Popular Post Meadowchik Posted October 20, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted October 20, 2020 This board was very supportive when we were going through this. I feel it's appropriate to again share a really good part of the experience: Quote READER POST: Several years ago, we met a family through our LDS church. We immediately hit it off and, since they were looking for a new place to live, they moved next door to us. Now we attended the same ward and lived next door to each other, but nothing worked out how we had hoped. It was a Sunday when this neighbor punched my husband out. I had not seen it, because I was still inside, putting my shoes on after our teen daughter had warned us that the neighbors were in our back yard. I got to the door and my husband was coming back in, stunned. From her bedroom window, our daughter had witnessed her father confront the neighbor verbally and then saw the neighbor knock him out cold. Our daughter watched her dad fall to the ground and stay there. She was afraid, but after a few seconds he regained consciousness and came inside. All I knew at that moment as I was going out the door was that he’d been punched. I watched the neighbor slink back to his house and I yelled at him, “I can’t believe you punched my husband!” He ignored me and went inside. My husband is not a large man and was probably forty pounds lighter than the neighbor and several inches shorter. When he came inside, he was in shock. Later that day, the hurt he felt was emotional pain. My husband is not physically aggressive at all; I believe he had never truly expected violence from the neighbor who used to be his friend. He’d had enough trust and hope that he believed that confronting him would yield a good resolution. That moment was a turning point in the drawn-out ordeal with the neighbors. But something else happened, also unexpected. Within minutes, our two friends drove up. They are brothers, and they are both taller and stronger than the neighbor. They were just dropping by, and did not know about what had just transpired, but the neighbor did not know that. All he saw was our strong, caring friends showing up at the critical moment, completely willing to protect us. For me, this was extremely comforting. Not only did they comfort us in our shock, but they were at our side as we made the police report. This was also important to me in the days that followed, because I knew that the neighbor knew that we were protected. It took more than a year for the neighbors to move. We owned and they rented, and at first, they swore to stay and “make [our] lives miserable.” Our friends spent a lot of time at our house. But one brother also did something else. He knew the neighbor from the time he served as an LDS missionary, and served in their ward, years previously. This brother was diplomatic enough that he was able to come over to our house, spend time with us, and also check on the neighbor, and see how they were doing. Over time, he listened to them, tried to understand their needs and to offer his own assistance. Eventually, he helped them find a new place to live, and he helped them move. There are not enough words to express how grateful I am for the person our friend was to us, but also for who he was to our enemy. He saw a volatile situation and he understood that all communication and good will had degraded between us and the neighbors. He knew that the only way for us to reconcile would be to expose ourselves to more abuse from the neighbor. So he went in for us. He exercised patience and kindness that calmed the volatility, something we all benefitted from that year. In The Art of War, Sun Tzu writes, “The enemy of my enemy is my friend.” Wars and conflicts throughout history readily demonstrate this truism, even if it only applies temporarily. I can see how it works. However, our friend showed us something better, something that is less visible in the fog of history and more difficult to accomplish. Being a peacemaker is more powerful and more valuable. Blessed are the peacemakers, and blessed are the friends of the peacemakers. I am blessed. https://sistersquorum.com/2020/10/20/when-the-friend-of-my-enemy-is-my-friend/ 7 Link to comment
gav Posted October 20, 2020 Share Posted October 20, 2020 (edited) Has that "seek to understand before you seek to be understood" ring to it. Your friend seems like he was able to demonstrate a lot of that in this situation. Edited October 20, 2020 by gav 2 Link to comment
Meadowchik Posted October 20, 2020 Author Share Posted October 20, 2020 4 minutes ago, gav said: Has that "seek to understand before you seek to be understood" ring to it. Your friend seems like he was able to demonstrate a lot of that in this situation. Yes, he did, and he has given me a lifetime's worth of inspiration. I want to be more like him. My favorite part: In The Art of War, Sun Tzu writes, “The enemy of my enemy is my friend.” Wars and conflicts throughout history readily demonstrate this truism, even if it only applies temporarily. I can see how it works. However, our friend showed us something better, something that is less visible in the fog of history and more difficult to accomplish. Being a peacemaker is more powerful and more valuable. Link to comment
Maestrophil Posted October 20, 2020 Share Posted October 20, 2020 Why did your relationship with your neighbors go from friendship to so hurtful? Link to comment
Meadowchik Posted October 20, 2020 Author Share Posted October 20, 2020 26 minutes ago, Maestrophil said: Why did your relationship with your neighbors go from friendship to so hurtful? To answer simply, I think we just excessively trusted people who we barely knew. We should have gotten to know them more first, before making such permanent decisions. We later learned that the experience we had with them aligned with experiences their previous ward members had. I think they simply had too many issues to be able to have a good close relationship like we wanted. 1 Link to comment
Robert F. Smith Posted October 20, 2020 Share Posted October 20, 2020 1 hour ago, Meadowchik said: To answer simply, I think we just excessively trusted people who we barely knew. We should have gotten to know them more first, before making such permanent decisions. We later learned that the experience we had with them aligned with experiences their previous ward members had. I think they simply had too many issues to be able to have a good close relationship like we wanted. Years ago in another ward, everyone was pleased to welcome a new family into our ward. Husband and wife, two kids. Seemed like awfully nice people. Some ward members invited them over for dinner, and everyone had nice time. Later discovered that someone had raided their medicine cabinet in the bathroom -- took anything with opioid content. Come to find out that the husband had an addiction, but by then the family had already moved on. I felt so sad for the wife and kids. He should have gone to our bishop, who sometimes paid for systematic counseling for individuals and families. The man desperately needed rehab. Of course he needed first to recognize his own problem and ask for help. 2 Link to comment
