Dealing With Death ( The Before Life )

[LOSTONE]

As a Christian, I often feel like I shouldn’t be ‘dealing’ with death but rather ‘accepting’ death as it is a transformation of limited life to ever lasting life. I feel guilty in a  way when I am unable to make peace with death and the life that once was, but that is what I find myself doing these days.

A few weeks back, my aging mom, who already has multiple health issues, was diagnosed with a serious health issue that has no cure and very limited treatment for her comforts. This came as unexpected as it could over simple head aches she was having. She will die. This is a fact of her condition, but when is hard to say. It will probably be painful for her sadly. Mom has really gotten mean towards me. I am a dumping grounds more and more for her anger and negative emotions. Just me, not my siblings. Me, the only one who has forgiven her for the horrible childhood she put us through and the only one now who cares for her and helps her. Mom has become angry and mean and it hits me constantly. It’s very hard on me.

I have been wondering more about the life we leave behind than the life we are going to upon the arrival of death. What is the point of life we live on Earth if it becomes so invisible to everyone and forgotten after we die? Most of us live a life that is already invisible and meaningless to so many others on this planet, but for the limited few, it has value and purpose. Even to us it does. But after we die, the life we live seems to fade out as if not ever there to begin with. That bothers me alot and seems to be a pointless aspect of who we are. We live, survive, suffer, give, do, so on and on so much while we are alive and then it all goes away as if it was never here to begin with. Why? Why do we have to go through all of this just to have it erased so easily after we are gone? It’s not the after life that bothers me, but the before life that does.

Anyways, I am under a lot of stress and baggage so maybe I am just over thinking and feeling things too much. Thank God there is an after life because this before life sucks.

[rpn]

Live is never meaningless to the person who lived it.   It is the time to prepare to meet God, to learn what you needed to learn.     God judges not just on what a person does, but also on what her intentions are.

 

And Heavenly Parents and her Savior know your mother and love her.   They've known her for a very long time and they know everything about her (unlike you or your siblings).   She is not meaningless to Them.

 

Be sure you hook up with hospice, who will make sure she gets enough pain medicine so she can deal with the terminal illness.   (BTW, she was going to die sometime, even before you received THIS dx.   In that respect nothing has changed with this new knowledge.)

 

Your service to her will change you.   It will bring you closer to your Heavenly Parents and Savior.    That should help you feel the meaning that you now wonder about.

Edited December 1, 2014 by rpn

[thesometimesaint]

We are not the challenges we face in this life, but our response to them. It is the who that we become that concerns God. 

Forgive your mom for her past mistakes, and try to make her last days as comfortable as possible. The Lord will bless you for your efforts.

[LOSTONE]

Live is never meaningless to the person who lived it.   It is the time to prepare to meet God, to learn what you needed to learn.  You describe your mother as a failure in important ways.  But you have no knowledge of whether she has done her personal best, even though that is really lame and hurt lots of people.   God judges not just on what a person does, but also on what her intentions are.

 

And Heavenly Parents and her Savior know your mother and love her.   They've known her for a very long time and they know everything about her (unlike you or your siblings).   She is not meaningless to Them.

 

Be sure you hook up with hospice, who will make sure she gets enough pain medicine so she can deal with the terminal illness.   (BTW, she was going to die sometime, even before you received THIS dx.   In that respect nothing has changed with this new knowledge.)

 

Your service to her will change you.   It will bring you closer to your Heavenly Parents and Savior.    That should help you feel the meaning that you now wonder about.

 

What?! I have not described my mother as a failure in anyway. How dare you make such an insulting and judgmental remark. And who are you to say what I do know about my mom and don’t know as in her best or lack of, to which I never made a statement upon. You got some nerve to speak as if you know such things. I have a hard time taking in consideration your entire reply when the beginnings of such are so insulting and offensive. I will no longer reply to you nor seek out anything regarding you.

[Garden Girl]

Hello Lostone...

First, have you talked to your siblings about some help with her care?  I'm afraid if you keep this up it will eventually break you... or make you even more negative than you are.

It is hard to respond to you although I want to encourage you... my life experience has been so different... my mom's life matters to me now so much that I ache for her, as does my sister, and she has been gone 19 years... and my dad has been gone 16 years... between the two of them we have such wonderful memories that we look back on all the time and just yearn for them... Yes I know that we are fortunate, but certainly not the only ones who have such memories of love and family. 

