Crisis

[Wants2know]

I'm having a bit of a crisis.  I'm feeling torn.  I love this church and I have a strong testimony from many perspectives.  My problem is I'm tired.  I mean really tired.  Like many of you my life is demanding.  We have no family supports and we literally are never together as a family.  Forget a social life or time as husband and wife.  My house is a wreck even though I employ a housekeeper and a full time assistant.  I'm very fortunate in that way and I fully recognize this and I'm grateful.  I feel guilty that I can't be a mother that stays home even when one of my kids are ill.  I feel like I can't keep up with my calling, yet my husband has two (second counselor and Young men's President), clean the church, plan enrichment, visiting teach...... keep one business going and start another.  Get to three different kid activities in one day.  Taking a shower is a chore.  I have a temple recommend and want to get my endowment and sealed, but do I really have the faith to do that in good conscience?  I don't feel like I should, and I'm wondering if I should even be a church member at this point.  Thoughts? Advice?  

[The Nehor]

You and your husband should prayerfully approach God and start a list of things to cut back on before you both burn out horribly.

[mtomm]

Stop it! Haha. Easier said than done. You will have to decide which activities and work are worth keeping. Why not take the kids out of a few activities, VT with a phone call or a card sometimes. Do you have enrichment every month? Ask to cut back to quarterly. You do sound burned out. If the thought of being prepared for the temple is too much then it is probably too much. All of our church activities are not what makes us followers of Christ but we sure feel guilty when we don't do them. Lay off your guilt.

[Wanderer7]

I know you don't have a lot of time to read, but this book is for you, even if you only read the first couple chapters:

 

http://deseretbook.com/Believing-Christ-Parable-Bicycle-Other-Good-News-Stephen-E-Robinson/i/2302070

Edited March 28, 2014 by Wanderer7

[Wants2know]

I have the book. It sits on my bedside table in the I will get it someday pile.   But you are all right.  I just don't know what to do next.

[Bill “Papa” Lee]

I'm having a bit of a crisis.  I'm feeling torn.  I love this church and I have a strong testimony from many perspectives.  My problem is I'm tired.  I mean really tired.  Like many of you my life is demanding.  We have no family supports and we literally are never together as a family.  Forget a social life or time as husband and wife.  My house is a wreck even though I employ a housekeeper and a full time assistant.  I'm very fortunate in that way and I fully recognize this and I'm grateful.  I feel guilty that I can't be a mother that stays home even when one of my kids are ill.  I feel like I can't keep up with my calling, yet my husband has two (second counselor and Young men's President), clean the church, plan enrichment, visiting teach...... keep one business going and start another.  Get to three different kid activities in one day.  Taking a shower is a chore.  I have a temple recommend and want to get my endowment and sealed, but do I really have the faith to do that in good conscience?  I don't feel like I should, and I'm wondering if I should even be a church member at this point.  Thoughts? Advice?

Put family first, and seek help from others at Church. But all get tired, all lose heart, but our God will help with both.

[DarkScythe]

I do think A few steps might help you.

 

 

1) Pray to God

 

2) Small steps in all things

 

3) Understanding your strengths and weaknesses

 

4) Strive for greater unity with your family, yourself, God and the church

 

5) Balance in all things

 

6) Awareness

[Wants2know]

We do need to change things up.  Being divorced really stinks.  It makes everything so much harder.  I'm not good at asking for help, but truthfully, what I need is a simpler life. I don't think that can happen.  Can't I take a leave of absence from church?  

[BlueDreams]

We do need to change things up.  Being divorced really stinks.  It makes everything so much harder.  I'm not good at asking for help, but truthfully, what I need is a simpler life. I don't think that can happen.  Can't I take a leave of absence from church?  

