Difficuld.

[Dario_M]

I'm sorry that i make another topic that... is about me crying again. But i can't sleep. I feel really depressed. Today went well. I did pray for a while. After that i walked 9.1 km. And my day was fine. But now i'm laying down in my bed. Next to my partner Feeling extremaly lonely. Knowing that when i wake up tomorrow the first thing i will do is probably crying. Trying to hide it for my partner Asking (begging) God for help. Take my pills. And wait till the pills work and i can face the day again. But it's hard. Right now i feel really really lonely. And stuck. I think that's the reason why i can't sleep right now. Because i feel so sad and lonely. I'm sorry for this... another cry topic. I've made so many of them allready. 

Well..i'm trying to fall asleep. Hope it will work out. 

Edited September 17 by Dario_M

[Dario_M]

I had a nightmare. 

[Okrahomer]

3 minutes ago, Dario_M said:

 

I had a nightmare

 

I’m sorry for your troubles, Brother Dario.  When I experience troubled sleep, I have found that writing in a journal can help — especially when I try to honestly examine what exactly it is that is discouraging me.  There are (or can be) moments of great clarity.  The amazing thing is that discouragement seems to shrink away in the face of such revelation.

 

[Dario_M]

8 minutes ago, Okrahomer said:

I’m sorry for your troubles, Brother Dario.

Thank you for your reaction. It's just lonylness i guess. And a lot have happend last year. I'm getting help for this. But i'm on a waithing list on the moment. 

8 minutes ago, Okrahomer said:

 When I experience troubled sleep, I have found that writing in a journal can help — especially when I try to honestly examine what exactly it is that is discouraging me.

In a journal? You mean that i need to write it down on paper? 

8 minutes ago, Okrahomer said:

 There are (or can be) moments of great clarity.  The amazing thing is that discouragement seems to shrink away in the face of such revelation.

 

That's interesting. That it can help so much. I can try that. Anything that can help me. Because this is quite turture. 

Edited September 18 by Dario_M

[Dario_M]

Oh my..i just have slept horible last night. Only 4 hours of sleep. 😓😭

Edited September 18 by Dario_M

[Dario_M]

At least i had walked 9.1 km. Luckely i'm not that tired from that tough night. 

Edited September 18 by Dario_M

[Dario_M]

Thank you Calm. 🩵

[Calm]

2 hours ago, Dario_M said:

Thank you Calm. 🩵

I had a much nicer night last night.  (Which is why I resisted posting and just indicated I understood…hopefully that came across because you know I can relate at least to the sleeplessness and depression even if my depression is tied up more in genetics and now health.)

My restless legs, body really, finally settled down after the nerve test last week.  

I hope you get some good nights too.  I wish I could do more than pray for you.

[Dario_M]

1 hour ago, Calm said:

I had a much nicer night last night.  (Which is why I resisted posting and just indicated I understood…hopefully that came across because you know I can relate at least to the sleeplessness and depression even if my depression is tied up more in genetics and now health.)

Offcourse Calm i fully understand that. I'm glad that you had a good night sleep. I will pray for myself that i will get a goodnight sleep this night🙏

1 hour ago, Calm said:

My restless legs, body really, finally settled down after the nerve test last week.  

Oh my. That must be so painfull Calm. I hope you will not have pain. 

1 hour ago, Calm said:

I hope you get some good nights too.  I wish I could do more than pray for you.

Your payers are really powerfull. I believe that bound to be enough. 💙🩵💜

Edited September 18 by Dario_M

[Dario_M]

I just remember something. Before my parents and my sister moved to Portugal they promised me that i was always welcome to come over to their appartment. So i did come over a lot of times (wich wasn't easy because it was in the middle of the corona pandemic) but despite that i traveled aften to Portugal too see them. My sister was not so happy with that. She thought i was taking all their attention. At some point she hardly talked with me. When i confronted her with that she told me that i needed to shut up and leave her alone. It went to an argument. And after that she was completaly done with me and never spoke a word to me. My parents were of the opinion that it was my fault and choosed her side. After a long while my parents were getting more and more distant with me. I was not always welcome at their appartment anymore and they told me that i needed to be independent. Whether i shoose to live in Portugal or in the Netherlands. But i needed to take care of myself. On special days like news year eve i was not welcome to spend that night with my parents and other family members. Because my sister didn't want me there. And my parents argeed with her. And slowly but surly the relationship with my parents became les and les. At this point i was not so much welcome anymore as they had previously promised in the beginning. Our connection faded away. 