Calm Posted October 20, 2020 Share Posted October 20, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, Meadowchik said: To answer simply, I think we just excessively trusted people who we barely knew. We should have gotten to know them more first, before making such permanent decisions. We later learned that the experience we had with them aligned with experiences their previous ward members had. I think they simply had too many issues to be able to have a good close relationship like we wanted. Something happened to my parents like that without the violence and they knew them for years at church. (Leased their home with option to buy and moved into an apt they made out of the garage. The tenants tore up the landscaping, renovated the inside without permission (did a good job there so parents speculated the trashed outside was to drive them away), and did a Jekyll Hyde impression where they refused to let the kids even acknowledged my parents’ existence where they were expecting they would continue to be treated like grandparents and only the husband would have any interaction with them. And spread rumors at church my parents were the ones needing help and that is why the move. My parents were traveling a lot then due to their parents’ health (their reason for agreeing to the lease), so it took them a bit to learn of the rumors and the previous fraudulent behaviour. And all might have been prevented except for Mormon Nice...don’t share bad experiences, rather forgive and forget... Just saying sometimes more time to get to know people is not enough, you have to interact with them in intimate quarters over time. Edited October 20, 2020 by Calm 2 Link to comment
Calm Posted October 20, 2020 Share Posted October 20, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Robert F. Smith said: Later discovered that someone had raided their medicine cabinet in the bathroom -- took anything with opioid content. Times have changed. You have opioids or anything recreational in the house, use a medicine safe. Drugs shouldn’t be kept in the bathroom anyway, humidity breaks them down faster. Edited October 20, 2020 by Calm 1 Link to comment
Meadowchik Posted October 21, 2020 Author Share Posted October 21, 2020 6 hours ago, Calm said: Something happened to my parents like that without the violence and they knew them for years at church. (Leased their home with option to buy and moved into an apt they made out of the garage. The tenants tore up the landscaping, renovated the inside without permission (did a good job there so parents speculated the trashed outside was to drive them away), and did a Jekyll Hyde impression where they refused to let the kids even acknowledged my parents’ existence where they were expecting they would continue to be treated like grandparents and only the husband would have any interaction with them. And spread rumors at church my parents were the ones needing help and that is why the move. My parents were traveling a lot then due to their parents’ health (their reason for agreeing to the lease), so it took them a bit to learn of the rumors and the previous fraudulent behaviour. And all might have been prevented except for Mormon Nice...don’t share bad experiences, rather forgive and forget... Just saying sometimes more time to get to know people is not enough, you have to interact with them in intimate quarters over time. Yes, time isn't enough either, on it's own! That sounds like a nightmare for your parents. Link to comment
Calm Posted October 21, 2020 Share Posted October 21, 2020 33 minutes ago, Meadowchik said: Yes, time isn't enough either, on it's own! That sounds like a nightmare for your parents. It was. They lost the house, but not their investment as Dad has been cautious about the contract and had the husband’s work guarantee the lease. They needed to move anyway as they needed to be closer to family and it was getting too expensive to live there, but to be forced to rather than take it in their own time and to have to leave with twisted feelings rather than fondness for their home of 20 years.... Link to comment
Meadowchik Posted October 21, 2020 Author Share Posted October 21, 2020 "He knew that the only way for us to reconcile would be to expose ourselves to more abuse from the neighbor. So he went in for us. " Sometimes we can do work for others which they cannot do themselves. And then be a critical part of improving their situation. 1 Link to comment
juliann Posted October 21, 2020 Share Posted October 21, 2020 22 hours ago, Meadowchik said: To answer simply, I think we just excessively trusted people who we barely knew. We should have gotten to know them more first, before making such permanent decisions. We later learned that the experience we had with them aligned with experiences their previous ward members had. I think they simply had too many issues to be able to have a good close relationship like we wanted. So sorry to hear about your situation. I can't even imagine being punched like that. It seems that sometimes those who are the worst are the most initially charming. I had to sue a ward member who took advantage of me financially after my husband died. When I moved, I bought a house in a cul de sac, the end of which had been moved into another ward. Come to find out that the previous homeowner couldn't let go of a dog biting her kid (who likely provoked it) and ended up suing the ward member. She lost, there was no real injury and like your story, I began to hear unpleasant stuff about her aside from that. But in the meantime, she divided the ward by insisting they take sides with her. The ward boundaries were restored when they moved. The fun part is how many people burble all over me about how glad they are I moved in. It took awhile to figure out. LOL 2 Link to comment
Meadowchik Posted October 21, 2020 Author Share Posted October 21, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, juliann said: So sorry to hear about your situation. I can't even imagine being punched like that. It seems that sometimes those who are the worst are the most initially charming. I had to sue a ward member who took advantage of me financially after my husband died. When I moved, I bought a house in a cul de sac, the end of which had been moved into another ward. Come to find out that the previous homeowner couldn't let go of a dog biting her kid (who likely provoked it) and ended up suing the ward member. She lost, there was no real injury and like your story, I began to hear unpleasant stuff about her aside from that. But in the meantime, she divided the ward by insisting they take sides with her. The ward boundaries were restored when they moved. The fun part is how many people burble all over me about how glad they are I moved in. It took awhile to figure out. LOL The beautiful thing at ugly times like this is people stepping in to help, like those who made you feel welcome. There are moments in life when it's critical. I'm glad it worked out for you and I am happy that the ward found more peace with your arrival. Edited October 21, 2020 by Meadowchik Link to comment
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