 

You can, but doing so would likely just further isolate you further from potential social/spiritual support. Forgive me, I've been working with my therapy clients all day, so I'm still a little bit on therapy mode and that's probably what's about to come out of my mouth. I hear a lot of shoulds in your OP. My professor would say you're shoulding yourself. It's just about as appetizing as it sounds . You've set high standards for yourself that are difficult to maintain and it's leading you to a since of guilt and wearing you out terribly in pursuit of these ideals. You're tired. You're burning out. And you're probably having a good case of the blues. Removing church won't necessarily fix that, because the sense of expectation for yourself will remain and the guilt following at where you're "failing" will continue. You can talk to your bishop and lighten up on what you have to do...I think that would be a good thing personally. But frankly, if I were you I'd work to see what on the shoulds list is actually necessary for your existence and begin cutting back to get some better balance in your life. Despite what we often have a tendency to believe, we're not asked to run faster than we can handle. It's ok to slow down and step back.

 

But that's just me. And I could just be farting in the wind for all I know. Take it for whatever it's worth.

 

With luv,

BD

Edited March 28, 2014 by BlueDreams

[Calm]

Can't I take a leave of absence from church?  

Yes, you can, but sometimes that is exactly what you don't need to do in that what the Church provides you is the essential thing that keeps it all going.

 

Better, imo, to learn how to balance and say no because you are just going to be kept being presented in or out of the Church with numerous good things to do.  

 

I would attend Sacrament Meeting if that is all you can manage.  I went for a year doing that due to anxiety and not being able to be in the small classrooms our branch was meeting in.  Sometimes I had to leave after the Sacrament…but now not being able to go at all on many days I know it is better to go even if for a little time than not at all even if it seems like a big deal to put all that time into getting dressed and driving for such a short attendance.

[Calm]

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2008/10/let-him-do-it-with-simplicity?lang=eng

 

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/of-things-that-matter-most?lang=eng

 

I crack up each time I read this:

 

At this point some of you may be thinking, “That’s all very fine and good, but what does it have to do with flying an airplane?” Well, let me tell you.

 

Edited March 28, 2014 by calmoriah

[Garden Girl]

Hello Wants2Know...

You have to cut back!! Yes you can do it... your health is at stake, physically... and spiritually...

 

No one should reach the point of where you are now because it can't be sustained without something snapping... and my dear it will be you...  Sounds like first you need a blessing... then you and your husband need to sit down together (adamant about this) and talk about how to proceed. 

 

Let's take visiting teaching... MY visiting teaching consists of sending cards/letters to three inactive sisters who are not adverse to receiving a "message" each month.  They are listed as "card only" sisters.  So, I buy cards... each month when I get the  Ensign magazine, I pray for guidance of the Spirit as I take a look at the VT message for the month.  I may take parts of it plus some additional scriptures or stories from the magazine, whatever is appropriate for them... and type up a brief one-page message for the month.  Then I mail the cards... about twice a year I'll give each a call just to say hello and make sure everything is the same.   All of this takes me no more than an hour or two each month.  I'm sure you could do something similar... talk to your RS pres and ask to be assigned to do this for several inactive sisters.

 

Again, talk to you RS pres about how you can cut back on the "enrichment" requirements.  Be honest and explain your situation.  If your calling is too much, ask to be released.  We're talking about your health here, and you are worn out... and when you are this worn out it will manifest itself physically and mentally.

 

It concerns me greatly that this all has made you question whether you should be a member.  Of course you should be a member... and I know you do love the gospel... and have a testimony... but this cannot continue W2K... You and I have been in touch from the beginning when you first posted on this board.  I'm praying for you now as I type because I can feel the difficulty of your situation.  And I say to you... there's too much at stake here for this to continue.  Yes you can do what you have to do to find relief... prayer is important...  lay this all before the Lord and ask for guidance of the Spirit and act as soon as possible... and above all, do not feel guilty or like you need to do anything but take care of yourself and your family... that means giving yourself time to be with your husband.  If he has to cut back also, then perhaps that needs to be considered.   

And by all means, you should eventually be in a place emotionally where you can go to the temple with a peaceful heart... it will strengthen you...

 

Dear W2K friend..  blessings...  let me know how you do.

 

GG

Edited March 28, 2014 by Garden Girl

[Stargazer]

We do need to change things up.  Being divorced really stinks.  It makes everything so much harder.  I'm not good at asking for help, but truthfully, what I need is a simpler life. I don't think that can happen.  Can't I take a leave of absence from church?  