And you are not alone in your experiences... but that doesn't make it any easier however... Have you talked to your mother about her behavior?  Does she realize what she is doing? 

Can you get one of your siblings or someone trusted to come in and give you an occasional break for a few days?  This constant everyday stress is draining you... this should not be all on your shoulders, and no one should have to feel that their life here sucks... you must try to find help from your siblings...  before you lose yourself to being a bitter, shriveled man... who will not be able to bounce back once she is gone.

I do wish you well and send prayers...

 

GG

 

 

[LOSTONE]

Hello Lostone...

First, have you talked to your siblings about some help with her care?  I'm afraid if you keep this up it will eventually break you... or make you even more negative than you are.

It is hard to respond to you although I want to encourage you... my life experience has been so different... my mom's life matters to me now so much that I ache for her, as does my sister, and she has been gone 19 years... and my dad has been gone 16 years... between the two of them we have such wonderful memories that we look back on all the time and just yearn for them... Yes I know that we are fortunate, but certainly not the only ones who have such memories of love and family. 

And you are not alone in your experiences... but that doesn't make it any easier however... Have you talked to your mother about her behavior?  Does she realize what she is doing? 

Can you get one of your siblings or someone trusted to come in and give you an occasional break for a few days?  This constant everyday stress is draining you... this should not be all on your shoulders, and no one should have to feel that their life here sucks... you must try to find help from your siblings...  before you lose yourself to being a bitter, shriveled man... who will not be able to bounce back once she is gone.

I do wish you well and send prayers...

 

GG

 

Thanks. I will not become a bitter old man or shrivel up just because all this is happening with mom or after her death. I am a lot stronger than that and I am a survivor of way worst things than all of this. This is a temporary effect I am just trying to survive ( and will ), but nothing that will break me.

My siblings don’t get along with me for 2 key reasons. Reason 1 is because I forgave mom years ago and started being there for her. They don’t feel that is justified. They still hold anger at her for the childhood she put us through. I understand their anger, but not the practicability of holding onto it. Anger is self killing and I won’t do that. Reason 2 is because their thinking and behavior is a lot like mom’s. Similar on many aspects and I am so not like them. This makes it very hard to get along with them. Thank goodness I am adopted and don’t share the same DNA.

As to my mom, I have talked to her so many times about her behavior only to get excuses for it and why it’s justify to continue. No real thought from her to want to change her behavior. I have tried to get others she knows to talk to her with the same end results. She seems to want to see things her way and keep them that way. It makes it very hard.

I have alot more to say about all of this, but for the sake of misrepresenting things, I will leave my remarks limited to theses here. Thanks again.

[rpn]

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you.  I was just interpreting what I thought you had written.   I'll erase that part.

[The Nehor]

What?! I have not described my mother as a failure in anyway. How dare you make such an insulting and judgmental remark. 

 

At the risk of being offensive you describe her in this and other posts as mean and negative and trying to self-medicate with an alcohol problem. Most people would consider someone like that to be a failure in at least some aspects of their life. I know I would.

[LOSTONE]

At the risk of being offensive you describe her in this and other posts as mean and negative and trying to self-medicate with an alcohol problem. Most people would consider someone like that to be a failure in at least some aspects of their life. I know I would.

 

My mom has issues, but having issues doesn’t make you a failure. It makes you human. If having issues make you a failure, than everyone on this planet is a failure. Thanks for your ignorant judgments. Good to see you are a success story!

[The Nehor]

My mom has issues, but having issues doesn’t make you a failure. It makes you human. If having issues make you a failure, than everyone on this planet is a failure.

 

Pretty fair assessment.

 

 

Thanks for your ignorant judgments. Good to see you are a success story!

 

You are welcome and I have no idea where you got the idea that I am a success story. I mean, seriously.....haven't you interacted with me enough to know that that is not the case?

[Tacenda]

Pretty fair assessment.

 

 

 

You are welcome and I have no idea where you got the idea that I am a success story. I mean, seriously.....haven't you interacted with me enough to know that that is not the case?

Nehor, no one knows when to take you serious! 

