Messenger Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 For the men out there that are looking for some advice, here are some articles on the church website that may help you understand that you aren't the only one that does understand. For other members of the church reading this, it might help your understanding on the church's position is on this subject. Indeed, we have a lot to learn.I have been divorced, and I did have a bishop once who said, "It may not seem like it now, but it will get better". In the end, its our ability to forgive that heals the wounds. Other members may help us by not judging us, but I would not count on it if I were you. Dont let anybody keep you from doing what the Lord tells you is right. In the end, just as my Bishop once said, it will get better.Church Advice on Divorce ....After Divorce: Help for Latter-day Saint MenEnsign - Aug 2003Source: http://lds.org/ensign/2003/08/after-divorce-help-for-latter-day-saint-men?lang=eng&query=divorce+child+support"“I will never forget the ward social a week or so after we made the decision to separate. We went together—one of the last times we tried that experiment—but separated at the door, and for the rest of the evening, she was surrounded by sympathetic, nurturing sisters. And I was alone. A few of the brothers spoke to me about sporting events or news of the day."While social support may be difficult to find, such support is an important part of the healing process. Frequently others do want to help; they just don’t know how. Often the fear of being intrusive prevents them from reaching out."What Can Divorced Men Do to Find Support?Divorced men can do much to allow others to help. If you have been divorced, consider the following:1. Meet with your bishop. Share with him your concerns and difficulties. Seek his counsel about how you should be involved in the ward. Let him know you want to follow the Lord’s counsel, and ask him to assist you in seeking it. A priesthood blessing can help provide hope and peace.2. Meet with your quorum or group leader. Share with him what you feel comfortable sharing, asking him to keep confidences. Jointly determine what you might do to help in the quorum or group. Service can provide a wonderful opportunity to look beyond your own situation and improve your perspective.3. Seek help from home teachers. Home teachers can be an excellent source of support, encouragement, and practical help. One brother was blessed with home teachers who became his close friends. He stated: “There were frequent phone calls, frequent visits. Once the quorum president called to ask if I had been home taught the previous month. I responded, ‘Which visit should count as a home teaching visit, and which message should count as the home teaching message?’ My home teachers had met with me on six different occasions that month, two at their request and four at mine. How blessed I felt to be the recipient of such kindness and concern during my time of need.”4. Seek the Lord’s help. There is no difficulty too small or too large to warrant the Savior’s concern and help. Make your prayers personal. Read the scriptures as if the Lord were talking to you. Listen for answers to your questions and prayers; then act on the answers you receive.A brother who sought guidance from the Lord stated: “I wanted to know and do the Lord’s will. I allowed Him to talk to me. I heard Him speak to me through the scriptures. I felt His love. For the very first time, I felt the blessings of the Atonement in my life, and I knew the blessings were real.”When Children Are InvolvedFollowing divorce, being a father can be more difficult in almost every way. In nearly three-fourths of all divorces, mothers gain custody of the children. Fathers are frequently relegated to visitor status, and they may feel less effective as parents.Research suggests that about 50 percent of children lose contact with their noncustodial parents (usually fathers) within five years of the divorce. This happens in families even where divorce has been fairly amicable. In other divorce situations, anger, blame, and conflict between a divorced couple can erode relationships between fathers and children. In such cases, the heartache does not end when the divorce is final; it simply continues.Despite the discomfort involved, it is crucial that divorced fathers remain involved in their children’s lives as much as possible. Wise mothers will encourage this involvement. Structure your schedule so that you spend time with each child individually as well as with all of the children together. As you make the effort to spend time with each of your children, you will have more opportunities to listen to them, to learn of their concerns, and to develop close relationships with them.Financial ChallengesIf a divorced couple has dependent children and the mother is not employed, frequently the father carries the bulk of the financial responsibility for two households. Sometimes second or third jobs become necessary.Be realistic about finances with your former spouse and children. A budget may be more important than ever. You may want to schedule regular, positive discussions about finances; such discussions should focus on solutions rather than problems. If needed, obtain professional financial advice. The bishop or your quorum leaders may be able to help you in locating ward or stake resources to assist with financial planning.What Others Can Do1. Ask the divorced member how you might be helpful. Take your cues from him; do not assume you know what is best for him. Let him decide.2. Help the divorced member feel included in the ward and in your social circle. Encourage him to be involved in the ward by inviting him to attend ward or social activities with you. Sit next to him in Church meetings.3. Avoid judging the divorced member; leave that to the Lord. Be supportive of the member’s efforts to find healing in this difficult situation. Reach out, welcome, and love as the Savior would.4. Ask him how he is doing, and be willing to listen if he wants to talk. But do not pressure him to disclose more than he is comfortable with, and don’t center all your conversations around the divorce. Do not feel you need to offer advice unless he asks for it.5. If you are in a position to do so, ensure that he receives regular visits from caring home teachers.6. Provide opportunities for service. Helping others is a good way to get outside of oneself, and such activities frequently result in increased feelings of self-worth.7. Pray for inspiration to know how to help the divorced member. Encourage him also to pray so that he may receive Heavenly Father’s guidance and feel His love.