 

You don't have to take a leave of absence.  Just cut back some.  I am not going to try to second guess your Bishop, but being a bishopric counselor AND YM president is quite frankly too much and there needs to be a paring back.  Your husband's first, repeat FIRST, responsibility is his family.  He cannot give full attention to both callings AND his family at the same time, and it is unreasonable to expect him to.  OK, nevermind, I AM second-guessing your bishop.  

 

I don't think it is at all a wrong step to go to your bishop with your husband and ask him to let you go on a calling vacation.  If things are as bad as you say, then you need the opportunity to chill.  Don't stop attending Sacrament meeting, though, because you need to keep your spiritual batteries charged.  And RS and SS are probably good for that, too.

 

It is perfectly OK to be a member of the Church temporarily without any callings.  The Lord doesn't expect you to batter yourself senseless against walls.  Let yourself be served for a change.  

[rpn]

You are not required to run faster than you have strength.  And the worldwide training of November maybe 2012, explicitly conveyed that no one should have more than one calling.   Now I can't tell you whether it is something at church that needs to be cut back or something with kids.   But the Lord can help you sort it out because you cannot continue so overwhelmed that your first thought is leaving the faith.   And there was a conference talk a few years ago about how sometimes the stress we feel is because we impose expectations on our service that are unnecessary to the Lord.   So look at that too.

[JLHPROF]

I'm having a bit of a crisis.  I'm feeling torn.  I love this church and I have a strong testimony from many perspectives.  My problem is I'm tired.  I mean really tired.  Like many of you my life is demanding.  We have no family supports and we literally are never together as a family.  Forget a social life or time as husband and wife.  My house is a wreck even though I employ a housekeeper and a full time assistant.  I'm very fortunate in that way and I fully recognize this and I'm grateful.  I feel guilty that I can't be a mother that stays home even when one of my kids are ill.  I feel like I can't keep up with my calling, yet my husband has two (second counselor and Young men's President), clean the church, plan enrichment, visiting teach...... keep one business going and start another.  Get to three different kid activities in one day.  Taking a shower is a chore.  I have a temple recommend and want to get my endowment and sealed, but do I really have the faith to do that in good conscience?  I don't feel like I should, and I'm wondering if I should even be a church member at this point.  Thoughts? Advice?  

 

I don't want to judge or even try to pretend I know what you're going through, although I've had my own serious struggles.

I definitely think you seem to have too much on your plate and it certainly seems like you need to identify things that you can cut back on.

 

But can I respectfully suggest something?  It shouldn't be your religion.

Our faith gives us strength to make it through, provides guidance when we don't know how to accomplish a task, and putting our focus in the Lord will always have more benefits temporally and spiritually than putting our focus on our businesses, our kids activities, or a social life.  I mean, if it comes down to a choice between receiving your endowment and taking the kids to a birthday party or cleaning the house it shouldn't be a choice.

 

Cut back, you sound like you have to for your sanity and your health (trust me, I know).  But I don't think cutting back on your religion is the right choice.

Oh, and talk to your Bishop.  You CAN cut back on your callings without cutting back on Church.

 

Remember:  Matthew 6:33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

[Kenngo1969]

I'll second what JLHPROF has said.  I would speak with the people in charge of the organizations in which you have callings, and with your bishop (preferably in that order, and ideally, you should let anyone to whom you report report to your bishop: I say that because, having been in charge of my Bishop's appointment calendar for the last 2 1/2 years, I'm guessing he would probably rather discuss any organizational changes that need to be made and individual needs in Ward Council and in Bishopric Meeting and then meet with you (if necessary), rather than the other way around).  For completely different (and far more trivial) reasons, I'm sure, I, too, often don't feel up to "doing" Church.  But if I ask myself, "Ken, is that going to make you feel better/solve the problem/etc.?", the answer's "No."  I've only scanned comments to this point, so forgive me if I duplicate, but it also sounds as though you're comparing your worst (or what you see as your worst) to what (you see as) everyone else's best.  If the only time you see these people is at Church or at work, or in other settings and situations where they're putting their best foot forward, of course you're going to (feel like you) fall short.  And even if you're absolutely right that no one on earth understands your burdens, Christ does.  Take them to Him in prayer.  I wish you well.

[Kenngo1969]

... But that's just me. And I could just be farting in the wind for all I know. Take it for whatever it's worth.

