Forgiveness and trauma

[jkwilliams]

Tomorrow is the funeral of my former mission companion and roommate. We really connected during the six months we were companions. We were so close that the other missionaries in our house said we were like brothers. And we really were. 

After our missions, we roomed together at BYU. I should have seen the signs, but I didn’t. I was very naive. But one night I woke up in the middle of the night, and he was in my bed sexually assaulting me. I was shocked and hurt, but I just kept it to myself, especially after he said he was meeting with the bishop. 

I suppose I felt I had to be the better person and forgive. I felt sorry for him, and twice I went way out of my way to help him get a new job. It wasn’t until 20 years later that I confronted him and told him how much he had hurt me and how he had affected my ability to trust anyone. 

He’s had a hard life, and he dealt with the disconnects in his life by drinking a lot, and that eventually killed him. I long ago forgave him, but this last week all the hurt and anger are back, especially since all my mission friends are saying he was a great man, an “angel,” and a “spiritual giant.” I just have kept my feelings to myself. 

But I keep wondering how to deal with these bad and stressful feelings. Thinking about finding a therapist here in Ohio. I don’t know that I’m asking for advice, just trying to figure out what to do. 

[Tacenda]

 

So frustrating for you to have to see people praising the guy like that and that you've had to live with that trauma all these years and probably keeping it to yourself I'm thinking.  

I hope you find a therapist that will help get you in a good head set. 🤗 

Sadly there are such high numbers of people that have suffered by these instances. 

Edited October 14, 2023 by Tacenda

[rpn]

He obviously carried a lot of baggage.   If you can't shake it off, then get EMDR therapy.     It is pretty normal for trauma to be retriggered over a lifetime, from time to time.    And it is okay to excuse yourself when the accolades don't reflect your knowledge or you just can't do it.    I'm so sorry.

[Rain]

14 hours ago, jkwilliams said:

Tomorrow is the funeral of my former mission companion and roommate. We really connected during the six months we were companions. We were so close that the other missionaries in our house said we were like brothers. And we really were. 

After our missions, we roomed together at BYU. I should have seen the signs, but I didn’t. I was very naive. But one night I woke up in the middle of the night, and he was in my bed sexually assaulting me. I was shocked and hurt, but I just kept it to myself, especially after he said he was meeting with the bishop. 

I suppose I felt I had to be the better person and forgive. I felt sorry for him, and twice I went way out of my way to help him get a new job. It wasn’t until 20 years later that I confronted him and told him how much he had hurt me and how he had affected my ability to trust anyone. 

He’s had a hard life, and he dealt with the disconnects in his life by drinking a lot, and that eventually killed him. I long ago forgave him, but this last week all the hurt and anger are back, especially since all my mission friends are saying he was a great man, an “angel,” and a “spiritual giant.” I just have kept my feelings to myself. 

But I keep wondering how to deal with these bad and stressful feelings. Thinking about finding a therapist here in Ohio. I don’t know that I’m asking for advice, just trying to figure out what to do. 

That's really rough on you.  You felt he was a safe place only to discover he was more of a danger than other places.  And now to deal with it later when you felt more safe again just throws you back into it all again.  I hope you find healing. 

[BlueDreams]

17 hours ago, jkwilliams said:

Tomorrow is the funeral of my former mission companion and roommate. We really connected during the six months we were companions. We were so close that the other missionaries in our house said we were like brothers. And we really were. 

After our missions, we roomed together at BYU. I should have seen the signs, but I didn’t. I was very naive. But one night I woke up in the middle of the night, and he was in my bed sexually assaulting me. I was shocked and hurt, but I just kept it to myself, especially after he said he was meeting with the bishop. 

I suppose I felt I had to be the better person and forgive. I felt sorry for him, and twice I went way out of my way to help him get a new job. It wasn’t until 20 years later that I confronted him and told him how much he had hurt me and how he had affected my ability to trust anyone. 