I was never really close with my dad. But i do was close with my sister and my mom. But now there is nothing left of it anymore. 😞

Edited September 19 by Dario_M

[Calm]

2 hours ago, Dario_M said:

That must be so painfull Calm.

Not that bad. It just set off the rls like crazy. Reminded me of the old days when it wasn’t controlled.  

[Dario_M]

7 minutes ago, Calm said:

Not that bad. It just set off the rls like crazy. Reminded me of the old days when it wasn’t controlled.  

Poor you. I hope it will not get worse for the future. Having pain is horible. Especially if you can't sleep because of it. Well..i will pray to God for you that you will have a good nightsleep for this comming night. 🙏

[Okrahomer]

17 hours ago, Dario_M said:

n a journal? You mean that i need to write it down on paper

I don’t think it matters whether you write it down on paper or you type it into a computer document.  Writing for me forces me to examine the source of the discouragement, how it started and what makes it worse; and then to think about steps I can take to resolve or fix it.  But I think you are actually doing some of this right now in your posts here. 

[The Nehor]

*Big Internet Hug*

Hope it gets better soon buddy.

[Calm]

1 hour ago, Okrahomer said:

I don’t think it matters whether you write it down on paper or you type it into a computer document.  Writing for me forces me to examine the source of the discouragement, how it started and what makes it worse; and then to think about steps I can take to resolve or fix it.  But I think you are actually doing some of this right now in your posts here. 

The board works a lot this way for me.

[Dario_M]

5 hours ago, The Nehor said:

*Big Internet Hug*

Hope it gets better soon buddy.

Aaawh. You're always so nice to me when i'm having a hard time. 🫂

[Dario_M]

9 hours ago, Okrahomer said:

I don’t think it matters whether you write it down on paper or you type it into a computer document.  Writing for me forces me to examine the source of the discouragement, how it started and what makes it worse; and then to think about steps I can take to resolve or fix it.  But I think you are actually doing some of this right now in your posts here. 

Yeah right now i'm doing it here. Because people can read it if they want too. If i'm writing it down or typing it on my computer nobody will see it. It can still be a good idea of you. But anyway then i'm still alone with my problem. Now i'm typing it here so that if somebody wants to read it he/she can think with me about some kind of solution. But i gotta admit i make way to much of these cry topics though. 

Edited September 19 by Dario_M

[Dario_M]

5 hours ago, Calm said:

The board works a lot this way for me.

This is so true. 

[Calm]

18 minutes ago, Dario_M said:

But anyway then i'm still alone with my problem. Now i'm typing it here so that if somebody wants to read it he/she can think with me about some kind of solution.

I find the same thing is helpful. I think by talking about something (even if the conversation is in my head, but mostly I am speaking aloud even in an empty room…or writing here) and though I don’t always need for someone to respond, somehow the possibility that there may be feedback and a shared connection helps draw ideas out, gives me a reason to try to make my thoughts coherent and it helps take out some of the emotion that can come when I get on the hamster wheel and its negative, which ramps up the negativity and makes depression harder to endure. 

I do read all your posts and I think about them a lot too. I even share our interaction with my husband sometimes (he knows about a few people on the board that way, lol, since this is my major social circle).

I may not respond because sometimes my brain just isn’t able to, it gets in a decision lock where I can’t make even a simple decision whether to rep or not or it’s inertia, I am up for reading but moving enough to write ain’t going to happen.  Or a big one, I may be out of rep points and am worried if I write something, even something very short, it will trigger a hyper focus (my brain has been trained to expect interesting things from the board because there are so many, so I can hyper focus way too easily now when I come on…just proved my point as I realized I was supposed to take my meds some hours ago, so it happened again, lol.)

