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Feeling a little worried about my 5 year old granddaughter. She turned 5 in August. I try to watch her every Friday after school. I have watched her every Thursday all day for nearly all of her 5 years. She has absolutely changed, feels like overnight. She has these horrific temper tantrums if things don't go her way or if something isn't perfect. The last three times I've watched her she has thrown things and it looks like a cyclone happening. The first time was when we played tic tac toe together and I blocked her zero with the x and she threw a fit, her room was a disaster which was once spotless. She has a playroom in my home. The second time we played Barbies, and she was mad because I dressed her Ken doll with a different outfit. The third time, today, we made a form of slime, more like a mix of play dough and slime. Well, at every turn she was getting mad. 

I did read an article that 4 and 5 year olds have worse temper tantrums than when they are 2 or 3 sometimes and it made me less worried. But curious to know if any of you have had these situations. I don't remember it with my own children, but maybe it was something I wanted to forget! :)

 

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1 hour ago, Tacenda said:

Feeling a little worried about my 5 year old granddaughter. She turned 5 in August. I try to watch her every Friday after school. I have watched her every Thursday all day for nearly all of her 5 years. She has absolutely changed, feels like overnight. She has these horrific temper tantrums if things don't go her way or if something isn't perfect. The last three times I've watched her she has thrown things and it looks like a cyclone happening. The first time was when we played tic tac toe together and I blocked her zero with the x and she threw a fit, her room was a disaster which was once spotless. She has a playroom in my home. The second time we played Barbies, and she was mad because I dressed her Ken doll with a different outfit. The third time, today, we made a form of slime, more like a mix of play dough and slime. Well, at every turn she was getting mad. 

I did read an article that 4 and 5 year olds have worse temper tantrums than when they are 2 or 3 sometimes and it made me less worried. But curious to know if any of you have had these situations. I don't remember it with my own children, but maybe it was something I wanted to forget! :)

 

Just rambling here to help you come up with ideas of your own as I think you have worked with kids more than I have.

I think twos stick out more because it is generally something new as the child becomes more independent.  Also because they often don’t have the language to get their needs met or even expressed, so frustration leads to tantrums.  By the age of five, for me it felt more power dynamics were involved, my daughter showing us who was boss in her view.  She wouldn’t have a tantrum that I can remember, except for when she was afraid like for school, but oh so stubborn.  I don’t think 2 and 3 year olds think in those power terms.  They just expect needs to be met.  It isn’t an issue of who is in control.  Not that five year olds think of it as who has the power…but I did get quite a few “you aren’t the boss of me” from my daughter around then.

You might want to start the practice of just asking her when it’s relatively calm and peaceful if there is anything she would like to talk about or ask you and just let her express herself how she wants and don’t get offensive or into problem solving until she finishes.  Try not to ask leading questions, but you might need to do a little prying though try only while she comfortable.  Make a note of what upsets her and don’t push it.  It could be random stuff.  If prompting is needed, you could ask “what’s the best thing that happened to you today?  And then “this week” and maybe for fun if she is getting into it “ever in her whole life”.  Or “what did you do today that you want to do again?”  And then just as causally, it’s no big deal to talk about, “what’s the worst thing that happened” and then say something true, not made up that lets her know you know how she feels as in “oh, that happened to me once/too and I felt like…”  Or “that sounds frustrating”.  Maybe stop there the first time or two but then start asking “what did you feel like doing then?”  You know, tease out her reasoning as much as possible.  There is a good chance she won’t remember why she felt that way , but if it gets her talking about her feelings more, when she does get upset, maybe after she calms down, she will be close enough in time to remember.  

You probably already know don’t try to reason with a kid in meltdown.  They are there because they lost control.  You need to help them regain control before trying to talk about it.  They may not even be able to process what you are saying.  Don't punish for losing control, it won’t teach them how to be in control.  Don't respond emotionally while the temper tantrum is going, but don’t leave, be there, show you are aware, but that they aren’t making you lose control or feel sorry for them or whatever.  You wouldn’t get upset if they had to poop and didn’t know how to use the toilet.  They are emotionally pooping and you need to help them figure out where those emotions best go, how to clean them up when accidents happen as they often will when distracted and how to prepare so accidents happen less.