------------When You Don’t Have Custody April 2002Source: http://lds.org/ensign/2002/04/when-you-dont-have-custody?lang=eng&query=divorce+child+supportWays That Others Can Be Supportive of the Noncustodial Parent• Understand that the parent may be adjusting to his or her newly divorced status. For some this is devastating and requires their developing a new identity. Be warm and accepting.• Visit the home. Invite the person to be part of social occasions. An invitation to attend a family home evening or a backyard barbecue will likely receive a warm response.• Ask about children and provide information about other children who live nearby.• Avoid the temptation to assume that the noncustodial parent has problems and that his or her children will have problems. Expect the best, and offer healthy interaction.---------------DivorceApril 2007Source: http://lds.org/general-conference/2007/04/divorce?lang=eng&query=DivorceThere are many good Church members who have been divorced. I speak first to them. We know that many of you are innocent victims—members whose former spouses persistently betrayed sacred covenants or abandoned or refused to perform marriage responsibilities for an extended period. Members who have experienced such abuse have firsthand knowledge of circumstances worse than divorce.When a marriage is dead and beyond hope of resuscitation, it is needful to have a means to end it.----------------Children of Divorce August 2002Source: http://lds.org/ensign/2002/08/children-of-divorce?lang=eng&query=Divorce+Child+VisitLearn to choose. Your individual accountability and agency empower you to choose, and you need not be imprisoned by damaging family patterns or relationships. You have the right to say no to manipulation or degradation, and it is not your responsibility to keep everyone happy, particularly if they are determined to persist in unproductive or morally unacceptable behavior. When divorce has occurred, find in the new family structure a way of developing healthier and more enjoyable traditions and patterns for your own life and the family you will create by marriage.----------------Reaching Out to Divorced Members June 1983Source: http://lds.org/ensign/1983/06/reaching-out-to-divorced-members?lang=eng&query=Divorce+Child+VisitUnderstandably, many people are hesitant to reach out in these sensitive situations for fear of offending. Others are uncomfortable because they don’t know what to say or do. This uneasiness may also be felt by the divorced, further isolating them.Following are some ideas to help members understand how they can reach out to divorced people in the Church:• Judge not. Unfortunately, divorce is very public. Many problems can be dealt with in the privacy of one’s home, but divorce becomes public knowledge through word of mouth, the newspaper, the “For Sale” sign, the moving van conspicuously loading half of the furniture. Outsiders can see the tell-tale signs, but they cannot know to what degree that one or both have counseled with bishops and professionals.In a world of increasing pressures, both within and without the home, free agency can be exercised unwisely even among Church members. Many men and woman are agonizing over situations they did not choose but were powerless to avoid. It is not for the members to determine guilt and responsibility.• In addition to withholding judgment, members of the Church should pray for the well-being and happiness of divorced members. Having them on our minds, remembering them in our hearts, and calling the Lord’s blessings upon them can bless our own lives as well as the divorced. And the Lord has promised to bless those who come to him in times of need: “Blessed are all they that mourn, for they shall be comforted.” (3 Ne. 12:4.)Praying for others increases sensitivity to their needs and enables members to be truly helpful as they “mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.” (Mosiah 18:9.)• Remember that holidays are painful, especially the first year. Sometimes family members are nearby; sometimes they are not. Some people who have just recently gone through a divorce prefer to continue family traditions; others are unable to. Holidays can be extremely painful for the divorced; if children are involved, they are often with the other parent. Even the person who has no children may still feel out of place. You never know if you can make a holiday less lonely unless you ask. An invitation refused is still a warm reminder that someone cares.