Converting against family's wishes: seeking PM advice

[Jane_Doe]

Hi,

I'm seeking someone to have a PM conversation with about experiences/advise about converting against your family's wishes.

Thanks in advance

[Calm]

Good luck with that.  I have no experience in that area.  Closest is a relative whose dad said he would rather the man rape her instead of baptize her, one hurt her body, the other he feared it would destroy her eternal soul.  I will have to ask to see if things have improved.  

[Garden Girl]

5 hours ago, Jane_Doe said:

Hi,

I'm seeking someone to have a PM conversation with about experiences/advise about converting against your family's wishes.

Thanks in advance

You don't say how old you are or where you live..  Nor do you say what issues they have... I'm always baffled because the LDS have some of the strictest standards of behavior.  One may not agree with some of the doctrine, but the people are generally viewed quite favorably. 

Do you live near a Deseret Book Store where you could get some materials that explain our faith such as the Gospel Principles Manual,,, or books such as "The Mormon Faith" by Robert Millet.  If you live near a temple, most have a Visitors' Center which includes a video about the Church.  My point is to be sure they have accurate info and not anti literature that twists or misrepresents our faith.  And be sure they are not mistaking the Church with groups like the FLDS... I can only encourage you to live the gospel fully and let your family see the positive aspects it has on your life.

GG

[rpn]

If you are under age and/or dependent still on your family and/or it is your spouse who objects, then if you chose to wait until your practice of your faith has time to show them the fruits of what you believe, I can tell you that God will not object.   Yes, baptism is important.   But so is keeping families together, and honoring your parents, at least in the sense of giving them time to get to know who you become when following gospel principles.   If they remain adamant and/or are abusive rather than neutral as you exercise your faith and worship, then you may need to leave those who do that.    It is a mournful place to be for sure.

Edited February 6, 2017 by rpn

[Jane_Doe]

5 hours ago, Garden Girl said:

You don't say how old you are or where you live..  Nor do you say what issues they have... I'm always baffled because the LDS have some of the strictest standards of behavior.  One may not agree with some of the doctrine, but the people are generally viewed quite favorably. 

Do you live near a Deseret Book Store where you could get some materials that explain our faith such as the Gospel Principles Manual,,, or books such as "The Mormon Faith" by Robert Millet.  If you live near a temple, most have a Visitors' Center which includes a video about the Church.  My point is to be sure they have accurate info and not anti literature that twists or misrepresents our faith.  And be sure they are not mistaking the Church with groups like the FLDS... I can only encourage you to live the gospel fully and let your family see the positive aspects it has on your life.

GG

I assure you, I'm familiar with the LDS faith-- I'm an endowed practicing member of thirty years.  My husband is looking at possibly converting, but several of his family members are very anti-Mormon and will be... complicated, to say the least.  I"m wondering if anyone here has experience/advice on navigating that obstacle course.

[Jeanne]

I really can't answer to your specific questions but I believe that you and your husband will find a way to make things work..

Just a thought and/or experience I had that has made me empathetic to your situation..and mine.

I had a former co-employee that used to work with me part-time.  He was a young man and had the biggest heart and we got a long so well.  We were doing some dishes together in the bakery and just kind of got into a conversation about religion.  He said that he had to move out of his home as he had just become baptized in the mormon church and was presently working to save for his mission..He asked of me and what I thought.  I smiled and told him that I had to move from my county because I could not associate with my father as he thought he would not get a Temple recommend by his association with me.  We both stopped working...looked into eachothers eyes and tears flowed.  There was some great love and compassion on both sides...what to do?  Follow you heart and love ye one another.

Edited February 6, 2017 by Jeanne

[ERayR]

17 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

I assure you, I'm familiar with the LDS faith-- I'm an endowed practicing member of thirty years.  My husband is looking at possibly converting, but several of his family members are very anti-Mormon and will be... complicated, to say the least.  I"m wondering if anyone here has experience/advice on navigating that obstacle course.

If he truly believes it is better to be true to ones convictions.  It may be rough on family relations but I don't believe you should let someone else make your important decisions.  As Shakespeare writes in Hamlet

“This above all: to thine own self be true
And it must follow, as the night the day

Thou canst not then be false to any man/Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!”

[Jane_Doe]

27 minutes ago, ERayR said:

If he truly believes it is better to be true to ones convictions.  It may be rough on family relations but I don't believe you should let someone else make your important decisions.  As Shakespeare writes in Hamlet

“This above all: to thine own self be true
And it must follow, as the night the day

Thou canst not then be false to any man/Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!”

Be true, totally.  But sometimes there are things you can do to present the news go over better/worse than other.  

