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My son has decided he does not want to attend Church anymore - how do I build our relationship without this?


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Hello,

Yesterday, my 16 year old son spoke with me to tell me that he didn't want to attend Church anymore.

I assured him that I loved him and that I always would. I didn't ask him lots of questions because I didn't want him to feel under pressure or cornered. I asked him to keep communicating with me and that we would keep communicating openly.

Privately, I have grieved as this decision makes me sad.

 

My request is for any suggestions or help on how I can maintain and strengthen our relationship without what was a large part of it?

Thanks in advance.

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29 minutes ago, maj said:

Hello,

Yesterday, my 16 year old son spoke with me to tell me that he didn't want to attend Church anymore.

I assured him that I loved him and that I always would. I didn't ask him lots of questions because I didn't want him to feel under pressure or cornered. I asked him to keep communicating with me and that we would keep communicating openly.

Privately, I have grieved as this decision makes me sad.

 

My request is for any suggestions or help on how I can maintain and strengthen our relationship without what was a large part of it?

Thanks in advance.

Here's a good resource (for starters): When Loved Ones Leave the Church (churchofjesuschrist.org)

My advice is to stay grounded in your faith and remember that the Lord will reach out to him constantly (just as He reaches out to you constantly, no more and no less); you can join the Lord in His reaching out as inspired/able; and it is up to him to use his agency in relation to that reaching out. Be there for him in times of other trouble; give him some space to learn the hard way (apart from physical or material endangerment of himself or others). Reaching out needn't be overt, but always should be "in normal and natural ways."

Edited by CV75
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35 minutes ago, MustardSeed said:

I’m here to give you practical suggestions. First of all congratulations on being a safe resource. Instinctively You knew to grieve privately.  Now, maintaining a relationship.  I love Walk N Talks, especially with youth.  Arm in arm, walking and talking provides fresh air, reduces awkward face to face tension, and creates a timed focus.  
When I walk and talk, I make it clear that there will be no judgment and that it’s safe to open up. I tell young people they can ask me anything  and then I will answer honestly. Sometimes to get the ball rolling I will ask three questions and invite them to ask me three questions, back and forth.  I go deep.  I set the stage for intimate conversation.  Sometimes even the kids who rolled her eyes when we return and are asked “did you have a good time“ will still seek me out when I come to visit and ask quietly if we’re going to do the walk and talk again. I’m not sure if I’m conveying this well however I will say that making myself available has not been easy over the years because I am a very quiet person and I’m really uncomfortable with heavy emotion. Sometimes these conversations create big feelings inside of me. But I will tell you, my willingness to initiate these types of activities has saved my relationship with my children who are not members.  I can say wholeheartedly that because I feel so good about my relationship with them all individually, the Sting is gone from them having made decisions that I would’ve thought 20 years ago would have been my undoing. Instead, I fully trust them and love them without reserve and they know it and feel it.

What questions do you ask?

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2 hours ago, maj said:

Hello,

Yesterday, my 16 year old son spoke with me to tell me that he didn't want to attend Church anymore.

I assured him that I loved him and that I always would. I didn't ask him lots of questions because I didn't want him to feel under pressure or cornered. I asked him to keep communicating with me and that we would keep communicating openly.

Privately, I have grieved as this decision makes me sad.

 

My request is for any suggestions or help on how I can maintain and strengthen our relationship without what was a large part of it?

Thanks in advance.

My advice from looking at many posts on a faith journey FB group, many that leave or start to disbelieve are getting sideswiped by parents that totally take themselves out of their children's lives as if they are horrible people, and others have parents that won't leave them alone and send talks or articles to talk them back to church. Neither are helping and both or other treatment other than accepting and loving them have been horrible. The child feels like their parent's love was conditional. 

So I hope you are able to see the big picture and love your child and know that they are a good human and make that number one. There are plenty of PIMO people out there that means, physically in mentally out, because these individuals don't want to lose their families over their disbelief. It's a sad situation all around. I've lost the closeness of my sister over my faith struggle. 

Best of luck, I'm sure it will be a test to the relationship, but it sounds like you are very loving and are trying your best to hold onto your relationship with your son. And he's so young, so there's always hope!

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32 minutes ago, MustardSeed said:

Some of the questions I might ask a young person would be things like “what is something that you’re truly afraid of, spiders don’t count” And I’ve got some really good deep answers from that question. I might ask” What is one thing about you that makes you feel like you don’t fit in” because every teenager can identify with that experience. “Tell me a memory with your family that makes you feel really safe and loved”.  “ What are some thing you worry about that you don’t think other people worry about”. “ Do you have a crush on someone?”  I can go all day if you like :)

Thank you! And yes, I would love for you to go all day with examples!

