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Visited my fathers grave.


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I visited my fathers grave last week, alone.  I hadn't been there for about three years, we had issues the last years of his life.  Anyway, it was the final letting go part, was bitter sweet.  I had time to reflect, esp. with all the nice graves in the mausoleum, good chunk of the people there besides him had family that thought enough of their loved ones to give them a good Christian burial.  I reflected on the friends I had when I was younger, bad as my father was he was small potatoes compared to most of them.  He never screwed family, food was on the table and he had some principles.   He did have some beliefs and had a proper Christian burial.  Most of the people I knew growing up and as a young adult?  Their parents were varying degrees of slimeball.  Scammers, violent, addicted to various substances and all around rotten.  They thought nothing of screwing people over.  Also, when I look at the state of affairs in this country, I really can't compare what my father did compare to the wickedness of people today.   More than anything, something he told me more than once while he was alive I can finally understand.  For most of this country's history people in general have been rotten.  The USA was the place Europe sent their worst, they emptied their jails/assylums and sent them here on a one way boat ticket.  When you look at the disfunction of people, if you have an eye for it you can see it's been this way for a while.  Thing is with technology nothing stays hidden like it used to.  I think it's going to be very interesting when the last of the boomers pass and we see the full effects of the direction people in this country have decided to go morally.

I'm not angry at my father anymore, while I never did excuse his abuse at the same time he had issues and well, was screwed over by family that was far, far worse than he was (That's saying a lot).  That and learning to see things for what they are really helps, especially when you really get an idea of how things are and have been for some time.  I think getting into nursing and having cop friends helps, you get to see that side of the USA that's hidden and people refuse to discuss like they should.  It was bitter sweet, I may still opt for therapy in the near future.   After all the things that happened I can say I'll never trust people readily again.  Not like I ever really did but now I'm even more paranoid.   Considering the state of affairs, I do think that's a good way to be anymore.  Still, the anger that's been lingering is finally going away.  It's a bitter sweet feeling of regret, sadness and melancholy over what could have been.  Can say now if I saw him in the after life I wouldn't hate him.  After some of the things i've had to go through with bad people as well as knowing just how bad COPD is, I can empathize a bit. 

Here's to hoping we can all say hello in what ever happens in death and we can shake our heads over the meanness that existed in the used to be.

 

Edited by poptart
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2 hours ago, poptart said:

................. Most of the people I knew growing up and as a young adult?  Their parents were varying degrees of slimeball.  Scammers, violent, addicted to various substances and all around rotten.  They thought nothing of screwing people over.  Also, when I look at the state of affairs in this country, I really can't compare what my father did compare to the wickedness of people today.   More than anything, something he told me more than once while he was alive I can finally understand.  For most of this country's history people in general have been rotten.  The USA was the place Europe sent their worst, they emptied their jails/assylums and sent them here on a one way boat ticket.  .................... you can see it's been this way for a while.  ..................

...... the meanness that existed in the used to be.

There are certainly plenty of bad people out there, but your description seems to me an unjustified generalization from your personal experience.  It is true that Australia was primarily a penal colony, but those who came to Colonial America were far more normal and civilized.  My experience with most Americans is positive:  They have been kind and gracious.  I have found the same among peoples I have visited in various parts of the world.

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8 hours ago, Robert F. Smith said:

There are certainly plenty of bad people out there, but your description seems to me an unjustified generalization from your personal experience.  It is true that Australia was primarily a penal colony, but those who came to Colonial America were far more normal and civilized.  My experience with most Americans is positive:  They have been kind and gracious.  I have found the same among peoples I have visited in various parts of the world.

The colonial period?  Yes.  After that?  Not so much.  The USA let in some pretty bad people, esp during the civil War when the Union needed bodies to fight the South.  Americans are woefully ignorant of how bad crime was a long time ago, I have friends who had privileged upper class lives who have no idea how WWII set the USA up to be the super power they are now (that's changing).  Sounds like you're fairly privileged, I wasn't. Thats pretty much how it is here and also why we're so divided now.

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23 hours ago, poptart said:

The colonial period?  Yes.  After that?  Not so much.  The USA let in some pretty bad people, esp during the civil War when the Union needed bodies to fight the South.  Americans are woefully ignorant of how bad crime was a long time ago, I have friends who had privileged upper class lives who have no idea how WWII set the USA up to be the super power they are now (that's changing).  Sounds like you're fairly privileged, I wasn't. Thats pretty much how it is here and also why we're so divided now.

