Listening

[Rain]

Since we now have several threads talking about listening I thought I would start one.  Besides here, several things in General Conference have been on my mind since hearing them.  

From Sister Marriott:

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When we give our heart to the Father and the Son, we change our world—even if circumstances around us do not change. We draw closer to Heavenly Father and feel His tender acceptance of our efforts to be true disciples of Christ. Our discernment, confidence, and faith increase.

Mormon tells us to pray with all energy of heart for this love and it will be bestowed upon us from its source—Heavenly Father.¹¹ Only then can we become repairers of the breach in earthly relationships.

From Elder Zwick

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As we learn to become inheritors of all our Father has, the gospel mentors us to look beyond what we see. To look beyond what we see, we must look at others through the eyes of our Savior. The gospel net is filled with people in all their variety. We can’t fully understand the choices and psychological backgrounds of people in our world, Church congregations, and even in our families, because we rarely have the whole picture of who they are. We must look past the easy assumptions and stereotypes and widen the tiny lens of our own experience.

I had my eyes opened to “looking beyond what I could see” while serving as a mission president. A young elder arrived with apprehension in his eyes. As we met in an interview, he said dejectedly, “I want to go home.” I thought to myself, “Well, we can fix this.” I counseled him to work hard and to pray about it for a week and then call me. A week later, almost to the minute, he called. He still wanted to go home. I again counseled him to pray, to work hard, and to call me in a week. In our next interview, things had not changed. He insisted on going home.

I just wasn’t going to let that happen. I began teaching him about the sacred nature of his call. I encouraged him to “forget [himself] and go to work.”² But no matter what formula I offered, his mind did not change. It finally occurred to me that I might not have the whole picture. It was then that I felt a prompting to ask him the question: “Elder, what is hard for you?” What he said pierced my heart: “President, I can’t read.”

The wise counsel which I thought was so important for him to hear was not at all relevant to his needs. What he needed most was for me to look beyond my hasty assessment and allow the Spirit to help me understand what was really on this elder’s mind. He needed me to see him correctly and offer a reason to hope. Instead, I acted like a giant demolition wrecking ball. This valiant elder did learn to read and became a very pure disciple of Jesus Christ. He opened my eyes to the Lord’s words: “For man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7).

....

To accept and love others does not mean we must embrace their ideas. Obviously, truth mandates our highest allegiance, though it should never be a barrier to kindness. Truly loving others requires the ongoing practice of accepting the best efforts of people whose life experiences and limitations we may never fully know. Looking beyond what we can see requires conscious focus on the Savior.

 Are You Really Listening, or Just Waiting to Talk?

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When sitting face-to-face in conversation with someone—a friend, child, partner, or work colleague—how frequently are you actually thinking about nothing else other than the words that are coming out of the other person's mouth? Probably not too often. And you are not alone.

Research shows that only about 10 percent of us listen effectively. We are so distracted by the cacophony of dings and tweets from our smartphones, not to mention our ever-growing to-do lists, that we struggle to focus and listen when people talk to us. And if we're not distracted by technology, our own thoughts can keep us from listening to another person. We often think that we are listening but we're actually just considering how to jump in to tell our own story, offer advice, or even make a judgment—in other words, we are not listening to understand, but rather to reply.

Active listening is an essential skill and one of the best ways to connect with another person. The good news is that it is a skill that can be improved with some effort. It also bears noting that there's a distinct difference between hearing and listening. Hearing is a physiological act; listening involves our ability to unpack the meaning of words, and the silences in between. 

Dutch writer and professor Henri Nouwen once wrote:

"Listening is much more than allowing another to talk while waiting for a chance to respond...The beauty of listening is that, those who are listened to start feeling accepted, start taking their words more seriously and discovering their own true selves. Listening is a form of spiritual hospitality by which you invite strangers to become friends."

Why be an active listener?