[Guest]

On February 6, 2017 at 10:47 AM, Jane_Doe said:

I assure you, I'm familiar with the LDS faith-- I'm an endowed practicing member of thirty years.  My husband is looking at possibly converting, but several of his family members are very anti-Mormon and will be... complicated, to say the least.  I"m wondering if anyone here has experience/advice on navigating that obstacle course.

If he is converted, if he truly believes, then he should join. You cannot go to a family reunion with my family not see 10-15 Baptist ministers. In fact my Father was one...it took time but no now thinks that I am not a Christian. I began in a Baptist pulpit myself, which upset a few. But now I am asked to pray at gatherings, speak at Funerals, etc. 

Edited February 7, 2017 by Bill "Papa" Lee

[Garden Girl]

2 hours ago, Jane_Doe said:

I assure you, I'm familiar with the LDS faith-- I'm an endowed practicing member of thirty years.  My husband is looking at possibly converting, but several of his family members are very anti-Mormon and will be... complicated, to say the least.  I"m wondering if anyone here has experience/advice on navigating that obstacle course.

Hello Jane...

I'm glad you continue to live the gospel, and wish you well in this... from your post I thought it was about you.  Actually what I posted can apply to his situation.  Does his family understand our basic beliefs, and/or would they be willing to receive something like the Gospel Principles Manual that explains our beliefs? I was married to a non-LDS man and it is not easy.  He was leaning toward the Church but died suddenly.  Because of this I felt comfortable having his ordinances performed for him, and I'm now sealed to him.  I'm afraid I can't be of help in regard to disapproving family, but my personal opinion is that the gospel is so important eternally to you both that he should pursue his investigating.  And depending on that, if he comes to a belief in the truthfulness, he should convert and hope his family will see the good.  Best wishes to you both...

from the beach on a blustery, windswept, rainy day... GG

[Jane_Doe]

34 minutes ago, Garden Girl said:

Does his family understand our basic beliefs, and/or would they be willing to receive something like the Gospel Principles Manual that explains our beliefs?

Nope, they flat out refuse.  All they did is attend 20 minutes of a 6 hour anti-Mormon course which confirmed all they already "knew".   They also expressly don't want to talk about it (unless there's no LDS people in the room).  Why?  Because they admit I am a so much stronger in my faith and knowledge of Christianity then them.  (Sorry for the vent, this is a long source of frustration).  

34 minutes ago, Garden Girl said:

 Because of this I felt comfortable having his ordinances performed for him, and I'm now sealed to him.

Awesome!

[bluebell]

That's hard.  I think there comes a point where all you can do is tell someone that you love them, will always love them, and hope that your choice doesn't cause too much pain, but that you have to do what you believe God is telling you to do.

Christ did say that He has to come first, even above our family relationships if necessary, but that doesn't mean it's not really hard, and not sad.

[thesometimesaint]

If you don't require legal permission(at least 18 years old in the US) get baptized, and let your family figure it out.

[pogi]

25 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

Nope, they flat out refuse.  All they did is attend 20 minutes of a 6 hour anti-Mormon course which confirmed all they already "knew".   They also expressly don't want to talk about it (unless there's no LDS people in the room).  Why?  Because they admit I am a so much stronger in my faith and knowledge of Christianity then them.  (Sorry for the vent, this is a long source of frustration).  

Is your husband aware of their specific concerns?  He is probably the only one they will listen to.  Help your husband to know how to answer their specific questions and concerns.  It is important that he knows their questions and concerns so that he does not become disillusioned by them after being baptized. Have him share his testimony and conversion story with them.

It doesn't sound like there is much hope for them to soften up to the idea of baptism, but sometimes people soften up after seeing how the gospel affects people.  I taught a man in the Philippines who was a life-long drinker/smoker, he was a nuisance to his family when he got drunk.  His wife was very bitter to us whenever we would come over and teach the discussions.  She was "born Catholic and will die Catholic", she scoffed at her husband for listening to us.  She was very cold and very mean to us and her husband.  However, this man was completely converted to the gospel.  He stopped drinking and smoking and became a gentler, kinder husband and father.  He was baptized in front of his house in a small river.  His wife reluctantly attended since it was at her house and she didn't have anywhere else to be.  After he was baptized, he bore his testimony in his small bamboo hut to his wife and children...the spirit was profoundly palpable as this humble man broke down in tears and spoke of the change of heart that he had experienced and thanked us for "saving his life".  I looked over at his wife and she was balling.  That is all it took for her.  She came up to me after and told me that she too wants to be baptized.  She said that there is a light radiating from her husband that she has never seen before and she cannot resist it. She was taught and baptized along with 3 of her children.