This may be too young, those ages blur together for me, but you can always adapt it to older kids.  The important thing is not to talk down to them.  Don’t put them in baby mode by treating them like a baby if you want to have a conversation with them.

Have you asked her when she is not upset why she does it?  Not in a confrontational way, but just letting her know you are trying to understand.  Maybe say something like ‘we tell each other things in different ways, like I can tell you I love you with words, but also with a hug or even a smile when I am playing a game with you’.  Maybe have her come up with some examples of how she communicates to, choosing something you know that she does nonverbally, like maybe dancing when she is happy or snuggling up when she wants a hug or attention.  Focus on positive stuff.  Hopefully she will be able to come up with ideas on her own, but it may take time for her to get the idea.  Then you might talk about sometimes when you don’t feel good you might do _____, nothing that would be negative for her though.  You don’t want her to become nervous about you.  You could make it into a guessing game too.  Have her guess what different expressions or sounds mean.  Laugh or do something that shows you are relaxed and feel safe after you do something negative to show it’s okay.  Then eventually ask her what she thinks she is trying to say when she throws her doll or whatever.  Make it a small behaviour, don’t label it a tantrum or anything.  This could take days or even weeks since you don’t see her every day.  The big thing is to set aside some time every visit where she just gets to talk and then if possible help her develop the skills to do this.

If she won’t talk to you, pick up one of her favorite dolls or stuffies and start having a conversation with it.  Ask how it is doing and feeling, did it have a good day.  Pause as if you are listening to it.  Shake you head up and down as if listening.  Make it a silly game as she is probably too old to think the toy is really feeling those things where a two year old would likely be fascinated and want to help.  It might loosen her up to talk to you herself.  If she gets nervous or antsy just talking, maybe color or paint with her or play with playdoh, something that occupies her mind and fingers, but still allows room for talking.

If she opens up about the why, maybe it will feel okay to ask her if she feels better after throwing something.  If she does, maybe you could point out that even if throwing something feels good, she or you don’t feel that good when you have to clean up the mess…so maybe she could choose a couple of things to throw anytime she gets angry, things that are easy to clean up (maybe pillows off the couch or stuffies thrown as far across the room as possible or hard against the door, making sure nothing breakable is around) and then afterwards when she has quieted down, she can tell you what upset her and you let her know maybe you can help and maybe not, but at least someone who loves her will know she is feeling bad and most important, why.  I think this is the point I am circling here, teaching a child while it feels good to let the world know you are upset, it feels better to know they understand why you are upset, so it’s worth the work to get there.  And hopefully the next step of learning it pays off to stay in control and get your needs met first so you don’t need to get angry.

as to causes, if it looks like she might not understand herself or will take awhile to open up…

At 5, if this was a sudden change, I would be looking at a possible event or condition at home or at school or anywhere else that she is having trouble coping with.  Is she having to get up earlier, is more being required of her at home? Is there someone new?  Is she not able to spend as much time with her parents or her friends as she used to?  Is she expected to be more independent but isn’t ready yet?  Is there conflict with kids at school or does she feel lonely?  Is there a history of any learning difficulties in the family that she might be struggling with?  Is her teacher calm or the excitable type?  Or maybe her parents?

Have you talked to her parents?  Maybe get permission to talk to her teacher to see if there are areas you can help with.  Maybe if it’s a friend issue, the parents or teacher can suggest another child that would be a good fit and you might invite them over for some play dates.  This really helped my daughter feel more comfortable at school.  She had fun at school, but would often (daily for awhile) get hysterical when we would drop her off in 1st grade.

If you feel clueless, maybe this site might give you some ideas on what you should be looking at in terms of behaviour from her.

https://www.littleotterhealth.com/blog/advice-5-year-old-tantrums

From the reviews, this looks okay from the client’s POV, at least to do the online assessment if you are interested.

more info:

https://childmind.org/article/how-to-handle-tantrums-and-meltdowns/

Edited by Calm
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7 minutes ago, Calm said:

Just rambling here to help you come up with ideas of your own as I think you have worked with kids more than I have.