 

With luv,

BD

Really?!  I'll be sure to position myself upwind of you, then!

[Calm]

Brainstorming can be fun especially on sleeping pills likei am now..just be sure to record soyou remember your brilliance in the morning, at least brainstorming turns problems into fun and games for a night.

Are the church activities for the kids or something else? Lesson, ball games, gymnastics? If the latter do the kids love them, will they be willing toworkharder for you so they can have their treat? Have them contribute to the house more...if it takes three hours ofyourtime to get prepared,get the car ready,and get them there and back...plus right clothes,fees etc...then how many hours you put into getting them there should be relatively equivalent to stuff they do to make your life easier (homework and chores without arguing, cleaning up after dinner without agreeing. Take off minutes for arguing and if they only make it half the amount of time, drive them halfway to the event park the car and pull out a book to read as the second half of your time they didn't earn...though maybe they will be willing to re ogotiate now with extra help tonight to make up for it. Next time they will work better

If the kids are doing the stuff because you think they need them...unless it is something crucial for a special need, remember that kids have thrived for eons without supervised activities 24 7. So stop and only do the have tos, not the shoulds., and get kids interested in stuff they cando on their own,read, art, training for track, making special gardens of their own.we are going to build a thyme garden this year, my daughter and me, a dream since I was 8 or so...no beach a few yards away like in the book so we will have a fountain instead. You know how many different thymes there are? And we get everything delivered so no wasted time.

You as a family need to brainstorm, go for weird ideas all together. Have the kids help find the solution or it won't work. It mayevenbe fun..do a survivor FHE and see how pared down you could get them to accept as bare minimum in life with tokens of how much will they need from others and they can trade their tokens witheachother to see what they can solve themselves...lots of typos, drug is hitting, sorry, may make no sense in the morning...but big point negotiatewith everyone and try to think of it as a game, a reality show of some sort. Throw in some odd ball prizes if people get serious, laughter gives a lot of energy...and get connected with real things that can help you and kids fined the true valueofsomething...live a daywithout sight or sound or being able to walk.

Coloured code calendars---violet for absolute, blue for important, green for good constructive stuff, yellow for good fun stuff, orange for others expectatations, reds for others demands...something you must do reds and oranges but not for their vaue but because they give you more ability to do you violets, blues and greens and even yellow. Violet and blues are give, if you have time the green and yellow, the red and oranges are used to negotiate your violets and blues into better positions.

Divide your life in not what one have to do or don't do,but what is important and what isn't...sometimes it is tragedies that allow us to do this, better to do it through inspiration to avoid the tragedy.

My brain is stormed out...hope it made some sense and if none laughter. For some reason I have an urge to go read pippi longstocking

[altersteve]

Every night make a list of three things you're grateful for, or three awesome things that happened that day. Do this every single night without fail. It helps.

[Storm Rider]

I'm having a bit of a crisis.  I'm feeling torn.  I love this church and I have a strong testimony from many perspectives.  My problem is I'm tired.  I mean really tired.  Like many of you my life is demanding.  We have no family supports and we literally are never together as a family.  Forget a social life or time as husband and wife.  My house is a wreck even though I employ a housekeeper and a full time assistant.  I'm very fortunate in that way and I fully recognize this and I'm grateful.  I feel guilty that I can't be a mother that stays home even when one of my kids are ill.  I feel like I can't keep up with my calling, yet my husband has two (second counselor and Young men's President), clean the church, plan enrichment, visiting teach...... keep one business going and start another.  Get to three different kid activities in one day.  Taking a shower is a chore.  I have a temple recommend and want to get my endowment and sealed, but do I really have the faith to do that in good conscience?  I don't feel like I should, and I'm wondering if I should even be a church member at this point.  Thoughts? Advice?  

 

Please allow me to be a jerk...you employ a housekeeper and a personal assistant and cannot get everything else done?  Go for the simple choice - you are trying to do far more than is advisable or possible. 

 

Here in the Middle East people such as yourself have maids, childcare maids, drivers, and several others to help them out and yet they just cannot get out of bed easily to go shopping.  These people worry me becuase they have been inundated with luxuries and have become mere shadows of human beings.  There is no reality in their lives and consequently they have lost the ability to sense reality.

