maj Posted January 6, 2023 Share Posted January 6, 2023 Hello, Yesterday, my 16 year old son spoke with me to tell me that he didn't want to attend Church anymore. I assured him that I loved him and that I always would. I didn't ask him lots of questions because I didn't want him to feel under pressure or cornered. I asked him to keep communicating with me and that we would keep communicating openly. Privately, I have grieved as this decision makes me sad. My request is for any suggestions or help on how I can maintain and strengthen our relationship without what was a large part of it? Thanks in advance. 1 Link to comment
CV75 Posted January 6, 2023 Share Posted January 6, 2023 (edited) 29 minutes ago, maj said: Hello, Yesterday, my 16 year old son spoke with me to tell me that he didn't want to attend Church anymore. I assured him that I loved him and that I always would. I didn't ask him lots of questions because I didn't want him to feel under pressure or cornered. I asked him to keep communicating with me and that we would keep communicating openly. Privately, I have grieved as this decision makes me sad. My request is for any suggestions or help on how I can maintain and strengthen our relationship without what was a large part of it? Thanks in advance. Here's a good resource (for starters): When Loved Ones Leave the Church (churchofjesuschrist.org) My advice is to stay grounded in your faith and remember that the Lord will reach out to him constantly (just as He reaches out to you constantly, no more and no less); you can join the Lord in His reaching out as inspired/able; and it is up to him to use his agency in relation to that reaching out. Be there for him in times of other trouble; give him some space to learn the hard way (apart from physical or material endangerment of himself or others). Reaching out needn't be overt, but always should be "in normal and natural ways." Edited January 6, 2023 by CV75 2 Link to comment
Popular Post Snodgrassian Posted January 6, 2023 Popular Post Share Posted January 6, 2023 Treat him the same as you did before his crisis, and be proud that he shared his feelings with you. The person he is today, is the same person he was yesterday, and the day before, etc.. Don't push Church on him. Live the principles of the gospel in a way that showcases the benefits YOU receive from the gospel, but with a focus on it as it is part of you, not because the Church tells you to. Focus on him, see how he wants to spend his time away from Church and find new activities that you can do together to start building a new relationship that can fill in the Church part of your current relationship. 11 Link to comment
Popular Post pogi Posted January 6, 2023 Popular Post Share Posted January 6, 2023 (edited) 1 hour ago, maj said: Hello, Yesterday, my 16 year old son spoke with me to tell me that he didn't want to attend Church anymore. I assured him that I loved him and that I always would. I didn't ask him lots of questions because I didn't want him to feel under pressure or cornered. I asked him to keep communicating with me and that we would keep communicating openly. Privately, I have grieved as this decision makes me sad. My request is for any suggestions or help on how I can maintain and strengthen our relationship without what was a large part of it? Thanks in advance. I want to commend you for your response in respecting his agency and not shaming him, and assuring him of your love for him regardless. Keep following those principles and that same spirit and your relationship will continue to be strong. Edited January 6, 2023 by pogi 12 Link to comment
Popular Post Rain Posted January 6, 2023 Popular Post Share Posted January 6, 2023 Part of it should be in building your relationship in other ways. Take more interest in his interests. Make sure to play ball or chess or video games or whatever with him. Add things, if he is interested, that will naturally have the Spirit like hiking to beautiful spots or doing service. I highly suggest reading and practicing Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People just for the relationship skills it builds. Pay particular attention to where it talks about seeing others strengths and learning how to really listen to others. And the biggest advice I have is to love him. Elder Scott tells how when others feel our love they can better feel God’s love. Sometimes as parents, including me, I think we tie loving our children too much to their choices and behaviors. That we can't be happy and share our love with them when they are making choices we don't like. It's not a conscious thing, but too many of us do it not realizing we are. But we don't have to tie our love to their choices. 6 Link to comment
Popular Post MustardSeed Posted January 6, 2023 Popular Post Share Posted January 6, 2023 (edited) I’m here to give you practical suggestions. First of all congratulations on being a safe resource. Instinctively You knew to grieve privately. Now, maintaining a relationship. I love Walk N Talks, especially with youth. Arm in arm, walking and talking provides fresh air, reduces awkward face to face tension, and creates a timed focus. When I walk and talk, I make it clear that there will be no judgment and that it’s safe to open up. I tell young people they can ask me anything and then I will answer honestly. Sometimes to get the ball rolling I will ask three questions and invite them to ask me three questions, back and forth. I go deep. I set the stage for intimate conversation. Sometimes even the kids who rolled her eyes when we return and are asked “did you have a good time“ will still seek me out