---------------No Longer a Husband Feb 1988Source: http://lds.org/ensign/1988/02/no-longer-a-husband?lang=eng&query=Divorce+Child+VisitSome LDS men drop out of Church activity after their marriages break up, even when they have not been guilty of transgressions or disciplined by Church courts. These men may feel they have sunk below the standard required in a church that teaches the sanctity of eternal marriage. Or they may feel abandoned by friends and priesthood leaders now that they are not part of a family unit. The sense of rejection and isolation bred by divorce is intensified in many cases when they leave their homes and children behind with their ex-wives.President William W. Tanner of the Los Angeles California Stake has dealt with many men; approximately two-thirds of his stake membership is single. “I think the only thing you can do to heal the heart is to build the spirit,” he says. There are specific measures President Tanner takes to help divorced members who are in need of strengthening and healing.First, he tries to help the individual learn to forgive him- or herself. The first move toward eventually being able to build another marital relationship is to learn to forgive themselves, using steps outlined by the Lord, President Tanner says.Frequently, the divorced must also learn to forgive their ex-spouses. Unless they do this, they will be unable to give unconditional forgiveness or love to another. President Tanner reinforces the lesson taught by the Lord: We must forgive, for our unwillingness to do so is a more grievous sin than the abuse we may have borne. (See D&C 64:9–11; Mosiah 26:29–31.)It is essential, President Tanner says, that worthy divorced members also be given positions of responsibility in the Church. Men, particularly, may feel that they are unworthy if they do not have the opportunity to serve. “They just need to be involved. If you go to the Lord and find a place for them, and if you have the Spirit with you, marvelous things will happen. They’ll start feeling better about themselves. They’ll develop an ability to love.”It is all part of building the network of support that divorced members need, President Tanner adds.Feeling LovedDivorced members need to feel a genuine caring from others in the Church, a willingness to accept them while they work on overcoming their problems, Rick says. It is important that programs reflect love of people and that they be kept flexible enough on the local level not to shut out those who do not fit the ideal family mold.One man found divorce “so traumatic, so devastating that I barely survived.” It was his wife who abandoned their marriage and the Church. Still, he struggled with guilt. An LDS man who is divorced, he explains, carries the burden of having been the priesthood leader in a family unit that failed; he may feel that he surely must be spiritually substandard, or the divorce would not have occurred. Sometimes other members take the same attitude toward him—and let him know it.Often, loved ones or friends of the two ex-spouses partake of the bitterness of a divorce, harboring ill feelings. Members need to recognize that when we fall into the trap of judging others, “we only limit our own ability to receive the Spirit, and to help other people grow,” --------After Divorce June 1975Source: http://lds.org/ensign/1975/06/after-divorce/continuing-as-a-whole-person?lang=eng&query=Divorce+Child+VisitWe learned that one of the most difficult things a divorced person has to handle (and this seems to be true for both men and women) is the reaction other people have to him or her as a divorced person. For years that unfortunate label has carried with it all kinds of negative suggestions. Happily married couples fear divorcees as possible homewreckers. Children think something is wrong with them or that they are evil. Voters think they are not trustworthy. Landlords fear they won’t pay the rent. The public in general thinks they are promiscuous and irresponsible. Perhaps we can partly blame movies, television, and cheap books for creating this image, but placing blame does not remove the image from our minds.And it is not just the divorced person who has a problem. His divorce presents a problem to his associates as well. They don’t know what to say to him or how to treat him. Think about yourself: when you learn that your neighbor or your child’s Primary teacher is getting a divorce, what do you do? Can you treat that person just as you always have, or do you find yourself uneasy and tongue-tied around him? Why should you regard him differently? Isn’t he the same person he always was? Well, yes, he is, except that now he is divorced.Let’s go back to that term for a moment. We in the Church have rightly been taught that divorce and broken homes are destructive to society and to individual happiness, but certainly we have not been taught that we, therefore, have the right to judge divorced people as evil. They are usually, in fact, people who have suffered much anguish, who are burdened with a terrible sense of their own failure, and who have made a decision to separate only when it seemed to them that no other avenues were open. For members of the Church, such a decision is perhaps the most difficult of their lives. Only the Lord, who can see into their hearts, is in a position to make a judgment against them. For the membership of the Church, Jesus’ instructions seem clear through his example of forgiveness and his warning to sinners who would cast stones at other sinners.1. Try to rid yourself of personal prejudices against divorced people in general. Try to see them simply as other human beings, children of our Father in heaven, like yourself. Do not gossip about divorced people, especially in front of children.2. If you knew the divorced person before his separation, treat him just the same as you always have. Don’t suddenly become serious and evasive, or curious and questioning. If you are accustomed to joking with him or teasing him, continue to do so. If you are accustomed to playing golf with him, keep playing. If he tries to back away from you, you should reassure him frankly that nothing has changed between you and him. What he needs most at this point is a restoration of his sense of normalcy, an assurance that a breakdown of