Anyway, you can know I view it as you are having a conversation with me even if I am silent at times. 

[Dario_M]

1 hour ago, Calm said:

I find the same thing is helpful. I think by talking about something (even if the conversation is in my head, but mostly I am speaking aloud even in an empty room…or writing here) and though I don’t always need for someone to respond, somehow the possibility that there may be feedback and a shared connection helps draw ideas out, gives me a reason to try to make my thoughts coherent and it helps take out some of the emotion that can come when I get on the hamster wheel and its negative, which ramps up the negativity and makes depression harder to endure. 

Omg..i have the same thing. You're exactly telling me why i'm typing it all down on here. In hope for an emotional connection. They don't even need to respond. They idea that they're reading it allready gives me some sort of high. Somebody is paying attention on me. That just....i don't know..feels better. The depression will always stay though. Except if i take a lot of my medication. Then my depression is temporarily gone.

1 hour ago, Calm said:

I do read all your posts and I think about them a lot too. I even share our interaction with my husband sometimes (he knows about a few people on the board that way, lol, since this is my major social circle)

 

Omg really. That's so cool. I gotta admit that i also have talked a lot about you to my boyfriend. 😉 I've shared our conversations with him. And he loves to hear about it. 

1 hour ago, Calm said:

I may not respond because sometimes my brain just isn’t able to, it gets in a decision lock where I can’t make even a simple decision whether to rep or not or it’s inertia, I am up for reading but moving enough to write ain’t going to happen.

Oh but that's fine. I know that's it's a lot. And to respond on all the things i typ is just to much. I'm also aware that i'm not the must positive spirit on here. Posts from other members on the board are just more chearfull. 

1 hour ago, Calm said:

 Or a big one, I may be out of rep points and am worried if I write something, even something very short, it will trigger a hyper focus (my brain has been trained to expect interesting things from the board because there are so many, so I can hyper focus way too easily now when I come on…just proved my point as I realized I was supposed to take my meds some hours ago, so it happened again, lol.)

Oh really you also take medication? Medication helps a lot in my experience. I also feel the same way about interesting posters on here as well. I'm not gonna mention names..but some of the people here are having really interesting posts. 🤣

1 hour ago, Calm said:

Anyway, you can know I view it as you are having a conversation with me even if I am silent at times. 

I know. I know that you and a lot of other eyes are watching. And that's exactly how i want it to be. 🩵

Edited September 19 by Dario_M

[Calm]

16 minutes ago, Dario_M said:

Somebody is paying attention on me. That just....i don't know..feels bette

Yeah, this is it.  

It’s important to feel you matter and people paying attention to each other is the best way imo to convey that to others, better than awards or pats on the backs that are great, but just last a moment. Ongoing attention means you are investing in the other person, means they have value for you.

It may not make the depression go away, but for me it gives me another reason to endure it. And those are so important. 

And thankfully these days there are fewer days of depression and more days of contentment.  I think I am finally being able to make use of a lot of what I have learned over the years and having a doctor who wants to make things better rather than settling for good enough is making a difference. 

They are getting more knowledgeable all the time about depression, so hopefully you won’t have to wait as long to get it figured out for you.  
 

 

[Dario_M]

25 minutes ago, Calm said:

Yeah, this is it.  

It’s important to feel you matter and people paying attention to each other is the best way imo to convey that to others, better than awards or pats on the backs that are great, but just last a moment. Ongoing attention means you are investing in the other person, means they have value for you.

Yes exactly this. And this is a great place to share different ideas. About so many things. Sometimes other people can give you a realitycheck about yourself. And that gives room for thoughts. Things you weren't even aware bevore are getting clear now. You learn things. And that has a lot of value. And that's what life is all about i think. 

25 minutes ago, Calm said:

It may not make the depression go away, but for me it gives me another reason to endure it. And those are so important. 

Yeah. You are so right. This can distract a bit from the despression. Allthough i gotta notice that i'm also really glad that medication excist as well. 

25 minutes ago, Calm said:

And thankfully these days there are fewer days of depression and more days of contentment.  I think I am finally being able to make use of a lot of what I have learned over the years and having a doctor who wants to make things better rather than settling for good enough is making a difference. 

