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Update


LOSTONE

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I have been off this site for over a mouth now. I don’t think anyone has really notice, but I didn’t expect anyone to. It’s just me. A nameless guy behind black typed computer words. Nothing more.

Anyways, in my time away, my life has turned upside down. My mom is terminally ill and is living beyond expectations so far. If she makes it to March 9 her birthday ) it will be surprising to everyone. I assist my mom in her daily care. No other relatives as they don’t care to. No hospice as my is terminal, but still able to function rather well all things give. Plus mom would blow a gas cap if I brought in hospice. Mom has always had this horrible doom and gloom view of society and life. Constantly negative and angry. Her current situation just gives her fuel to increase it. I get it all day, every day from her. It’s hard to be around her. My wife is also dealing with possible breast cancer. They found a good size lump and her family history has breast cancer in it. Will know more as this coming week arrives. She is scared, our daughter is scared, I am scared. I love my wife. I went to my old church today as I felt I was drawn to it. It was nice being back there. Like going home again. I was welcomed back and I may return there for good. Time will tell. I am also in a huge financial disaster that was not foreseen, but could cause me to become homeless by the end of February if some sort of something major doesn’t happen to help me out. I have tired everything and it all has failed. So far, my time away from this site comes with such unfavorable issues as an update and ya know what? I feel very much alone and helpless. End of update.

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Nope, I noticed. A couple of others have been gone as well, I worry but not much one can do when it is just a name.

My dad died while you were gone, he got sick and was gone two days later without regaining consciousness. I don't know if I would want the negativity or not if I could talk to him a bit to say goodbye. I am taking care of Mom now and she too is overflowing with negativity, though this was never a habit with her before. She is very scared about what her life is now, what does it mean.

Some things in life are so very messy, I don't know what advice to give besides try to do what you think is right so you have few regrets about your own actions. You can't control others, they will respond how they need to respond even if you give them all that you have. You need to feel good about what you are doing for you because they may never understand what it took you to help them.

I am sorry about your wife's experience. Waiting to learn whether it is benign or malignant is nauseating. I was lucky, mine was benign. I hope your wife has as good as news as that was to me.

Sorry about the money issues, having financial security in rough times is nice, it must be so very much more stressful to be worried if you are going to have a roof over your head as well. I don't think I could cope. Can you talk to someone at your church and see if they have any aid or suggestions for assistance?

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I noticed.  At least talk with hospice --- I've found they are very good at meeting everyone where they actually are, and helping the caregivers too.   Worst case is that you use their help and your mother refuses to speak with them.   Best case is your mother uses them as the sounding board instead of you, giving you  a little respite, and is medicated to be without pain.

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I too noticed... you think people didn't, but many did, including me...  And, when we say we will pray, we will...  I'm just so very sorry about your situation.  Calmoriah is right, there's not much we can do but let you know we will pray for you and your family... your wife... your mother... your financial situation... My prayer was also for you to have inner strength to be able to bear up and be guided in what to do. 

 

GG

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I noticed. At least talk with hospice --- I've found they are very good at meeting everyone where they actually are, and helping the caregivers too. Worst case is that you use their help and your mother refuses to speak with them.

I wandered about that. I wanted to suggest that, but didn't know if a hospice would work that way. Good to know some will.

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I noticed. At least talk with hospice --- I've found they are very good at meeting everyone where they actually are, and helping the caregivers too. Worst case is that you use their help and your mother refuses to speak with them. Best case is your mother uses them as the sounding board instead of you, giving you a little respite, and is medicated to be without pain.

They were awesome with my mom too, hopefully Lostone will seek their help and be firm with his mom about it. If he doesn't, he could jeopardize his health and no matter how cantankerous she is about it, she'll come to her senses either in this life or the next,that it was the best thing.
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Please do what you can to get hospice in to assist. They are wonderful and really a blessing. We had them in for my mother, and they were extremely helpful.

 

I can heartily agree with this.  During the final months of my wife"s illness they were a Godsend to us. 

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I went through a similar trial with my mom.  But I realize that no two end-of-life situations are the same.  Even if they were, suffering is an individual experience. We have different personal strengths and weaknesses and different life experiences, all of which affect how we subjectively experience a specific traumatic event.  I cannot say that I know how you feel, because I am not you.  But what you are experiencing does resonate with me. My prayers are with you and your family.

 

Based on my experience, I second what Tacenda and Calmoriah have said.  Unless you get help, you are jeopardizing your own health, as well as your ability to make good decisions about how best to take care of your mother.  As my mother’s doctor warned me, the stress on the caregiver can become so great that the patient outlives the caregiver.  Also. if you break down, who is going to care for your mother?  At least speak to hospice. There may be programs where they can send someone to your home to help out, even for a few hours.  Also ask them about “respite care” to give you a break from the constant physical and emotional demands on you.  Even a day of respite makes a big difference.  Besides, the respite caregiver may see some things that you have missed, and have some suggestions on how to better meet your mother’s needs.  I believe that Medicare covers some home hospice services.  Depending on your mother’s financial circumstances, state aid for hospice care may be available.  Also, if either of your parents served in the military, VA benefits (or VA spousal benefits) may be available under some circumstances.

 

If you haven’t already done so, speak to your bishop/relief society president about the possibility of getting some respite help, and ask about LDS social services.  I failed  to do this, probably out of stupid pride (as if there were any other kind).  After all, “real men” should help other people, but handle their own problems without bothering the bishop, or asking him for help because this would divert ward resources from helping other people.  

(IOW,  pride masquerading as altruism).
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If you haven’t already done so, speak to your bishop/relief society president about the possibility of getting some respite help, and ask about LDS social services.  I failed  to do this, probably out of stupid pride (as if there were any other kind).  After all, “real men” should help other people, but handle their own problems without bothering the bishop, or asking him for help because this would divert ward resources from helping other people.  
(IOW,  pride masquerading as altruism).

 

 

I believe Lostone is not LDS. 

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If you haven’t already done so, speak to your bishop/relief society president about the possibility of getting some respite help, and ask about LDS social services.  I failed  to do this, probably out of stupid pride (as if there were any other kind).  After all, “real men” should help other people, but handle their own problems without bothering the bishop, or asking him for help because this would divert ward resources from helping other people.  

(IOW,  pride masquerading as altruism).

 

Lostone isn't a Latter-Day Saint. Hopefully his own church has resources for him. Sounds like he is just slowly getting back there as well. I am not aware of the typical lines of help of Protestant churches.

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"Unless you get help, you are jeopardizing your own health, as well as your ability to make good decisions about how best to take care of your mother"

I totally agree with this...I was getting better with this stupid cough that everyone is getting around here, including Mom, and then Mom had a really bad day and I had to do some heavy duty reassurance and attention for her and even though it was relatively easy overall, it was just enough in addition to the upheaval that occurred adding Mom to our very laid back, flexible household to send me back to bed with it significantly worse. Thankfully the worse two days someone else in the family was able to be the primary caregiver, but it taught me I need to be very, very careful to keep balance in my own life as much as possible. I just don't have the option like I usually do to just go to bed and ignore the world.

It can take some effort to get the help including convincing your mother to accept it, but it will most likely be worth it in the long run....if only to help you feel less alone. I can get very panicky and just freak out if I start feeling that way. It takes all the energy and makes it almost impossible to respond like I should with meals on time, etc.

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Thank you all for the support and advice. It does help and matter to me alot. I have read every reply and will follow up on the hospice and other advice given. It really does matter so thank you all. P.S... I am not LDS, but have some really great friends who are so I will be letting them in on all of this. LSD or not, it's about who is good and who cares. Thanks.

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