I think twos stick out more because it is generally something new as the child becomes more independent.  Also because they often don’t have the language to get their needs met or even expressed, so frustration leads to tantrums.  By the age of five, for me it felt more power dynamics were involved, my daughter showing us who was boss in her view.  She wouldn’t have a tantrum that I can remember, except for when she was afraid like for school, but oh so stubborn.  I don’t think 2 and 3 year olds think in those power terms.  They just expect needs to be met.  It isn’t an issue of who is in control.  Not that five year olds think of it as who has the power…but I did get quite a few “you aren’t the boss of me” from my daughter around then.

You might want to start the practice of just asking her when it’s relatively calm and peaceful if there is anything she would like to talk about or ask you and just let her express herself how she wants and don’t get offensive or into problem solving until she finishes.  Try not to ask leading questions, but you might need to do a little prying though try only while she comfortable.  Make a note of what upsets her and don’t push it.  It could be random stuff.  If prompting is needed, you could ask “what’s the best thing that happened to you today?  And then “this week” and maybe for fun if she is getting into it “ever in her whole life”.  Or “what did you do today that you want to do again?”  And then just as causally, it’s no big deal to talk about, “what’s the worst thing that happened” and then say something true, not made up that lets her know you know how she feels as in “oh, that happened to me once/too and I felt like…”  Or “that sounds frustrating”.  Maybe stop there the first time or two but then start asking “what did you feel like doing then?”  You know, tease out her reasoning as much as possible.  There is a good chance she won’t remember why she felt that way , but if it gets her talking about her feelings more, when she does get upset, maybe after she calms down, she will be close enough in time to remember.  

You probably already know don’t try to reason with a kid in meltdown.  They are there because they lost control.  You need to help them regain control before trying to talk about it.  They may not even be able to process what you are saying.

This may be too young, those ages blur together for me, but you can always adapt it to older kids.  The important thing is not to talk down to them.  Don’t put them in baby mode by treating them like a baby if you want to have a conversation with them.

Have you asked her when she is not upset why she does it?  Not in a confrontational way, but just letting her know you are trying to understand.  Maybe say something like ‘we tell each other things in different ways, like I can tell you I love you with words, but also with a hug or even a smile when I am playing a game with you’.  Maybe have her come up with some examples of how she communicates to, choosing something you know that she does nonverbally, like maybe dancing when she is happy or snuggling up when she wants a hug or attention.  Focus on positive stuff.  Hopefully she will be able to come up with ideas on her own, but it may take time for her to get the idea.  Then you might talk about sometimes when you don’t feel good you might do _____, nothing that would be negative for her though.  You don’t want her to become nervous about you.  You could make it into a guessing game too.  Have her guess what different expressions or sounds mean.  Laugh or do something that shows you are relaxed and feel safe after you do something negative to show it’s okay.  Then eventually ask her what she thinks she is trying to say when she throws her doll or whatever.  Make it a small behaviour, don’t label it a tantrum or anything.  This could take days or even weeks since you don’t see her every day.  The big thing is to set aside some time every visit where she just gets to talk and then if possible help her develop the skills to do this.

If she won’t talk to you, pick up one of her favorite dolls or stuffies and start having a conversation with it.  Ask how it is doing and feeling, did it have a good day.  Pause as if you are listening to it.  Shake you head up and down as if listening.  Make it a silly game as she is probably too old to think the toy is really feeling those things where a two year old would likely be fascinated and want to help.  It might loosen her up to talk to you herself.  If she gets nervous or antsy just talking, maybe color or paint with her or play with playdoh, something that occupies her mind and fingers, but still allows room for talking.

If she opens up about the why, maybe it will feel okay to ask her if she feels better after throwing something.  If she does, maybe you could point out that even if throwing something feels good, she or you don’t feel that good when you have to clean up the mess…so maybe she could choose a couple of things to throw anytime she gets angry, things that are easy to clean up (maybe pillows off the couch or stuffies thrown as far across the room as possible or hard against the door, making sure nothing breakable is around) and then afterwards when she has quieted down, she can tell you what upset her and you let her know maybe you can help and maybe not, but at least someone who loves her will know she is feeling bad and most important, why.  I think this is the point I am circling here, teaching a child while it feels good to let the world know you are upset, it feels better to know they understand why you are upset, so it’s worth the work to get there.  And hopefully the next step of learning it pays off to stay in control and get your needs met first so you don’t need to get angry.

as to causes, if it looks like she might not understand herself or will take awhile to open up…

At 5, if this was a sudden change, I would be looking at a possible event or condition at home or at school or anywhere else that she is having trouble coping with.  Is she having to get up earlier, is more being required of her at home? Is there someone new?  Is she not able to spend as much time with her parents or her friends as she used to?  Is she expected to be more independent but isn’t ready yet?  Is there conflict with kids at school or does she feel lonely?  Is there a history of any learning difficulties in the family that she might be struggling with?  Is her teacher calm or the excitable type?  Or maybe her parents?

