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Time to rerun again to the Temple, no matter what!


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Yes, two very close friends are going to assist me, in any way they can, even if the Temple has to make special provisions so that I can attend, without becoming a distraction. I do miss the peace of attendance and need to get back. Both my wife and I,  need to get back, after seven-plus years, . This due to health problems, and injuries. My family search and a large amount of additional, Family History, has born witness to me, that I must do more. So we have a lot more work to be done. Other than my attending my youngest son’s wedding, it has been 7 1/2 years since breaking my back. On April 19, 2012, since I served at the Temple rededication, on the actual “Day of Atonement for the Jews, for 8 hours, directing traffic. I did so, and my Stake President, a very close friend, was going to give me a tour, after everyone left. Trouble is, people lingered for hours, and hours. So, I figured I would go to the Temple for a secession soon after, in a week or two. But, my wife and I were in a bad accident just 32 days later, and I broke my back in three places, she in one. It took a three years, to work up to work up to just being able to attend the full three hour block. Now I am having more medical difficulties, and could not get through just our one hour Sacrament today, after a three month absence from attendance. It feels like I am back to square one again! I want to go to the Temple, I need to go to the Temple, I love going to the Temple. But as of late, it is two steps forward, and one step back. I am beginning to think, God will never make me “whole enough”, to go and do the work for those I love. My condition already lends itself to depression, sleeplessness, fatigue, and other issues. 

Please my brothers and sisters, pray for me to be healed. God, through a Priesthood blessing  already saved my life once, when my family had been called in, due to a serious illness. This when doctors feared I would not make it, but to what end? Is it just for endless suffering, is there a purpose? I have had two deaths in my family in the last two weeks, but here I am, with little more than the ability to write poetry to define it. I need prayers, because my family seems to need, and oddly enough wants me. I am just sooooooooo tired. I want to matter once again, I want to due the work of the Gospel once again, but I can do little, and I am so tired. 
 

What is to be done? 

Edited by Bill “Papa” Lee
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6 hours ago, Calm said:

Good luck with your attendance. 

Thank you, I had to do an edit, because I almost collapsed in Sacrament today, just since I wrote the original thread, a new sickness, one I thought was getting better, reared it ugly head, in a big way today. So, after the funeral of a family member tomorrow it would seem, it will be back to the doctors once again. I am just so tired, of moving forward (or under the illusion of it), only to find, I only thought I was getting better. After three months of missing Church, I could not get through one hour of Sacrament, barely able to walk out with a cane, and another helping me. It is episodes like this, that cause me to fear, disrupting a Temple endowment. As one Endowment in the Temple will also include, three hours of travel to get there and back. My wife warned me today, that I was to weak to go with her for a two hour meeting, which only requires 20 minutes of travel time, sadly she was right, as I could not get through one hour. I was able to partake of the Sacrament, which is the most important thing I guess, but ai do miss the association  of the Saints, so much. 

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I know the feeling of hope being painfully lost again.  I dread hope at times these days.

I know you hate the idea of a wheelchair,  but if it saves you enough energy to get there so you can last, it may change your view. My mother uses one to get to weddings and family gatherings and doctor’s appts and it makes a huge difference to her recovery time as well as allowing her to enjoy the experience rather than fearing the pain. If you don’t want to use a wheelchair, a walker that you can sit in and get pushed for the longer stretches or once you get tired is a great alternative and a blessing to those helping you because they have the reassurance they will be able to get you safely there and back, so they can enjoy the experience as well...which is so much nicer than going without you and feeling bad you are missing it or worrying about you at home.

When you have only so much energy, you have to make these kinds of calculations——if I save so much pain here, then I can use that saved energy for ______ (because pain is exhausting in a totally nonrejuvenating way compared to exercise).  And the calculations need to include the costs to others for your choices, your absence from family and community events creates pain for them as well. 

Accepting the need for a walker with a seat or wheelchair may feel like a great loss, one of the worst, but that loss may lead to regaining many other things you have had to give up, so once you get past the first hill of humiliation, you may find it much easier to endure once you start getting the rewards of being able to be involved again. 

If you do go the walker route, spend enough to get a sturdy and comfortable one. My mother prefers a soft curved, but wide back for support and a decent size nicely padded seat with sturdy wheels. I have been very impressed with her new one and the company is a one of the most popular ones from what I see. (Drive Medical, you can buy them on Amazon even though I think it worth the cost to try them out first to get one that fits you and the person who helps you the most, like having easily adjusted handles so they can be raised or lowered while using them to push you so their back isn’t stressed).  If the seat isn't comfortable, but the back is, adding a gel seat might make a perfect combo.

Edited by Calm
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My parents in their later years rode matching Jazzies to church every week, because they couldn't walk (often it was hard to get into the building).   But the Jazzies meant they could race each other, go to a nearby park and otherwise have a less homebound life than they would have had.

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