when I come to visit and ask quietly if we’re going to do the walk and talk again. I’m not sure if I’m conveying this well however I will say that making myself available has not been easy over the years because I am a very quiet person and I’m really uncomfortable with heavy emotion. Sometimes these conversations create big feelings inside of me. But I will tell you, my willingness to initiate these types of activities has saved my relationship with my children who are not members. I can say wholeheartedly that because I feel so good about my relationship with them all individually, the Sting is gone from them having made decisions that I would’ve thought 20 years ago would have been my undoing. Instead, I fully trust them and love them without reserve and they know it and feel it. Edited January 6, 2023 by MustardSeed 9 Link to comment
Rain Posted January 6, 2023 Share Posted January 6, 2023 35 minutes ago, MustardSeed said: I’m here to give you practical suggestions. First of all congratulations on being a safe resource. Instinctively You knew to grieve privately. Now, maintaining a relationship. I love Walk N Talks, especially with youth. Arm in arm, walking and talking provides fresh air, reduces awkward face to face tension, and creates a timed focus. When I walk and talk, I make it clear that there will be no judgment and that it’s safe to open up. I tell young people they can ask me anything and then I will answer honestly. Sometimes to get the ball rolling I will ask three questions and invite them to ask me three questions, back and forth. I go deep. I set the stage for intimate conversation. Sometimes even the kids who rolled her eyes when we return and are asked “did you have a good time“ will still seek me out when I come to visit and ask quietly if we’re going to do the walk and talk again. I’m not sure if I’m conveying this well however I will say that making myself available has not been easy over the years because I am a very quiet person and I’m really uncomfortable with heavy emotion. Sometimes these conversations create big feelings inside of me. But I will tell you, my willingness to initiate these types of activities has saved my relationship with my children who are not members. I can say wholeheartedly that because I feel so good about my relationship with them all individually, the Sting is gone from them having made decisions that I would’ve thought 20 years ago would have been my undoing. Instead, I fully trust them and love them without reserve and they know it and feel it. What questions do you ask? 2 Link to comment
Popular Post MustardSeed Posted January 6, 2023 Popular Post Share Posted January 6, 2023 Some of the questions I might ask a young person would be things like “what is something that you’re truly afraid of, spiders don’t count” And I’ve got some really good deep answers from that question. I might ask” What is one thing about you that makes you feel like you don’t fit in” because every teenager can identify with that experience. “Tell me a memory with your family that makes you feel really safe and loved”. “ What are some thing you worry about that you don’t think other people worry about”. “ Do you have a crush on someone?” I can go all day if you like 6 Link to comment
Tacenda Posted January 6, 2023 Share Posted January 6, 2023 2 hours ago, maj said: Hello, Yesterday, my 16 year old son spoke with me to tell me that he didn't want to attend Church anymore. I assured him that I loved him and that I always would. I didn't ask him lots of questions because I didn't want him to feel under pressure or cornered. I asked him to keep communicating with me and that we would keep communicating openly. Privately, I have grieved as this decision makes me sad. My request is for any suggestions or help on how I can maintain and strengthen our relationship without what was a large part of it? Thanks in advance. My advice from looking at many posts on a faith journey FB group, many that leave or start to disbelieve are getting sideswiped by parents that totally take themselves out of their children's lives as if they are horrible people, and others have parents that won't leave them alone and send talks or articles to talk them back to church. Neither are helping and both or other treatment other than accepting and loving them have been horrible. The child feels like their parent's love was conditional. So I hope you are able to see the big picture and love your child and know that they are a good human and make that number one. There are plenty of PIMO people out there that means, physically in mentally out, because these individuals don't want to lose their families over their disbelief. It's a sad situation all around. I've lost the closeness of my sister over my faith struggle. Best of luck, I'm sure it will be a test to the relationship, but it sounds like you are very loving and are trying your best to hold onto your relationship with your son. And he's so young, so there's always hope! Link to comment
Popular Post Thinking Posted January 6, 2023 Popular Post Share Posted January 6, 2023 (edited) The interesting thing about the Church is sometimes it becomes necessary to publicize a faith struggle because of ordinances. When my younger brother announced his engagement and plans to marry his fiance in the temple, it was necessary for me to tell my family that I would not be attending the sealing. I communicated early so that my absence would not be the focus on the day of the wedding. Anyway, after my "announcement" my parents and a couple of siblings started sending me literature in hopes that I would change my mind. I decided to be very limited with my responses so that things would be civil. Civility won out and all my relationships with my family members are strong. Edited January 7, 2023 by Thinking 11 Link to comment