That sounds really positive. It's really good that you have a nice doctor. That will help a lot for you i think. Btw...i've noticed that you have been here on this board for a really long time Calm. How was this forum bevore my time? How did you experienced it on here? Years ago? 

25 minutes ago, Calm said:

They are getting more knowledgeable all the time about depression, so hopefully you won’t have to wait as long to get it figured out for you.  
 

 

Yeah i'm on a waiting list. So i need to wait. It's really bussy here because so many people are dealing with depression. There are a lot of suicides here as well. A lot of times you hear on the news that somebody had jumped in front of a speeding train. Or they find other ways to do it. It's quite said. So the mental healthcare here is really bussy with those casus.  

Edited September 19 by Dario_M

[Calm]

1 hour ago, Dario_M said:

Oh really you also take medication?

I have hypothyroidism, so that’s a thyroid supplement I have to take or else I just shut down energy wise and become a dark and anxious beast who hides in my bed.  Then there are my restless legs syndrome meds, which happen to be pain killers as well which is handy as my stomach does not like ibuprofen.  Also dry up my sinuses so allergies aren't as bad, lol. 

Stuff like muscle relaxants and many sleep meds actually make the restlessness worse as well as most antidepressants, so I am not on any anti depressants.  Gabepentin worked nicely for both pain and depression, but it eventually worsened the rls for me, so I only use it when depression or anxiety get bad now.  What is weird is my daughter uses it for her restless legs as do lots of people.  But my body likes to do things the hard way I guess.  

Then I take a sleep aid most nights as my brain just won’t turn off on its own…as should be obvious. It is a new one that doesn’t leave me with a hangover all day. And nonaddictive. 

I also take magnesium as that helps the restlessness a lot, vitamin D with Vit K as I don’t get enough sun (skin cancer runs rampant in my family, so it’s intentional, the doctor says my skin is in great shape so there’s a big win), and a high quality fish oil (tastes really good, light citrus flavor, I put it on my sweet potato, Carlson’s Norwegian I think in case anyone is interested, first time I ever enjoyed fish oil) for my neuropathy in my feet ( otherwise they oddly burn).  I think the magnesium, fish oil, and vit d combo helps the depression as well, but it may be more that I am taking the supplements because I am already feeling better and so taking better care of myself. Hard to tell. 
 

Consistent moving exercise (more cardio than resistance training, though a mix works well) at least 3 times a week for an hour is the best antidepressant for me I have found.  When I could walk long enough, I did the treadmill for 20 minutes to 45 a day and did very well. I would love a pool in the backyard so I could swim daily, but they are too hard to keep up even if we could afford enclosing one so I could use it year round.

That’s why I am always happy when I hear you have gone for a walk.  It may not work as well for you as it did for me, but it was a lifesaver at times for me.  Taking music along if I am in hamster wheel mode with negative thoughts helps a lot as well.  I like songs I can sing along with mixed in with variety so it never gets boring.  Preferable with a strong beat to help me move    I even have a waterproof headset to listen to while swimming.  I like the bone conducting versions as earbuds hurt my ears (mentioning this not to complain, but as a suggestion for others).  I use the silicone putty earplugs on top of that to really lose myself in the music.  Helps with the boredom of swimming laps.  I just zone out.  It’s quite peaceful .

I have tried a lot of other medications besides the above over the years as the doctors misdiagnosed my sleep disorder, the rls, as straight depression for 2 decades. They weren’t listening, but also rls was pretty unknown back then. Wasn’t until the 1990s that the medical establishment started paying attention to it, so part of me keeps telling myself it wasn’t their fault, but sometimes I get really angry and feel like they ruined my life because the drugs they gave me made my rls much worse than it would ever have been.  I am working on forgiving them. It’s not easy.  

Edited September 19 by Calm

[Dario_M]

4 minutes ago, Calm said:

I have hypothyroidism, so that’s a thyroid supplement I have to take or else I just shut down energy wise and become a dark and anxious beast who hides in my bed.  Then there are my restless legs syndrome meds, which happen to be pain killers as well which is handy as my stomach does not like ibuprofen.  Also dry up my sinuses so allergies aren't as bad, lol. 

