Forgiveness, divorce, testimony

[Spencer 88]

Hi, anybody willing to read and share some input.

I am in a tough situation and will try to give a brief overview of all. My wife and I are from dysfunctional part member or so so active hypocritical homes. I was inactive, read the BOM repented and gained a testimony, went on a mission, got back and made some mistakes etc. Met my wife, who I thought was an amazing person, but she was inactive. We dated, slipped with sexual transgression, got pregnant and decided to get married. Both had desire to marry each other, but had some apprehensions due to slipping and failing on those goals.

I fell into a deep depression and was disfellowshipped as I expected. I felt like I failed God and myself and the witnesses I had received. I felt hopeless and wrote some terrible things about my wife and secretly began to loathe her as I despised myself. Had our son, I sought help and went on antidepressants and went to counseling. I pulled up out of that hole, and had a new hope for us. My wife found my journal and read all the things I said, that I no longer felt about her and our future. It destroyed her. 

She has since been with me, but not emotionally there, won't do things to progress with me. I quit both my jobs and moved for her masters program, after she had left me earlier and came back and decided to work through things and have a fresh start. Now she is disconnected again, has expressed she has no faith in God because  of her life and the terrible things that happen in the world, and because of the church's decision to exclude children of gay couples...

I am tired of trying to prove I didn't mean those things and being constantly pushed away. I am scared and now she wants a divorce as I said I need her to commit and she says she can't trust or love me. She is going to speak with a counselor from school. She doesn't want to be with me especially if I desire a temple sealing. I fear the worst for us and our son, and have been trying as much as I can give without being burnt from her rejection. I do love her, but don't know how much more I can take. 

Anybody have similar experiences? The consequences of the divorce will make life nearly impossible, will have to shuffle our child, pay for two rents, lose half of everything, work around child care and child payments, and the devastating loneliness that comes with divorce and the stigma of trying to find another spouse when you have a child and are divorced. I am 28.

 

[Storm Rider]

Hello Spencer,

You are going through some deeply personal, challenging experiences in your life.  Though I can appreciate your desire to talk things through and have a sounding board, this Forum really does not best serve that purpose.  You may want to review our guidelines for further explanation.

Suffice it to say you are not alone.  We are humans and we each make mistakes.  You need to see and talk with your bishop or stake president and/or a counselor that is more qualified and capable to completely understand your situation and assist you walk through experiences and to assist you make decisions that will have a lasting impact on your life.  Do not fear for you are not unique.  Be assured that the Lord knows you, understands you, and is more than ready to forgive - to wash away all the sins in your life.  You are meant for great things and no blessing will be lost to you if you repent and renew your commitment to take upon yourself the name of Jesus Christ and be his disciple.  

There is light at the end of the tunnel.