I suppose that I was privileged to have two honest parents, but all my aunts and uncles on both sides were the same, and all came from farming backgrounds.  None were wealthy, and all had to scramble to survive the Great Depression.  I never had any money, and had to earn every penny I used to pay my way through college.  No scholarships and no free rides.

Real America is well portrayed in John Steinbeck's The Grapes of Wrath, but it is also portrayed in the life of General Colin Powell, whose parents came from Jamaica, and who raised him to believe that he could achieve anything if he worked hard at it.  No special privileges.

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5 hours ago, Robert F. Smith said:

I suppose that I was privileged to have two honest parents, but all my aunts and uncles on both sides were the same, and all came from farming backgrounds.  None were wealthy, and all had to scramble to survive the Great Depression.  I never had any money, and had to earn every penny I used to pay my way through college.  No scholarships and no free rides.

Real America is well portrayed in John Steinbeck's The Grapes of Wrath, but it is also portrayed in the life of General Colin Powell, whose parents came from Jamaica, and who raised him to believe that he could achieve anything if he worked hard at it.  No special privileges.

Great movie, "Grapes of Wrath". 

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On 4/2/2021 at 3:42 AM, Robert F. Smith said:

I suppose that I was privileged to have two honest parents, but all my aunts and uncles on both sides were the same, and all came from farming backgrounds.  None were wealthy, and all had to scramble to survive the Great Depression.  I never had any money, and had to earn every penny I used to pay my way through college.  No scholarships and no free rides.

Real America is well portrayed in John Steinbeck's The Grapes of Wrath, but it is also portrayed in the life of General Colin Powell, whose parents came from Jamaica, and who raised him to believe that he could achieve anything if he worked hard at it.  No special privileges.

Yep, didn't have that.  Also, was living in an RV for a while growing up and having to put up with my fathers alcoholism, violence and poor mental health.  Also racism, mom was called squa quite a bit behind her back.  They had me waaaay late in life, their parents grew up in the depression.  Have a grand aunt on the caucasian side, 92, she verified all the depression era stories I heard.  I had a few scholarships, was lucky there.  Sadly, the last recession kinda screwed me.  Slowly making up for it now.

One of my favorite Americans, Bill Clinton.  Had a messed up family, was a Rhodes scholar and made a name for himself.  Know he's probably not too popular here but o well, I like him.  What I find ironic, despite how people rally around him former president Obama had a very privileged childhood.  I know the private school he went to, thats where the rich kids go to.  My brothers went to kamehameha schools for a bit, that was rough if you were fair skinned which we all are.  Irony, despite having to put up with things like get haole day they rarely had issues, wasn't until they moved to the mainland after mom married my father they had issues.  Kids here, like the adults have always felt like consequences should never apply to them.  They'd get in fights and yep, once in the principles office it was their fault, not the spoiled rich kid.  Have to admit, that is one aspect about the political/social times we're seeing right now, for once the privileged middle class is getting a taste of fear and uncertainty, esp. those with young children.  About time they got a taste of what the likes of us have had to endure for a while.

On 4/2/2021 at 9:24 AM, Tacenda said:

Great movie, "Grapes of Wrath". 

Supposedly when that was shown in soviet theaters people threw a fit, they expected to see them walking to CA not driving the rust bucket they had.  One story that was handed down, the bad times the German relatives fled from.  Weimar Germany was horrible, besides the inflation they had quite the drug problem.  As bad as the depression was here it was tame compared to what some of them saw.  Something they could have never done over there, pool their money and buy some land smack in the middle of farm country.  They share cropped for a bit, learned trades and went from middle class urbanites to farmers/tradesmen.  Have old photos, rows of toe head blonde children and adults.  Most aren't that fair anymore, I was denied the cool platinum blonde hair sadly.  Anyway, the depression was brought up, i'll toss this out there.  These things facinate me, despite the USA having some bad times for a while now compared to the rest of the world they've been able to avoid a lot of their problems, doubt they'll be able to do it this time.

The Third Reich Was Addicted to Drugs | The New Republic

Weimar Germany, Part 1: Intoxicating Metropolis – Points: short and insightful writing about a long and complex history (pointshistory.com)

Going to be real interesting to see how this country handles the opiate problem in addition to the other things we're all seeing.

Edited by poptart
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On 3/31/2021 at 7:36 PM, poptart said:

I'm not angry at my father anymore, while I never did excuse his abuse at the same time he had issues and well,

I understand a bit about fathers with issues. Some of my earliest memories are seeing my mother in traction at home, recovering from the broken vertebrae my father gifted her - which is one of our less disturbing anecdotes. Each of his marriages came with years of horrifying mistreatment.