his relationship with one person has not brought a similar breakdown in his relationships with everyone.3. If you are married, don’t exclude the divorced person from your circle of friends. This doesn’t mean you have to take him everywhere you go, but you should keep up an active association. The divorced women we talked with who had the happiest lives were often those who felt a part of some other family in their wards. They were treated like a beloved aunt in the family group, participating in family outings, family home evenings, and birthday celebrations. These women were also called on first in times of family trouble.4. If the divorced person appears to have made a good adjustment to his circumstances, don’t force yourself or your activities on him out of a sense of duty. You cannot assume that all divorced people, especially those who have been single for some time, are miserable.5. Follow the example of the people in my ward. To the newly divorced, a small gesture of love and understanding means a great deal. After you have made that gesture, treat the person as if nothing had changed. Don’t urge him into painful recollections, but let him talk about the divorce if he needs to.6. Believe in your heart that divorced persons have as much right to participate in the Church and the gospel as married persons do. The Church does not condone divorce, but neither does it exclude people who are otherwise worthy to share in its blessings.--------------Freedom from Bitterness August 1991Source: http://lds.org/ensign/1991/08/freedom-from-bitterness?lang=eng&query=Divorce+Child+VisitFor many who have been divorced, hanging on to bitter feelings frustrates efforts to build a new life. The Atonement is the key to finding peace.According to the gospel, bitter feelings are not inescapable emotions; we have the power—and the obligation—to abandon bitterness. (See Eph. 4:31–32.) But, not surprisingly, the solutions to bitterness offered in the restored gospel are not always well received by either the world or those who remain bitter. Those who receive peace must receive it through the Spirit; and those who rely on worldly reasoning alone too often reject gospel-centered solutions as unrealistic, idealistic, or just plain impractical.--------------Come What May, and Love It October 2008Source: http://lds.org/general-conference/2008/10/come-what-may-and-love-it?lang=eng&query=principle+compensationThe way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life.While every man and woman on this stand today has experienced an abundant measure of joy, each also has drunk deeply from the cup of disappointment, sorrow, and loss. The Lord in His wisdom does not shield anyone from grief or sadness.How can we love days that are filled with sorrow? We can’t—at least not in the moment. I don’t think my mother was suggesting that we suppress discouragement or deny the reality of pain. I don’t think she was suggesting that we smother unpleasant truths beneath a cloak of pretended happiness. But I do believe that the way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life.If we approach adversities wisely, our hardest times can be times of greatest growth, which in turn can lead toward times of greatest happiness.Over the years I have learned a few things that have helped me through times of testing and trial. I would like to share them with you.Learn to LaughThe next time you’re tempted to groan, you might try to laugh instead. It will extend your life and make the lives of all those around you more enjoyable.Seek for the EternalBut the dial on the wheel of sorrow eventually points to each of us. At one time or another, everyone must experience sorrow. No one is exempt.Learning to endure times of disappointment, suffering, and sorrow is part of our on-the-job training. These experiences, while often difficult to bear at the time, are precisely the kinds of experiences that stretch our understanding, build our character, and increase our compassion for others.Remember the sublime words of the Savior to the Prophet Joseph Smith when he suffered with his companions in the smothering darkness of Liberty Jail:“My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;“And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.” The Principle of CompensationThe third thing we can do is understand the principle of compensation. The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.Trust in the Father and the SonThe fourth thing we can do is put our trust in our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.“God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son.” 2 The Lord Jesus Christ is our partner, helper, and advocate. He wants us to be happy. He wants us to be successful. If we do our part, He will step in.He who descended below all things will come to our aid. He will comfort and uphold us. He will strengthen us in our weakness and fortify us in our distress. He will make weak things become strong. 3 One of our daughters, after giving birth to a baby, became seriously ill. We prayed for her, administered to her, and supported her as best we could. We hoped she would receive a blessing of healing, but days turned into months, and months turned into years. At one point I told her that this affliction might be something she would have to struggle with the rest of her life.One morning I remember pulling out a small card and threading it through my typewriter. Among the words that I typed for her were these: “The simple secret is this: put your trust in the Lord, do your best, then leave the rest to Him.”
CARPE DIEM Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Keep the Holy Ghost and Heavenly father close at all times and all will be well, if not immediately in the near future! Best Wishes!
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