 

You need to sit down in front of the mirror and have a good, long chat with yourself.  Nothing is worse than not being honest with that individual in the mirror.  Start with defining what is truly important to you. Once you have those things firmly in your mind, begin organizing your day. Quit playing superwoman; you are not and should not be.  Define what you yourself should do because they are your priorities.  If you are capable of hiring people to fill in what's left then do so. For the rest, stop doing them; they are not your priority and do not matter.

[Wants2know]

Please allow me to be a jerk...you employ a housekeeper and a personal assistant and cannot get everything else done?  Go for the simple choice - you are trying to do far more than is advisable or possible. 

 

Here in the Middle East people such as yourself have maids, childcare maids, drivers, and several others to help them out and yet they just cannot get out of bed easily to go shopping.  These people worry me becuase they have been inundated with luxuries and have become mere shadows of human beings.  There is no reality in their lives and consequently they have lost the ability to sense reality.

 

You need to sit down in front of the mirror and have a good, long chat with yourself.  Nothing is worse than not being honest with that individual in the mirror.  Start with defining what is truly important to you. Once you have those things firmly in your mind, begin organizing your day. Quit playing superwoman; you are not and should not be.  Define what you yourself should do because they are your priorities.  If you are capable of hiring people to fill in what's left then do so. For the rest, stop doing them; they are not your priority and do not matter.

I do not disagree with you.  To put it in perspective though the housekeeper is once a week.  My assistant is full time with my business as her priority, she is just good to me and picks up kids and orders dinner etc for me.  I am super grateful for all I have. I am a realist and do not live in any kind of luxury.  I did buy a brand new minivan last year.... it's a dream family car!  You are not a jerk.  I appreciate all you said.  Simple is what I strive for.  Just not in the cards lately I guess.  Some things I just need to suck up and deal with.  

[Storm Rider]

I do not disagree with you.  To put it in perspective though the housekeeper is once a week.  My assistant is full time with my business as her priority, she is just good to me and picks up kids and orders dinner etc for me.  I am super grateful for all I have. I am a realist and do not live in any kind of luxury.  I did buy a brand new minivan last year.... it's a dream family car!  You are not a jerk.  I appreciate all you said.  Simple is what I strive for.  Just not in the cards lately I guess.  Some things I just need to suck up and deal with.  

 

This type of media is very difficult to address these types of issues in a proper manner.  Young parents, professionals, entrepreneuers have a very difficult time jugglineg so many things.  If we want our children to participate in sports and school activities it demands almost a full time job just to make those activities happen.  Some things have to give and you need to be okay about letting those things go.  Focus on your priorities, you do the best you can, and enjoy each day.  

 

I have gotten old enough to learn that I want to enjoy everything I do.  I really try to make it fun.  Too often we have to deal with painful things that I just don't want to deal with them when I am doing things I am passionate about.  

 

My priorities are what I am passionate about.  There are no easy answers; they just must be your answers. God bless,

[Wants2know]

It is snowing here AGAIN.  It's dark and gloomy outside.  BUT,  I managed to get my kids to school and threw on the 80's channel on sirius so my 14 year old could hear me rock out to the likes of Duran Duran!  It was 20 minutes of laughter, "stop it Mom,  you are SO embarassing.  Can I get a Frappe?"  THAT is my priority.  I think it is most everyone's priority.  There is really no such think as balance.  I've long accepted that.  It's more like there are hills, valleys and vacations.  I want a vacation.  This weekend will be slow and I see a nap in my future.  I'm taking much of today off and spending it with my BFF from church to shop.  Life is so complicated for most of us, it's no wonder we are an anxiety ridden mess of a society.  I KNOW what makes me feel centered and grounded.  My kids and family.  My scriptures.  My church.  I LOVE going to church.  I LOVE doing all things church.  I wish I had more time for that.  I know it will come.  I need to be more patient.  I need to be more grateful.  I need to just not stress so much about business deals and be prayerful that all that is on my plate will be worked out in the next few months and then I will feel like my compass is back and working.  Birthday parties will get done, people will be hired, the dogs will get fed.  If everyone would stay healthy for a week that would be great, but if it doesn't, I will manage.  I made this post because I knew I needed a reality check and although I don't post much on here anymore, I do fly through every once in a while to see what's going on.  I love and respect all your words of wisdom.  I will be ok. (The fish might not get fed, I admit).  xo Sarah

[Wants2know]

Brainstorming can be fun especially on sleeping pills likei am now..just be sure to record soyou remember your brilliance in the morning, at least brainstorming turns problems into fun and games for a night.

