Why is polygamy such a hot-button topic?

[Zakuska]

Why is Polygamy such a hot topic?

BIG LOVE

[Del March]

Don't worry. We're good.

Good

For me it doesn't matter whether he has a marriage certificate with the other woman or not. The practical effect for me is the same. The marriage relationship is no longer a unique state to us.

Unique to you TWO, no. But it can become unique to you THREE Isn't there a saying along the line of "the more, the merrier" ?

Consequently, fidelity becomes a moot point.

I can see why you think like that. I guess I just have another view of fidelity. For me, fidelity is simply sticking by what you have promised to stick by. There's fidelity to God, fidelity to a spouse, to a cause, to a friend, whatever. As long as you promise to stand by someone or defend something, fidelity is simply respecting that promise.

So if I allow my husband to take another wife, fidelity would become his having only the two of us as emotional and sexual partners. But that's just my opinion, and I completely understand that you might not see it that way at all.

Once the exclusivity is gone, it makes no difference to me who or how many he's with. Our marriage is irrepairably changed/damaged.

IMO: changed, yes, damaged, no, not if the change is done the right way. I don't see change as being automatically equal to damage. Adding another wonderful human being to our marriage could be delightful. It would change our relationship, of course, but not necessarily only in bad ways.

I guess I'm just a hopeless idealist I must be in one of my good days then, because in my bad days, I'm a hopeless cynic

Del

[alannasaunt]

You know, Del?

Give our respective attitudes...this probably means that you will never receive the call to PM and for me it will be the only option available...go figure...

[onelowerlight]

Ok, so since the main issue people seem to be having with polygamy seems to be connected with exclusivity in marital relations, here's my question(s):

What do the scriptures say about exclusivity in a marriage relationship? And how do we implement that?

Of course, the scriptures do talk about exclusivity, (D&C 42:22 comes readily to mind) but what kind of an exclusivity is it? And, how does this understanding from the scriptures apply to what we've been discussing here?

Also, in my typically male way of analyzing things, here are some other questions I'd ask to break things down further:

It what ways is it important to be exclusive with a spouse in a monogamous relationship?

Of these ways, which ones can only be shared between two people and which ones could (conceivably) be shared with multiple spouses / sister wives?

How do things change when the sister wives are getting along and supporting each other, and how do things change when the sister wives become divided?

[alannasaunt]

Why is Polygamy such a hot topic?

BIG LOVE

It looks like I'm not going to be the only comedian today...thank goodness!

[liz3564]

So I am second, and I am happy. I guess that's why I don't fear sharing my husband's heart with another woman, who would be my equal: because we would both be under God anyway. As long as my husband's first priority is God, no woman will ever take first place, and God will incite my husband to take care of me. What more could I ask for ?

Del

Thank you for feeling so comfortable sharing a story so personal.

I think that all of us in the Church who have active husbands at one time or another have truly felt like we are second to God when it comes to him fulfilling his callings. I know that I felt that way when my husband was on the High Council, so I can definitely relate.

And maybe, that's why my view is a little more selfish. (OK...let lightening strike me now! LOL )

Since I already have to share him with God, I don't want to have to share him with another woman, too!

[liz3564]

In what ways is it important to be exclusive with a spouse in a monogamous relationship?

Of these ways, which ones can only be shared between two people and which ones could (conceivably) be shared with multiple spouses / sister wives?

How do things change when the sister wives are getting along and supporting each other, and how do things change when the sister wives become divided?

Let me try and address these one at a time:

In what ways is it important to be exclusive with a spouse in a monogamous relationship?

In my opinion, your spouse should be your best friend as well as your lover. He is the person you share your innermost thoughts with. You discuss spiritual, financial, and personal goals. You decide how to raise your children. You pray together. You share an intimate physical relationship.

Of these ways, which ones can only be shared between two people and which ones could (conceivably) be shared with multiple spouses / sister wives?

This is where many of us differ. I could not share my husband physically. It is inconceivable for me, personally. I would also feel hurt knowing that my husband might feel more comfortable sharing parts of his dreams, feelings, goals, etc. with another woman. It just disrupts the whole bond. Maybe this is social conditioning, maybe not. Whatever it is, I don't see it as something I can reconcile for myself, personally.

Of these ways, which ones can only be shared between two people and which ones could (conceivably) be shared with multiple spouses / sister wives?

The sharing of the workload, and the comradare of having other women to talk to and relate to about raising children, etc. would be an uplifting thing. I guess my problem is....I have this kind of relationship with many of my female friends WITHOUT having to share my husband with them!

The second part of the question is fairly obvious. If the sister wives aren't getting along, you are going to have jealousy, hurt feelings, etc. if the husband is spending more time with one wife than another.

And, let's face it. We're human. It's not uncommon for one person to like someone more than another person. People tend to "click" personality-wise. That's normal. What happens if, as well as my husband and I get along....he tends to "click" personality-wise a little better with a second or third wife. Well, I'll be honest. I would resent it.

