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I find myself in an odd situation...need advice.


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As some of you know the wife and I just back (2 weeks ago) from our Alaska Cruise to celebrate our 40 years of marriage. Upon our return we began to tell stories, post pictures...the usual. Something happened that I just did not expect; anger! My siblings have made snide remarks like, "it must be nice!". My brother and my wife's sister wanting to know how we can afford the trip...or "where do you guys get the money to go on all these cruises" (it has only been two in our entire lives). 

My wife and I have tried to save money, live within budgets, so that we can do such things. My siblings have not and now seem slighted by the fact that we can enjoy ourselves.

Has anyone here ever experienced such things? Is so, how did you cope? 

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7 hours ago, Robert F. Smith said:

Be nice, even though they are being so unkind and inconsiderate.  They are, after all, family, and you should not ignore them.  Just be very frank and direct:  Tell them the truth -- that you scrimped and saved for decades and then happily celebrated your 40th anniversary.  And smile as you say it.  They'll still be envious and perhaps angry, but they will at least know that you did what was necessary to enjoy your two cruises.  Tell them quite frankly, "Save up and you can do likewise."

I agree wholeheartedly... 

GG

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I have seen this in families before PaPa..envy is alive and well.  Comments like these are fleeting and will soon just fade away as time goes by..llve the anger and then let it go.  I have a terrific idea that worked on my Mother's side of the family.  All the bros and sis saved and took a cruise together with a huge discount.  Planning ahead with something like this might be a salve to the sore spots.  That being said, it is the human nature of our beings..and has nothing to do with real love and respect.  Like those who have mentioned above, be honest on how your earned this trip!!  Then let it be.  Hugs to you and your wife of 40 years!! 

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Who are these "average Americans" spending $15 a day?  :blink:

Anyway, don't act defensive.  Just be upfront about having to save up for it.  "Yes, it was nice!  It was totally worth putting aside money for all those years."

 

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21 minutes ago, Traela said:

Who are these "average Americans" spending $15 a day?  :blink:

Anyone who gets Starbucks in the morning and McDonalds at lunch.

I was pretty broke at one point but where I worked had a cafe.  I would spend about $5 a day on food there.  Then I realized that $5/day x 5 days a week x 4 weeks a month meant I was spending $100/month there.
At that point in my life that was more than I could afford but I didn't realize it at first.

Anyone you work with full time who gets a fancy coffee every morning and then grabs lunch somewhere is in this category.  I know many.

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14 hours ago, Jane_Doe said:

The people whom are saying those things are silly, and frankly its none of their buincess.  Don't worry about them.

They are family...if it were a friend, I would just assume that they really were not friends. Family is hard to escape, I love them and do not want to hurt their feelings. But I can turn the other cheek, but my wife will do that when someone hits her on her cheek, but when they hit me...war! :) 

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14 hours ago, Robert F. Smith said:

Be nice, even though they are being so unkind and inconsiderate.  They are, after all, family, and you should not ignore them.  Just be very frank and direct:  Tell them the truth -- that you scrimped and saved for decades and then happily celebrated your 40th anniversary.  And smile as you say it.  They'll still be envious and perhaps angry, but they will at least know that you did what was necessary to enjoy your two cruises.  Tell them quite frankly, "Save up and you can do likewise."

I did tell them it took two years and the cost of not eating out twice a month. Then I invited them to do the same and come with us next time. 

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3 hours ago, JLHPROF said:

Anyone who gets Starbucks in the morning and McDonalds at lunch.

I was pretty broke at one point but where I worked had a cafe.  I would spend about $5 a day on food there.  Then I realized that $5/day x 5 days a week x 4 weeks a month meant I was spending $100/month there.
At that point in my life that was more than I could afford but I didn't realize it at first.

Anyone you work with full time who gets a fancy coffee every morning and then grabs lunch somewhere is in this category.  I know many.

I pointed that out...we just save $80.00 a month. Well we paid that, cruise ships will let you book18 months or more in advance and pay however you want until a certain date. So as you suggested we ate out less. I even invited my sister two years ago and she said that she will not fly. So I told her just take a cruise out of Florida (we live in Atlanta) and drive down to the ship port of call. Even then she spoke of how they could not afford it. She and her husband eat out about 15 times a month and go camping 3-4 times in the Smokey Mountians every summer. It is not that they don't make enough, they just don't know how to handle money and sacrifice. I guess I am just a little "taken a back" at these comments. 

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4 hours ago, Traela said:

Who are these "average Americans" spending $15 a day?  :blink:

Anyway, don't act defensive.  Just be upfront about having to save up for it.  "Yes, it was nice!  It was totally worth putting aside money for all those years."

 

When I worked, I would spend close to that every day for lunch. I love "Steak n Shake", that is an easy eight bucks a day. Of course before I retired I could swing that...then after breaking my back even less and I still made this trip. You went on this same cruise didn't you? (The Alaska cruise)

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19 hours ago, Robert F. Smith said:

Be nice, even though they are being so unkind and inconsiderate.  They are, after all, family, and you should not ignore them.  Just be very frank and direct:  Tell them the truth -- that you scrimped and saved for decades and then happily celebrated your 40th anniversary.  And smile as you say it.  They'll still be envious and perhaps angry, but they will at least know that you did what was necessary to enjoy your two cruises.  Tell them quite frankly, "Save up and you can do likewise."