Have you talked to her parents?  Maybe get permission to talk to her teacher to see if there are areas you can help with.  Maybe if it’s a friend issue, the parents or teacher can suggest another child that would be a good fit and you might invite them over for some play dates.  This really helped my daughter feel more comfortable at school.  She had fun at school, but would often (daily for awhile) get hysterical when we would drop her off in 1st grade.

If you feel clueless, maybe this site might give you some ideas on what you should be looking at in terms of behaviour from her.

https://www.littleotterhealth.com/blog/advice-5-year-old-tantrums

From the reviews, this looks okay from the client’s POV, at least to do the online assessment if you are interested.

I can't wait to thoroughly read this wonderful response and apply it to myself and granddaughter. Excellent advice with the doll/stuffy and the link too. I am unable to read the whole thing at this second, but what I did read got me excited enough to respond quickly to thank you!! ❤️

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1 hour ago, Tacenda said:

Feeling a little worried about my 5 year old granddaughter. She turned 5 in August. I try to watch her every Friday after school. I have watched her every Thursday all day for nearly all of her 5 years. She has absolutely changed, feels like overnight. She has these horrific temper tantrums if things don't go her way or if something isn't perfect. The last three times I've watched her she has thrown things and it looks like a cyclone happening. The first time was when we played tic tac toe together and I blocked her zero with the x and she threw a fit, her room was a disaster which was once spotless. She has a playroom in my home. The second time we played Barbies, and she was mad because I dressed her Ken doll with a different outfit. The third time, today, we made a form of slime, more like a mix of play dough and slime. Well, at every turn she was getting mad. 

I did read an article that 4 and 5 year olds have worse temper tantrums than when they are 2 or 3 sometimes and it made me less worried. But curious to know if any of you have had these situations. I don't remember it with my own children, but maybe it was something I wanted to forget! :)

 

Do you just play with her or does she help out?  Does she dictate what you two do and when or have a routine?  She may feel more secure with clear expectations, don’t leave everything up to her.  

Edited by Calm
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11 minutes ago, Tacenda said:

I can't wait to thoroughly read this wonderful response and apply it to myself and granddaughter. Excellent advice with the doll/stuffy and the link too. I am unable to read the whole thing at this second, but what I did read got me excited enough to respond quickly to thank you!! ❤️

It’s fun going down memory lane.  My grandkids are 7th grade at the youngest 19 at the oldest.  My youngest still plays go fish with me, we have been doing that for 8 years, I think, maybe more, but no more reading books.  I need to get my lego spot fixed up (it has my ‘repair shop’ all over it right now), so we can still have something to do together.  I feel awkward drawing and I get frustrated because they don’t step into clean, so cooking with them is more chore for me than fun.  I want to start driving again so I can go back to taking them out to lunch at fun places.

So many things I wish I knew when I was going through it.

Edited by Calm
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2 minutes ago, Calm said:

Do you just play with her or does she help out?  Does she dictate what you two do and when or have a routine?

Yes, I play the whole time nearly (never did that with my own, too busy cleaning and watching other kids but tried to) she'll say what she wants to do. Somewhat of a routine. I think these temper tantrums stem from lack of sleep perhaps, starting kindergarten, being the only child and she constantly talks as if she will be a big sister one day. But I'm not sure if she will be getting one. I don't ask her parents, I figure if they want to tell me they will. 

She does get spoiled by her other grandma, maybe a bit too much. I know they say grandparents are allowed, but when you tend weekly, each of us did, then they turn into your own child somewhat. I'm trying to figure it out, and how best to react. 

You have suggested things I had not thought of. Appreciate the time you spend with me and others on the board. Hope you get some more sleep. Three hours was all you got? If remembering right. You take care Calm! 