Rain Posted January 6, 2023 Share Posted January 6, 2023 32 minutes ago, MustardSeed said: Some of the questions I might ask a young person would be things like “what is something that you’re truly afraid of, spiders don’t count” And I’ve got some really good deep answers from that question. I might ask” What is one thing about you that makes you feel like you don’t fit in” because every teenager can identify with that experience. “Tell me a memory with your family that makes you feel really safe and loved”. “ What are some thing you worry about that you don’t think other people worry about”. “ Do you have a crush on someone?” I can go all day if you like Thank you! And yes, I would love for you to go all day with examples! 1 Link to comment
maj Posted January 6, 2023 Author Share Posted January 6, 2023 1 hour ago, MustardSeed said: I’m here to give you practical suggestions. First of all congratulations on being a safe resource. Instinctively You knew to grieve privately. Now, maintaining a relationship. I love Walk N Talks, especially with youth. Arm in arm, walking and talking provides fresh air, reduces awkward face to face tension, and creates a timed focus. When I walk and talk, I make it clear that there will be no judgment and that it’s safe to open up. I tell young people they can ask me anything and then I will answer honestly. Sometimes to get the ball rolling I will ask three questions and invite them to ask me three questions, back and forth. I go deep. I set the stage for intimate conversation. Sometimes even the kids who rolled her eyes when we return and are asked “did you have a good time“ will still seek me out when I come to visit and ask quietly if we’re going to do the walk and talk again. I’m not sure if I’m conveying this well however I will say that making myself available has not been easy over the years because I am a very quiet person and I’m really uncomfortable with heavy emotion. Sometimes these conversations create big feelings inside of me. But I will tell you, my willingness to initiate these types of activities has saved my relationship with my children who are not members. I can say wholeheartedly that because I feel so good about my relationship with them all individually, the Sting is gone from them having made decisions that I would’ve thought 20 years ago would have been my undoing. Instead, I fully trust them and love them without reserve and they know it and feel it. There are some wonderful ideas here. Thank you for this. 1 Link to comment
Rain Posted January 6, 2023 Share Posted January 6, 2023 30 minutes ago, Tacenda said: My advice from looking at many posts on a faith journey FB group, many that leave or start to disbelieve are getting sideswiped by parents that totally take themselves out of their children's lives as if they are horrible people, and others have parents that won't leave them alone and send talks or articles to talk them back to church. Neither are helping and both or other treatment other than accepting and loving them have been horrible. The child feels like their parent's love was conditional. So I hope you are able to see the big picture and love your child and know that they are a good human and make that number one. There are plenty of PIMO people out there that means, physically in mentally out, because these individuals don't want to lose their families over their disbelief. It's a sad situation all around. I've lost the closeness of my sister over my faith struggle. Best of luck, I'm sure it will be a test to the relationship, but it sounds like you are very loving and are trying your best to hold onto your relationship with your son. And he's so young, so there's always hope! I think it is also important to remember that this is from the person who left view and to not take it personally. The parent may feel like it is the child who took themselves out of the parent's lives or that they hardly ever say anything about church. In reality for most families it is probably something in between. Taking it personally as a parent just makes it hard to concentrate on the love and building the relationship in other ways. I just go back to the idea that before I loved my children God loved them first and trust that when I cannot do things that God will not make them go alone. 2 Link to comment
maj Posted January 6, 2023 Author Share Posted January 6, 2023 Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond. I've been fasting and praying for understanding and for help, and all of you have been brilliant. This is why I love this board! 4 Link to comment
MustardSeed Posted January 6, 2023 Share Posted January 6, 2023 Please believe that you can have and have the right to be closer to your son than you even imagine. That relationship is yours to have ❤️ 2 Link to comment
why me Posted January 6, 2023 Share Posted January 6, 2023 (edited) I wouldn't take it all too seriously. I believe that many teenagers make such decisions of independence, especially when it comes to going to church. It happens in all faiths. I would just continue as things were between you both. And just respect the decision your teenager has made. Hopefully you both share your love for rugby and continue to go to rugby matches together. And celebrate together when Wales beats New Zealand and especially England. 🙂 Edited January 6, 2023 by why me 2 Link to comment