I agree with the above, and would add this: I suggest you don't talk about the cruise with family members any further.  You enjoyed it, and you did nothing wrong in going.  But talking about it appears to be exciting feelings of resentment and jealousy.  That is unfortunate, but it's a human response.  Rather than try to get them to feel happy for you, perhaps placating their grouchiness by not talking about your trip would short-circuit further resentments.

Thanks,

-Smac

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On May 29, 2016 at 10:07 PM, Pa Pa said:

As some of you know the wife and I just back (2 weeks ago) from our Alaska Cruise to celebrate our 40 years of marriage. Upon our return we began to tell stories, post pictures...the usual. Something happened that I just did not expect; anger! My siblings have made snide remarks like, "it must be nice!". My brother and my wife's sister wanting to know how we can afford the trip...or "where do you guys get the money to go on all these cruises" (it has only been two in our entire lives). 

My wife and I have tried to save money, live within budgets, so that we can do such things. My siblings have not and now seem slighted by the fact that we can enjoy ourselves.

Has anyone here ever experienced such things? Is so, how did you cope? 

I'd reply, in order...

yes, it is nice! 

worked and saved!

 

and like all comments given

 

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On 5/29/2016 at 11:07 PM, Pa Pa said:

"it must be nice!"

 

On 5/29/2016 at 11:07 PM, Pa Pa said:

"where do you guys get the money to go on all these cruises"

The only time I myself have run into these instances has been those family and friends that cannot see why I continue to tithe when we have been on hard times for years. I have encountered a lot of sarcasm and bitterness over what they see as money better spent elsewhere.

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On 5/30/2016 at 0:22 PM, Pa Pa said:

They are family...if it were a friend, I would just assume that they really were not friends. Family is hard to escape, I love them and do not want to hurt their feelings. But I can turn the other cheek, but my wife will do that when someone hits her on her cheek, but when they hit me...war! :) 

THIS IS CRAZY, PA PA!  How the heck much do they think it costs to do this?  My wife and I went on three cruises and found them to be the most cost-effective and enjoyable vacations we had ever been on.

https://www.expedia.com/Cruise-Search?destination=alaska&earliest-departure-date=2016-07-01

Clicking on this link takes you to week-long Alaska cruises that cost as little as $450 per person!  Add in airfare to the port, and maybe that's more money, but given that a vaguely decent hotel can cost $100 per night (or more), and then add in food, entertainment and so on, you could easily end up spending just as much as you would on a cruise for a lot less enjoyment.

You need to send these people to the web and get them to realize that a cruise is no longer some kind of wildly expensive thing that only the ultra-rich can do.  

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On 5/30/2016 at 10:08 AM, Traela said:

Who are these "average Americans" spending $15 a day?  :blink:

Me, out to lunch most weekdays at work with friends and colleagues. Add in the occasional dinner if I do not feel like cooking and it is probably a little under $15 a day. Not a huge deal as I still have enough for saving and vacations and the like.

On 6/4/2016 at 0:28 PM, Stargazer said:

THIS IS CRAZY, PA PA!  How the heck much do they think it costs to do this?  My wife and I went on three cruises and found them to be the most cost-effective and enjoyable vacations we had ever been on.

https://www.expedia.com/Cruise-Search?destination=alaska&earliest-departure-date=2016-07-01

Clicking on this link takes you to week-long Alaska cruises that cost as little as $450 per person!  Add in airfare to the port, and maybe that's more money, but given that a vaguely decent hotel can cost $100 per night (or more), and then add in food, entertainment and so on, you could easily end up spending just as much as you would on a cruise for a lot less enjoyment.

You need to send these people to the web and get them to realize that a cruise is no longer some kind of wildly expensive thing that only the ultra-rich can do.  

Also, this. Cruises are not that expensive unless you are living paycheck to paycheck. Most people with middle class income can save that much in a month or two if they tighten their belts. If you make little you can usually still get together that much cash twice a year unless you are LDS and have six children.

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On Friday, June 10, 2016 at 9:14 PM, The Nehor said:

Me, out to lunch most weekdays at work with friends and colleagues. Add in the occasional dinner if I do not feel like cooking and it is probably a little under $15 a day. Not a huge deal as I still have enough for saving and vacations and the like.

Also, this. Cruises are not that expensive unless you are living paycheck to paycheck. Most people with middle class income can save that much in a month or two if they tighten their belts. If you make little you can usually still get together that much cash twice a year unless you are LDS and have six children.

Or have health problems.  Or housing is high where you live.  Or any number of things.

------

We have felt really blessed with what my husband makes.  It hasn't always been easy and we have at times made less as an engineer than a starting Utah teacher makes. We recognize that others have it much harder than we do sometimes and that others (like in the OP) spend their money differently than we choose so I have been defensive of our spending. I'll say we are doing something that costs money and then find myself immediately talking about my bargain shopping,  coupons,  rebates, frequent flier miles with work travel and credit card offers or that we don't have cable etc. I've recognized that I need to stop doing this.

Years ago I used to get defensive about being a SAHM. Then I read someone who said she just decided to own that she was blessed to be a SAHM. When people said she was lucky she just replied,  "yes I am". That clicked for me.  It's funny because with that confidence I no longer got comments. Now if I could only do it for our spending! 

So "it must be nice"  - "yes, it is." Nothing more needed.

"Where do you get the money?" - "It was a great trip. I would love to help you budget the money like we did. Let me know if you would like the help."

Edited by Rain
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