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1 hour ago, Pyreaux said:

Send her to do a kid's karate class. It's a fairly safe environment that can be an outlet for her frustrations and if her teacher is good, she'll learn discipline too.

Funny that you said this. I have a foot stool that is round and flat on the bottom but tall and lightweight like a cylinder and cheap enough that I didn't worry about it. Just today, she was karate chopping it with her hands and feet. It made me wonder if my daughter and son in law put her in karate. If not, this is an excellent idea!! She even mentioned the word karate. :)

Edited by Tacenda
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2 hours ago, Tacenda said:

Three hours was all you got? If remembering right. You take care Calm! 

Yep, as long as it’s just one night it’s kind of fun.  Two nights and I start making risqué comments that sound just normal to me according to my daughter as she apparently learn a few things a little early and three nights in a row, I start to whine nonstop if I have spent the time in bed because the bed gets to be annoying rather than comforting or throw a temper tantrum of my own if I am up and about because there is always some that can piss me off if I try hard enough….usually because I clean nonstop for those three days and then someone leaves something out and it’s a tragedy to me.

I had a phone call wake me up this morning.  Unlikely to happen tomorrow, so my daughter won’t be sniggering.

Edited by Calm
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16 hours ago, Jeanne said:

I am not qualified to give you any advice but wanted to let you know that I think you are what every grandmother should be!

 

You're making me cry! Happy tears, for you saying that. I constantly think I'm not. Thanks Jeanne! ❤️

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https://www.parentingforbrain.com/tantrums-in-5-year-olds/

https://www.webmd.com/parenting/child-tantrum-behavior-disorder

https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/what-to-do-when-your-temper-flares-a-kids-guide-to-overcoming-problems-with-anger-what-to-do-guides-for-kids_dawn-huebner/308717/item/4161701/?mkwid=|    Dawn Huebner has some other books that might address other elements of tantrums too

dc&pcrid=77447028765180&pkw=&pmt=be&slid=&product=4161701&plc=&pgrid=1239149900900141&ptaid=pla-4581046492312219&msclkid=54d507b2eb951edeedf360b9e3e74ca5#idiq=4161701&edition=4532329

https://zonesofregulation.com/

 

https://childmind.org/article/what-not-to-do-when-your-child-is-having-a-tantrum/

 

If you have worked with Dawn Huebner's material and zones of regulation and aren't resolving the issues, you'll likely want to get your pediatrician to refer for evaluation of language and speech/hearing, developmental eye issues, neuropsych eval, and a BCBA do a Functional Behavioral Assessment  and rule in or out other possible challenges the child may have to figure out what the issues are.   

You may also want to keep records of what a child eats in relationship to their behaviors.  Every now and again the behavior is a manifestation of a food or other allergy.

And you might want a sleep study to rule out any sleep problems that may be the source of behavior.

(I do sped law for a living, though I don't anymore take cases, only helping parents in the background.  And I would urge parents not to agree to remove their children with behavioral issues from general ed, where they have healthy role models.   I tell parents that there is value in getting evaluations privately paid for by insurance (and a good source is always the university clinics which train therapists in the various areas as they are typically the most up to date and usually don't charge much when insurance doesn't want to pay.  But this is timed to university semesters, and there are often long wait lists.  And while parents are working on issues, they need to do everything they can to get themselves sufficient restful sleep.  Including getting the pediatrician to sign of on melatonin or glycine for parent and/or child, and/or using white noise and/or weighted blankets or something else.  If extended family can give parents off time once a week or once a month for 36-48 hours good for them.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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22 hours ago, rpn said:

https://www.parentingforbrain.com/tantrums-in-5-year-olds/

https://www.webmd.com/parenting/child-tantrum-behavior-disorder

https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/what-to-do-when-your-temper-flares-a-kids-guide-to-overcoming-problems-with-anger-what-to-do-guides-for-kids_dawn-huebner/308717/item/4161701/?mkwid=|    Dawn Huebner has some other books that might address other elements of tantrums too

dc&pcrid=77447028765180&pkw=&pmt=be&slid=&product=4161701&plc=&pgrid=1239149900900141&ptaid=pla-4581046492312219&msclkid=54d507b2eb951edeedf360b9e3e74ca5#idiq=4161701&edition=4532329

https://zonesofregulation.com/

 

https://childmind.org/article/what-not-to-do-when-your-child-is-having-a-tantrum/

 

If you have worked with Dawn Huebner's material and zones of regulation and aren't resolving the issues, you'll likely want to get your pediatrician to refer for evaluation of language and speech/hearing, developmental eye issues, neuropsych eval, and a BCBA do a Functional Behavioral Assessment  and rule in or out other possible challenges the child may have to figure out what the issues are.   