He’s had a hard life, and he dealt with the disconnects in his life by drinking a lot, and that eventually killed him. I long ago forgave him, but this last week all the hurt and anger are back, especially since all my mission friends are saying he was a great man, an “angel,” and a “spiritual giant.” I just have kept my feelings to myself. 

But I keep wondering how to deal with these bad and stressful feelings. Thinking about finding a therapist here in Ohio. I don’t know that I’m asking for advice, just trying to figure out what to do. 

I'm so sorry. I think therapy would be great. It can be so helpful, especially when you can find the right fit for you. 

IMHO, I think sharing your truth with others is needed. He may have been a great missionary. But he was also a man who ended up seriously harming others. I get that he was in pain and struggling, but I strongly don't believe anyone's pain justifies harming others.

Obviously you don't need to broadcast it to the world. But you can share it with people who directly engage with you and care about you. 

 

Also it's quite common for pain to resurface with events like this. I had a grandfather who died on my mission. Years early it had come out that he'd molested several family members including a young cousin. I wrote him off as dead and generally didn't think about him except when I had to. So I assumed it would be nothing but a relief once he died because it would mean he'd never come up again in my life. It wasn't and I had to rework what that meant for me. It turned into a really healing and profound experience, so I'm glad I didn't try to ignore my hurt. 

 

I wish you the best with exploring your own pain

With luv,

BD 

[MustardSeed]

That should have never happened to you, I’m sorry. People are complicated.  

[MorningStar]

That's so horrible. I'm sorry.  I hope you don't feel obligated to attend his funeral either in person or virtually. 

[jkwilliams]

Thanks for the kindness and support. I just needed to vent a little. I went back and forth and finally decided to watch the funeral stream. I’m glad I did because they acknowledged he was a troubled soul, but it reminded me that there was a lot of good in him. It’s ok to have mixed emotions. It was also good to see my mission president, who spoke. 

My nephew Josh is headed to Israel this morning. Please keep him in your prayers.

[CV75]

On 10/13/2023 at 7:36 PM, jkwilliams said:

Tomorrow is the funeral of my former mission companion and roommate. We really connected during the six months we were companions. We were so close that the other missionaries in our house said we were like brothers. And we really were. 

After our missions, we roomed together at BYU. I should have seen the signs, but I didn’t. I was very naive. But one night I woke up in the middle of the night, and he was in my bed sexually assaulting me. I was shocked and hurt, but I just kept it to myself, especially after he said he was meeting with the bishop. 

I suppose I felt I had to be the better person and forgive. I felt sorry for him, and twice I went way out of my way to help him get a new job. It wasn’t until 20 years later that I confronted him and told him how much he had hurt me and how he had affected my ability to trust anyone. 

He’s had a hard life, and he dealt with the disconnects in his life by drinking a lot, and that eventually killed him. I long ago forgave him, but this last week all the hurt and anger are back, especially since all my mission friends are saying he was a great man, an “angel,” and a “spiritual giant.” I just have kept my feelings to myself. 

But I keep wondering how to deal with these bad and stressful feelings. Thinking about finding a therapist here in Ohio. I don’t know that I’m asking for advice, just trying to figure out what to do. 

I think therapy is very beneficial. This will help let go of anger and guilt so as not to impede life choices and relationships. Spiritual, Chris-centered forgiveness is a bit more since it requires pardoning, commuting vengeance, and obtaining healing through Christ. Spiritual giants are still human and do have cracks in their amour that are not always checked. Resonating personalities is not the same as resonating moralities or spiritualities. I wish you well in your healing.

[PortalToParis]

EMDR is a really great trauma therapy that is super effective at resolving longstanding pain that has not dissipated with time. I highly recommend looking into it for yourself.

[Bill “Papa” Lee]

On 10/13/2023 at 7:36 PM, jkwilliams said:

Tomorrow is the funeral of my former mission companion and roommate. We really connected during the six months we were companions. We were so close that the other missionaries in our house said we were like brothers. And we really were. 

