Forgiveness and trauma

[jkwilliams]

Tomorrow is the funeral of my former mission companion and roommate. We really connected during the six months we were companions. We were so close that the other missionaries in our house said we were like brothers. And we really were. 

After our missions, we roomed together at BYU. I should have seen the signs, but I didn’t. I was very naive. But one night I woke up in the middle of the night, and he was in my bed sexually assaulting me. I was shocked and hurt, but I just kept it to myself, especially after he said he was meeting with the bishop. 

I suppose I felt I had to be the better person and forgive. I felt sorry for him, and twice I went way out of my way to help him get a new job. It wasn’t until 20 years later that I confronted him and told him how much he had hurt me and how he had affected my ability to trust anyone. 

He’s had a hard life, and he dealt with the disconnects in his life by drinking a lot, and that eventually killed him. I long ago forgave him, but this last week all the hurt and anger are back, especially since all my mission friends are saying he was a great man, an “angel,” and a “spiritual giant.” I just have kept my feelings to myself. 

But I keep wondering how to deal with these bad and stressful feelings. Thinking about finding a therapist here in Ohio. I don’t know that I’m asking for advice, just trying to figure out what to do. 

[Tacenda]

 

So frustrating for you to have to see people praising the guy like that and that you've had to live with that trauma all these years and probably keeping it to yourself I'm thinking.  

I hope you find a therapist that will help get you in a good head set. 🤗 

Sadly there are such high numbers of people that have suffered by these instances. 

Edited October 14 by Tacenda

[rpn]

He obviously carried a lot of baggage.   If you can't shake it off, then get EMDR therapy.     It is pretty normal for trauma to be retriggered over a lifetime, from time to time.    And it is okay to excuse yourself when the accolades don't reflect your knowledge or you just can't do it.    I'm so sorry.

[Rain]

14 hours ago, jkwilliams said:

Tomorrow is the funeral of my former mission companion and roommate. We really connected during the six months we were companions. We were so close that the other missionaries in our house said we were like brothers. And we really were. 

After our missions, we roomed together at BYU. I should have seen the signs, but I didn’t. I was very naive. But one night I woke up in the middle of the night, and he was in my bed sexually assaulting me. I was shocked and hurt, but I just kept it to myself, especially after he said he was meeting with the bishop. 

I suppose I felt I had to be the better person and forgive. I felt sorry for him, and twice I went way out of my way to help him get a new job. It wasn’t until 20 years later that I confronted him and told him how much he had hurt me and how he had affected my ability to trust anyone. 

He’s had a hard life, and he dealt with the disconnects in his life by drinking a lot, and that eventually killed him. I long ago forgave him, but this last week all the hurt and anger are back, especially since all my mission friends are saying he was a great man, an “angel,” and a “spiritual giant.” I just have kept my feelings to myself. 

But I keep wondering how to deal with these bad and stressful feelings. Thinking about finding a therapist here in Ohio. I don’t know that I’m asking for advice, just trying to figure out what to do. 

That's really rough on you.  You felt he was a safe place only to discover he was more of a danger than other places.  And now to deal with it later when you felt more safe again just throws you back into it all again.  I hope you find healing. 

[BlueDreams]

17 hours ago, jkwilliams said:

Tomorrow is the funeral of my former mission companion and roommate. We really connected during the six months we were companions. We were so close that the other missionaries in our house said we were like brothers. And we really were. 

After our missions, we roomed together at BYU. I should have seen the signs, but I didn’t. I was very naive. But one night I woke up in the middle of the night, and he was in my bed sexually assaulting me. I was shocked and hurt, but I just kept it to myself, especially after he said he was meeting with the bishop. 

I suppose I felt I had to be the better person and forgive. I felt sorry for him, and twice I went way out of my way to help him get a new job. It wasn’t until 20 years later that I confronted him and told him how much he had hurt me and how he had affected my ability to trust anyone. 

He’s had a hard life, and he dealt with the disconnects in his life by drinking a lot, and that eventually killed him. I long ago forgave him, but this last week all the hurt and anger are back, especially since all my mission friends are saying he was a great man, an “angel,” and a “spiritual giant.” I just have kept my feelings to myself. 

But I keep wondering how to deal with these bad and stressful feelings. Thinking about finding a therapist here in Ohio. I don’t know that I’m asking for advice, just trying to figure out what to do. 

I'm so sorry. I think therapy would be great. It can be so helpful, especially when you can find the right fit for you. 

IMHO, I think sharing your truth with others is needed. He may have been a great missionary. But he was also a man who ended up seriously harming others. I get that he was in pain and struggling, but I strongly don't believe anyone's pain justifies harming others.

Obviously you don't need to broadcast it to the world. But you can share it with people who directly engage with you and care about you. 

 

Also it's quite common for pain to resurface with events like this. I had a grandfather who died on my mission. Years early it had come out that he'd molested several family members including a young cousin. I wrote him off as dead and generally didn't think about him except when I had to. So I assumed it would be nothing but a relief once he died because it would mean he'd never come up again in my life. It wasn't and I had to rework what that meant for me. It turned into a really healing and profound experience, so I'm glad I didn't try to ignore my hurt. 

 

I wish you the best with exploring your own pain

With luv,

BD 

[MustardSeed]

That should have never happened to you, I’m sorry. People are complicated.  

[MorningStar]

That's so horrible. I'm sorry.  I hope you don't feel obligated to attend his funeral either in person or virtually. 

[jkwilliams]

Thanks for the kindness and support. I just needed to vent a little. I went back and forth and finally decided to watch the funeral stream. I’m glad I did because they acknowledged he was a troubled soul, but it reminded me that there was a lot of good in him. It’s ok to have mixed emotions. It was also good to see my mission president, who spoke. 

My nephew Josh is headed to Israel this morning. Please keep him in your prayers.

[CV75]

On 10/13/2023 at 7:36 PM, jkwilliams said:

Tomorrow is the funeral of my former mission companion and roommate. We really connected during the six months we were companions. We were so close that the other missionaries in our house said we were like brothers. And we really were. 

After our missions, we roomed together at BYU. I should have seen the signs, but I didn’t. I was very naive. But one night I woke up in the middle of the night, and he was in my bed sexually assaulting me. I was shocked and hurt, but I just kept it to myself, especially after he said he was meeting with the bishop. 

I suppose I felt I had to be the better person and forgive. I felt sorry for him, and twice I went way out of my way to help him get a new job. It wasn’t until 20 years later that I confronted him and told him how much he had hurt me and how he had affected my ability to trust anyone. 

He’s had a hard life, and he dealt with the disconnects in his life by drinking a lot, and that eventually killed him. I long ago forgave him, but this last week all the hurt and anger are back, especially since all my mission friends are saying he was a great man, an “angel,” and a “spiritual giant.” I just have kept my feelings to myself. 

But I keep wondering how to deal with these bad and stressful feelings. Thinking about finding a therapist here in Ohio. I don’t know that I’m asking for advice, just trying to figure out what to do. 

I think therapy is very beneficial. This will help let go of anger and guilt so as not to impede life choices and relationships. Spiritual, Chris-centered forgiveness is a bit more since it requires pardoning, commuting vengeance, and obtaining healing through Christ. Spiritual giants are still human and do have cracks in their amour that are not always checked. Resonating personalities is not the same as resonating moralities or spiritualities. I wish you well in your healing.