Are the church activities for the kids or something else? Lesson, ball games, gymnastics? If the latter do the kids love them, will they be willing toworkharder for you so they can have their treat? Have them contribute to the house more...if it takes three hours ofyourtime to get prepared,get the car ready,and get them there and back...plus right clothes,fees etc...then how many hours you put into getting them there should be relatively equivalent to stuff they do to make your life easier (homework and chores without arguing, cleaning up after dinner without agreeing. Take off minutes for arguing and if they only make it half the amount of time, drive them halfway to the event park the car and pull out a book to read as the second half of your time they didn't earn...though maybe they will be willing to re ogotiate now with extra help tonight to make up for it. Next time they will work better

If the kids are doing the stuff because you think they need them...unless it is something crucial for a special need, remember that kids have thrived for eons without supervised activities 24 7. So stop and only do the have tos, not the shoulds., and get kids interested in stuff they cando on their own,read, art, training for track, making special gardens of their own.we are going to build a thyme garden this year, my daughter and me, a dream since I was 8 or so...no beach a few yards away like in the book so we will have a fountain instead. You know how many different thymes there are? And we get everything delivered so no wasted time.

You as a family need to brainstorm, go for weird ideas all together. Have the kids help find the solution or it won't work. It mayevenbe fun..do a survivor FHE and see how pared down you could get them to accept as bare minimum in life with tokens of how much will they need from others and they can trade their tokens witheachother to see what they can solve themselves...lots of typos, drug is hitting, sorry, may make no sense in the morning...but big point negotiatewith everyone and try to think of it as a game, a reality show of some sort. Throw in some odd ball prizes if people get serious, laughter gives a lot of energy...and get connected with real things that can help you and kids fined the true valueofsomething...live a daywithout sight or sound or being able to walk.

Coloured code calendars---violet for absolute, blue for important, green for good constructive stuff, yellow for good fun stuff, orange for others expectatations, reds for others demands...something you must do reds and oranges but not for their vaue but because they give you more ability to do you violets, blues and greens and even yellow. Violet and blues are give, if you have time the green and yellow, the red and oranges are used to negotiate your violets and blues into better positions.

Divide your life in not what one have to do or don't do,but what is important and what isn't...sometimes it is tragedies that allow us to do this, better to do it through inspiration to avoid the tragedy.

My brain is stormed out...hope it made some sense and if none laughter. For some reason I have an urge to go read pippi longstocking

Cal, you crack me up.  Color coded calendars?  Honey - if it GETS ON THE CALENDAR  -  No, IF I REMEMBER TO BUY A CALENDAR!  Most things get penciled into the kids lunch schedules on the frig   And important things get put into my work calendar.  I am frontal lobe deficient.   That sort of executive functioning is not my strength!  Good for you if you can do it!!!!!  My kids get to do one activity per trimester.  It's just impossible with more than that.  They all chose sports.  My goal for next year is to get to every sports event because it is my joy.  I don't care if I have to cut back hours I work.  And funny you mention Pippi Longstocking... my nickname in middle school was Pippi because of my long braids  

[bluebell]

You do need a vacation!   And probably some spring weather.  Long winters can be so brutal emotionally.

 

But finding the places that you can cut back probably is the only real answer right now.  Though that is much easier said than done.  

 

In my experience though, it never works to sacrifice what we want most, for what we want in the moment.  Taking an absence from church would free up some time in the short run, but doing that won't increase your peace, not if you really have a testimony (and i know you do!).  That doesn't mean though that you can't take an absence from some things that have to do with church.  If you have a good bishop that you trust, (or branch president-i can't remember if you're in a ward or not) then talk to him about this.  He will help you to see the parts of the church that you can take off your plate, while still keeping the important things right where they need to be.