After our missions, we roomed together at BYU. I should have seen the signs, but I didn’t. I was very naive. But one night I woke up in the middle of the night, and he was in my bed sexually assaulting me. I was shocked and hurt, but I just kept it to myself, especially after he said he was meeting with the bishop. 

I suppose I felt I had to be the better person and forgive. I felt sorry for him, and twice I went way out of my way to help him get a new job. It wasn’t until 20 years later that I confronted him and told him how much he had hurt me and how he had affected my ability to trust anyone. 

My heart breaks for you, also in the end we must all forgive to be forgiven, according to the Atonement of Jesus Christ. As a retired Police Officer, I can tell you that he was probably repeating something from his own awful past, where he too was sexually assaulted. 

[jkwilliams]

37 minutes ago, Bill “Papa” Lee said:

My heart breaks for you, also in the end we must all forgive to be forgiven, according to the Atonement of Jesus Christ. As a retired Police Officer, I can tell you that he was probably repeating something from his own awful past, where he too was sexually assaulted. 

Thank you. I have had several dreams lately in which he and I are able to recognize the love we still have for each other. It’s been very healing. 

And for anyone who is interested, my nephew is stationed on the Lebanese border. Praying that he stays safe. 

[Kenngo1969]

Please forgive my loss for words here, John.  I wish you, and everyone else involved, all of the best.  I really do.  (I know words aren't nearly enough, but, Alas!, words are all I have.)

I'm sorry.

Again, All the Best,

-Ken

[Bill “Papa” Lee]

18 hours ago, jkwilliams said:

Thank you. I have had several dreams lately in which he and I are able to recognize the love we still have for each other. It’s been very healing. 

And for anyone who is interested, my nephew is stationed on the Lebanese border. Praying that he stays safe. 

I am happy you are able to find some peace, and using the Grace of Jesus Christ, to help you both heal, and forgive fully. 
 

As for your nephew, having served for many years in a “forward areas”, and knowing of such stress, he will be in my prayers. Military service is demanding, but also rewarding. I pray for his safety, and hope he never experiences some of the things I did. Sadly, we live in a world, that is never at peace. Regardless, soldiers can feel peace in their call of Service. 
 

God bless you my friend…

Bill Lee 

[rodheadlee]

On 10/13/2023 at 4:36 PM, jkwilliams said:

Tomorrow is the funeral of my former mission companion and roommate. We really connected during the six months we were companions. We were so close that the other missionaries in our house said we were like brothers. And we really were. 

After our missions, we roomed together at BYU. I should have seen the signs, but I didn’t. I was very naive. But one night I woke up in the middle of the night, and he was in my bed sexually assaulting me. I was shocked and hurt, but I just kept it to myself, especially after he said he was meeting with the bishop. 

I suppose I felt I had to be the better person and forgive. I felt sorry for him, and twice I went way out of my way to help him get a new job. It wasn’t until 20 years later that I confronted him and told him how much he had hurt me and how he had affected my ability to trust anyone. 

He’s had a hard life, and he dealt with the disconnects in his life by drinking a lot, and that eventually killed him. I long ago forgave him, but this last week all the hurt and anger are back, especially since all my mission friends are saying he was a great man, an “angel,” and a “spiritual giant.” I just have kept my feelings to myself. 

But I keep wondering how to deal with these bad and stressful feelings. Thinking about finding a therapist here in Ohio. I don’t know that I’m asking for advice, just trying to figure out what to do. 

That happened to me once too. Neither of us were in the church. We were in Cub Scouts though. He is dead, I am not. It's not that hard to move on. Live your life. Love your family. I was younger maybe that made it easier. 

[Jeanne]

A cyber hug here,,,,I can't imagine having so many different feelings in your loss.

Keep us posted on how things go and how you are dealing.  Your example has taught us so much.

He is at peace.  

