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The Other 13 Articles Of Faith


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(Found on the Internet, author unknown)

1. We believe that elders should move pianos, washers, dryers, and multiple pound bags of storage wheat through narrow hallways, tight door jams, and at least one flight of stairs.

2. We believe that the Relief Society is called to provide meals for the needy. We do not believe that the priesthood cooks for anyone, except at ward camp-out breakfasts and Dutch-oven meals for more expendable Deacons.

3. We believe in tuna casserole with cream of mushroom soup and potato chip topping, served in a Tupperware dish with a piece of masking tape on the bottom that reads "Jones," "Smith", or "Johnson."

4. We believe that women should stop having children at 35. (36 is just too many)

5. We believe in worshipping professional sports if the contest includes:

A) Any athlete who attended BYU.

B) A Church member as a player, coach, or trainer.

C) Inspirational stories (i.e. John Elway, Tiger Woods, Cal Ripken, etc)

D) Zion's Army (Utah Jazz)

E) Any game that might affect the playoff positioning of any team in A-D

6. We believe that drinking caffeinated drinks is not a violation of the Word of Wisdom, as long as they are cold.

7. We believe that ward phone lists are good multi-level marketing tools.

8. We believe in kicking our boys out of the house at 19 - girls at 21, if they're not engaged - and sending them to a foreign country - like Chile, Japan, France, or New Jersey. We believe in sending them dozens of stale cookies and in tricking postal robbers by mailing one shoe at a time.

9. We believe that Sunday drives are okay, as long as they're not on a speedboat or dirt bike.

10. We believe in enduring to the end of high counselors' talks.

11. We believe that sleeping on the floor during General Conference is okay; after all, we can read every talk in the conference issue of the Ensign.

12. We believe that no meeting of the Relief Society is allowed without tablecloth and centerpiece. We also believe that if the aforementioned meeting does not take place on Sunday; brownies are not optional.

13. We believe that the variety with which one creates Jell-O salads is directly proportional to the level of glory attained after this life.

Telestial: green Jell-O and whipped cream

Terrestrial: green Jell-O + carrot shavings

Celestial: green Jell-O + walnuts + raisins + cashews + cranberries

Note: The highest level of the Celestial kingdom can only be attained by those who have used Jell-O molds and have, somewhere throughout the course of their life, used Jell-O as an appetizer, side dish, between meals snack, dessert, and cold-and-flu remedy.

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