You may also want to keep records of what a child eats in relationship to their behaviors.  Every now and again the behavior is a manifestation of a food or other allergy.

And you might want a sleep study to rule out any sleep problems that may be the source of behavior.

(I do sped law for a living, though I don't anymore take cases, only helping parents in the background.  And I would urge parents not to agree to remove their children with behavioral issues from general ed, where they have healthy role models.   I tell parents that there is value in getting evaluations privately paid for by insurance (and a good source is always the university clinics which train therapists in the various areas as they are typically the most up to date and usually don't charge much when insurance doesn't want to pay.  But this is timed to university semesters, and there are often long wait lists.  And while parents are working on issues, they need to do everything they can to get themselves sufficient restful sleep.  Including getting the pediatrician to sign of on melatonin or glycine for parent and/or child, and/or using white noise and/or weighted blankets or something else.  If extended family can give parents off time once a week or once a month for 36-48 hours good for them.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks so much rpn!! These are ever so helpful suggestions, love the children's book idea as well. 

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On 10/11/2024 at 4:07 PM, Tacenda said:

Feeling a little worried about my 5 year old granddaughter. She turned 5 in August. I try to watch her every Friday after school. I have watched her every Thursday all day for nearly all of her 5 years. She has absolutely changed, feels like overnight. She has these horrific temper tantrums if things don't go her way or if something isn't perfect. The last three times I've watched her she has thrown things and it looks like a cyclone happening. The first time was when we played tic tac toe together and I blocked her zero with the x and she threw a fit, her room was a disaster which was once spotless. She has a playroom in my home. The second time we played Barbies, and she was mad because I dressed her Ken doll with a different outfit. The third time, today, we made a form of slime, more like a mix of play dough and slime. Well, at every turn she was getting mad. 

I did read an article that 4 and 5 year olds have worse temper tantrums than when they are 2 or 3 sometimes and it made me less worried. But curious to know if any of you have had these situations. I don't remember it with my own children, but maybe it was something I wanted to forget! :)

 

My mother always said that there were no terrible twos with me, but she didn't think she was going to survive the terrible fours.  Hopefully it's just a developmental spike but I think it's smart to keep an eye on it.  

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On 10/11/2024 at 8:10 PM, Calm said:

Yep, as long as it’s just one night it’s kind of fun.  Two nights and I start making risqué comments that sound just normal to me according to my daughter as she apparently learn a few things a little early and three nights in a row, I start to whine nonstop if I have spent the time in bed because the bed gets to be annoying rather than comforting or throw a temper tantrum of my own if I am up and about because there is always some that can piss me off if I try hard enough….usually because I clean nonstop for those three days and then someone leaves something out and it’s a tragedy to me.

I had a phone call wake me up this morning.  Unlikely to happen tomorrow, so my daughter won’t be sniggering.

I hope you don't mind the laugh upvote, you are funny Calm!! 

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15 hours ago, bluebell said:

My mother always said that there were no terrible twos with me, but she didn't think she was going to survive the terrible fours.  Hopefully it's just a developmental spike but I think it's smart to keep an eye on it.  

Terrible fours, love it! I hope my granddaughter could turn out like you, that would be great!

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1 hour ago, ZealouslyStriving said:

This is her to a T, but with different scenarios. I shared it with my daughter, her mom. :)

Something that came to mind is a memory I have and I think I was near this age, not sure but thinking I had to have been to have done what I did. I remember driving near my state capital with my mom and being really mad at her, back when we never wore seat belts in the late sixties, and I opened the door to get out while moving and she had to grab my arm and get me back in! 

Another memory is when I gathered my belongings in a paper sack and tried to run away, I maybe got four houses down the road before heading back. 

Here's a funny video I thought I could share here, already shared with my kids, maybe you're a nineties kid? 

