Steve Holt Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Hey hopefully this is the right forum for this question.. I just need to get some input on something. I'm contemplating dating a girl but I'm thinking she might not have the strongest testimony, and that's a priority for me. She's pretty young, 21, so I don't know if she's in the process of slowly tapering off as far as the Church goes now that she's not living with her parents, or if she's in the process of building her testimony up. What I'm certain of though is if I talk about it with her she'll tell me what I want to hear, whether it's true or not, but I'm in it for the long haul so that kind of charade can only last so long if she does in fact have a weak testimony. I'd like to help her strengthen it, but she was born in the church and she knows the Gospel, so I probably won't be able to expose her to anything new and groundbreaking. Anyone have much experience with this kind of thing?
EllenMaksoud Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Hey hopefully this is the right forum for this question.. I just need to get some input on something. I'm contemplating dating a girl but I'm thinking she might not have the strongest testimony, and that's a priority for me. She's pretty young, 21, so I don't know if she's in the process of slowly tapering off as far as the Church goes now that she's not living with her parents, or if she's in the process of building her testimony up. What I'm certain of though is if I talk about it with her she'll tell me what I want to hear, whether it's true or not, but I'm in it for the long haul so that kind of charade can only last so long if she does in fact have a weak testimony. I'd like to help her strengthen it, but she was born in the church and she knows the Gospel, so I probably won't be able to expose her to anything new and groundbreaking. Anyone have much experience with this kind of thing?Is she an RM? Give it some time.
Calm Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 She wouldn't be an RM at 21 at this point, in a year or so we will start having younger RMS but too soon after the change right now.Are you in an area where you can go to a lot of church related activities? Her desire to do so might indicate her level of commitment.
rpn Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 The way to find out what kind of a woman she is, is to go on lots of dates to do service. Don't come up with them yourself, but brain storm with her what things you can do to become more like Him through service. Watch how committed she is to the things she takes on. What is she learning. Whether she gives up. If she knows how to work. How her family of origin lives the gospel.Anyone can read (or pretend to read) the scriptures, pray, live the word of wisdom. And lots of people who can recite scriptures from memory, don't act very nice to others (and expecting a scriptorian also may rule out those with learning disabilities whose strengths are not in reading or memorization). While you are doing all that service and living a christlike life, talk about how your respective families of origin did the sabbath, decided on how many kids, paid their tithing, and a whole host of other things. Committed LDS members don't do all things the same, and while it is pretty common for members to think of other members who do things differently to be less than fully committed members, that might not be true at all. Even when it turns out that two people ARE both fully committed members, they may still disagree on lots of issues. There is a book that Deseret Book used to publish with 1000 questions lds people should ask their prospective spouses. If you use it, you'll know better when you are done what your own goals are and whether your differences spice up your relationship, or create problems for it.
Kenngo1969 Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 The way to find out what kind of a woman she is, is to go on lots of dates to do service. Don't come up with them yourself, but brain storm with her what things you can do to become more like Him through service. Watch how committed she is to the things she takes on. What is she learning. Whether she gives up. If she knows how to work. How her family of origin lives the gospel.Anyone can read (or pretend to read) the scriptures, pray, live the word of wisdom. And lots of people who can recite scriptures from memory, don't act very nice to others (and expecting a scriptorian also may rule out those with learning disabilities whose strengths are not in reading or memorization). While you are doing all that service and living a christlike life, talk about how your respective families of origin did the sabbath, decided on how many kids, paid their tithing, and a whole host of other things. Committed LDS members don't do all things the same, and while it is pretty common for members to think of other members who do things differently to be less than fully committed members, that might not be true at all. Even when it turns out that two people ARE both fully committed members, they may still disagree on lots of issues. There is a book that Deseret Book used to publish with 1000 questions lds people should ask their prospective spouses. If you use it, you'll know better when you are done what your own goals are and whether your differences spice up your relationship, or create problems for it.I'm not sure this is the one you're referring to, but here's one possibility:http://1000questionsforcouples.net/
Saints Alive Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 If you spend enough time with someone outside of the church setting you should get a pretty good idea of where their testimony is. Just don't do the stereotypical mormon one week of dating followed by a one month engagement. 2
Calm Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Just don't do the stereotypical mormon one week of dating followed by a one month engagement.Really? How many LDS do you know that actually did this?The only person I know who got engaged after one week had a year long engagement.
rpn Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 The one I remember was one for lds couples. I googled and found one, but the 300 question one I found was a bit superficial lds to me. I would keep looking for the one with the questions that are lest judging and more 'what do you think about_________"?
Saints Alive Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Really? How many LDS do you know that actually did this?The only person I know who got engaged after one week had a year long engagement.Ive known a few, and many more who dated for 3-6 months and were engaged and married not long after.