Oh do you have problems with your thyroid? Be carefull with that because sometimes thyroid problems can develop into something malignant. (I don't wanna make you scared offcourse) But yeah.... that's something you absolutely don't want. Let your thyroid checked out ones in a while. 

4 minutes ago, Calm said:

Stuff like muscle relaxants and many sleep meds actually make the restlessness worse as well as most antidepressants, so I am not on any anti depressants.

Meds can help though. I take bezodiasepines, Lorazepam. And it works great. The more i take the better i sleep. So those kinds of medication can help a lot. Antidepressants are also not my cop of tea. It takes a lot of time bevore they have an positive affect on you. Can take months bevore those meds work.  

4 minutes ago, Calm said:

 Gabepentin worked nicely for both pain and depression, but it eventually worsened the rls for me, so I only use it when depression or anxiety get bad now.  What is weird is my daughter uses it for her restless legs as do lots of people.  But my body likes to do things the hard way I guess.  

You're a special case Calm. 🤣 i've never heart of Gabepentin. Does it helps a lot for depression?

4 minutes ago, Calm said:

Consistent moving exercise (more cardio than resistance training, though a mix works well) at least 3 times a week for an hour is the best antidepressant for me I have found.

I'm 100% agree with you. When i walk a lot i feel better afterwards. 

4 minutes ago, Calm said:

 When I could walk, I did the treadmill for 20 minutes to 45 a day and did very well. I would love a pool in the backyard so I could swim daily, but they are too hard to keep up even if we could afford enclosing one so I could use it year round.

A pool in the garden. That sounds so fancy. If you have the space for it why not. It can be a really good way to relax. Especially on a hot day. Then it can be such a kind relief to take a dip in the pool. 

4 minutes ago, Calm said:

That’s why I am always happy when I hear you have gone for a walk.  It may not work as well for you as it did for me, but it was a lifesaver at times for me.

 

It works quite well for me as well. I love to walk to the coast. It absolutely helps me. 

4 minutes ago, Calm said:

 Taking music along if I am in hamster wheel mode with negative thoughts helps a lot as well.  I like songs I can sing along with mixed in with variety so it never gets boring.  Preferable with a strong beat to help me move   

What kind of music do you like if i may be so free to ask? You don't have to tell it to me offcourse. But i'm just curious to know. 

4 minutes ago, Calm said:

I even have a waterproof headset to listen to while swimming.  I like the bone conducting versions as earbuds hurt my ears (mentioning this not to complain, but as a suggestion for others).  I use the silicone putty earplugs on top of that to really lose myself in the music.  Helps with the boredom of swimming laps.  I just zone out.  It’s quite peaceful .

Ooh cool. Do you swim a lot? That must be kinda relaxing for sure. For me at has been a while ago the last time i took a swam. 

4 minutes ago, Calm said:

I have tried a lot of other medications besides the above over the years as the doctors misdiagnosed my sleep disorder, the rls, as straight depression for 2 decades. They weren’t listening, but also rls was pretty unknown back then. Wasn’t until the 1990s that the medical establishment started paying attention to it, so part of me keeps telling myself it wasn’t their fault, but sometimes I get really angry and feel like they ruined my life because the drugs they gave me made my rls much worse than it would have been.  I am working on forgiving them. It’s not easy.  

Ooh Calm. I know everything about that believe me. I know exactly how you feel. Getting the wrong medication can be really dangerous and can damage your health for good. And that is unforgivable. I'm sorry you had to indure that. 😞 those doctors who've done that makes me so angry. And they are not the ones that get affected by it. 

[rpn]

Sounds like OP would benefit from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (which almost all therapists claim they do, but few actually do with fidelity).  It teaches how to think healthy, which eliminates the distortions that interfere with figuring things out.    You can find all the exercises in Dr. David Burns' "Feeling Good" or newer, but IMHO not better "Feeling Great".   There is also a lite version online at htpps://www/ecouch.com.au  

Glycine is useful for getting to sleep.  As is white noise and/or weighted blankets