Article re "Mixed Orientation Marriage"

[smac97]

Here:

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A married mixed-gender Mormon couple enjoys great sex even though the husband is gay, the couple told the press.

The New York Post said that Brynn Embley, 35, was unconcerned when her husband, Matthew Neilson, 33, told her that he identifies as "gay or pansexual" when they were still dating.

"Pansexual is probably the most accurate — but it doesn't feel all the way right because I am still mostly attracted to men," Neilson detailed, according to UK newspaper the Daily Mail.

Even though Neilson says he's "more attracted to men than women," marriage to a male life partner was out of the question for him since he belongs to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, which, in his view, left him with the option of either spending his life alone and celibate or trying to make it work with a woman.  

According to Embley, it's a plus that their relationship is based less on sexual attraction than on other factors. Even so, the two "still have great sex," the Post article said.

I'm sort of conflicted about the wisdom of members of the Church publicizing their sex lives.  It seems like this only comes up in the context of "mixed orientation marriages" (see below).  The Daily Mail article linked to above goes into more detail.

What do you think?  Should couples in such circumstances publicize such things?

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The couple, who have two children, chalk up their happy intimate life to "weekly sex feedback sessions," the Daily Mail related.

The feedback sessions are "calendared in for every Thursday, where they offer each other feedback and tips," the Mail said.

More essential is their compatibility in other ways. "A lot of my previous relationships revolved around that chemical attraction, not having that be the driving force was refreshing," Embley told the press.

"And it turns out that the sex thing works great, so it all worked out!"

"I had a strong motivation to try really hard to make it work with a woman so that I didn't have to be lonely and celibate for the rest of my life," Neilson said, adding, "It is still not the strongest part of our relationship, it is easy for me to wonder about what I might be missing if I were in a relationship with a man."

"But that being said, we do enjoy having sex and being together in that way, which is a relief!" Neilson said.

The two did split up for a while before eventually marrying because Neilson had feelings for another man, press reports detailed, but the personal connection was too strong to ignore, even if the sexual spark wasn't there.

"There was this mutual feeling of complete and utter happiness — like he was my person," Embley explained.

I hope things continue to work out well for them.

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Tales of Mormon marriages between gay men and straight women come up periodically in the press. Earlier this year, childhood friends Nicholas Applegate and his wife Jordan detailed in a Facebook post how they married in order to follow the teachings of their faith.

"A lot of people at the church were quite surprised when they found out that I'm gay," Nicholas posted, "but they were mainly impressed at the sacrifice I'm making" in order to remain a member of the Mormon faith.

Nicholas went on to add: "I don't endorse mixed-orientation marriages for everyone who deals with same-sex attraction, but for me it has given me more joy and peace than I thought possible."

In the case of Josh and Lolly Weed, the eventual outcome was divorce, but worse was the way the Weeds found the story of their marriage weaponized by people hostile to sexual minorities.

The Weeds apologized in a blog post for the way relatives of LGBTQ+ people had seized on their example "to pressure them to get married to a person of the opposite gender — sometimes even disowning them, saying things like, 'if these two can do it, so can you.'

"Our hearts broke as we learned of the ways our story was used as a battering ram by fearful, uninformed parents and loved ones, desperate to get their children to act in the ways they thought were best," the Weeds added.

The Daily Mail article, like the Applegate story, seems to have an "this works for us" vibe, which for some may create an "...and it can work for you, too!"  Applegate's comment was good: "I don't endorse mixed-orientation marriages for everyone who deals with same-sex attraction, but for me it has given me more joy and peace than I thought possible."

Thoughts?

Thanks,

-Smac

[katherine the great]

Idk. I think their weekly sex feedback sessions are a good idea for all orientation marriages. 

[MrShorty]

4 hours ago, smac97 said:

I'm sort of conflicted about the wisdom of members of the Church publicizing their sex lives.  It seems like this only comes up in the context of "mixed orientation marriages" (see below).  The Daily Mail article linked to above goes into more detail.

What do you think?  Should couples in such circumstances publicize such things?

I'm sort of conflicted, too, but maybe I lean the other way. As long as the community is reasonably sensitive when receiving such information, I think there is some real value in people opening up about sexual differences they are experiencing and how they are working past them. It is said that Pres. Kimball once told a priesthood gathering in Arizona that most divorces he had seen were ultimately caused by sexual differences. I don't know if "most" divorces are "caused" by sexual differences -- I think there is a lot more nuance to the question -- but I think there is value in discussing sexual differences and how to overcome them. Of course, those in mixed orientation marriages are experiences a fairly extreme difference in sexuality, and I find it helpful to hear of their stories and experiences and try to understand how they navigate those differences.

[Calm]

17 minutes ago, MrShorty said:

Of course, those in mixed orientation marriages are experiences a fairly extreme difference in sexuality, and I find it helpful to hear of their stories and experiences and try to understand how they navigate those differences.

I agree, I just wish there was a way to take them seriously without having to share their names so they could remain anonymous. I think public attention, holding oneself or being held up as an example for others can lead to the wrong kind of attention. Relationships can suffer under such scrutiny, criticism, and even praise. Positive stress is still stress.