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/Re2vS8RRmE15aA7U/

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On 10/12/2024 at 12:07 AM, Tacenda said:

Feeling a little worried about my 5 year old granddaughter. She turned 5 in August. I try to watch her every Friday after school. I have watched her every Thursday all day for nearly all of her 5 years. She has absolutely changed, feels like overnight. She has these horrific temper tantrums if things don't go her way or if something isn't perfect. The last three times I've watched her she has thrown things and it looks like a cyclone happening. The first time was when we played tic tac toe together and I blocked her zero with the x and she threw a fit, her room was a disaster which was once spotless. She has a playroom in my home. The second time we played Barbies, and she was mad because I dressed her Ken doll with a different outfit. The third time, today, we made a form of slime, more like a mix of play dough and slime. Well, at every turn she was getting mad. 

I did read an article that 4 and 5 year olds have worse temper tantrums than when they are 2 or 3 sometimes and it made me less worried. But curious to know if any of you have had these situations. I don't remember it with my own children, but maybe it was something I wanted to forget! :)

 

My sister had the same behaviors at that age. From the age of 4 a 5 years old she was really difficult to handle. If things didn't go her way she would scream. And with scream i mean really loud. She made a mess of her room. She was painting on the walles. And from time to time she had moments that she just run away (also in public) and my parents had a really hard time finding her back. Or she just hide herself somewhere in the house and my parents had a hard time finding her back. And they where worried as fuss. 

My advice is: discipline here where you can when she's at your home. And on other times when she is at her parents house then it's their responsibility offcourse. But never. Never! Hit her for her bad behavoir please, don't do that. My parents (especialy my dad) often hit my sister when she did those things and that had a catastrophic elaboration on her later life on when she had become an adult. Because nowadays she has all kinds of mental health problems and a lot of hate and anger in her. 

Edited by Dario_M
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8 hours ago, Dario_M said:

My sister had the same behaviors at that age. From the age of 4 a 5 years old she was really difficult to handle. If things didn't go her way she would scream. And with scream i mean really loud. She made a mess of her room. She was painting on the walles. And from time to time she had moments that she just run away (also in public) and my parents had a really hard time finding her back. Or she just hide herself somewhere in the house and my parents had a hard time finding her back. And they where worried as fuss. 

My advice is: discipline here where you can when she's at your home. And on other times when she is at her parents house then it's their responsibility offcourse. But never. Never! Hit her for her bad behavoir please, don't do that. My parents (especialy my dad) often hit my sister when she did those things and that had a catastrophic elaboration on her later life on when she had become an adult. Because nowadays she has all kinds of mental health problems and a lot of hate and anger in her. 

I would never hit, in fact I remember my mom telling me when I was a new mom, to never spank because it could hurt their spine. She said when she was young the most her mom would do is get a thin willow tree branch and use that, if at all. That was my mom when she raised me, except she would warn us as kids she was going to get the plastic spatula. But not one time would she use it on any of us. Just the threat was enough, my dad only slapped my face once as a teen when I said something totally disrespectful. And it was hardly a slap. And I got the side boot all the way to my room when a little younger once. And it was barely there. With my own kids I wouldn't let my husband spank, because of what my mom told me. According to my kids though there were times I would squeeze their arm. So I don't feel proud of that at all. Or they would have time out in their rooms. 

So not in a million years would I ever spank/hit my grandchild. And I appreciate your advice to not hit my granddaughter. And your stories of your little sister. It helped a lot!! My granddaughter is much better, knock on wood. (an expression to hopefully not have it happen again)

Hope you're enjoying a nice Sunday at church or wherever. :)

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1 hour ago, Tacenda said:

I would never hit, in fact I remember my mom telling me when I was a new mom, to never spank because it could hurt their spine.

Yeah exactly. It can even be dangerous for their spine. Plus it's also very humiliating. The child doesn't learn anything from their mistakes, the only thing the child learns is that he/she needs to be afrait for their parents. And on a later age it can cause mental health problems. 

1 hour ago, Tacenda said:

She said when she was young the most her mom would do is get a thin willow tree branch and use that, if at all.

🤣

1 hour ago, Tacenda said:

That was my mom when she raised me, except she would warn us as kids she was going to get the plastic spatula.