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1 hour ago, MustardSeed said:

I’m here to give you practical suggestions. First of all congratulations on being a safe resource. Instinctively You knew to grieve privately.  Now, maintaining a relationship.  I love Walk N Talks, especially with youth.  Arm in arm, walking and talking provides fresh air, reduces awkward face to face tension, and creates a timed focus.  
When I walk and talk, I make it clear that there will be no judgment and that it’s safe to open up. I tell young people they can ask me anything  and then I will answer honestly. Sometimes to get the ball rolling I will ask three questions and invite them to ask me three questions, back and forth.  I go deep.  I set the stage for intimate conversation.  Sometimes even the kids who rolled her eyes when we return and are asked “did you have a good time“ will still seek me out when I come to visit and ask quietly if we’re going to do the walk and talk again. I’m not sure if I’m conveying this well however I will say that making myself available has not been easy over the years because I am a very quiet person and I’m really uncomfortable with heavy emotion. Sometimes these conversations create big feelings inside of me. But I will tell you, my willingness to initiate these types of activities has saved my relationship with my children who are not members.  I can say wholeheartedly that because I feel so good about my relationship with them all individually, the Sting is gone from them having made decisions that I would’ve thought 20 years ago would have been my undoing. Instead, I fully trust them and love them without reserve and they know it and feel it.

There are some wonderful ideas here.

 

Thank you for this.

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30 minutes ago, Tacenda said:

My advice from looking at many posts on a faith journey FB group, many that leave or start to disbelieve are getting sideswiped by parents that totally take themselves out of their children's lives as if they are horrible people, and others have parents that won't leave them alone and send talks or articles to talk them back to church. Neither are helping and both or other treatment other than accepting and loving them have been horrible. The child feels like their parent's love was conditional. 

So I hope you are able to see the big picture and love your child and know that they are a good human and make that number one. There are plenty of PIMO people out there that means, physically in mentally out, because these individuals don't want to lose their families over their disbelief. It's a sad situation all around. I've lost the closeness of my sister over my faith struggle. 

Best of luck, I'm sure it will be a test to the relationship, but it sounds like you are very loving and are trying your best to hold onto your relationship with your son. And he's so young, so there's always hope!

I think it is also important to remember that this is from the person who left view and to not take it personally.  The parent may feel like it is the child who took themselves out of the parent's lives or that they hardly ever say anything about church.  In reality for most families it is probably something in between.  Taking it personally as a parent just makes it hard to concentrate on the love and building the relationship in other ways.  I just go back to the idea that before I loved my children God loved them first and trust that when I cannot do things that God will not make them go alone.

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I wouldn't take it all too seriously. I believe that many teenagers make such decisions of independence, especially when it comes to going to church. It happens in all faiths. I would just continue as things were between you both. And just respect the decision your teenager has made. Hopefully you both share your love for rugby and continue to go to rugby matches together. And celebrate together when Wales beats New Zealand and especially England. 🙂

Edited by why me
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13 minutes ago, YJacket said:

My 16 year old son wants to have sex in my house with his girlfriend.  What should I do?

That's where I would draw the line. Kids are dumb, maybe he'd like the boundary too. They want a lot of things, but need guidance and protection as SeekingUnderstanding mentioned. But I know how hard that would be to tell them, almost like giving permission but what to do, what to do.

Edited by Tacenda
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14 minutes ago, YJacket said:

My 16 year old son wants to have sex in my house with his girlfriend.  What should I do?

I agree with both Tacenda and Seeking - You have the right to say 'not in my house' and you should IMO, but I would make sure and tell him that you know that likley won't stop him, and that you want him to protect his and his girlfriend's future for sure.

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13 minutes ago, Maestrophil said:

I agree with both Tacenda and Seeking - You have the right to say 'not in my house' and you should IMO, but I would make sure and tell him that you know that likley won't stop him, and that you want him to protect his and his girlfriend's future for sure.

Why should I presuppose that it won't likely stop him?  If he is dumb enough to have pre-marital sex, then he can take the consequences of it.

I do not understand telling him "not in my house" . . ."but if you are going to do it . . .just use protection".  Why not just say "not in my house, but if you are dumb enough to do so . . .good luck! I'm not going to help you in your destruction".

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If my son wanted to do shoot up heroine? "No . . .but if you do just make sure you use clean needles!"  That doesn't seem like a very wise council.  The problem is shooting up . . .not using clean needles.  Telling him to use clean needles is swatting at a fly when the elephant is charging at you.

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1 minute ago, Balaam said:

I think a parent's job is to teach their children what they should do as well as what they should not do, expounding one the whys and the therefores as their needs may arise.

Or in other words, I think children need good parents to teach them what they should do as well as what they should not do, explaining why and the causes/effects that stem from the decisions they make.

I realize other people can also give good counsel and instructions, but parents should be some of the best teachers their children will ever have, just as our Father in heaven should always be the best of teachers we will ever have.

Sure . . .but how many times has your kid wanted to do something you tell them no, they say why, and when you explain the reasons they say "well mom, dad now that you've put it that way, you are totally right!"

I agree that parents should expound . . .I just don't expect my kids to say "gee mom/dad, I totally understand now that you've told me why you said I can not do this dumb thing!"  Maybe days, weeks, months, or years later they might say that-but in the moment, never happened.

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3 minutes ago, YJacket said:

If my son wanted to do shoot up heroine? "No . . .but if you do just make sure you use clean needles!"  That doesn't seem like a very wise council.  The problem is shooting up . . .not using clean needles.  Telling him to use clean needles is swatting at a fly when the elephant is charging at you.

Good luck to you sir. Either you’re actually going through this or you’re not. The question the OP had is how can he maintain a relationship with a child. Your objective is different. That’s OK too.

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