I know it has been said before that resentment is wrong, and that it is not of God. OK...That still doesn't change the fact that that is how I would feel...and what I have a hard time with as far as this whole concept.

The only way for me to emotionally survive in that type of relationship would be to distance myself emotionally from my husband. It sounds like that is what a lot of the women who made plural marriage work did as well. And, frankly, for me, that would be like a part of my soul dying.

[alannasaunt]

The only way for me to emotionally survive in that type of relationship would be to distance myself emotionally from my husband.  It sounds like that is what a lot of the women who made plural marriage work did as well.  And, frankly, for me, that would be like a part of my soul dying.

liz,

I'm not sure if you were quoting me here, but if so, what I said was actually stronger...

" As a first wife, I would have to destroy any attachment I felt for my husband in order to emotionally survive a PM. I could simply choose not to become a 2nd, 3rd,etc wife...and I have made that decision.

[liz3564]

The only way for me to emotionally survive in that type of relationship would be to distance myself emotionally from my husband.

[Zakuska]

What if you and your husband, along with 3 to 7 other women are elected in the next life to take an ark and go plenish a distante (3rd) rock in the quasar nebula?

[KevinG]

What if you and your husband, along with 3 to 7 other women are elected in the next life to take an ark and go plenish a distante (3rd) rock in the quasar nebula?

Can we get cable there?

[liz3564]

What if you and your husband, along with 3 to 7 other women are elected in the next life to take an ark and go plenish a distante (3rd) rock in the quasar nebula?

Can we get cable there?

We would make sure your first wife had custody of the remote control!

[KevinG]

What if you and your husband, along with 3 to 7 other women are elected in the next life to take an ark and go plenish a distante (3rd) rock in the quasar nebula?

Can we get cable there?

We would make sure your first wife had custody of the remote control!

She already does.

Why do you think I spend so much time on FAIRboards?

[Zakuska]

Well... you'd probably be able to get Satellite or the dish. Perhaps even fiber optic without the fiber.

I guess you'll have to ask Commander Adama.

[alannasaunt]

Nope. If there's more than one Eve...then there will be a few extra commandments:

For hubbies:

11. Thou shalt not watch TV.

12. Thou shalt have NO sports.

13. Thou shalt never take a nap on the weekend.

14. Thou shalt not have a favorite chair, couch, etc.

15. Husbands, thou shalt sleep in the dog house.

For all wives after the first:

16. Thou shalt wear no make-up.

17. Thou must get fat.

18. Thou must show your husband a rotten disposition.

19. Thou shalt seek approval of the first wife in all decisions.

Ok...yeah...so there!

[liz3564]

Here's a question for the men on the board who are at peace with the concept of plural marriage:

If the law of plural marriage involved your wife taking more than one husband, how would you resolve picturing your wife with another man?

How would you come to terms with that?

Same question for the women who are at peace with plural marriage. How do you resolve picturing your husband with another woman?

Do you just resolve yourself not to think about it...again..."for the greater good"?

I'm not asking this question to bash you. I'm asking because I honestly want to know how you are able to resolve this in your own mind.

[KevinG]

Here's a question for the men on the board who are at peace with the concept of plural marriage:

If the law of plural marriage involved your wife taking more than one husband, how would you resolve picturing your wife with another man?

How would you come to terms with that?

Same question for the women who are at peace with plural marriage. How do you resolve picturing your husband with another woman?

Do you just resolve yourself not to think about it...again..."for the greater good"?

I'm not asking this question to bash you. I'm asking because I honestly want to know how you are able to resolve this in your own mind.

I've thought about it. I answered earlier that I would never want to see my dear bride lonely or without support, so I've insisted she find a good husband if I die and untimely death, even if that means her affections will be shared with another through the eternities.

How do I reconcile it? If someone were really honorable and took care of her when I couldn't I would feel much less jealousy for the gratitude I'd feel.

And, no I don't think it would be easy for anyone.

As far as picturing intimacy, I don't. It's none of my business, and never will be. Some things are private forever as far as I'm concerned.

[charity]

liz, the question of polyandry is not really pertinent to the discussion. There are only a few societies which have ever practiced polyandry. The circumstances there are usually where subsistence is so marginal it takes more than one male to support the offspring of one female. This is obviously not going to take place in the celestial economy.

There is no benefit to any society for multiple husbands and one wife in "raising up righteous seed."

Now, to the question of women "picturing their husbands with other women." Why would a woman do that? It would be a really stupid thing to do. If a woman wanted to try to make herself miserable she could probably come up with other things to do. Put tacks in her shoes. Wear a bra 2 sizes too small.