🤣

1 hour ago, Tacenda said:

But not one time would she use it on any of us. Just the threat was enough,

That was the big problem with my dad. He never warnt us bevore hitting. He just exploded unexpectedly and hit us. Hard. 

1 hour ago, Tacenda said:

my dad only slapped my face once as a teen when I said something totally disrespectful.

Poor you. 🫂

1 hour ago, Tacenda said:

And it was hardly a slap. And I got the side boot all the way to my room when a little younger once.

A side boot? What is that? 

1 hour ago, Tacenda said:

And it was barely there. With my own kids I wouldn't let my husband spank, because of what my mom told me. According to my kids though there were times I would squeeze their arm. So I don't feel proud of that at all. Or they would have time out in their rooms. 

I get that it can be tough. Children can get on your nerves. But getting pgysical is just not the way. 

1 hour ago, Tacenda said:

So not in a million years would I ever spank/hit my grandchild. And I appreciate your advice to not hit my granddaughter. And your stories of your little sister. It helped a lot!!

Yeah. But i don't like my sister at all though. She have hurted me really badly. And she is not little anymore. She is 30 now haha. I just wanted to demonstrate how bad it is to hit your child. Because i have experienced the devastation........and seen the devastation with my sister as well. And that is the result of the chosen upbringing of our parents. 

1 hour ago, Tacenda said:

Hope you're enjoying a nice Sunday at church or wherever. :)

Yeah i've allready been to church. 😉💫🕍

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2 hours ago, Dario_M said:

He never warnt us bevore hitting. He just exploded unexpectedly and hit us. Hard. 

That is the worse way to “punish”, won’t change the behavior one wants to change as it’s too unpredictable. Just creates fear and insecurity (based on behavioral psychology classes I took for my degree 45 years ago, lol)

Edited by Calm
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5 hours ago, Dario_M said:

Yeah exactly. It can even be dangerous for their spine. Plus it's also very humiliating. The child doesn't learn anything from their mistakes, the only thing the child learns is that he/she needs to be afrait for their parents. And on a later age it can cause mental health problems. 

🤣

🤣

That was the big problem with my dad. He never warnt us bevore hitting. He just exploded unexpectedly and hit us. Hard. 

Poor you. 🫂

A side boot? What is that? 

I get that it can be tough. Children can get on your nerves. But getting pgysical is just not the way. 

Yeah. But i don't like my sister at all though. She have hurted me really badly. And she is not little anymore. She is 30 now haha. I just wanted to demonstrate how bad it is to hit your child. Because i have experienced the devastation........and seen the devastation with my sister as well. And that is the result of the chosen upbringing of our parents. 

Yeah i've allready been to church. 😉💫🕍

A side boot, is he held my arm and swung me to my room and lightly kicked me with the side of his boot. Maybe it was more harmful than I'm willing to admit. Hurt my ego? And you're right, not hitting or anything like that should be done. I'm so sorry you went through what you did Dario. :(

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6 hours ago, Calm said:

That is the worse way to “punish”, won’t change the behavior one wants to change as it’s too unpredictable. Just creates fear and insecurity (based on behavioral psychology classes I took for my degree 45 years ago, lol)

Exactly this. 💯 it's the worse way to punish your child. The child get only more fear for his parents this way. I'm often angry on my dad that he have choosen to raise us like that. While it could have been so differend. 

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13 hours ago, Tacenda said:

A side boot, is he held my arm and swung me to my room and lightly kicked me with the side of his boot. Maybe it was more harmful than I'm willing to admit.

Yeah. I do believe that. Poor you. 🫂 It's still a damage for the ego indeed. I hope he didn't kicked you hard with the side of his boot though. 🫂 But...i also don't wanna trashtalk your dad offcourse so i'm carefull with my words you see. 

13 hours ago, Tacenda said:

Hurt my ego? And you're right, not hitting or anything like that should be done. I'm so sorry you went through what you did Dario. :(

Aaawh thank you so much. I'm sure there are people who have experienced worse through their childhood. There are so many ways to damage a child sadly. However...for me it's done because i have broken contact with my parents. It's over now. I need to give it a place. And maybe there will be a day that i can forgive my parents for their mistakes and failed education. 

Edited by Dario_M
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