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Family


LOSTONE

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Well, I am not sure if this is the right way to say it. My heart needs? My heart wants? It’s family. It’s always has been family for me. My heart and soul for family and I have none. I always new I was a family man at the core of who I am no matter the trash I cover myself up with and others see. I never had a real family growing up. I was adopted at age 2 ½ into a very abusive and dysfunctional group of people who happen to be related to each other. They were never family. There was no real love, just sugar coated crap to fake love for what they wanted at the time. No true connections or meaning among them beyond their abuse and dysfunction. As an adult, with my ex, I thought I found what I was looking for. What my heart and soul could melt into with such joy for ever and ever. Than my daughter was born and boom, I had the family I always wanted. But being the jerk I was, after so many fights between my ex and me, I just gave up on caring or investing into my marriage emotionally. That was the end of any family I had or could of had. That was my death. Now that my ex and daughter visited for several weeks for the Christmas season, I reconnected to the thoughts and feelings of family again. I felt alive and happy. I had family again. But they had to leave and along with my moment of family. I had to die again in heart and soul when they left. Is my heart and soul needing a family or wanting a family? Does it matter if it is a need or a want? I just know what I feel and I know it’s 100 percent real and it hurts like hell and there is no solution for the pain. None. I am so falling depressed. What good is a man without the love of family? Without family, life seems so pointless. Anyways...

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