 

[hagoth7]

On 2/5/2017 at 9:22 PM, Jane_Doe said:

Hi,

I'm seeking someone to have a PM conversation with about experiences/advise about converting against your family's wishes.

Thanks in advance

Feel free to PM me...if you still need a sounding board.

[emeliza]

My family was not in favor of my joining, but they weren't necessarily anti either.  They weren't pleased with my decision, but respected it.  I think my temple marriage was by far harder than my joining the church for them.

[Rain]

I think you can only be honest and loving with them.  I know this sounds odd, but from his family's point of view it fits. This last year my son told me he was making a choice contrary to the commandments.  It broke my heart at the same time it was the first time he has been honest with me in a long time.

While I still hope he turns around and lIves the commandments he had found a way to show me love that he couldn't before.  That has helped or relationship.  

So I  can only say to be honest with them,  but love them.  Realize that this breaks their hearts and treat them with that understanding and not with an adversarial understanding. I know people don't mean to do that,  but our fears often make it that way. He has to make the right choice with the Lord, but after if he can think of their broken heart needs before how it will effect himself they will feel his love even if they react badly. 

[hagoth7]

14 hours ago, emeliza said:

....I think my temple marriage was by far harder than my joining the church for them.

Likely because it excluded them.

Perhaps it might be worthwhile for some of us, in the future, to consider a public marriage first (as required in much of Europe)....and a temple sealing later.

The gesture would help heal the rift in divided families. (Even making it a bit more likely that some of them would also be there for the eventual sealing.)

FWIW

Edited February 10, 2017 by hagoth7

[Jeanne]

1 hour ago, hagoth7 said:

Likely because it excluded them.

Perhaps it might be worthwhile for some of us, in the future, to consider a public marriage first (as required in much of Europe)....and a temple sealing later.

The gesture would help heal the rift in divided families. (Even making it a bit more likely that some of them would also be there for the eventual sealing.)

FWIW

Yo...finally someone who agrees that this should be so in USA!!

[Jeanne]

16 hours ago, emeliza said:

My family was not in favor of my joining, but they weren't necessarily anti either.  They weren't pleased with my decision, but respected it.  I think my temple marriage was by far harder than my joining the church for them.

I appreciate you empthazing with family on the Temple Marriage part...if you had a chance, would you do it differently?

[thesometimesaint]

In much of Europe a religious wedding is not recognized by the state. Not so the US.

Edited February 10, 2017 by thesometimesaint

[hagoth7]

6 hours ago, Jeanne said:

Yo...finally someone who agrees that this should be so in USA!!

I'm not saying should...as in it should not be mandated.

I'm simply suggesting that some could/should consider it *as an option*......agency.

Edited February 10, 2017 by hagoth7

[hagoth7]

1 hour ago, Jeanne said:

I appreciate you empthazing with family on the Temple Marriage part...if you had a chance, would you do it differently?

 

Over 30 years ago, we opted for a small temple ceremony, then a brief lunch with close friends/family, and then we took off for several private days together, and returned for a larger reception. A decent plan.

But if I were to marry again, I *would* do it differently....to be more inclusive of non-LDS friends.

(But then again, that's somewhat moot, since I no longer consider myself LDS.)

Not sure temple presidents/matrons would allow me to cross their threshold anyway...  ;0)

Edited February 10, 2017 by hagoth7

[emeliza]

1 hour ago, Jeanne said:

I appreciate you empthazing with family on the Temple Marriage part...if you had a chance, would you do it differently?

Not a chance in the world if I had it to do over again at this point.  I might have given a different answer at other points in my life. But since my husband is gone now, I am eternally thankful we got sealed right away instead of married and sealed a year or so later.

Also, we did it in a temple that has a waiting room in the building before the recommend desk, so my mom was able to help me get dressed and sit inside the temple, but not the temple.  And my darling MIL and FIL stayed with my parents even though they could have come in.

My decision to marry and get sealed in the temple was very hard, but I feel I made the best decision for us.

Edited February 10, 2017 by emeliza

[Jeanne]

1 hour ago, emeliza said:

Not a chance in the world if I had it to do over again at this point.  I might have given a different answer at other points in my life. But since my husband is gone now, I am eternally thankful we got sealed right away instead of married and sealed a year or so later.

Also, we did it in a temple that has a waiting room in the building before the recommend desk, so my mom was able to help me get dressed and sit inside the temple, but not the temple.  And my darling MIL and FIL stayed with my parents even though they could have come in.

My decision to marry and get sealed in the temple was very hard, but I feel I made the best decision for us.

I hear you.  When we are young marrieds..we think we will always have eachother around.  I respect your decision.