Why wouldn't a woman picture how happy the second wife was to have such a good husband instead of being alone? Why wouldn't a woman picture how wonderful it was for the second wife to get to have children rather being childless. Why wouldn't a woman picture how great it was that this woman, who would have been a single mother, without a husband, to have the loving support of a home?

[alannasaunt]

liz, the question of polyandry is not really pertinent to the discussion. There are only a few societies which have ever practiced polyandry. The circumstances there are usually where subsistence is so marginal it takes more than one male to support the offspring of one female. This is obviously not going to take place in the celestial economy.

There is no benefit to any society for multiple husbands and one wife in "raising up righteous seed."

Actually, earlier in the thread, there were examples given of where this could be considered a just thing. One example being the husband of a young couple dies and the wife remarries and has children with husband number 2. A man can do this and loose no one. Currently, a young wife would not have her second husband in the eternities (even though she may have spent many, many more years with him) and the second husband looses his children. The children under present conditions are sealed to a man other than their father (who they never met in this life). This is about more than just economy.

[pssst]

but dadof7, if you were still with her, how would you react?? (the question wasnt if you died) ofcourse if i die i would want some good man to take care of my wife..

[KevinG]

but dadof7, if you were still with her, how would you react?? (the question wasnt if you died) ofcourse if i die i would want some good man to take care of my wife..

If I knew it was a commandment of God (verified by personal witness) as a requirement for her exaltation and the exaltation of our family, I'd agree to it whole heartedly. Of course it would be difficult, I've held that position consistantly.

My own "Abrahamic test" had me nearly cursing God at the fear of losing her.

Don't confuse understanding with a cavalier attitude on my part.

[Del March]

You know, Del?

Give our respective attitudes...this probably means that you will never receive the call to PM and for me it will be the only option available...go figure...

You mean I'm not the only one it happens to ??

For example: my husband, who already spoke 4 languages, really didn't like French and didn't want to learn it. And then he married a French woman and moved to France for a while... As for me, I dumped German in part because I didn't like the cases, I dumped Latin because of the cases, and now I've got to learn a language that has 6 cases and other assorted grammatical oddities

Del

[charity]

All this "what if" stuff is really not necessary. We don't know exactly how things are going to be arranged in the Celestial Kingdom, except that it will be joy beyond what we can imagine.

[Aluwid]

If the law of plural marriage involved your wife taking more than one husband, how would you resolve picturing your wife with another man? 

I'd beat him up.

Ok, seriously I imagine I'd like it even less then she would like to picture me with another woman.

I think this quote from "King of the Hill" sums up my feelings on the matter:

"It's called the double standard. Don't knock it. We got the long end of the stick on that one."

[liz3564]

liz, the question of polyandry is not really pertinent to the discussion. There are only a few societies which have ever practiced polyandry. The circumstances there are usually where subsistence is so marginal it takes more than one male to support the offspring of one female. This is obviously not going to take place in the celestial economy.

There is no benefit to any society for multiple husbands and one wife in "raising up righteous seed."

Now, to the question of women "picturing their husbands with other women." Why would a woman do that? It would be a really stupid thing to do. If a woman wanted to try to make herself miserable she could probably come up with other things to do. Put tacks in her shoes. Wear a bra 2 sizes too small.

Why wouldn't a woman picture how happy the second wife was to have such a good husband instead of being alone? Why wouldn't a woman picture how wonderful it was for the second wife to get to have children rather being childless. Why wouldn't a woman picture how great it was that this woman, who would have been a single mother, without a husband, to have the loving support of a home?

liz, the question of polyandry is not really pertinent to the discussion.  There are only a few societies which have ever practiced polyandry. The circumstances there are usually where subsistence is so marginal it takes more than one male to support the offspring of one female.  This is obviously not going to take place in the celestial economy.

Charity, I think you missed where I was going with my question. Dadof7 seemed to pick up on it. I wanted the men to basically put themselves in the position of where the woman was coming from in regards to polygamy. That was the reason for the question being asked...not to take the thread in a different direction.

Now, to the question of women "picturing their husbands with other women."  Why would a woman do that?

I don't think it is something a woman would consciously do...but come on, Charity, we're all human! Things do tend to pop into your brain even when you don't necessarily want them to. Why do you think so many divorces occur when a monogomous spouse is discovered cheating? Beyond the betrayal, there is that thought of your spouse being intimate with someone else. Some can get past that, but many can't.

Why wouldn't a woman picture how happy the second wife was to have such a good husband instead of being alone?  Why wouldn't a woman picture how wonderful it was for the second wife to get to have children rather being childless.  Why wouldn't a woman picture how great it was that this woman, who would have been a single mother, without a husband, to have the loving support of a home?

These are all beautiful things. And, as I said previously, I think this is how my dear friend Barbi will more than likely resolve things.

For me, personally, to be able to obtain this next level, I would have to somewhat distance myself emotionally from my husband. I guess that is what is difficult for me to think about doing.