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“Changing My Expectation Of What Church Is...”


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I have been struggling in my journey as a  Christian for a while and so far, have failed to find what it is I am looking for. I keep going cause as a Christian, my heart is set to explore, discover, learn, and grow in my faith and relationship. I talk to people constantly, read a lot, take time out for personal thought, get actively involved, attend different churches, learn about different faiths, and so on. Yet I still struggle to find what I am looking for.

This morning, I was talking to an old friend from my old church when he asked me the key question. “ What do you believe church is? ” At first, this question seem to be stupid and pointless to me. I know what church is. Who in the faith doesn’t. But as I tried to give him an answer, I realized I was only able to give him a bunch of babbling thoughts that did not connect into an opinion. He told me that we all have our own view of what church is and maybe mine is not matching up with what it is that I am seeking from church. I seek one thing from church, but have a totally different view of what church is. He is smarter than I give him credit for. His words made me really stop and think. Am I looking for something in a place ( church ) that I have an incompatible view of?

My opinion of church is very basic common cookie cutter standard opinion. Something that might be found in a dictionary or spoken by a non-believer. It is based on my personal experiences of church over my time as a Christian. There is nothing in my opinion of what I believe church is that matched what I am seeking in my journey. My journey quest and my opinion of church are clearly of two different natures. After some thought, I am able to see the huge differences between the two and realize why I am not finding what I am looking for. I am looking for things not found in church. Any church I have been too or reached out to in discovery.

Church has it’s structure. Each church is structure on a similar faith format, but fine tuned to the believes of the church head authorities and surrounding environment. This does not mean the church in anyway is doing anything wrong. By no means am I say church is wrong. What I am saying is that maybe what I am seeking in my journey simply can not be found in the structure of a church. Perhaps what I am seeking is outside the scope of church and can only be found in s faith base school format. A faith based school has a different structure format so it has different avenues of exploration than a church would have. Maybe different enough to find what it is I am looking for.

I think my problem is ( was ) that I went to church seeking things I can not find in a church. I expected to find all I seek in a church because of what I view church to be. A place of all avenues of knowledge in my Christian faith. A place that all is and can be discovered. I need to change my expectations of church so I am continue to enjoy attending and serving in church, but not get the feeling of loss when I don’t find what I am looking for as I am at church and involved in church. My journey perhaps needs to shift to a more scholar based entity like a faith based school and my church life needs to be adjusted to a more correct expectation of what church is.

My friend is smarter than I thought and his words spoken this morning might of been the road sign I needed to redirect my journey into a correct avenue. I will see as I make my adjustments of my expectations of what church is to me and I see what my financial options are to discover a faith base school.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I just texted my directory of a church ministry I volunteer in at my soon to be ex-church. I told her “ I am stepping out of CS ministry. It isn’t a good fit. Thanks”. I did not tell her the reason is because I feel like a fool in the way others in that ministry treat me and that I feel like I am just a body count on a sheet of paper for the sake of increasing numbers to look good. Nor about how the church seems to have lost it’s direction and becoming more and more of a blindness to me and so many others.

The point is, I didn’t fit in the ministry or the church. So what? So what because I expect to not fit into every place I want to be in with, but I will keep going and trying. Eventually I will find a place where I fit in and am accepted as a person. If I am not accepted here or fit in there, their lost, not mine. I’ll fit in somewhere eventually. I won’t let it bring me down. I am worth something more than being brought down.

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