 

Lostone,

 

Are you in Utah?  You might try this website:  http://www.caregivers.utah.gov/

 

But I'm sure any state has something.  You're never alone! 

 

I quoted you below because I've thought this recently also!

 

"I have been wondering more about the life we leave behind than the life we are going to upon the arrival of death. What is the point of life we live on Earth if it becomes so invisible to everyone and forgotten after we die? Most of us live a life that is already invisible and meaningless to so many others on this planet, but for the limited few, it has value and purpose. Even to us it does. But after we die, the life we live seems to fade out as if not ever there to begin with. That bothers me alot and seems to be a pointless aspect of who we are. We live, survive, suffer, give, do, so on and on so much while we are alive and then it all goes away as if it was never here to begin with. Why? Why do we have to go through all of this just to have it erased so easily after we are gone? It’s not the after life that bothers me, but the before life that does."

 

Me:  But we do have a legacy that we may not think happens.  We affect people in some way that they won't usually forget, everyone does.  But I'm so negative, I want to be cremated, and I don't want a funeral and will insist on not having one, because I'm worried my children won't really have much to say about me, since I'm really very boring and non accomplished.  Or no one will come to my funeral because I lack friends.  I seriously think of these things constantly lately.  I wish to just disappear sometimes.  Not to make this about me though. 

 

But more people than you know are looking out for you I'll bet.  How about neighbors of your mom?  Or friends? 

 

I keep editing this, but have you ever wondered why we take so many photos?  My parents have bins full of old photo albums, never to be looked at again, sad really. 

 

Edited December 2, 2014 by Tacenda

[saemo]

As a Christian, I often feel like I shouldn’t be ‘dealing’ with death but rather ‘accepting’ death as it is a transformation of limited life to ever lasting life. I feel guilty in a  way when I am unable to make peace with death and the life that once was, but that is what I find myself doing these days.

A few weeks back, my aging mom, who already has multiple health issues, was diagnosed with a serious health issue that has no cure and very limited treatment for her comforts. This came as unexpected as it could over simple head aches she was having. She will die. This is a fact of her condition, but when is hard to say. It will probably be painful for her sadly. Mom has really gotten mean towards me. I am a dumping grounds more and more for her anger and negative emotions. Just me, not my siblings. Me, the only one who has forgiven her for the horrible childhood she put us through and the only one now who cares for her and helps her. Mom has become angry and mean and it hits me constantly. It’s very hard on me.

I have been wondering more about the life we leave behind than the life we are going to upon the arrival of death. What is the point of life we live on Earth if it becomes so invisible to everyone and forgotten after we die? Most of us live a life that is already invisible and meaningless to so many others on this planet, but for the limited few, it has value and purpose. Even to us it does. But after we die, the life we live seems to fade out as if not ever there to begin with. That bothers me alot and seems to be a pointless aspect of who we are. We live, survive, suffer, give, do, so on and on so much while we are alive and then it all goes away as if it was never here to begin with. Why? Why do we have to go through all of this just to have it erased so easily after we are gone? It’s not the after life that bothers me, but the before life that does.

Anyways, I am under a lot of stress and baggage so maybe I am just over thinking and feeling things too much. Thank God there is an after life because this before life sucks.

When my grandmother was very ill for the last several years of her life, she took out a lot on the people who cared for her, particularly one or two of her children. She was a sweet LDS woman who took to swearing like a sailor, in her 90s. Her personality had changed,  because of a stroke. She was also diagnosed with depression, but medicating her was very difficult. Bad reactions to medications and health problems galore.

 

Anyway, just a thought, that health issues and medications affect the brain and personality, and that can manifest in odd ways. Also, being close to death can cause people to contemplate too long and too hard on their lives and judge themselves too harshly. It may be she doesn't believe she deserves your forgiveness or care (just a suggestion, as you would need to discern something like that for yourself). I have a friend who works in hospice and she tells me some of her clients really work themselves up and suffer not only physically but mentally. Some do not have a peaceful death because they do not have peace of mind. My friend has found over the years a rosary is of great comfort to some, including non-Christians or Catholics. All that to say, could be your mom needs help finding peace, though again, that is something only you can discern as you are there. Maybe talk to her and ask her what she needs to find peace.

 

God bless you for your care of your mum. We only have one. 

Edited December 3, 2014 by saemo