trained to do, and would do anyway out of love. 
 

Thanks be to the Lord, I married a wonderful woman. She is and always been, and still is my soulmate. She has given me four wonderful children. Our oldest child, she already had, so I adopted her. That beautiful child who has been mine since the age of one, has given me five beautiful grandchildren. My two sons (when I said three sons before, I think of my son-in-law as my son) have given me four more granddaughters. My wife and I now have nine grandchildren, eight of them are girls, and we have one grandson, named after me. His middle name, “William” (my Christian name). Anyway, my wife and I take care of our new granddaughter, her name is Lacy, just seven months. While our oldest granddaughter, “Macy”, age 20…is serving a mission in L.A., awaiting her visa for Peru. I have much to live for, but still I so very tired, so very often.
 

I hate to ramble on so, but you always seem interested, and eager to give wonderful wisdom filled advice. Thank you so very much “CALM”. You are a wonderful treasure here, and in a world that is always spinning out of control. As always, God love you. I know we all do! 

[Calm]

16 hours ago, Bill “Papa” Lee said:

Sadly, for most men we see our function as fixers. If something breaks we fix it, not to mention the fact that most are used to giving aide and helping others, while being moved by charity.

This is a common attribute of women as well.  And it can be extremely hard for a woman to ask for help, even at times from her husband, especially when it comes to housework or helping with the kids if she is a stay at home mom and even if she isn’t (which is one reason why moms are still doing more housework and child care than dads even when they earn more money than the fathers).

So I think your wife and most women in our culture can understand your feelings both on a personal level and often seeing their menfolk act in similar ways.

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My goal now, is to give my wife all the information she needs, 

I am glad to hear that, one last word of caution…let her decide what information she needs to know.  You are now aware of how quickly things can turn with diabetes, maybe with your other issues too, so you know that waiting until it feels obvious you are in trouble may prevent her and you making easy changes that could mean less work for the two of you to get you stable again.  She may even be able to better understand what is coming than you do in that moment because your thought process may be foggy, plus her professional training.

Wish you have many, many good years to come with your wife and family.  Given the medical help and the timing of your wife finding you at crucial moments, it seems like the Lord wants you to be with them.

I only have two children with three grandchildren and will very unlikely get any more.  I am envious that you have so many to love though mine fill my life to overflowing.

Edited November 19, 2023 by Calm