 

On 3/31/2021 at 7:36 PM, poptart said:

I visited my fathers grave last week, alone.  I hadn't been there for about three years, we had issues the last years of his life.

I once unintentionally visited my father's grave.

backstory: I live 1k miles from where I grew up, having followed my wife's family here. After brother moved here, he let me know my grandparents were buried an hour away.  Some months after our visit to their grave site, he let slip the following story. After my father's passing, my uncles snuck into that graveyard one night, dug a hole on my grandparents site and dumped my fathers ashes there. Because, apparently, that's how we roll.

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On 3/31/2021 at 9:48 PM, Robert F. Smith said:

those who came to Colonial America were far more normal and civilized. 

 

On 4/1/2021 at 6:03 AM, poptart said:

  The USA let in some pretty bad people, esp during the civil War when the Union needed bodies to fight the South.  Americans are woefully ignorant of how bad crime was a long time ago

These things aren't at all exclusive. In my experience, the best and worst examples of America tend to represent reality. I feel we are best informed when we accept the entirety.

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1 hour ago, Chum said:

I understand a bit about fathers with issues. Some of my earliest memories are seeing my mother in traction at home, recovering from the broken vertebrae my father gifted her - which is one of our less disturbing anecdotes. Each of his marriages came with years of horrifying mistreatment.

 

I once unintentionally visited my father's grave.

backstory: I live 1k miles from where I grew up, having followed my wife's family here. After brother moved here, he let me know my grandparents were buried an hour away.  Some months after our visit to their grave site, he let slip the following story. After my father's passing, my uncles snuck into that graveyard one night, dug a hole on my grandparents site and dumped my fathers ashes there. Because, apparently, that's how we roll.

It's folks like you I was used to knowing growing up, their fathers tended to be that bad.  One guy I knew who was raised by his uncle and grandfather?  When the uncle died no one claimed the body.  For whatever reason, they put the ashes in used medication bottles.  Never forget the day when I saw him with a walmart shopping bag filled with bottles of his uncles remains.  I'm not a child anymore, so many of my friends who have lost their fathers?  They never once appologized for the abuse nor felt any remorse.  I'll give my father this, in the end he appologized.  It doesn't make up for the damage but still, that was far, far more than what i've seen from parents here.

1 hour ago, Chum said:

 

These things aren't at all exclusive. In my experience, the best and worst examples of America tend to represent reality. I feel we are best informed when we accept the entirety.

What I was referring to, the class of immigrant we used to get vs. how that changed as time went on.  The USA was the first country to sterilize people.

I agree, we are best informed when we accept the entirety.  

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On 4/3/2021 at 1:27 PM, Chum said:

These things aren't at all exclusive. In my experience, the best and worst examples of America tend to represent reality. I feel we are best informed when we accept the entirety.

Not sure that everything is a mishmash of good and bad which always comes out in the middle.  History is oscillatory and unpredictable, rather than linear.  We need to tell the truth about real history, rather than lull ourselves with fairy tales.

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On 4/3/2021 at 11:54 AM, poptart said:

....................  My brothers went to kamehameha schools for a bit, that was rough if you were fair skinned which we all are.  Irony, despite having to put up with things like get haole day they rarely had issues, wasn't until they moved to the mainland after mom married my father they had issues.  Kids here, like the adults have always felt like consequences should never apply to them.  They'd get in fights and yep, once in the principles office it was their fault, not the spoiled rich kid.  Have to admit, that is one aspect about the political/social times we're seeing right now, for once the privileged middle class is getting a taste of fear and uncertainty, esp. those with young children.  About time they got a taste of what the likes of us have had to endure for a while.

I can tell that you enjoyed "Lilo & Stitch"

On 4/3/2021 at 11:54 AM, poptart said:

.........................

The Third Reich Was Addicted to Drugs | The New Republic

Weimar Germany, Part 1: Intoxicating Metropolis – Points: short and insightful writing about a long and complex history (pointshistory.com)

Going to be real interesting to see how this country handles the opiate problem in addition to the other things we're all seeing.

Yep.  The movie "Cabaret" was based on real life.

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2 hours ago, Robert F. Smith said:

I can tell that you enjoyed "Lilo & Stitch"

Yep.  The movie "Cabaret" was based on real life.

Lilo & Stich is one of my favorite movies.  Saw Finding Ohana last week, great family movie.  I'll check Cabaret out.

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