Research has found that active listening helps us focus on understanding others and also improves our relationships by promoting trust, reducing conflict, and increasing our ability to motivate and inspire those with whom we're communicating. Listening to people's stories, along with sharing our own, can prompt us to put our attention into another person's world, which cultivates connection.

There are a variety of ways we can become better listeners. Here are just 5:

1. Practice. 

The following exercise takes only four minutes, but it will prepare you for what active listening feels like so you can put it into action in your everyday encounters: Find a willing participant. Then face each other with no distractions other than a watch or a timer. For two minutes, one of you will speak, answering a prompt while the other listens. If you're the listener, do not respond at all during the two minutes, but feel free to use facial expressions or nod your head while listening. The idea is to listen to the words for the sake of listening, not for the sake of replying. Then, switch roles for another two minutes. The prompt to use in the exercise: How are you?

2. Start from a place of open-mindedness and acceptance. 

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Many of us routinely judge what others say and think about what advice to offer as we hear them speak. Avoiding these patterns will enable you to focus more on what the person is saying, and less on your own interpretation. Before entering into a conversation, ask yourself the following questions:

Can I stay fully present and listen deeply?

Can I keep from judging what the other person is saying?

Can I refrain from offering advice?

Can I avoid interpreting this person's experience?

3. Be attentive but relax your gaze. 

The idea behind active listening is not to strain your eyes or concentrate too hard, but to be aware of the speaker in a natural and focused way. It's best to block out distractions—surrounding sounds and activities—that might otherwise grab your attention. If someone's speech pattern or accent starts to catch your attention, bring your focus back to the words themselves.

4. Listen to both the words and the silence in between. 

Most of us are uncomfortable with pauses and what we may consider awkward silences. But in those pauses we can reflect on the meaning of what a person has just said. Try to keep your mind from wandering during those moments of silence; there may be significance behind the pause itself.

5. Ask open-ended questions.

When it feels appropriate to engage in a response, ask questions that are open-ended, such as: What was that like? and How did that feel? It will make for a better dialogue and give you the chance to continue gaining information.

Everyone has something to say, a story to tell, and words we can learn from. I encourage you to listen—really listen—to those around you, whether the speaker is someone you know well or a new personal or professional acquaintance. You never know where someone else’s words may lead you.

Now if you read Elder Zwick again what are you seeing from the article that he was missing?  What are you seeing that improved upon?

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A young elder arrived with apprehension in his eyes. As we met in an interview, he said dejectedly, “I want to go home.” I thought to myself, “Well, we can fix this.” I counseled him to work hard and to pray about it for a week and then call me. A week later, almost to the minute, he called. He still wanted to go home. I again counseled him to pray, to work hard, and to call me in a week. In our next interview, things had not changed. He insisted on going home.

I just wasn’t going to let that happen. I began teaching him about the sacred nature of his call. I encouraged him to “forget [himself] and go to work.”2 But no matter what formula I offered, his mind did not change. It finally occurred to me that I might not have the whole picture. It was then that I felt a prompting to ask him the question: “Elder, what is hard for you?” What he said pierced my heart: “President, I can’t read.”

The wise counsel which I thought was so important for him to hear was not at all relevant to his needs. What he needed most was for me to look beyond my hasty assessment and allow the Spirit to help me understand what was really on this elder’s mind. He needed me to see him correctly and offer a reason to hope. Instead, I acted like a giant demolition wrecking ball. This valiant elder did learn to read and became a very pure disciple of Jesus Christ. He opened my eyes to the Lord’s words: “For man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7).

I've long had that scripture in my heart. I have so wanted to see in other people's hearts and be able to look at them as the Lord does.  Sometimes a lack of love really stands in my way and I have to figure out how to learn to love them, I'm glad Sister Marriott shared her experience so I could learn from it.

I admit as I read this forum that all too often I am just waiting to reply.  I'll try harder to actually listen.  

While reading through this post what things have you learned about yourself?  What things are you doing well?  What things do you need to improve on?

Now don't be afraid to reply!  lol