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A Rampant Mind


A Wanderer

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Hey. New user here as you can see. I registered here for the sole purpose to post this thread and discuss it if anyone's willing. I was originally going to post this at lds.net but then the CEO who hosts that site all of a sudden decided that ANYTHING related to sex is not allowed anymore. I then went over to the Stay LDS forum but that's an unorthodox mormon forum. So here I am. First, a little disclaimer. I'm not specifically asking for advice, though you're welcome to give it. I'm here simply to discuss with others my unique scenario. I am having some problems but... I can deal with them I guess is what I'm trying to say. I just wanna talk about it with some who might understand the WHOLE picture and not just pieces.

 

Anyway, a little background. I'm LDS, 21, and interested heavily in games and art. Also writing and computers but to a lesser extent. Also, WARNING. There's gonna be some serious TL;DR here. But please bare with me. I'll try to make it as painless to read as possible.

 

... I should start at the beginning. My first encounter with the problem that I am to this day still battling happened around 2001-2002. I discovered, well... masturbation. I, of course, wish I never did. I didn't realize it was a sin until about a year after I first started doing it. I tried to quit by myself without any church or gospel or spiritual help of any kind but, as you can guess, I failed. I tried again, with different mental strategies but failed again as well. In the end, I just stopped trying for a bit and focused on just limiting it once in a while.

 

And it gets a little worse. *sigh* Somewhat recently, I found out I was a furry. I was very interested in the art style and such but I also knew that it had its dark side. I rationalized my getting a little involved in the fandom, telling myself that I was only going to investigate my interests on some forums. Ask a couple questions about it. That's all.

 

I was wrong. You see, it's really hard to be even a little active in the fandom without going into some sort of porn. A huge chunk of the appeal of furry to a whole lot of the fans is the physical form of them. So, you see, it's inevitable that you'll stumble across some mature art or writing. And I fell into all that. I managed to get out of it before I got too deep in but the damage was done. The images were in my mind and I didn't want to leave it.

 

Which brings us to the present day. I was supposed to go on a mission at 19 but I never did because of procrastination. But the time for procrastinating is over and now it's time to quit all my sins for good. I know now where I went wrong all those times. I never tried to repent FULLY AND COMPLETELY. I just simply tried to stop doing it. And with something as addictive as what I was doing, it would require the full power of the atonement to help me.

 

That is where I'm at right now. Besides the above, I haven't committed any other serious sins. But I believe all that is just a big symptom of a larger problem. My imagination tied with my desires. If that sounds confusing, don't worry. I'll explain.

 

I've done some hard thinking about myself as of late. Thinking about my thoughts and actions and I've come to the conclusion that I am a hybrid of polar opposites. Sometimes, I can be nerdy, and sometimes I can be a jock. Sometimes, I can be incredibly giving, and other times, I can be incredibly selfish. Sometimes, I can be very passive, and sometimes, I can be violent. Sometimes I can be a full-on genius, and sometimes I can be a full-on idiot. I am not exaggerating with ANY of these.

 

Which leads us into my final biggest problem. I want to do good and take responsibility. I KNOW this church is true without a shadow of a doubt and I want to repay the Lord all he's done for me (which is an awful lot), but literally half of me is pulling me the other way. I also want to give in. To stop worrying about all my faults, about everything. I want to immerse myself in my mind, in my own worlds, and never look back. To do as I please without restraint and manipulate who I will for my gain.

 

And that is my current situation. My life. All in all, a lot of people have it much worse. I don't consider myself to be unfortunate in the slightest. Nevertheless, these are my problems. Problems of a rampant mind. Now, If you've managed to read all this, I thank you right now. I know it's really long but I just want to talk about this with SOMEONE. I don't even care if people laugh about anything. I welcome every opinion and/or advice. So please, don't hold back on my account. Thanks again.

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This is going to sound simplistic but it works. Just don't do it when you have any urges. I think most men have struggled with your first issue. I had to learn to not think about it. The BoM has helped. THere is a particular passage in Alma that talks about brideling your passions. The concept is easy to get but sometimes the practice is hard to get. Essentally when you feel the urges you have to replace them with something. SOmetimes it is scripture study. Sometimes it is singing. Just find something that works for you. Soon those urges wont be sucha big deal. Also you have to be willing to forgive your self and if you mess up just keep at it. Also stay away from porn. That doesn't help. The urge to look at porn is similar to the other urges and can be conquered the same way. Prayer is essental too. Best of luck.

Edited by Mola Ram Suda Ram
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I know it's really long but I just want to talk about this with SOMEONE.

 

Just a warning so you aren't surprised if it happens, the moderators are apparently (interpreted by the way they shut down certain threads as I am not a moderator) concerned about people using the board in place of professional therapy or other such things.  It is very helpful to talk about things, but in a couple of cases we had people threatening suicide and that could just go really bad with no one being able to do anything about it, so I think the mods made a rule not to allow anything in that category.

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We all tend to be a mix of good and bad.  You need to decide what you want to be and then keep in an environment that encourages what you want to be while avoiding the environment that brings the undesired behaviours out.

 

I don't know how old you are, but I agree that it can be very helpful to talk to someone.  Perhaps there is a support group online that is specifically for any of the issues you want to put behind you?  If you are college age and going to school, perhaps your university offers clinical support you could look into.  If you are older perhaps your insurance would cover some therapy...it can be very useful to talk to someone who is not emotionally tied into your life and therefore isn't prone to make judgments or to jump in to solve your problems but allow you the time and space and support you need to solve your problems for yourself.

 

And I am not sure if you see yourself as addicted or just potentially that way, but the Church offers in many areas a successful 12 step program for all sorts of addiction, you may want to look into that.

Edited by calmoriah
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Just a warning so you aren't surprised if it happens, the moderators are apparently (interpreted by the way they shut down certain threads as I am not a moderator) concerned about people using the board in place of professional therapy or other such things.  It is very helpful to talk about things, but in a couple of cases we had people threatening suicide and that could just go really bad with no one being able to do anything about it, so I think the mods made a rule not to allow anything in that category.

Well, I don't know what to say to that. I looked almost everywhere and I can't find anything resembling a set of rules to follow when posting. I'm assuming you guys are just going off of the usual common sense rules.

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