Avatar4321 Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 Ask her out. Get to know her.Though if you think she is just going to tell you what you want to hear, you have a bigger problem than just the testimony. I dont think id want to be in a relationship with someone who would lie to me. 2
gyrfalcon Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 Pray with her before your date. See how comfortable she is with that. 1
Calm Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 (edited) Pray with her before your date. See how comfortable she is with that.I am and was a devout LDS during my dating years.I would have been totally uncomfortable with that....and would have instantly dropped the guy, I believe.And I too would be very hesitant about getting involved with someone I believed would be likely to simply tell me what he (or she in nonromantic relationships) thought I wanted. I don't see that as a secure basis for a long time relationship even if the reason was his personal insecurity and difficulty in trusting. I might be able to develop the relationship to a point where he would trust me enough to be open, but how would I know for sure that he might not resort to lying again when he was under stress? Edited April 19, 2013 by calmoriah
ERayR Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 If you have doubts now when your fascination is at its greatest, you probably ought to keep it casual. If you are really interested take a long time getting to know her. If she doesn't measure up to your deal breaker traits you probably ought to move on.
mtomm Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 Pray with her before your date. See how comfortable she is with that.I agree with Cal. Ugh. This is not a test of her testimony strength but you could make her uncomfortable enough that she never wants to see you again.
Garden Girl Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 (edited) Pray with her before your date. See how comfortable she is with that.I didn't think this was such a bad idea... but others seem to disagree (I was thinking about a brief prayer for safety, etc). But I do think how comfortable she is with praying, or reading scriptures together, would be an indication of where her heart is...I agree that dating casually to get to know her is important. This would give time to talk about numerous things that would impact a serious relationship, including how you both feel about the gospel, etc.There's no guarantees that someone who is faithful and seemingly committed will always remain so... some of the people on this board are examples of that....I do think it's wise to address this now vs. later...GG Edited April 19, 2013 by Garden Girl 1
Calm Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 But I do think how comfortable she is with praying, or reading scriptures together, would be an indication of where her heart is...This is to me, when just two people are involved, an intimate experience....it would be like kissing...only worse...on the first date. Maybe later...much later when engaged or at least almost, when both had decided that there was a great possibility of this leading to marriage. 1
Peppermint Patty Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 This is to me, when just two people are involved, an intimate experience....it would be like kissing...only worse...on the first date. Maybe later...much later when engaged or at least almost, when both had decided that there was a great possibility of this leading to marriage.Exactly.
Tacenda Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 (edited) This is to me, when just two people are involved, an intimate experience....it would be like kissing...only worse...on the first date. Maybe later...much later when engaged or at least almost, when both had decided that there was a great possibility of this leading to marriage.I remember working for an LDS family owned cleaning business once. They would have everyone take a turn to say the prayer before we began our travel to clean homes. It made me feel really uncomfortable and I was TBM then. It just felt so personal, and like they wanted to see if I passed the test. Now I have a totally different mindset and feel bad that I went around asking the RS sisters to give prayers for RS. It should be a volunteer basis. And not where we put people on the spot in public. Edited April 19, 2013 by Tacenda
Steve Holt Posted April 23, 2013 Author Posted April 23, 2013 I agree that her lying about a testimony should be a red flag, I just don't think the situation is quite that black and white though, she could be on the fence about it but giving herself the benefit of the doubt to make sure the relationship has a chance while she's figuring her testimony out. Praying before a date would be pretty out of character of me, even if we were married, you could describe me as a temple-worthy non peter priesthood, not that there's anything wrong with a peter priesthood. I'm totally fine with a girl who's not super outwardly spiritual but the problem with that now is that it makes it pretty tough to discern if she still has a solid testimony guiding her life or if she's just going through the motions to fit in here in Provo. Thanks for the replies people, I got some pretty good insight.
Bill “Papa” Lee Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 Hey hopefully this is the right forum for this question.. I just need to get some input on something. I'm contemplating dating a girl but I'm thinking she might not have the strongest testimony, and that's a priority for me. She's pretty young, 21, so I don't know if she's in the process of slowly tapering off as far as the Church goes now that she's not living with her parents, or if she's in the process of building her testimony up. What I'm certain of though is if I talk about it with her she'll tell me what I want to hear, whether it's true or not, but I'm in it for the long haul so that kind of charade can only last so long if she does in fact have a weak testimony. I'd like to help her strengthen it, but she was born in the church and she knows the Gospel, so I probably won't be able to expose her to anything new and groundbreaking. Anyone have much experience with this kind of thing?I know from having four children over that age that it is an age of questioning about how they fit in the world and Church, young girls end up in Relief Society, with much older women and married ones that outnumber them and this is hard. When my daughters were that age and unmarried it was strange. Even for on on a mission she found it hard to relate. President Hinkley felt he was wasting his time and his father's money while serving his mission in England. He went on to change millions of lives.
Saints Alive Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 (edited) What's a Peter Priesthood?The male version of a Molly MormonTM, The stereotypical male mormon who tirelessly does his home teaching, attends every session of conference, got married the week he came home from his mission, etc, etc. Edited April 24, 2013 by Saints Alive
Damien the Leper Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Casually date until you're 27 years old. When you find a long haul relationship, date for 2-3 years and then get hitched. That will give experience time and self actualization time. No need to rush!
rpn Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Asking her to pray on a date is unrighteous dominion and showing off. People of faith and testimony don't need to pray in public or before others to "prove their worthiness". A woman with a solid testimony would see the offer as Rameumpton. (Though of course you would pray together over food, when taking a long drive, maybe when studying ---- when you would do it whether or not she was there.)It isn't whether she can DO the sunday school answers, it is how she lives her life and treats people that describes her discipleship. 2
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