Popular Post Maestrophil Posted January 6, 2023 Popular Post Share Posted January 6, 2023 (edited) My condolances for the struggle you are facing. I know that is is hard to see your children use thier agency in ways you fear might hurt them someday. When my children stopped being active (they all are inactive to varying degrees), each case made me feel a little sad - and dissapointed in myself as a parent. The following realizations helped me - don't know if they will be helpful for you, but here goes 🙂 - If our goal is to become like our Heavenly Father, and He is the perfect parent. Then what should I do to be like him? He gives us our agency, lets us fall, and then loves us unconditionally and promises to be there whenever we turn to him. Period. I try to do that too now. - His children choosing poorly does not diminish the intergrity or goodness of God, so why should I feel diminished by the choices my children make after having done my best to impart wisdom to them in thier youth? - The arc of eternity bends towards salvation for most, and I have come to trust that my children are really HIS children, and He will work his plan for them in His time. Hope some of that can help. Blessings to you and your family! Edited January 6, 2023 by Maestrophil Poor spelling - again! 8 Link to comment
YJacket Posted January 6, 2023 Share Posted January 6, 2023 My 16 year old son wants to have sex in my house with his girlfriend. What should I do? Link to comment
SeekingUnderstanding Posted January 6, 2023 Share Posted January 6, 2023 7 minutes ago, YJacket said: My 16 year old son wants to have sex in my house with his girlfriend. What should I do? Regardless of whatever else you do, make sure he has safe access to protective birth control. Link to comment
Tacenda Posted January 6, 2023 Share Posted January 6, 2023 (edited) 13 minutes ago, YJacket said: My 16 year old son wants to have sex in my house with his girlfriend. What should I do? That's where I would draw the line. Kids are dumb, maybe he'd like the boundary too. They want a lot of things, but need guidance and protection as SeekingUnderstanding mentioned. But I know how hard that would be to tell them, almost like giving permission but what to do, what to do. Edited January 6, 2023 by Tacenda Link to comment
Maestrophil Posted January 6, 2023 Share Posted January 6, 2023 14 minutes ago, YJacket said: My 16 year old son wants to have sex in my house with his girlfriend. What should I do? I agree with both Tacenda and Seeking - You have the right to say 'not in my house' and you should IMO, but I would make sure and tell him that you know that likley won't stop him, and that you want him to protect his and his girlfriend's future for sure. Link to comment
YJacket Posted January 6, 2023 Share Posted January 6, 2023 13 minutes ago, Maestrophil said: I agree with both Tacenda and Seeking - You have the right to say 'not in my house' and you should IMO, but I would make sure and tell him that you know that likley won't stop him, and that you want him to protect his and his girlfriend's future for sure. Why should I presuppose that it won't likely stop him? If he is dumb enough to have pre-marital sex, then he can take the consequences of it. I do not understand telling him "not in my house" . . ."but if you are going to do it . . .just use protection". Why not just say "not in my house, but if you are dumb enough to do so . . .good luck! I'm not going to help you in your destruction". 1 Link to comment
YJacket Posted January 6, 2023 Share Posted January 6, 2023 If my son wanted to do shoot up heroine? "No . . .but if you do just make sure you use clean needles!" That doesn't seem like a very wise council. The problem is shooting up . . .not using clean needles. Telling him to use clean needles is swatting at a fly when the elephant is charging at you. 1 Link to comment
YJacket Posted January 6, 2023 Share Posted January 6, 2023 1 minute ago, Balaam said: I think a parent's job is to teach their children what they should do as well as what they should not do, expounding one the whys and the therefores as their needs may arise. Or in other words, I think children need good parents to teach them what they should do as well as what they should not do, explaining why and the causes/effects that stem from the decisions they make. I realize other people can also give good counsel and instructions, but parents should be some of the best teachers their children will ever have, just as our Father in heaven should always be the best of teachers we will ever have. Sure . . .but how many times has your kid wanted to do something you tell them no, they say why, and when you explain the reasons they say "well mom, dad now that you've put it that way, you are totally right!" I agree that parents should expound . . .I just don't expect my kids to say "gee mom/dad, I totally understand now that you've told me why you said I can not do this dumb thing!" Maybe days, weeks, months, or years later they might say that-but in the moment, never happened. Link to comment
MustardSeed Posted January 6, 2023 Share Posted January 6, 2023 3 minutes ago, YJacket said: If my son wanted to do shoot up heroine? "No . . .but if you do just make sure you use clean needles!" That doesn't seem like a very wise council. The problem is shooting up . . .not using clean needles. Telling him to use clean needles is swatting at a fly when the elephant is charging at you. Good luck to you sir. Either you’re actually going through this or you’re not. The question the OP had is how can he maintain a relationship with a child. Your objective is different. That’s OK too. 3 Link to comment
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