Jeanne

[jkwilliams]

20 hours ago, rodheadlee said:

That happened to me once too. Neither of us were in the church. We were in Cub Scouts though. He is dead, I am not. It's not that hard to move on. Live your life. Love your family. I was younger maybe that made it easier. 

I’ve moved on. It just kind of took me surprise all the emotions that came back when he died. I’m certainly not brooding about it.

[jkwilliams]

6 hours ago, Jeanne said:

A cyber hug here,,,,I can't imagine having so many different feelings in your loss.

Keep us posted on how things go and how you are dealing.  Your example has taught us so much.

He is at peace.  

Jeanne

I’m at peace, too. Just had to deal with the immediate aftermath of his death and the feelings it dredged up. 

[Stargazer]

On 10/14/2023 at 12:36 AM, jkwilliams said:

But I keep wondering how to deal with these bad and stressful feelings. Thinking about finding a therapist here in Ohio. I don’t know that I’m asking for advice, just trying to figure out what to do. 

I wish you Godspeed in resolving this, John! 

My youngest son has been estranged from the family for several years, due to his paranoid personality disorder (undiagnosed, but he had most of the hallmarks). He lives in a tent in the woods somewhere, apparently because he can't manage to live among people. It's taken me a long time to finally come to terms with the hurtful things he did and said that led to my having to have him removed from my home (he was nearly 30 by then, so he wasn't a child). I've worried about him a lot, how he might be doing, whether there's anything I could do to help him, but always in the back of my mind there was this deep resentment about some of the unnecessary and hurtful (to me) things he said about his mother while she was on her death bed.

I've finally reached the point where I can feel to just let my feelings against him go and reach out to him to see if there is something I can do to help. I doubt there is anything I can do.

But your post (which I only just saw, having taken a few months break from this place) made me think that perhaps I should be thinking about talking to a therapist about this. 

So, thanks for that.

[Calm]

You should talk to someone, it’s remarkable how faded feelings can bounce back when left unresolved.  Time does not heal all things.  It just scabs them over until the scab gets ripped off by something a little too familiar. 

[MustardSeed]

Will someone describe what talking about a trauma actually does for a person? I’m too close to it, but asking for a friend.  Seems like a dumb question from a therapist I know. 

[Rain]

On 12/22/2023 at 4:08 PM, jkwilliams said:

I’ve moved on. It just kind of took me surprise all the emotions that came back when he died. I’m certainly not brooding about it.

Yes, death brings up a lot of things you might not known were there. And sometimes at the strangest times too.

[Rain]

16 hours ago, MustardSeed said:

Will someone describe what talking about a trauma actually does for a person? I’m too close to it, but asking for a friend.  Seems like a dumb question from a therapist I know. 

This may give you some insight into it.  It's not talking, but journaling your most traumatic experience 4 times and the science behind it.  

Edited December 25, 2023 by Rain

[Calm]

16 hours ago, MustardSeed said:

Will someone describe what talking about a trauma actually does for a person? I’m too close to it, but asking for a friend.  Seems like a dumb question from a therapist I know. 

I have yet to resolve mine, but I have framed them in a much more realistic view so I don’t feel like I was an idiot because I reacted like a child reacts and not like some object that could be pushed here and there without being affected as well as realizing it was a major trauma and not no big deal just because I had my physical needs met.  Nor do I need to feel forced to diminish my reactions because they were doing the best they could nor should I feel guilty about my anger about those who put the responsibility for adult choices on us kids instead of owning their choices as they were capable of doing even if they had to make those choices because of other limitations.

No life changing, cleansing of the core or healing of the hurt aha moments yet, but I do feel more in control now.  Understanding causes may not remove the damage or the sensitivity, but it trims some of the baggage.

Understanding is not enough though.

Edited December 25, 2023 by Calm

[Calm]

3 hours ago, Rain said:

This may give you some insight into it.  It's not talking, but journaling your most traumatic experience 4 times and the science behind it.  

Link didn’t work for me.  What was the name please?